Finding You

Chapter 14

Beads of sweat drip down my body through my sweater, confusing the crisp fall air for hot summertime. You would think that walking a mile outside in the fall from class back home to the apartment when it's the perfect middle temperature of not too cold but not too hot, that would feel refreshing and enjoyable. But it is not. With a thick sweater and jacket on overtop, I'm almost out of breath and overheated even though it's fairly chilly outside. Maybe I should start working out more.

That thought lasted a solid two seconds, I hate going to the gym. That long walk to and from class is good enough for me.

Peeling my jacket off as soon as I step into the apartment, and soon followed by my sweater, left with just my cropped tank top underneath, my body is immediately cooled in seconds.

"Surprise!" I hear Kaia's voice as she pops out from around the corner of the kitchen coming from Delia's room. I haven't seen her in over a month, feeling too long at that. I had no idea she was coming this weekend, so seeing her here was definitely a pleasant surprise.

"When did you get in?" I ask as we hug each other.

"Only an hour ago. Are you hungry? Delia and I were thinking of a girl's night at that new brewery down the street, now that we're all twenty-one. Delia said she heard they have great tacos." Sometimes I forget that I have three-hour labs on Fridays, and by the time I finish and get home it's dinner time.

"Sounds delicious, I just need to change my top. I'll only be a minute." Delia turned twenty-one back in September just after classes started, and my birthday was early summer. Kaia is a year older like Henry, making D the youngest of the group. Searching through my closet, I grabbed a long sleeve black crop top and a rustic brown cable sweater cardigan to throw on over it.

—

Earthy and rustic brown-toned textiles and wood textures covered the brewery interior, with black and gold metallic accents in wall decor and in the bold geometric til that wraps around the bar. Outdoor string lights covering the ceiling above us, blanketing everyone underneath them in warmth and comfort.

"You heard right babe, these tacos are to die for," Kaia says. And she's absolutely right. We each got tacos, Kaia and I both ordered the carnitas with grilled garden vegetables, smothered in their homemade sauce that was perfectly blended between savory sweetness and a tangy bite.

"I have a proposal for you two," I say, and the both of them raise an eyebrow in curiosity. "Usually every Thanksgiving, Grams and I cook a huge meal for just the two of us. Well, mainly Grams does the cooking. I just help with whatever she wants me to, but I was wondering if this year, you two and the guys would want to help me cook dinner for Grams? I know you all have family plans, so I was thinking about the night before Thanksgiving. As a little surprise for her."

They both smile and take one sideways look at each other before Delia says, "That is the sweetest thing. Of course, we would love to."

Another tray of beers arrives at our table, thank the stars above this doesn't taste anything like the lowball shit that's given out at parties.

"Finally, beer that is being drunk more than worn by Luna," Delia says with one end of her smile curled up.

"Only because there's not a drunken male within ten feet of me. Closer than that and it's game over for my outfit."

"The look on their face is always priceless. I swear you give them this look that makes them regret their entire existence. One look and you scare them shitless," Delia says as she takes another heavy sip of her beer.

"I do not!" I shout back, a little surprised. "Do I really? I've been told I have a horrible resting bitch face, I guess adding warm beer down my shirt doesn't really help that."

"Yeah, you really do," Kaia says as laughter spills out from each of us.

"Can you teach me that look? It could really ward off some unfriendly fraternity air heads," Delia says.

"I can think of one guy that definitely doesn't regret spilling his beer on you," Kaia says and she winks at me. I can feel my cheeks blush, but I shove that back down as my mind instantly goes back to mine and Sebastian's date from a week ago. Well, it wasn't really a date. Sebastian was only a fill in because I was stood up. A pity date. I don't believe he would ever see me another way besides platonic, and even if he did, I'd be lying if I said I wanted him to. Because if he ever did, that would mean he would have to see all of me, all of what is inside my head. My past, my present struggling. That scared me more than anything.

A few beers later, and our attention is grabbed immediately by the sound of Partition by Beyoncé when it starts playing near the dance floor on the other end of the brewery. We all three jump up and head closer to the music.

Dancing lights flicker all over, a yellow speckled light show on everyone's bodies. Kaia and Delia's bodies sway in rhythm, facing each other with Delia's arms drapes over Kaia's shoulders. My hips sway at the same pace to the music, letting go and drown everything else out. We dance until sweat glistens across all of our foreheads and chests and until my body grows tired, begging to be put to rest for the night.

—

At two in the morning, I finally fall comfortably in bed, and the feeling of cleanliness from a fresh shower calms me. Staring up at the ceiling, I envied its completely blank slate, something I wish I could do sometimes. Just start over all together. Without a trace or memory of the past. Something hits me out of nowhere. Suddenly I realize that common feeling of desolation and emptiness feels a little less overpowering. They're not gone, still there at the back of my mind, waiting to come out when they feel I've weakened. They're overcome with an odd sense of relief. It makes me curious, wondering if I'll keep running away from myself, latching onto others to keep me safe. If I face myself in the mirror, will I still hate the person I'm looking at? Or will I try to love the woman who's staring back at me, fighting to be set free from her demons? I guess the only way to find out is to stop running.

A heavy sigh escapes me.

It's strange, how some of the things that you hate the most and scares you into hiding can also be what make you fight for your life. What makes you set yourself free.