"What on Earth were you thinking, Remus?" Snape asked exasperated in a low tone as he moved away from his bed at the hospital wing
The potions master could be cold blooded for many things, including injuries, however, broken bones were a hard thing to look at for Severus. Remus was still unconscious from the night before and Madame Pomprey was using all her skill into fixing his smushed clavicle.
There are certain visions a person can hardly forget, and feelings so surreal that even as memories, seem more like a daydream in the mind. Sometimes is the disposition of a scene that captures the eye like a photograph and sometimes time itself bends to accommodate everything being experienced, both in real-time and when the moment is remembered.
There were simply too many of those nerve-wracking moments the night before, a catharsis so immense to all involved that maybe one lifetime could never make justice to the time it would take for a human to properly process it all. So many things at stake, way too little time to consider the outcome of every word said and every action made. Had one simple detail been different, the outcome would be unpredictable. And now, with all the dust finally settling down, all they could do was to bare, with an unsettling stillness, whatever was left of the comfortable reality they had before.
Things used to be simpler, even if just hours ago. Last night had been the night. The full moon when Lupin finally had the chance to see Sirius again, face to face. The night they so carefully planned to sneak Sirius into Hogwarts again to terminate Peter Pettigrew. And also the night things got out of hand because Lupin had forgotten to take his last Wolfsbane and Sirius was almost kissed by a Dementor. Even if Remus didn't know that part yet, as he lost his consciousness to the beast, he feard it could happen.
Snape had followed his ex-lover to the Whomping Willow, he knew there was something in the air. And for his most sorrowed delight, he was right. He hadn't seen Sirius Black in years, thirteen to be more exact. And there was something about the way he hugged Remus that made him feel like an eternity was too short never to see him again. All the guilt he had been carrying for not trusting Remus evaporated from his blood when he saw them at the Shrieking Shack, while hidden under the invisibility cloak.
For Remus, it was also not easy seeing Severus that night, knowing he was proving him right. The look he had on his dark eyes spoke an entire speech just for itself. It was clear he resented everyone telling him he was crazy for thinking this could take place. Remus would never forget the disgust on his expression when he saw Sirius. The way they still hated each other unconditionally even after all those years. But there was also something off about Snape that night. Like he was living the delusion of having a good reason to kill Sirius. Something he never thought he would have the pleasure of fulfilling.
None of that ever mattered. The Slytherin was knocked unconscious before he could do anything against Sirius and he only came to know all about how Black was innocent the next morning, after a very angry conversation with Dumbledore.
While Sirius and Lupin explained to a very confused and infuriated Harry all about the truth, and convinced Hermonie about their motives, the full moon was creeping in the corner. Harry decided his father wouldn't want his best friends to become murderers, so they would take Pettigrew back for the Dementor's kiss. But it all went terribly wrong.
The only thing minimally comforting, yet also enerving, Lupin could remember as he transformed was to see Snape coming into their direction. That happened only because he had taken all the potions in that week so far, except for the last one. He was able to watch the wolf act as Hermonie tried talking to him. Lupin lost the last bit of himself after having a glimpse of Snape positioning himself in front of the students to protect them. Horror was carved on him, but there he stood. And that was all Lupin could remember.
In the early hours of the morning, Snape and Dumbledore had to search for the recently transformed werewolf. Lupin had passed out close to a large tree, seemed to be a pattern, maybe it could give him some shelter. They both could see his clavicle was sunken on the spot. He also had many cuts and bruises all over his torso. At first, Dumbledore and Snape exchanged petrified looks when they saw dry blood on Remus' mouth. They reached him and started searching the surroundings for injured animals.
"Take samples of that blood, Severus. If he attacked anything we need to know" The older wizard stated
"I will, however... I don't think he did, sir" Snape said after covering Remus' body with his cape
"What makes you say that?" Dumbledore asked
"There is a bloody bite on his forearm, I think he bit himself close to transforming back" Severus remarked
Dumbledore bothered to hold Remus's arm at the angle of the bite. Seemed like a reasonable theory.
