Release

Conclusion

I suppose, and once again I'll start to write.

Mhmmmm, what should I title this..
The, "Conclusion". As I'll be concluding what's happened for the last half a year, and discussing my interpretation of what happened with myself and Gill. Let's just get down to the facts, and I'll try to keep it mostly brief but detailed. We started things a little speedy, and honestly I didn't see a problem with that at all. But, maybe that's just due to my own inexperience. As we came to an idea as to where it would probably be best to have become friends before we started anything. Here I am again, always getting sidetracked. Carrying on though. We became very intimate within a very short time. Then to just about a month and a half ago, we became absolutely nothing. Which was mostly her decision. Where the only answer she could give me for her reasoning was that she was not happy with me anymore. I found that right before our end, she was constantly trying to find problems with the relationship, and resulting in problems. Now, I'm not blaming this on her entirely, no no. It wouldn't be right for me to do that. During this whole thing, I've tried to be so damn nice to her. Even a couple days again, I tried to ask her friend that she spoke with right before we stopped seeing one another, who I was completely fine with. We were acquaintances. I asked her what actually happened, and what was the reasoning behind her just wanting it to break it off. My message was read, and then ignored. Cool. I then found myself blocked by Gill on all forms of social media. I go ahead and message her asking her what was wrong with me asking what happened between us, as kindly as I possibly could. Explaining that I don't even understand what happened, and then commenting, "If you don't want any sort of contact, whatsoever just say so." She goes ahead and tells me to not talk to her friend, as I never actually met her, only over FaceTime and that kind of thing. So, we weren't strangers, however I was being thrown under the bus basically insinuating that I'm some creep. Cool. She then goes ahead and explains to me that her explanation of just not being happy anymore, is enough of an explanation. Which I think is total rubbish. As we were incredibly intimate and the experiences we had are experiences that most couples never even experience. We did that in 3 months. The adventures, the escape, the sex. She always wanted to get away from home, so I helped her with that. She wanted adventure, so I gave her that. She wanted it rough, so I gave her that. I tried to give her everything I possibly could. Apparently it wasn't enough, and at the end of it all. She goes ahead and says she wants absolutely no contact with me. Leaving me high and dry with no answers. This made me feel incredibly small, as I've just tried to be the nice guy with her all the time, where at the end of it now. The reason I followed her back on Instagram wasn't to just, see how she was doing. But, it was to see her fail. It's a sick thing, I know. But, there's an anger in me that is frustrated with not understanding why. I want to see her get with some other guy, who will screw her the fuck over. So, she'll realize that I was good to her. It also kills me to know how vulnerable I was with her, where we could basically just walk around naked with one another. Where now I'm treated like an unwanted stranger. Again, I want to see her fail, all of her dreams. Her art, I want it to all be nothing, and for her to be nothing to me anymore. Then, the other side of me sees her now in all that I do. As we both influenced one another's personalities heavily. Where there will always be a little bit of her, in me, and with her being even more impressionable, I'm sure she'll keep at least one thing of me in her. Guaranteed. Not that that's what I want, I'm just sure science can back me up on that. How humans just instinctively absorb things, like social behaviours. I wish I wasn't nice to her, and I wish I had dropped the big, "Fuck you!" Bomb on her, in some fashion. I'm hurt, and I feel so small once again. I learned to love her art, her music, and all the little things about her. Where now I'm finding it so hard to forget about it all, and it'll only take someone who will treat me right, to make me forget about it all, and who knows how long that could take. I need to be the bigger person at the end of this, and find an actual lesson out of all of this. I can't keep crying. I can't keep missing. I can't keep associating her with absolutely everything I see in people. All the hopes she gave me, and now to the regrets. It's a regret, she is a regret, and a mistake. A lesson learned, from learning what? Not to trust people? To not follow my, "heart"? Whatever that means. Yesterday I deleted about 700 photos/videos of her and I. Keeping some of the really photogenic or excellent photos I took, and of some she took too. I hate keeping the few, as the memories run deep with all, for the next step I take in memory of her might be the greatest fall. She broke me, and it's sad to say.