Don't Know What To Do

Courage

Courage.

They say all you need is 30 seconds of blinding courage and it can change of your life.

Had Otis managed to just gather the strength to get the words out, had he just asked Maeve to stay – everything would've been different.

He wouldn't be on his train to Manchester crying his eyes out, wondering if he was going to come back to an empty apartment.

Wondering if he had just let the love of his life walk out the door.

He kept replaying the words over in his head "I need space."

What does that even mean? What does needing space mean?

Did she want a few days to herself away from Otis or the rest of her life?

And did Otis even want to know the answer to that question?

Otis loved Maeve. This had been true since the day he bumped into her in the hall. She was the love of his life, the girl of his dreams.

So how did he let some random guy named Sam wreck all of it?

Was he really that insecure? Was he really that unsure of how much his love mattered to Maeve?

His mind kept going back to a conversation he and Maeve had had a few months ago. It seemed so inconsequential at the time but now it was all he could think about.

It had been a long day and Otis was exhausted. He knew he wanted to become a therapist more than anything in the world but on days like today, when he could barely breathe from all the stress, he wondered if it was worth it.

While he was the verge of having his third existential crisis of the day, Otis felt arms encircling him from behind. He hadn't even noticed when Maeve had walked into their bedroom but her mere presence made him smile.

"Hey baby." Maeve whispered.

"Hey." Otis said.

"What's wrong?" Maeve asked, her eyebrows furrowing with worry.

"How did you know something was wrong?" Otis asked.

"Your eyes look kind of grey; they get like that when you're sad or stressed. They're bright blue when you're happy." Maeve said with a small smile.

Otis felt his heart flutter at that. It was weird, they had been together for years at this point, he wasn't supposed to feel excited by Maeve knowing things about him. It was supposed to be something that felt normal as opposed to feeling like the most extraordinary thing in the world.

"I had one of the worst days ever, where I questioned every life choice I have ever made. But right now, standing here with you, I can't remember why." Otis said.

Maeve smiled her signature Otis smile, the one she reserved only for him, as she leaned in to peck him on the lips.

"If this is all my life is, if I never become a therapist or have any of my dreams come true but I get to have you – it'll be enough for me." Otis said.

"You're going to have each and every one of your dreams come true, Otis. And I'm going to be right by your side for all of it." Maeve said, leaning in to kiss Otis again.

Otis was startled out of his nostalgia by an announcement about the train reaching one of its many stops.

A part of him felt relief, the constant fighting, the insecurity, the jealousy had begun to take a toll on him. But a much larger part of him felt loss, as if a piece of his heart had been ripped from his chest.

He had no idea where things stood with Maeve, maybe they were going to be okay. Maybe the space and the time between now and when he would be back would be enough to give them some much needed perspective.

Or maybe each and every one of Otis' insecurities was coming true. Maybe the voice in his head that kept telling him that he would never be good enough for Maeve, that he would never deserve her was right all along.

Maybe he had finally pushed Maeve over the edge with the constant need for reassurance, the need to be told that she would be around when he woke up in the morning and when he went to bed at night.

Maybe he was so busy fighting the voice in his head that he forgot to see Maeve, forgot to see what she wanted, what she needed.

He loved her, more than anything in this world. She was the person who could make him feel better in an instant, make him feel loved, make him feel wanted.

But there would be days when she would have to go to a party for work and all Otis would be able to think about would be how much he doesn't fit into her world. How much he can't understand the industry she's entering.

All he wanted was to be able to understand, to show support but he just couldn't. He couldn't get past himself.

The thoughts were starting to take over, the panic beginning to set in.

So, Otis tried to take deep breaths, focus on the things around him. He tried to divert his attention to anything other than the feeling of dread threatening to consume him.

He told himself that nothing was for certain. This could just be a rough patch that Maeve and he would work through, they'd done it before.

This wasn't the end, it couldn't be.

But then why did it feel like it was?