[OliverSykes] The Only Way I'll Really Smile

Five Point Five

It’s weird when someone who held so much space in your heart comes back in your life, but is a completely different person. You start to wonder why this person ever meant so much to you because now they would be someone you look at with disdain.

Then it begins to ruin all your memories with that person. Was that person always the way he is now? Did I just not see that he was acting like someone else when he was around me?

You want to think that he made such a positive impact on you, but then you see how little of an impact you made on him. I would never look at him with respect and adoration if he was on drugs, sleeping around, and acting like he is now when we were younger. We wouldn’t have been friends.

Everything we did together meant nothing in the end, because it didn’t make him who he is today. I wouldn’t have even looked his way twice if he was who he is today.

Then I start to think that my disappearance had everything to do with it. I wasn’t there for him.

But I can’t put that on me. It’s on him in the end.

I tried. I tried for years to keep in contact with him. Every email I wrote him, every letter, would go without a response, but I would still send them in hope that one day he would write back. Just because I left physically doesn’t mean I left emotionally.

Besides, I could never have that much power over someone who wasn’t in love with me. The only person who I should have that much influence on is the man who loves me – the man who is in love with me.

Clearly I didn’t mean much, considering I never got a word from him since I moved. I didn’t even know that the band got signed. I didn’t know when they went on their first world tour to the states. I knew nothing, because he cut me out.

And that’s not a friend, let alone a man in love with me.

I felt pathetic with every letter and email I sent him, but I refused to give up.

You never give up your first love.