A Song for Butterflies

Chapter 5: She's Like a Whisper on the Wind

"Remind me why you started calling me butterfly?" I ask as we walk our familiar path around the pond. I know the answer, but I want to hear him say it. I want to know if he remembers.

Nate laughs. "Because the-girl-who-lives-in-a-cocoon was too long?"

I smile and roll my eyes. "Seriously."

"Because...you used to come alive around me. You would break out of that shell you always had around you at school. I wish you'd get out of it now."

Is it that obvious? We walk in silence next to each other for a while. We should be holding hands. It's the way we used to walk together, with our guitars slung over our shoulders. I build up the courage to say, "I miss you."

He narrows his eyes at me, furrows his brow.

"You're surprised?" I ask.

"Well, yeah. You're the one who broke up with me. You're the one who didn't answer my calls for months afterward until I finally gave up."

"Nate, c'mon. It wasn't like that."

"Yes, it was," he says, raising his voice, not in anger but with conviction.

I don't know where my tears have come from but they sting my eyes as I say, "I just wanted you to have your chance. And I'm glad I did. Look at you." I motion to him, this statuesque, vision of a man that I've ached for every day since he left. It can't be true that he's standing in front of me now. I thought I would never hear my name on his lips again.

He stops walking. "I didn't need you to make my decision for me. I'm a grown man."

"You weren't then. And you have to admit, it made it a lot easier, didn't it?"

He doesn't answer and I know I'm right. But now, here we are, neither of us children anymore, holding onto a love between two people who no longer exist. And yet, it feels like they're still here. At least some form of them.

We start walking again. "My mom still asks about you," he says.

"I miss her too. Please tell her hi for me."

"I will."

"She didn't like that tattooed girl you were dating?"

Nate laughs. "She never met her. But she sure did have a lot to say about her over the phone."

I smile. "I bet she did."

"What about you?" he asks. "You dating anyone?"

He walks with his hands in his pockets, kicking invisible rocks along the sidewalk.

"No."

"Have you dated anyone?"

I'm hurt by his question. Is it impossible that anyone else could have wanted me? Or should I have been sitting around waiting for him?

"Nothing serious," I say. Because I have been waiting around for him. No one has come close to comparing.

Nate stops and reaches out to grab my shoulders, his grasp soft but firm. "Katie, I'm trying to understand what's going on in your head."

His nose is inches from mine and he's so close I could kiss him if I wanted to. I almost do, just to see if it feels the same, or if that has changed too.

"I don't know, Nate. Does it matter? When you leave here in a few minutes, what possibilities are there? You'll go back to your superstar lifestyle and I'll be here, finishing up my album. Maybe I'll play at some local venues. Maybe I'll do a radio tour, if I'm lucky. And then I'll go back to my minimum wage job and watch you live our dream."

"You are still stuck in high school, aren't you? We aren't kids anymore. You can have whatever you want, if you'd just believe in yourself, the way I always have."

He makes it sound like it's so easy but all he's doing is reminding me that I've searched for my spot in the world every waking moment of my life for the past three years, only to find closed doors. And he shouldn't have to hold my hand as I try to find myself.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to pull you back into this." I take a step back. "It was nice catching up with you."

Nate lets go of me and runs his fingers through his hair roughly. "You're doing this again? This is it?"

"What else is there?"

He ponders me, slowly moves my hair from my face, and speaks softly when he says, "Our worlds aren't that far apart, you know."

"Yes, they are."

"They don't have to be."

I frown because he's saying all the right things at the worst possible time.

"What are you saying, Nate? What do you want?"

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