This is the original TLBYE that I posted, then changed to Frerard (I don't know why. So I'm gonna post this and then a CHRISTMAS FOLLOW-ON!...
I laid next to you, watching you sleep. Your face was calm, your breathing even. You looked so beautiful; you always did. You always looked so calm, happy, when you slept. Because you were at peace. You'd get embarrassed when I tell you that, tell me to stop saying you looked happier. I know you thought the opposite. You couldn't see what I saw.
I knew what you were capable of. I knew what you wanted to do. I knew that you thought you couldn't do it, couldn't make your dreams real. You thought you were right. All those insults, all that time watching people do 'better' than you, it all added up. You were stronger than that, I knew you were. But you had convinced yourself that you were just the opposite.
I remember when you would talk about your dreams. Your voice would shoot up and down. Your hands would crash through the air, emphasizing your words. But most important to me were your eyes. Those deep brown chocolate eyes. They would grow wide, and gleam with excitement.
I told you to be strong, I held your hand when it got worse. You said I made it better, when I was there. So I'm sorry, so sorry, that I wasn't. I should have been there. You said you were fine, but I had a funny feeling. Yet, I left anyway. Just for a few hours, but that was enough time.
I should have noticed the signs. I usually did, but... I felt like I needed to escape, for a minute at least. I hate myself for that, for what I did. I should have ignored my feelings and stayed with you. But I didn't, and it cost me.
I remember not receiving the text I said you should send me. I grew more and more worried as more songs played. I was so stupid. Why did I leave you? I knew you weren't 'fine', I knew.
I remember leaving the club, PJ and Chris sending me worried looks. You were just a friend who didn't send me a text, why should I have cared ?You said you had told them- obviously not. But I don't blame you, of course not.
I remember driving home- I hadn't even drank anything. I saw the lights were on, but assumed you were asleep again. It gave you peace. You did it a lot. But I went in and checked anyway.
I remember walking in, careful not to make a noise. I looked in to your bedroom, but didn't see the usual curled-up figure I expected.
I remember looking in the living room, then my room. Then, the furthest room from the light in the kitchen, the bathroom.
I remember thinking of how you spent so much time in there lately, alone. I never even asked why... Why?!
I remember pushing the slightly-open door.
I remember switching the light on.
I remember seeing your figure sat against the side of the bath, your knees curled up. Your face was down, and I could see your precious tears falling from your cheeks to the cold, tiled floor.
I remember rushing forward, not taking notice of the three bottles next to you. Let alone the paper and pen.
I remember the way you looked up at me. Your always-beautiful eyes blinking against the bright light. They were watery, and red, but still a warm, chocolate brown. As always.
I remember the way you fell forward into my waiting arms.
I remember hugging you close, whispering that it will be 'alright' and everything will be 'fine'.
I remember the feeling of dread as your hands pulled your body away from mine, scrambling slightly as you pushed yourself back against the bath again.
