I have been sitting here for almost a month since you've gone away. My heart misses you every single day. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I keep hoping that I will hear you meow every time I walk through the door. I miss you so much and it kills me to know that I no longer can hold you close. You are the one thing on this Earth that I miss the most. I have never felt pain the way that I do with knowing you aren't here. Your physical being is so far but yet I always feel you near. I hear your meows in my head and I instantly feel my heart drop because I know that it isn't real and I am full of dread. I can almost always feel you on the foot of the bed, or laying right next to me when I lay down to rest at night, right on my pillow just above my head. Your favorite spot so you could protect me from harm if it ever came. My life has no meaning and it certainly hasn't been the same. You were my love, my life, and my joy. No matter what we went through, you were always momma's favorite boy. I love you, Coby. I hope you knew, that when you took your last breath, I felt nothing but shame because it wasn't me, but it was you. I don't want to keep living, I don't want to be here. I want to be with you again, I want to hold you close, feel your warmth as we snuggle into bed for the night and tell you I love you and to sleep tight. You have no idea how much I blame myself for you not being here anymore. I wish it were me and that you could have lived a longer life and given people more of a chance to adore everything that I always loved most about you. You were shy, but you also loved attention, you were my best friend and nothing and no one could ever take your place. I just hope that wherever you have gone that you are safe. Enjoying the life you should have been able to live here with me, but you see, momma couldn't afford the nice things, so she worked all the time. I hoped every time I walked out the door, that I would always return just in time to hug you tight and let you know momma would never leave you behind. I miss your purrs and your headbutts and snuggles. I cuddle your blanket because it makes me feel closer to you even if you are no longer the one I get to hold. But believe me when I tell you, there is never a day that a memory of you is never told. You have given me a lot of love and taught me that even the smallest things could never get old. You got on my nerves sometimes, but at the end of the day, you were mine and I was yours. Baby boy, I can't wait to see you again and play together so we never get bored. I grieve the loss of you every single day. There is so much that I wish you could have been able to say. You were not just my cat, you were like the son I never had. The child that I was so proud to have. You were a best friend, a companion and a soul. And I miss you more and more and more than you could ever know. My Bean, my Coby, my fat man, you could never leave my heart your urn is always going to stay on my night stand. I kiss your urn every morning before work and every night before bed. I just wish that I could go to sleep and get visits from you to know that your soul is not dead. I want to hear your meow again. I want to feel your fur on my skin. I don't know how to let my life begin. You were with me for SEVEN years and all I had ever known. And now that you are gone, I feel like my life and purpose will never be shown. I wish you were here. I wish you could be with me. But my Bean, I knew our time was limited, I just never wished the truth would come so soon and now it has to be. You aren't here and I live with that every day. But in my heart I know you wish you could have stayed. I don't like being here anymore. I want you home with me because I have nothing else worth living for. You were my purpose, my best friend. And it will stay that way until the very end. I wish there was a way to bring you back. But even if I could, it would never be the same, because wishful thinking is one thing I truly lack. I hope you are happy and full of joy. But I wish God would not have taken you, my sweet, sweet boy. My heart aches and it cries at the thought of you, your picture is everywhere, so you are always in full view. Please Coby, just know, that no matter where or who I am with, your memory is sure to go. I will see you again, one day I hope, sometimes I wish it sooner, but other times I know my time will come too, just know that if I make it to Heaven, the first soul I am looking for is you. Goodnight my love, goodnight my sweet, don't ever forget to let momma know if you are here, to give me a treat. Just a little show that you are with me, forever more, you are the one, I will always adore. Goodnight my handsome, goodnight my friend, my heart is with you until the very end. You are gone, but never forgotten. I am sorry if there was ever a day when you thought I was being rotten. You were my saving grace. My shining light. And your soul is the reason I would always put up a fight. To make sure that you were taken care of, to let you know you were going to be ok. Because no matter what, momma would never want you to go away. But now you are gone, and there is no light, my heart is dark and empty and there is no reason to fight. I love you, Coby. Today and everyday. Just watch over momma and make sure I never stray. I do this for you even though you are gone, but one day we will be together again, my sweet boy, just be there for me so my heart won't feel anymore pain. Goodnight my boy, goodnight my child. You left a mark on me with every mile we traveled and came back home, I just wish you didn't have to go so soon. The darkness takes over and I feel so alone. I wish you could talk, in case heaven had a phone. I would call every day to see how you were doing. To let you know I was thinking of you, to hear your voice would have have turned my dark to sunlight and I wouldn't be so blue. Goodnight my baby, goodnight my heart. No matter where you are, we will never be apart. Rest peacefully my sweet Coby, for tomorrow is another day. All I know is I had a lot to say, I whispered in your ear one last time and I hoped with each word, you carried it over to the other side. You crossed the Rainbow Bridge and now you are free, no longer in fear of any harm that is done to me. You were there through everything. And I wish I had made better decisions to make a better life. But now you are gone and I hope you watch over me and protect me from any strife. Goodbye my Bean, until we meet again, no matter what you were always my best friend. 8/22/13-3/27/21
