Heather

A toast to Exes

"You know the 'handle with care' labels aren't for China; they are for you"

He looked up at me with utter confusion which only added to my already mounting frustration.

"What are you trying to say? Are you allergic to these or something now"

"No, you idiot! what I am trying to say is that if you don't tell me what these ugly-looking utensils, clothes and you are doing in my house, I might just break your empty head with one of these" 

I say holding one of the hideous plates with his and Kate's face on it.

"So many words, Heath! You could have just asked in English, without those not-so-subtle threats"

Sigh!

What in the world did I do to deserve this? My day was great as usual, drama-free. Now coming back home to see him lying on my sofa, eating my ice cream wasn't so bad until I saw the moving boxes and those utterly disgusting vases and China displayed on my kitchen counter. My best guess, he fought with his girlfriend and she threw him out. 

Again.

The 'He' being my best friend and brother, the great Landon Austin. And as much as I love him, I am over his and Kate's weekly drama. I don't like them together. She's not good for him, but he doesn't see that. I am more pissed about the fact that by Monday he'll go back to her. This needs to stop.

"Lan, you can't stay here."

 He looks at me, probably because of how final my decision sounds. 

"What do you mean?"

I hate to do this but he needs to see that I can't bear with this, I can't see him in this toxic as fuck relationship.

"I am going to say this once so you better hear me, I am not going to let you stay here, for you to be gone by sunrise, I don't want to see you in this relationship, it's killing you. So, until you see sense and either talk it out with Kate or break it up..."

"We broke up"

I don't react, because my first reaction is a sarcastic 'yeah sure' but when I look at him, really look at him, I feel relieved, happy and then all I feel is sadness. I know this feeling too well when you let go of someone you love because staying with them was worse. Been there done that.

"She cheated on me" and right there all the sadness I felt turned into white-hot rage. That bitch! She hurt my Landon.

Motherly instinct takes over and I leap onto the sofa and hug him. It might be confusing for a third person as to who is comforting whom. But don't get confused by his buff 6"1' physique, he is a softy. And right now, this big bear is crying in my arms. I am so sorry Lan. I keep on repeating this in my head but don't say a word aloud, because he doesn't need words he just needs me to hold him.

After 30 minutes we both separate from our hug and wipe our tears.

"Why are you crying, my girlfriend cheated on me not you"

"I don't know dumbass, I am not used to seeing my best friend cry. It hurts to see you like this"

I wipe his tears away, and for a few minutes we both just sit there, thinking about the same thing; But different people.

"I know you want to ask so fire away, Heath"

"Unlike you, I don't gossip about cheating exes until after at least 3 buckets of chocolate ice cream, 10 rom-coms and 100 games of throwing darts at the worthless cheating hoes, You in?"

"I'm in if you let me smash those ugly dishes somewhere, I'll help clean up"

"Now that's my boy," I say with a victorious smile.

After hours of movie marathons, dart games, smashing only a few dishes (my neighbors got really worried) and cleaning up the mess, Lan takes out some wine.

"you are lucky that Brian is at a sleepover, alcohol isn't allowed in my house"

"I know that's why I broke up with Kate today"

"Okay spill the beans, the sooner we get over with this the better" I demand but jokingly so that he knows it's his choice to share or not. He looks away remembering it all, trying to steal himself away from the world for a moment.

"I found out last week, I knew you were worried about my relationship, and honestly for the first few months, I didn't even realize how bad it all was, the constant fighting, throwing me out of my apartment, just because I forgot laundry. But last time when she brought you and Brian into our fight, I realized that it wasn't right"

"Why us? We are family for god sake, why do these girls make Brian and me a problem all the time"

"Calm down tiger, you know they all are just jealous of how cool Brian is."

"Hey, what do ya mean? I am boring?" I ask with fake annoyance.

He just laughs and tells me about the rest of it.

"So long story short, when she targeted you and my lovely nephew, I decided she either starts treating me as an equal or we break it up, and when I get back to my apartment to talk to her, I see her banging old Phil, I was mad."

"Seriously! Your neighbor Phil? Isn't he her dad's age? That is preposterous!"

"Yes him, I ran out of the apartment, at first I didn't want to believe it, but then I remembered how it was with you when.." he stopped mid-sentence when I stiffen up.

"I didn't want to be like that, so I decided to investigate" 

This part is accompanied by a sly foxlike smile. So I know I am going to enjoy the next part very much. I look at him as if he is going to give me an early Christmas gift. But what I heard was better than the gift itself.

"According to her, I have been abusing Kate and Phil is her knight in shining armor with a good bank balance, so over the week I recorded everything in the house, our fights, and her sexcapades. Showed the video to Phil's wife. She's divorcing him, claiming most of his property, Kate threw a hissy fit when Phil asked for the money he had wired to her account for the divorce case. Well, they broke up and Phil threatened to sue her, so she gave him all the money. Finally this week instead of fighting with me she talked about marriage."

"Marriage?! She's a gold digger and you are too secretive and very low profile when it comes to your job and money in general"

"I might have slipped the fact that I received a huge inheritance from a lost relative"

"You Didn't! I'll be sure to tell Mom and Dad that they have been bumped down to lost relatives." I laughed out loud.

"Don't do that, mom will whoop my ass!" His face is a little terrified, our mom can be intimidating when she wants to be.

"Oh I am so using this as my get-out-of-jail-free card!" I am met with a pillow in my face.

'Do you want the rest of it?" He deadpans.

I control my grin and tell him to go on.

"I called her parents and you know they are orthodox Christians. They were furious and ashamed. And on their way to take her back to Texas. And I got Taylor to throw her out of my apartment."

"Good for you!"

He raises his beer to toast.

"To cheating Exes, may you burn in hell!"