A Letter to Him

Dear him,

It's been two years. Two years since you called me baby and drew circles on the back of my hand with your fingers. It's taken two years to get over you. To get over your familiar scent and deep laughter. You treated me like shit. I let you. It was destroying us.
It wasn't all your fault. It's mine too. I was weak. It was my fault for letting you be my world. Because when you, the you I loved, left; my world was set on fire and you were the only one who could save me. Not even God. I refused to let God save me. Not this time. So I buried it and kept going.

Two years without you. Two years in utter hell. I hated myself. I hated every single part of myself and so did everyone else. But I can't even say I wish I didn't go through that. It took two years for me to find my own beauty. It took two years of everyone trying to break me, for me to realize that I am indestructible.

Through the pain of you I found God. Without my faith I wouldn't be here. And not in the "He created me" sense, but in the sense that without God, I would've killed myself. In many ways I did. You meant more to me than anything I could even put into words. I loved you. My god, did I love you. I think that's why I kept you with me for so long. I convinced myself that I just loved you too much to let go. I thanked you for getting me where I was. Then one night I had a dream. Ironic because it was these types of dreams I use to call you with at 3 AM.

In my dream, I was telling myself things like:
"You don't love him anymore. "
"You can let him go now. "
"You're not hanging on because of how much you love him, but because you're scared of who you will be without him."
I woke up crying, because it's true. It's all true. I've been so scared of living without even your memory to haunt me. Because even if it hurt, at least you were still in my heart.
Then, my greatest fear was realized.
I
Was
Being
A
Coward.

I feel like I need to explain why being a coward is my biggest fear. A person can be rude, or ignorant, or evil, or hateful, but to be a coward is to be culmination of all of these things all tied together by fear. And I was being a coward for not letting you go. A coward for hanging on to your pain. A coward because I still wanted to kiss you.

The reality is, I don't even remember what color your eyes are.
I've forgotten the shape of your nose.
I can't even remember the way your lips hugged the curves of my name.

I'll always love you. No forgotten memories or attributes could change that. No horrors or realizations could alter the fact that you will always be my one. The red to my blue.

But I'll never be in love with you again.

I'm not in love with you anymore. You or the person you used to be. My heart is still begging me not to say these things, but it has always been the reckless one. I know better.

I wish I could say this to your face. Even you deserve that. But it's been two years. You could be anywhere. You could be trying to out-hunt your brothers. You could've finally left your asshole of a father like you always talked about. You could be with her...

I fully believe that you loved me the best you knew how. I fully believe the teas were real. I fully believe you were in pain too.

But I will not be a coward any longer. I need to see who I am without you. I need to see who I am without your name echoing in my ears.

My tears were real too. My pain was real. But some pain can't be told. It can only be shown in silence.

Oh man, did I love you. To the moon and back. With everything I had in me.

But I need me back.

Goodbye.
From, Her.