Now on the Hospital Wing and on the shelter of his agitated dreams, Remus knew he was done for. He knew Sirius was innocent and helped save him but he was as fucking screwed as he had ever been. Maybe that's why it was so hard to hold on to his human consciousness, there was probably not much in that reality for him anymore. Even in his sleep, there was a promise of irredeemable gloom on his awakening, a feeling of dread creeping in the corner. A fear, nonetheless, to wake up on what could be the worst day of his life.
Severus stayed by his side for that afternoon, finding it most unusual that Remus hadn't been awake for a single second. They were still upset with each other but no one knew better what to do with him, Dumbledore himself asked Snape to take a look at the recently transformed werewolf.
With the passing hours, Snape couldn't avoid feeling guilty for being so rude to him at first. Even if it meant talking to him while he was still asleep. Yes, Lupin had forgotten to take his potion in a night he knew more people would be around. And yes, he attacked three students, his ex-lover, and his fugitive friend. But still, seeing him so out of reach was no easy sight.
"Come on, Remus, come back" Snape muttered when the clock accused four in the afternoon
Severus barely had time to think about it to that moment, but he was also having a hard time. In a way, all that unfolded the previous night proved to him that he actually had something to be suspicious about. And now he knew a hard to swallow truth: Sirius was innocent. And Petter, the actual responsible for betraying Lily and James, had escaped.
The conversation Snape held with Dumbledore made him understand Black had been accused under fake charges, it was a massive set up at the Ministry. Sirius had been arrested in that hell hole for thirteen years. Unfairly. Not that Snape didn't feel secretly satisfied Black had suffered, but it was a very different situation than what he first thought.
In a way, the truth came more smoothly than Snape anticipated. Because now he faced innocent people. He felt being made fun of, especially by Dumbledore, who knew everything and just watched him act on himself. But they were all on the same side. And yet, and not for the last time in his life, Snape was the only one with something to hide on his forearm.
Severus heard a weak cry of pain coming from the bed close to him. Although Lupin would usually wake up agitated after transforming, he showed very little interest in his first look at the surroundings.
"Severus?" He asked confused. "Where am I? What... what happened?"
But now, Lupin had his eyes wide open, instantly throwing the sheets out of his sight to look at his forearm. Finally regaining his most recent memories.
There it was. The werewolf's bite he remembers delivering. Among with some scratches and a sudden sharp pain close to his neck that made him stop his motion on sitting up in bed.
Severus, observing his agitation, moved closer and gestured for him to lay down again. Never touching him, of course.
"Remus, Remus, calm down. Your clavicle is still broken" Severus informed him fast, concern naked on his voice
"Severus... Did I...?" Lupin asked in shock. " Did I bite Harry or anyone? Are you ok? Where is Sirius?" All those questions simply going through his mind, not even giving him time to think if it was a good idea to ask them
Severus would normally have a horrible gut feeling to talk about Sirius, but not today, given the circumstances. He found it to be ironic how Lupin could be laying down at the hospital with a broken bone and still asking if other people were ok. Him included.
"Firstly, and since you are awake, take this potion. Growing bones is no easy task for anyone's body" The potions master said handing him a small cup of a whitish potion. Lupin hated the taste, as anyone else would. "Remus, I won't lie to you... Dumbledore and I found you in the forest and there was blood in your mouth. Also, we found some dead wild cats and a rabbit on our way back to the castle. However, I collected the blood and I think you didn't bite anyone. I still have to take a closer look at it" Snape said carefully
"And what about all of you? Severus, I am terribly sorry. Did I hurt you?" Lupin said touching Severus' hand instinctively, guilt evident on his voice
The werewolf was anguished and honest on his questionings. For a moment, even Severus had forgotten the insanely serious fight they had, the way Remus held his hand made him overlook all trouble. For a moment there was no past, only present, and it was soothing in a familiar way.
