Unique and Proud of It

1. My First Seizure

One day in December of 2011, I had my first seizure when I was getting ready for school one morning. I was ten years old; I remember walking out of my bedroom and suddenly finding myself on the floor, sitting on my legs, lying against a large bag in our upstairs hallway. My dad, who was running late for work, saw me from his bedroom doorway across the hall and, realizing what was happening, began shouting for my mom while trying to pick me up and get me into a safer position. I could never really understand what was going on the first few times I was having a seizure. All I knew was I was utterly helpless. It felt like I was somehow unconscious because I couldn't see anything, even though I was fully awake. I constantly cried and tried to get to the people I loved and knew I was safe with. I could hear their voices and feel them holding me, trying to comfort me the best they could, but the whole experience was terrifying.

In the beginning, I was diagnosed with tonic-clonic seizures. During a tonic-clonic seizure, I didn't have any control over my legs, arms, or even my neck. My neck would jerk to the right, sometimes so hard my chin would almost touch my shoulder. The worst part was not being able to speak; my jaw would lock up, and I couldn't open my mouth back up until the seizure was over. Sometimes this would scare me so much I tried to open my mouth by rubbing my face on a pillow in an attempt to relax my face muscles.

I could have them without any warning at all. Any time of day or night, fifteen to twenty in a day and more in a week. I was scared to be alone, even if I just went to my room to get something and would be coming right back. I never knew when one might happen to me. Even worse, I was still in school and was terrified of having one in class. Would I be made fun of? Bullied? Would my friends avoid me because I was "different?" I couldn't risk telling anyone about it, so I never did. I felt so alone and as if no one else ever went through problems like I was having to go through.