The Malfoy Project

𝟑𝟗 - 𝐆𝐚𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 (*TW)

*TW: victim of abuse and manipulation

This chapter narrates the internal monologue of a character who has been physically and emotionally abused, as well as gaslighted, all of which is implied to have started from the very beginning of the relationship. Before reading on, I hope you will remember this, and that her thoughts are NOT an accurate or objective portrayal of reality.  

And if you need someone to talk to or just listen, my DMs are always open.

You are loved. You are wanted. 💜

༻❁༺

     Once the bricks seal shut behind me, I'm running. Tears cloud my vision as I stumble blindly in the darkness, already feeling the beginnings of a cry shaking its way up my chest.

     It's stunningly quiet. The only sounds in the tunnel are my footsteps as my legs chug forward mindlessly — so mindlessly that I run straight into someone. They grunt slightly at the force.

     "Ainsley. Are you alright?"

     "I'm so sorry," I say without stopping to see who it is. My only thought is to get as far away from here as possible. I keep running, towards the light at the end of the passageway, up the steps, out the door, past the Entrance Hall, and towards the furthest lavatory on the ground floor.

     The castle is empty, but not unusual for a Sunday evening. Everyone is either in the Great Hall or down at Hogsmeade for dinner. I burst through the doors before collapsing onto the floor in a mess of tears.

     My lungs push out sobs with great determination, each bigger than the last. I cry and continue crying even after the tears have long stopped, filling the empty stalls and bouncing off the tiles. I cry so hard I thought I might be having a heart attack.

     I wail for Cedric, wishing with all my might that he could be here with me. Perhaps he would have been able to tell me why Monty had hurt me, because I don't know what I have done wrong. Maybe Cedric could explain to me why I deserved that beating, and how I could learn from it and make sure not to do it again. Maybe Cedric could teach me how to make Monty happier; better — restore him to who he once was.

     Maybe Cedric could remind me that Monty is right, about everything. That I am alone, that he is the only friend I have left now and the closest thing I have to a family. Someone who would do homework with me and take me for drinks at Hogsmeade and hold me, whispering into my ears how much he needs and loves me. Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets with my waking and sleeping, that the stars dance to every word I speak and that I am everything; everything and no one else's for the taking.

     Maybe Cedric could tell me that he knows I hadn't meant to encourage him to put his name in the Goblet of Fire. I hadn't meant to lose those tapes to Rita or hurt Draco or take away his garden. I hadn't meant to bring disgrace to McGonagall and the school; I hadn't meant to hurt Hannah and my friends. I hadn't meant to get drunk and sleep over at the Malfoys and make Monty worried and angry.

     I hadn't meant to do any of those things and yet they have been done but Cedric would know I hadn't meant it and he would tell me that I still have him and that everything would be alright. 

     But Cedric isn't here, and now I have become the most hated girl in school and in turn I want to hate them all back. I hate the Weasley twins for pushing Monty into the closet. I hate Rita, and Hannah and Susan and Ernie and Hermione and Hagrid and the Malfoys.