Remus noticed Severus lingered on his touch. It was comforting to him, maybe because Lupin knew Snape was scared of him some hours ago while transformed, but also for other reasons.
There had been unspoken feelings between them. Things they bottled up on the last months due to anger, the distrust in each other, all the misunderstandings, the fact Lupin couldn't afford to have his mind read again. The fact they were, indeed, wrapped in hard feelings and hurt by each other, but this cold treatment was slowly making them miserable to the bone. Sometimes they exchanged looks and found a little inviting spark there. Lupin never stopped taking notice of how Severus would sometimes leave an extra potion for pain on his desk with the wolfsbane. There was even one that night Lupin tried to push away from his mind, where Severus gave him one of the crystals he had. He had skipped lunch and Severus noticed.
It was tough to decide if they were indeed over for good or waiting for a sign from each other. Not that it would prevent them from going out with other people, as far as they had talked -or yelled- they were over. But sometimes over can means trying to see if you can move on. If it's possible. Severus had been with Magnus a fair amount of times since they fought and the talk they had after attending Dumbledore's office. And Lupin, being the charming guy he was, didn't take so much longer to invite that young witch he had a crush on for a date. They exchanged looks every time he bought food for the owls at her store. And honestly, why not? The perks of being bisexual were always there and no rushed man could easily replace the gentleness Remus needed at the time.
However, even with all this going out and meeting some new people, they still tried to find a familiar touch none of these outsiders could provide. Severus always left the dungeon feeling satisfied but Magnus was there to offer a service. An outstanding service, but a service nonetheless. And as much as Josephine - Joe - had such a good sense of humor and conversation could easily flow for hours, she was still very much mundane. There was nothing for a shock factor, no transcendental requiems, no irreverent or rebellious side of her. A fine, very intelligent, hardworking woman she was, but Lupin soon grew politely bored of her.
Severus had been trying to keep Remus' life bearable in the way he could. He knew Remus was possibly hiding something but it was still him, the same man he thought about every night before falling asleep. The same man he missed and learned to respect more, even if from a distance. Being selfless in such circumstances was certainly something new for him. For the first time, Severus didn't want to convince Lupin to come back, to win an argument, he wanted Lupin to spontaneously feel like it. Overall, Snape wanted to deserve that proximity, not manipulating anyone into giving it to him.
Snape, who had gotten lost on the fact Lupin was asking him directly about his well-being, remembered to answer him.
"I... Wasn't sure if it was still you at first but I protected Potter and the other two as best I could. You didn't bite or scratched any of us. Sirius intervened in his animagus form to take you away from us. Can't be sure if you bit him or not. But I believe not, we would have heard it, I suppose"
Lupin was as pale as the sheets. He didn't even know what to say to explain himself.
"And what about him? Is he back to Azkaban?" Remus asked in a sad manner
Snape really hated this topic. He hated to see his insecurities taking shape. But something on the way Remus seemed to be so desolate made the Slytherin feel like going to Azkaban himself just to make him happier.
"He escaped, Remus. As far as Dumbledore cared to tell me, he will be helping Black get back to his own house. The Grimmauld Place, it's Sirius' birthright I believe" Snape replied
"You are right, it is. And it's well-hidden" Lupin agreed in an almost inaudible tone, sounding more relieved
There was a silence that followed. They hadn't spoken this much in months and the previous night had been so wild that they even believed it to be inappropriate to remain so bitter to each other.
"So I trust you know the truth now" Lupin said, looking at Snape from the bed
"I'm interested in your version of it, mine was clearly incomplete, to say the least" Snape said in a grumpy way
"I'll tell you... but, I... oh"
Severus quickly conjured a bucket for him. The potion he had just taken could do this even to a healthy stomach. However, even looking like he would be sick, holding his stomach with his hand and feeling that characteristic dread on the back of his throat, Lupin didn't vomit.
