Rambling Monsters | Mikaelsons' Diaries

Does It Even Matter? [Mikael]

A/N: I wrote this chapter in Mikael's POV. He is a little OOC, as in out of character. I'm not using his characterization from the show. It inspired me, but I'm giving my own spin to it. There're mentions of suicidal thoughts. So careful if that triggers you.

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15 of July 1506

I do not understand the purpose of this. A strange exercise, if you ask me. It's pointless, frivolous. No one will ever read this. I won't let them, even if I intended to go forward with this project.

Why should I write about my life? My memories of them?

Should they not die with me when I leave this world to go met my wife?

The world now sees my children as monsters. Who would want to read my ramblings about them? Who cares if I miss them? They certainly do not.

Perhaps I'm a hard person to miss. They would be better off without me. I should have been a better father, shouldn't I? I tried. I swear I tried.

But did I? Gods, did I truly try to hold down this beast inside of me?

Does it even matter now? All my children despise me.

The last time I tried to talk to Finn, he made it more than clear he wanted nothing to do with me. My oldest boy threw everything he could get his hands on right at my head. And then he ran. He did not even listen to what I was trying to tell him. He simply left me.

I haven't seen him in centuries, that bloody fool! Dear Lord, I hope to every God my boy has not jumped off a cliff. He was so lost.

By Odin, I hope my boy is safe somewhere. My little Finny deserves happiness. He deserves peace. God, just please give my boy some peace, wherever he may be. I haven't heard from him in so long. Maybe he found a nice place. Perhaps that is why he disappeared. Yes. Perhaps that's why I have not had news from my Finn.

Kol also hates me. That much is painfully clear. I found him once. Last century, I think. He was alone. I truly thought that would help. Without the others, why would he not he hear me? I was wrong. So very wrong.

My little wizard, always with the spells and tricks. I should have known Kol would outsmart me. I could never keep him quiet as a child. My boy would always slip away. I could never catch him, at least not until he had already broken or stolen something from one of our neighbors. Esther only barely managed him. He almost drove her mad.

He had his witch friends blast me away while he fled. I haven't seen him since. I have not heard from him either. But he must be alright. My Kol is too smart to let himself get lost. He will find his way.

I could not talk to Rebekah and Elijah yet. I have seen glimpses of them, right before they fled. They seem fine. Healthy, I suppose. I have been hearing terrible stories about them. Massacres. All their misguided little endeavors.

But I do not suppose it would do much good. If I talked to them. Of course they will never listen to me. Why would they? My presence, my name and my hunt have stolen so much from them. I took away their chance at peace, their chance of a quiet life. A simple one, with love and kindness.

It was all my fault. I wish it could be his fault. I wish I could blame him for it all.

Good Odin, will there ever be a day when I can truly hate him? For all the rage I still have in me after all these years. I wish, most of all, I wish I could hate him.

But no. After all the battles I have fought in the name of my Gods, they are too petty to do me this kindness. They are cruel and may never let me hate him.