Worth Any Risk

Ch. 7 So Many Mistakes

*Jordan

I turn towards my secluded house hidden behind a narrow strip of forest, wind down the long drive and pull to a stop at the front. Morning mist flows onto my yard from the trees—trees which are creeping closer to my house every year. One day, they will swallow it. I shudder, the image of tree roots and limbs crushing the house while I am trapped inside, unable to run. This house has been my only home for as long as I can remember, but I haven't felt as though I was living for so many years. I was here alone when I married Trey—far too young to be either on my own or getting married. I was so foolish then. I was so lonely.

Here I am again, alone.

But I'll never leave.

This is the last place I held her, where I sang lullabies, and smelled her soft scent. Nothing matters more than bringing her home. I stumble from the car, already cursing my weakness for going to Cole's room. I can't afford weakness. I don't deserve to be loved or touched. This is Trey's game, and I have to play if I ever want to see her again.

By the time I walk through the door, my chest seizes up, airways closed off, chilled sweat erupts all over me, and heart pounding.

I fall to my knees on the living room wooden floor.

What have I done? What have I done?

I can't stop asking myself the same question. Then, the inevitable accusation from the dark corners of my mind. You have ruined your chances of ever getting her back.

I choke and sob. If anyone saw me and word gets around. If one his friends finds out, and tells him...it's over. He will never let me have her again, out of pure spite. He would have proof that I am the whoring, evil, uncaring, abusive mother he told everyone I was.

What have I done? Nothing Cole gave me, nothing could ever feel as good as holding her in my arms again, having her with me and knowing she was safe. Nothing. I wrap my arms around myself. The memory of him holding me both tears me apart and keeps me from screaming in pain.

I would do anything to have my baby back. Anything. I would fight, lie, and yes, I think I would even kill for her. But I can't bear to think that there would never be another time with Cole.

My heart breaks over and over as I remember the night with him, but imagining that someone saw. Someone heard the noise or looked through the blinds. Some sick pervert followed me from the bar, and right this moment that person was telling someone else.

The man working at the hotel saw me. He saw my car. He probably knew the room number and therefore, Cole's name. All he has to do is mention it once to the wrong person, and I'm finished.

It's a small town. A rumor will get around faster than a forest fire during a drought.

I sob into the floor, staining the wood. I tell myself it wasn't worth it, that I'm an idiot. When I can finally breathe, I crawl to the stairs across the room and pull myself up to take a shower.

I cry all through my shower, washing him off me, sending him away and down the drain. It could never be. I could never have a relationship, so why would I throw away my chances at seeing my daughter for a one-night stand?

It didn't matter that he made me feel loved—I loved her and as her mother, she should be with me. Trey might get tired of taking care of her. He might hate dragging her around in secrecy. One wrong word, one false move and the police would catch him. He might decide it isn't worth it—but not if everyone here knew I was sleeping around.

God, Cole, why did you have to come back to town?

No one else could have broken through my resolve. No one else would have that power over me. No one else has ever moved me like you did in school and seeing you here brought it all rushing back.