"Maybe you should rest first, Remus. You can tell me everything when you are feeling better" Severus said in a rather soft voice
"I wonder how long they will let me stay here. I should go and pack my things" Remus said in a lament
"No one is firing you, Remus. And Dumbledore would never let you leave the Hospital Wing before getting better" Snape said trying to conceal how heartbroken he was
Remus signed deeply.
"I'm quitting, Severus. I clearly cannot stay and put you all in danger, it's the second time in a year I let this happen. By now half of the school probably knows about my Lycanthropy, Dumbledore has made me too many favors. And so have you. I'll be gone as soon as I can"
Severus was mortified to listen to that last part, looking back at Remus in disbelief.
"Remus! You know all I did was because I cared. I... still do. People will know but you don't have to leave" Severus sounded almost hurt to have Lupin say it that way
Lupin also felt he wasn't making them justice, so he spoke in a softer tone.
"My decision is made. We'll get back to this conversation soon, Severus. As you can probably tell, I... Also still care. I just don't know what that means yet" Lupin said mostly referring to what Snape left implicit. "But I need more sleep now and I feel awfully sick. Thank you for bringing me back to the castle"
"Anytime, Remus. I'll leave you to it" Snape said touching Remus' hand slightly
Lupin had a hard time recovering from his broken bone. That potion was sickening from the inside out. However, the time in bed gave him time to think.
He knew things weren't so fucked up as he anticipated, apparently, no one had been bitten. But he also knew he had to leave Hogwarts, he couldn't handle the guilt of being so irresponsible for the second time in a school filled with students. Parents would come for him. Families like the Malfoys certainly would. And it would only lead to a traceable source that would make his next job a lot harder to find.
Dumbledore went to his room the next day, to have one of those "same level" types of conversation. He usually summoned them to speak in his office when he needed to be taken seriously as a Headmaster or the powerful wizard he was. When he came to visit, it was more of a humble atmosphere.
Unlike Severus, Dumbledore had a similar approach to what Remus had in mind. He made it clear he was not being fired, however, he also didn't think staying at Hogwarts would do him any good. He offered Remus the best he could. Secrecy, a smooth way out, no questions answered from anyone asking, a recommendation letter, and extra money for all the risks he had taken on his mission. He also mentioned that he had done outstandingly well on this half-spoken agreement between them and that as soon as Sirius was safe, he could have more missions to assign for him.
The werewolf accepted the terms, signing his name in the long parchment with a tremor in his hand caused by agitation, exhaustion and also, sadness. It had been a great year. A great opportunity in so many ways. But now his days at Hogwarts were over.
Dumbledore gave him as many days as needed to pack his belongings, also offering the help of two house-elves from the castle to assist him on the task. There was no need to rush, the school year was over and so were his obligations.
After a few days of saying goodbyes, Severus decided to finally talk to him in private. Lupin was going soon, and so would him. Teachers also had vacations after all.
Lupin heard the knock on his bedroom door, that sound only Severus knew how to produce, always coming from the same spot in the wood.
"Come in, Severus" Lupin said from his desk
Severus opened it slowly, soon seeing all his boxes and bags ready to be taken to the train the next morning. It made his heart sink on his chest.
"Good evening, Remus. Feeling any better?" Severus asked in a polite manner, feeling intimidated by being invited in
"Well, my clavicle is not broken anymore. But the bites, those ones still stings horribly at night" he answered referring to the werewolf and dog bites he had
There was something on Lupin that had been concerning Snape. Ever since that night, Severus couldn't spot a single moment he smiled or sounded happy. That was only normal for all he had lost in a single night he couldn't even remember, however, Lupin was uncharacteristically desolate. Almost as if he was drowning in his own sadness but didn't want to be rescued. Snape, knowing from their time together that Lupin had no one around to be with, grew more concerned with the situation. Snape hated to be so invasive, to leave implicit Lupin wasn't capable of handling his own feelings. But sometimes it's only the truth.
