Anna's life

Chapter 21

Anna

I felt someone rub my back and whispering in my ear for me to wake up

I slowly started to open my eyes and I felt the sun hit my eyes making me scrunch my face

I realised I wasn't in my room but in Ashtons

And then it hit me

I had a panic attack yesterday after the nightmare I had with my mom

I heard Calum's voice from beside me

"Wake up baby" He said

"I'm awake what time is it?" I asked him and he looked at his watch

"It's almost noon" he said to me and I shot up

"I have school Calum why didn't you wake me up?!" I said as I started to get up but Calum stopped me

"You're not going to school today baby calm down and sit we need to talk" he said and I looked at him

Deep inside me I knew he wanted to talk about yesterday's panic attack because the guys most likely told him about it but I tried to hide it

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked

"Yesterday's panic attack" he said getting straight to the point

"The guys told me you wouldn't calm down and you almost passed out so they gave you a relaxer" he continued

"I know panic attacks are not unknown to you but the last 2 months you've had many of them and some of them were pretty serious" he said

"I know but Cal many things have happend the last 2 months including mom and David too" I said trying to explain myself

"Anna, we talked about it in February and we said we would give you one month to see if you could deal with it before going to a therapist again but baby you're not okay" he said and I felt tears coming to my eyes

I'm okay

"I'm okay Calum" I said fighting my tears

"You're not okay Anna and I know you don't like feeling this way and the only way to get through this is if you start therapy again" he said and I felt the first tears escape my eyes

"I'm okay Calum I don't need a therapist" I said again

"Are you trying to convince yourself or me?" Calum asked me and I looked at him

"You're not okay and it's okay not to be okay, but nothing is going to change if you don't open up about your feelings and talk to a professional about them" Calum said and I broke down in tears

He was right

I wasn't okay and I was trying to convince myself I was

The nightmares ,the constant void in my life, the feeling I was never going to be good enough for anyone, me crying myself to sleep and pretending everything was fine had to stop

I needed to see a therapist in order to feel okay again

After crying in Calum's arms for what felt like 3 hours we talked about our options and he asked me if I wanted my old therapist or a new one

Honestly I felt like the new therapist would have to catch up to a lot of things so I told him I want my old one

He asked me what days were okay for me and then he called and made an appointment for me

And now here we are

Waiting outside of my old therapist office for my appointment

"Anna Hood?" A nurse said and I stood up and Calum did the same standing my my side

"Everything is going to be fine baby" he said and kissed my head and I looked at him as I walked in the office

"Anna Hello long time no see" Dr. Smith said

She was my therapist since I was 12 years old and I asked for a woman because I felt more comfortable having a woman to talk about my feelings instead of a man

"Hello Candice" I said and she smiled

I always called her my her name

After simply chatting for 20 minutes mainly talking about school and all of the everyday things she started asking the real questions

"So how are you feeling?" She asked me and I shrugged

"I guess not too good to be here again" I said

"To you want to elaborate the 'not too good' part?"she asked

"Well I started having more panic attacks the last two months and I have nightmares about my mom" I said looking at my hands

"What kind of nightmares?" She asked me and I glanced up to her before looking at my hands again

"Umm its kinda weird" I said

"Nothing you're going to say in here will be judged Anna you know this, I just want to help you" she said and I nodded

I cleared my throat

"Well it's not always the same nightmare but they all end in the same way" I said and I saw her nodding

"Basically it's me and my mom having dinner or watching tv or anything really and we're talking about our day and she always gets mad with me as soon as I say I had a good day" I took a breath and continued

"She always say I'm selfish and that I took her life away and she screams at my face telling me she hates me and then somehow she always find something to kill me whether this is a knife or a car accident or even a gun" I say feeling a weight being lifted of my shoulders

"Do you think your mothers death is your fault?" She asked me and I sighed

"I know it technically wasn't my fault and I try and think logically most of the times but then I remind myself that if I hadn't called her then it would've never happend"

"I think you're beating yourself up on purpose" she says and I frown

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion

"Well you feel like your mother's death is your fault and even though you know it isn't you make yourself believe it was your fault because you're trying to feel the pain you think you deserve" she said I looked at her confused

"Tell me Anna are there times in your life where you're having fun and you feel guilty?" She asked me and I try find a truthful answer

"I don't think I feel like that at the exact moment I'm having fun but yes I do feel guilty for leaving her life" I said

"But that's the thing Anna, it's not her life it's yours" she said to me and I kept looking at her

"You think you deserve to feel pain and you think that you took her place in this world by 'killing' her but that's not true" She continued

"You need to understand that her life ended but you didn't replace her, you didn't take her life you just continued yours , every human in this earth has a place and a purpose no one can fulfil besides themselves, no one can replace her, not even you" she said and I was trying to understand what she meant

"Try and think of the things we talked about and next week we can discuss them more okay?" She said and I nodded as I stood up since my appointment was now over

As I walked at of her office I completely confused but at the same time I felt like I understood what she said to me because deep inside of me I knew the truth but I just didn't want to admit it to myself

Thank you so much for reading and voting my story it really means a lot!❤️Feel free to make any kind of comments❤️Sorry I didn't update yesterday I had a lot of studying but now that Easter is here I'm hoping I can write more❤️