Symptomatic

8

Harry went to the music studio with Jj in the end. There was no way in hell he was going to be cooped up in the house, feeling desperate and alone. He needed to be productive.

However, what began as an attempt at getting his mind off of everything that was going on, turned into Harry sprawled on the couch, watching the older man decide which sample went best with the tempo and mood of the new song he was planning to bring to life.

Apparently producing was now one of Jj's new life ventures. Rapping, singing, boxing, producing- at this point, Harry wondered what Jj couldn't do.

"Do you like how this sounds, Bog?" Jj called from across the studio, starting the track. It was slow and chill. It was the type of song Harry generally enjoyed. However, this time, the beat seemed too loud. It hurt his head and made his heart twitch. It caused him physical pain, and he just wanted it to stop.

"Yeah, it sounds great." He responded, frustrated at how weak his voice sounded. Whenever Harry got out of the habit of speaking, it was almost as if his voice forgot how to work.

"What, no criticism?" Jj teased. "No calling me a 'wannabe producer' or any shit like that?" Jj cackled as he finished speaking, though Harry had little to no reaction. He just stared at him blankly, eyes drooping slightly.

"Do you think he's sick?" Jj asked with a spark of nervousness in his eyes, and Harry grew confused. Who was he talking to? He followed Jj's gaze, and saw Josh sitting next to him on the sofa. He hadn't even realised Josh had accompanied them, and they'd been here for almost an hour.

"I think he's anxious and sleep deprived." Josh said monotonously, crossing his arms. "And not eating enough. And not telling us the truth."

"I try to eat, mate. It's not like I'm trying to loose weight or anything." Harry said, frustratedly.

"Why aren't you eating, then?"

"Because of my stomach. I feel sick every second of the day- except for when I'm filming, so don't even bother trying to force me into taking a break again." Harry could feel the anger build up in his system. It was a type of anger he hadn't experienced in a long time- not since the arguments they had all had at the time of their big group fall out. It was selfish, prideful, self conscious anger. It was the type of anger you felt when the only control you had in the entire world was being able to snap at people and make them feel bad. Blaming them for your own problems.

"I think you just need to sleep more."

"Well, for your information, that's not an option." Harry could no longer hold his anger down. His fists were clenched and he felt like crying. "I can't sleep for more than two hours without waking up and having a panic attack! I literally worry the whole fucking day about sleeping! So, no, Josh, I won't be able to sleep it off like you think. My mum died. You think I can just sleep that off?"

Josh and Jj were speechless. The eldest only stood up from where he sat and walked toward Harry, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry if I sounded insensitive. It'll get better, Harry." He said softly. "You can't rush it. Just give it some time."

Harry stared off into space, still fuming.

"Do you want to go back home?"

Harry shook his head, and Jj turned back around in his chair, so he could continue working. He just continued to stare at the wall, getting lost in his own thoughts, until something around him seemed to shift. It was as the world had turned sideways, even though everything seemed pretty straight to him. Harry blinked, noticing a fuzziness to his surroundings. His head was swimming and his neck felt weak. He looked around again, the lights suddenly too bright.

What was happening?

Was this a dream?

Harry rubbed his eyes over and over again with his fingers, wishing everything to go back to normal, but it wouldn't. Was he awake? Was he even alive? The other guys's voices sounded muffled and muted, as though Harry was underwater. They started to echo. It was all getting worse. Blurrier. Indescribable- almost shimmery, as if dust was raining from the ceiling. He blinked in slow motion. He lifted his hand up in front of his face and moved it. Slow motion.

Was anything real?

Was Harry dead?

The muffled voices grew louder in his head, morphing together in one big, painful, overwhelming noise. He started to cry, blinking violently, shaking his limbs around, wishing for them to start working again. And a pair of hands were clasped onto his shoulders, pulling him into a sitting position. Someone had their arm behind Harry's back, holding him upright.

"-rry, what's wrong?"

Harry buried his head in the shoulder of whoever was holding him up, crying harder. It was terrifying. He was so alarmed.

"It's not real," He whispered. "I'm not alive..."

"You're alive. It's okay. I'm here." The voice was startlingly clear all of a sudden- clearer than everything else around him. Harry leaned into it.

"I want to wake up..."

"You're awake, Harry. I promise. I'm here."

"I'm gonna die, I'm not gonna wake up."

"Look at me."

Suddenly, Harry was looking straight at Josh. He could make out most of the details on his face, aside from the slight fuzziness and sparks that outlined his head. Harry reached his hand forward and poked Josh's face, realising that it was, in fact, real. It was very real. He poked it again, feeling flesh and bone. He touched Josh's hair, feeling each strand, rough against his hand.

The sparks were disappearing. The fuzziness was disappearing. The hollow, empty feeling in his chest was closing.

Harry was coming back to life.

He blinked, and everything was in focus. The world was real again, and he was a part of it.

"Are you back?" Josh nearly whispered. Harry nodded, burying his teary face in his friends dark hoodie. In any other situation he would have been humiliated to show so much vulnerability, but right now he was too overwhelmed to care. He wanted somebody to take care of him, to keep him from dying.

"What happened?" Jj asked, his voice shaking slightly, not knowing if he should speak or not.

"Everything shifted." Harry attempted to explain. "It was fuzzy and slow and the lights were too bright and all the sounds were muffled- and, and it was like I was dreaming. It wouldn't go back to normal."

"I think he dissociated," Josh said after a few moments. "It's happened to me once or twice when I was editing really late at night, but it wasn't this bad. It's really hard to understand until it happens to you."

"Does he need to go to a doctor?" Jj sounded extremely worried at this point, feeling completely out of his depth.

"What could they do? It's psychological. Unless you wanna take him to a psychologist in the middle of the night?" He spoke sarcastically, not meaning to of course.

He patted Harry's back and spoke again, this time much sweeter. "Come on, let's stand up. You'll feel better if you get up and walk around."

Harry felt as if nothing would ever be okay again, though. He felt completely hopeless.

He had gone insane.