"I need to have a word with you, Remus" Snape stated, getting closer to sit by the other side of the desk
"I'm right here, Severus. Say all you have to say. I can tell you've been waiting" Remus said with a washed out voice, removing his arms from the top of the table to cross them close to his chest
"For a start, Remus... I must tell you I analyzed the blood". With this statement, Remus sat straight in the chair across the table, sudden insecurity taking over him. "There was only animal blood on it, no traces of magical blood. So I believe it's safe to assume you didn't bite anyone, including Black"
Lupin opened his mouth briefly and soon used his hand to cover it, a deep inhale of relief following. Severus, observing Remus turning to the side, took a moment to let the other wizard adapt to that information. Lupin was shaken, but his expression brightened up discreetly.
"Thank you for looking into that. It's the first time I don't feel like I'm holding my breath since the full moon" Remus said in a low tone
Snape would love Remus to start another topic in the conversation, the one they had been avoiding. But apparently, the werewolf was starting to get used to the silence between them, giving Snape no other choice but to continue.
"I also wanted to say that... What I said at the hospital wing... I meant it. I never stopped caring about you. And I know I've wronged you, Remus... Doesn't matter if I had my reasons to do so, I should have listened to you... And you have the right to dislike me as much as you want for the way I treated you, but I didn't want you to leave without apologizing. For everything" Snape said in a paused way
The Slytherin was experiencing adrenaline rushing through his veins. He was dying to know what Remus had to say to him. The Gryffindor took his time to assimilate his words, Severus could see his mixed feelings on his expression.
"You know, Severus, you've hurt me so much back then I thought I could never forgive you. And I get it, you didn't know the truth, neither did I to be honest. But I wanted you to know that I only started helping Sirius after our fight. Up to that moment, I haven't done anything to deserve that. Maybe that's why it hurt so much..." Lupin said feeling his lips tremble
"I didn't know that. Makes it all much worse, indeed" Snape said in a reflexive way, he never thought about that possibility. He always believed Remus had helped him since the start
Severus soon heard Lupin speak in a tone he was almost unfamiliar with. He heard it the last times they shared a bed, when Lupin was struggling and felt bad for waking him up.
"The way you locked that stupid door at me, right after the full moon" Remus continued with a pinch of anger this time. "I just couldn't remember what I could have said to make you leave me like that. That was so cruel... How could y-you?" Lupin said with a trembled voice, finally starting to cry and hating himself for it
This was so much harder than Snape had anticipated. He had to take responsibility for the pain he caused on Remus, it was only fair. But to actually see it on his watery eyes was another level of guilt.
Remus covered his face behind his long fingers and turned his head to the side. Tears falling down mercilessly for all the full moons he had spent without a care, in solitude, all the hours he desired so badly to just fix things but could not on his own.
Severus had a strong urge to get out of his chair and before he could account for anything, he had his arms around Remus. The werewolf got startled at first but accepted the embrace, where he crumbled on his already worn off emotions.
"I feel so lost, Severus. I don't know where to go" He said between sobs
"Rem, I'm so concerned about you" Snape said while holding him tightly. "I'm not comfortable at all with you not having a place to stay. You can come with me, you know my house is not much, but you're welcome to stay for as long as you need"
And he meant every word.
Lupin was conflicted and most uncomfortable about the situation, but in Severus' arms, it was all so inviting. He indeed didn't have a place to stay, he left his previous location when accepted the job. It was not a neighborhood or house to be proud of, he lived in a tumbledown cottage in Yorkshire. Wasn't even sure if the place was still there now.
"I... Don't know, Severus. What will it mean? I have no idea where you're coming from" Remus admitted, his voice still messy
This time, Snape let go of the embrace to be able to look directly at Remus.
