What If

What If I Say No?- Part 1- Goodbyes

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I can't."

He wouldn't even look at me. He stared deeply into his Mocha. The brim of his eyes were turning red.

Not knowing what else to do, I stirred my Dragon Oolong tea, watching the liquid form a blood red hurricane.

Through gritted teeth he asked, "It's because of him, isn't it?"

"Yes."

His fist was clenched so tight, the bones of his knuckles could be seen through his skin.

I wanted to comfort him. To make everything OK. My hand was already reaching for his when I stopped, letting it hang awkwardly between the two of us until I let it fall dumbly below the counter. Things would be different between us now; I knew. Even though we hadn't been friends longer than a month, I thought us to be really close. However close we used to be, no longer mattered. I couldn't comfort him because I couldn't give him even the slightest hope that I might change my mind.

"Why?" He whimpered. "He's married, Evie. With like a bazillion kids! And he's a complete tool... So why him?" He was finally looking at me; but I wished he wouldn't. His anguish and hurt left cracks in his marble eyes. His glare burned through me like a laser; making me feel miniscule.

"I don't know." I let out the start of a sob. Sneaky sucker, I didn't even see it coming. Then it shook in my chest, getting caught in the back of my throat.

His icy expression melted. He looked like he wanted to comfort me, but thought twice about it. "It's none of my business, I guess... I'm sorry." He mumbled into his mug.

"Me too."

*

I called him that night.

He didn't answer. He never answered.

After talking with Mathew I knew I wanted some sort of future. But I can't have it with him. At least not just yet.

It rings to voicemail. "Hi, you've reached the voice mailbox of Caspen. Please leave your message after the tone. Beep."

I hesitated, filling the message with silence. What if his wife heard it? Finally I start to say what needs to be said. "Caspen..." I begin to lose my nerve to see it through. "I can't... I can't do this... right now." Then I hang up. I stared at my iPhone screen which tried to tempt me to call him and take back everything I said. I flung the device onto my bed. I won't let it... Let him have this power over me....

So I pack.

I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I even plan to go. I throw random pastel colored pants, plaid shirts, sundresses, and anything easily accessible in my closet, into my blue hard case suitcase. For a second, rationality pops in and I think, "I can't do this... None of these clothes even go together." Then I hush the voice in my head and push myself to see this through.

I race to the bathroom, pulling deodorant, toothpaste, hairspray, and anything else my quaking hands can grab.

Before I could even remember to breathe, I had all my essentials packed up and ready to go wherever it was I was going. I had some cash hidden away in an old shoebox. I guess on some level I always knew it would come down to this. I leave rent and cable money on the table; as well as a note for my roommate. Man is she going to be bummed to wake up and realize I've run away. I was surprised I didn't wake her up in all of the hoopla.

Shelby,

I've leaving. I just had to go... You know? I've left money for rent and cable. Sorry to do this so short notice... I'll call you when I get there.

Evie.

I give my room a once over, picking up my phone. "You don't have to go through with this, just call him," it taunts.

"Yes, I do, you temptress," I grumble, shoving it into my back pant pocket. I pick Tessa, my acoustic guitar, from her corner of the room.  This was it.

I turned off the lights, grabbed my suitcase, and packed my things into my Mercury Milan.

This was goodbye.