YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT // Kurt Cobain

Chapter 20

Los Angeles, CA

March 6, 1994

I had finally gotten out of rehab. It had only been three days since Thomas told me about Kurt's overdose, but everything seemed to be an eternity after the fact. Everything moved in slow motion, and was so uncertain. I wanted to rip my hair out due to the extreme stress I was under. Or maybe just black out drunk like the good old days. No, I had just gotten sober, and I didn't want to ruin the progress I made.

Thomas and Greg both agreed that they didn't trust me living alone for the time being, so Thomas volunteered his guest bedroom to me. I was so thankful for him, honestly. He validated my issues and supported me through everything that was happening. Sure, Greg did similarly, but it was good to just be around someone who I didn't have history with.

On this particular day I was writing in the journal that the rehab center provided me upon my arrival there. I wrote about my sobriety and how I hated it. I wrote about Kurt and how I just wanted to be with him. But then I went on talking about Thomas and how he was in the thick of it with me and had been holding me steady. This really made me recognize my gratefulness towards him.

I got up from the living room couch and walked into the kitchen, where Thomas was making his fourth coffee of the day. I walked up behind him and hugged him. He jumped in surprise, almost spilling scalding coffee everywhere. "Jesus, Erin, I'm holding the coffee pot! I could've dropped it or burned either one of us!"

"I'm sorry!" I laughed, letting go of him as I watched him put down the coffee pot properly and turn around to face me. "It's fine, E. What was that about, anyway?"

"What was what about?" I asked him, and he glanced at the floor before regaining eye contact with me. "Well," he gestured from me to himself then back to me, "this."

Oh. "I was just reflecting on everything happening lately in my journal and I found myself writing about you and how amazing you've been through all of this. I feel guilty for even dragging you into this," I told him and he immediately shook his head.

"No, this was my choice, I want to be here for you," he replied, taking my hand loosely in his. Well, this was new. And I wasn't opposed.

"Well, thank you, Tom, I really appreciate you," I said. Thomas lightly smiled, his eyes returning to the floor as he blushed. "I really appreciate you too, E."

He pulled me closer to him with the hand he was still holding mine with, and I became incredibly conscious of the close proximity we were in to one another. I looked down at our feet, and Thomas lifted his hand to my chin to lift my head up to look him directly in the eyes.

"I really respect you, Erin," he mumbled, and I opened my mouth to reciprocate, but instead Thomas shut me up by kissing me. Was I technically supposed to be in any form of romantic relationship? According to The Hills, no. But according to how Thomas gently held my face in his hands and taking things extra slowly and tentatively, hell to the yes.

I deepened the kiss, wrapping my arms around his torso, feeling the soft texture of his tee shirt. He let out a low moan and switched places with me so now my back was facing the counter, where the coffee was long forgotten. His hands traveled lower to they were resting on my hips, and my arms were now around his neck, my hands entangled in his curly hair.

He pulled away from me, and we both caught our breath, still holding onto each other. "What about Kurt?" he asked, and I shook my head, guiding him back to me. "Fuck Kurt, that era is over."

***

"I've been wanting to tell you for months," Thomas confessed, taking a sip of his water. He had insisted upon taking me out to dinner that night. We mutually agreed that we wanted to take things slowly, and he decided that going on a formal date was the first step.