"I want you back, Remus, I really do. But you don't have to feel the same to accept. You don't owe me anything. Also doesn't have to mean anything, I just want to make sure you will be alright. It's the very least I can do, after all the problems I caused you" Snape said while touching his shoulder
"I transformed entirely, Severus! For the second time, with a potion in my desk waiting for me, this is really not your fault" Lupin said extremely upset with himself
"You see, this is exactly why I'm inviting you to stay with me. I'm afraid... You might treat yourself unkindly. Be reasonable with yourself, Remus. You know the wolf has a consciousness of its own, it will try to trick you"
This might have been the first time in a while that Remus was reminded of how his condition manipulated him from time to time. It was always too obvious when he and Severus were starting to develop the additional potions, that being such a recurrent topic in conversation. But with their distance, and without anyone to discuss his own struggles, to Lupin it all started to become blurred again. Some types of analysis can only be done with the help of an outsider's perspective.
Lupin thought silently for a while and Snape felt his inner agitation as he touched the tip of his fingers.
"Severus... I'll go with you, but only if it's really not a problem. It will be temporary. And..." Remus said hesitantly
"Yes? It's ok, you can be honest... Please be honest" Snape said slightly panicked on the inside
"I'm not sure what I feel... about us. I'm just sure I've been missing you... Everything has been such a mess that I can't seem to find much room for anything else and-"
"Remus, you don't need to justify it... But I just want to know... if it's because of somebody else, whoever it might be. I need to know where your boundaries are. I hope I'm not asking too much" Snape said almost regretting it instantly
The Slytherin would never deny Lupin shelter, ever. Especially with him in such a vulnerable situation. However, he also needed to know what to do with himself. He needed to know if he was allowed to try.
Remus signed deeply. It made Severus' blood freeze on his veins for a while but the way Lupin spoke to him was so sincere he believed every word.
"Well, actually... No. I mean, after we broke up I went out with someone but we're more like friends now" Remus spoke in a shy way. "What about you? I also have the right to ask, I suppose"
"You're right" Severus said suddenly very shy. Remus was not talking about Sirius, this was someone else. Very unexpected. And sneaky. "I've been seeing someone occasionally. But... No feelings involved" Snape completed, his cheeks getting warmer
Remus barely recognized his own reaction. He had been so hurt and upset he didn't want to see Severus, but the idea of him being intimate with another person made him uneasy. It was not jealousy or a feeling of possession he experienced, it something else, a deep insecurity. Remus was too sure his dates and exes would only need a single kiss from a stranger to never consider him again. As if it would break the spell and remember them that dating someone didn't have to be such an intricate task. Now that Severus said he'd been with someone else, Lupin was afraid he had also been "reintroduced to normality" and would never have the same patience he once had.
This, of course, was all untrue. Severus' fetishes, although not so uncommon, were far from being considered in the realms of "normality". At the present moment, he still had healing bruises on his thighs due to an impact play that took place two weeks prior with Magnus. And he had just mentioned he wanted Lupin back.
"I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting it. I don't know where this came from, I mean... It's ok. I did the same" Lupin lied in an apologetic way, being aware his expression gave him away
"It's fine, it was awkward for me as well" Snape admitted, finally smiling a bit. Which Remus retributed. "I'll take the last train tomorrow, in the evening. I live at Spiner's End in Clokeworth, awfully packed with muggles. I usually arrive at the platform and use their Flu Network to get to my house. Is that ok with you?" Snape asked
Lupin was most grateful he changed the subject. Now with dry tears still marking his face, Lupin nodded and thanked him again.
Severus could tell Remus needed some care today, the full moon still had a strong influence on him, but he also didn't want to jump some important steps on regaining his trust. So he went for a smoother approach.
"How about we have some dinner at the Great Hall? Has been a while" Snape suggested
"Sure, I'd like that" Lupin said with a weak smile
Their faces were still close to each other, Snape still had an arm around him and Lupin didn't want to leave that comfortable place yet. They exchanged meaningful looks, the proximity between them growing slightly smaller. Lupin looked at his lips, missing when kissing them was a lot simpler. Snape looked back, not moving an inch but a familiar tenderness explicit on his look. They hugged instead, Snape smiling to himself when he felt the taller wizard low key snuggling on him. Petting a werewolf, apparently, is a pleasure that never gets old.