unordinary | BUCKY BARNES

chapter twelve

There was no way to describe the pain he felt. Since he lost you, Bucky felt like he had lost himself.

Since he got back to New York, he had locked himself in your room, and hadn't left since.

It had been nearly five days.

Steve would come, and try to get him to come out to eat, but he always refused. Steve would bring him meals to him, where he spent the majority of the time staring at the wall, or at pictures of you he had found lying about your room.

Everything here reminded him of you, you had so little time spent together that he lived in fear that he would forget you. He couldn't forget you, he wouldn't ever forgive himself if he did.

"I'm so sorry, Cat." He whispered into your pillow. "I shouldn't have let this happen."

—

"Have they found her?" Nat asked Tony, who was sitting with reading glasses, reading well... Whatever the hell Tony reads.

"No." He replied, not looking up from the screen.

"Well can they try harder?" Nat asked, annoyed.

They had sent a team out led by Rhody, the person who seemed least emotionally effected by your death, to try and find your body. But there had been no success. All they could find was rubble. The entire building had been destroyed, and the news had covered it up by saying it was a tragic accident with no casualties.

"There's no more we can do."

Tony had been quiet ever since you died, he wasn't as snarky and sarcastic as usual, and his playboy billionaire attitude seemed to die with you.

A part of everyone had been lost that day.

—

Bucky still had nightmares. But they were different now. Instead of reliving his worst moments as the winter soldier, he relived his worst moments as Bucky Barnes. Every night since your death, without fail, he heard the bomb going off in his dreams.

It was deafening.

He barley got any sleep anymore, it was too painful. He had just slipped into this hole of depression that was digging deeper and deeper as the days went on.

—

"She deserves a funeral at least." Nat argued.

Nat was in pain, so much pain, you were the closest to family she had ever had. She loved you more than anyone else in this world.

"And she will have one." Tony replied. "The search isn't over, we just have to be patient."

Nat nodded and walked away. Her heart sunk after hearing they still hadn't found your body. You didn't deserve any of this. At the least you deserved a proper funeral, not to be discarded like some sort of trash found on the side of the road.

She sunk into a chair and concentrated on her breathing. She had to stay strong, for her friends, for you. You wouldn't want her to be upset.

Nat wiped her eyes, brushed down her clothes and left the room, living in doubt of what has happened and getting on with her day as usual, letting everything boil up inside without being let out.

She hadn't cried since the bomb went off, and she didn't plan on crying again.

"Y/N, I miss you so much." She whispered to herself.

—

It had now been 2 weeks since you died. No body was found, and everyone had finally agreed to having a memorial.

Nat still protested for a proper funeral, but without a body that was difficult.

Natasha sat in front of the TV, with her head rested on Steve's shoulder. He has been the only person she really opened up to since you died, and he had been amazingly supportive and reassuring when she needed him to be.

"Rumours circulate of The Black Cat, one of America's beloved Avengers, to have passed away in a tragic accident in London. We are still waiting on confirmation from Tony Stark or Captain Steve Rogers to confirm this news." A news reporter read out, a smiling paparazzi picture of you on a screen behind him.

Steve let out a sigh. He knew the press would need to know eventually, before more rumours spread, but he couldn't bring himself to walk out in front of all of those journalists and camera men standing at the entrance to the tower and say to all of their faces that one of his best friends had died during a mission that HE had led.

Tony's phone had been ringing non stop, questions about you, questions about what happened on the mission, questions about what was going to happen next.

In all honesty, he didn't know. He didn't know what was going to happen next. The Avengers had never suffered a loss like this before, nothing as heart breaking as this.

—

"Hey Buck." Steve said quietly, knocking on the door of your room, where Bucky was still staying.

Steve came into the room and frowned at his best friend. Bucky looked like he hadn't changed his clothes in about 5 days, or showered in at least 12.

"Come on, buddy, you haven't left this room in days."

Bucky didn't reply, he just mumbled some words that Steve couldn't make out.

Steve walked over to the window and opened the curtains, causing Bucky to quint his eyes at the strong, midday sunlight now hitting his face for the first time in a while.

"You gotta look after yourself, pal." Steve said, patting Bucky on the back. "You can't live like this."

Bucky knew that, he knew this wasn't right, he knew this wasn't the life you would have wanted h to have, but he couldn't bring himself to live any differently. Just getting out of bed and opening the curtains was too much for him right now. He hopes this lonely feeling would wash away, because if it didn't, he didn't think that he would be able to go on like this.

The pain was too much. And the pain was never ending.

He just wanted to hold you again, just once more. He had to much to say, and you had so little time.

Why couldn't for once, only once, could he have his happily ever after?