Patron Saint of Lost Causes

chapter 20: crybaby

You seem to replace your brain with your heart
You take things so hard and then you fall apart

You try to explain, but before you can start
Those cry baby tears come out of the dark

Someone's turning the handle to that faucet in your eyes
They're pouring out where everyone can see

Your heart's too big for your body, it's why you won't fit inside
They're pouring out where everyone can see

They call you cry baby, cry baby
But you don't fucking care
Cry baby, cry baby
So you laugh through your tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause you don't fucking care
Tears fall to the ground
You just let them drop

-"Crybaby" by Melanie Martinez

tuesday

Alex sighed as she untied her pointe shoes. She had always wanted to learn Giselle's variation from act one, ever since she saw the ballet when she was eight, but god, she was tired. At least her teacher didn't mind letting her go a little early if she was doing well and wanted to open the library a little early.

Today, though, she wasn't going to the library quite yet. She changed out of her leotard and tights back into her school uniform, leaving her hair pinned up in a neat bun, and swapped her dance bag for her school bag in her studio locket. The hallways were quiet, and she leaned against the wall outside the ninth grade English composition classroom, listening to the teacher's voice through the closed door. She played idly on her phone as she stretched out her aching calves. Usually JJ or Penelope would walk him to the library, but JJ had soccer practice and Penelope had ukulele club, and Alex wasn't willing to let Spencer walk the hallways alone, not when everyone was talking about all of the suspensions and the expulsion. He already wasn't recovering well, no need to make it worse.

The bell rang and she dropped her phone in her blazer pocket as the door opened. Spencer tripped into the hallway, his half-zipped backpack dangling on one shoulder. "Alex!" he said.

"Slow down, darling, slow down," she laughed. She shifted his backpack to sit properly and zipped it shut the rest of the way. "You ready to go?"

He nodded and grabbed her hand. The hall was beginning to flood with other students spilling out of their classrooms, and in the sudden rush of movement and sound Spencer pressed himself tightly against her hip, making himself as small as possible.

"Alex, you have him?" JJ called over the chatter. Penelope waved anxiously at them, already separated in the crowd.

"I have him," she called back. "You two have fun, we'll see you at dinner." She looked down at Spencer and squeezed his hand. "You're okay, sweetheart. Let's go."

At first she'd been pleased to see that he'd made it through classes, but now she wasn't sure if that was a sign of progress or just sheer stubbornness. Yesterday it had been terrifying to get the text from James that Spencer was having a panic attack. She'd unlocked the library early, hoping that some peace and quiet would help him. It seemed to help, but by the time class was over and the rest of the kids came to join them he'd cried himself to sleep in her arms.

She unlocked the library doors and ushered him inside as she turned on the lights. "Go get a snack before everyone else gets here," she said. "Do you have any homework?"

He shrugged his backpack off and set it down at their usual table. "Just some math problems," he said. "I don't think I want a snack, though, thanks."

Alex frowned. He'd barely eaten breakfast and even less at lunch. "Well, we'll go to dinner as soon as we can," she said.