I'm nervous.
Alexander and I don't see much of each other during the day because we don't have the same classes. Being occupied for the whole day is good because I don't have to think and psyche myself up for tonight.
I have another short meeting after the classes about the tutoring and when I come home, I eat lunch and study. Alexander isn't at home. He texted me before that he's out and doesn't know if he'll be home when I come home.
When I organise my space on the desk to revisit, I get a text from Sam.
Sin said you're coming to the race tonight?
It's so weird to see people calling him with that name. I'm not used to hearing it that much anymore since he's not racing anymore and people aren't shouting it at him. Even though I have this name tattooed on me, he was never Sin for me.
I am, I reply back.
I bite down on my bottom lip because Sam reminded me of this again. And now I'm nervous again.
I groan to myself. Seriously. Stop being such a coward.
Cool! Can't wait to see you comes her response and I smile because there's at least something I'm looking forward to.
˙˙˙
Alexander comes home when I'm about halfway done with revision. I'm slow today because I'm too distracted. I'm very restless.
Alexander peeks inside the bedroom, seeing me at the desk. "Hi. You're very quiet."
"I'm studying," I say simply.
"Hmm," he says and then walks to where I'm sitting, leaning down and giving me a kiss. He places his hand on the backrest and the other one on the desk so he has me completely caged in while his eyes roam over my face.
"What?" I ask with a smile, scared that I'm not hiding my uneasiness very well. But I don't have to hide anything from him. He knows. Of course he knows. He knows me better than I know myself.
"Are you excited? For tonight?"
"I'm very excited to see Sam," I say carefully, avoiding the real question he's asking.
His lips pull up at the corners. "Only to see Sam?"
I shrug. "Babe," he says, shaking his head.
"What?" I ask. "I haven't seen her in a long time!"
"You haven't seen me race in a long time, either."
My face falls because he makes me remember the last time I did see him race. His face falls, too. "Gabrielle," he says softly.
I inhale deeply, moving my eyes away from his face. "Yes. It's been a long time," I say. My hands are shaking.
"Hey," he says softly, moving a few strands of hair away from my face so he can see me better. He watches me so long I have no choice but to look at him. "It's all going to be okay," he reassures me. "I'm always careful." His voice is quiet and soft.
I nod sharply. "Yeah," I say. I know he is. I know I'm unreasonable but I'm so scared of losing him, I literally feel the gripping pain in my chest if I just think about it.
He puts his hand on my cheek. "You don't have to come if you don't want to, Gabrielle."
I shake my head. "No, I want to. I really do. I'm both excited and scared," I tell him truthfully. I'm excited to see him do what he loves to do. That's his passion. I can't just take that away from him.
"I'm going to make it good," he says with double meaning and I just feel myself getting red. He grins that wicked grin of his which tells me he does these things on purpose. He straightens up. "I bought ice cream."
I sit up straighter in my chair. "Ben and Jerry? Cookie?" Alexander nods his head.
I put my hand over my heart. "Un homme selon mon cœur," I sigh. A man after my heart.
Alexander's eyes get a little dreamy – like every time I say something in French. "A man after my heart," I translate before he even gets a chance to ask me to. His lips pull up at the corners.
"One day, I'll make you talk dirty to me in French, Gabrielle Perth."
I stand up and stretch. "What's the point in that? You wouldn't understand a word."
"You could teach me,"
I give him a secretive smile. "Trés bien, monsieur Alexander." I wink.
He grins. "I understand that."
"Good. Give me my ice cream now."
˙˙˙
I almost forgot about the weirdness of this place where I'm dressed in jeans, sweater and a jacket and there are girls wearing mini skirts, crop tops and jackets that are more for fashion than anything else. The first thing I do when we get to Islington, I find Sam and let Alexander go greet his friends.
Sam is holding a beer in one hand and hugs me with the other. "My absolute favourite person!" she exclaims happily. She's with a group of friends I don't know, but they already look drunk or high or whatever and that makes me a little uncomfortable.
I notice there's no Snake in this group and I don't want to ask her about him again. I don't know what's going on between them, but they've been having some troubles. Sam doesn't look like she's too sad about it, though.
I see the joint getting passed around the group and I step back, wrapping my arms around myself as a clear leave me alone. Sam gladly takes it and she skips me without a word, winking at me.
"That Sin's girl?" someone suddenly asks. A man with dark hair that comes down to his shoulders. He's looking at me with interest.
"The very one," Sam says like a proud mother. I give a weak smile while the guy continues looking at me. I notice everyone else taking notice of me as well.
I get it. People aren't used to Alexander having a girlfriend. After we got together, we stopped coming here because right after we started dating, he had an accident and everything went downhill from there. It's nothing unusual that people don't know me, but they know Alexander. Or, at least they know of him.
"I would advise you to stop looking if you don't want to get beaten up," Sam says seriously, obviously noticing my discomfort.
They all look away, shifting uncomfortably. I give Sam a grateful smile. I look around myself, taking it all in. It's a nostalgic feeling, being here after so much time. So many good and bad things have happened here and I can't say I'm fond of this place, but I can't say I hate it, either. I just tolerate it because of Alexander and Sam.
"There are a lot of people here tonight," I say, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. I see Alexander fist bumping with some guys in the distance and he's smiling so big that I can see it from here.
"Yeah, lots of people heard Sin is racing tonight. He's the king of the racing. People just love him."
I can see that. I nod to myself, rolling my lips into my mouth. I'm proud of him because it feels like he's a living legend amongst these people. At least that's how everyone's acting.
"Listen, no one even comes up to Sin's knees. He's a freaking legend," one of the guys in our circle says, fist bumping the guy next to him who, apparently, agrees with him. And they both confirm my speculations.
I just smile at them. I know he's good. And seeing people thinking so highly of him makes me so happy and proud because he deserves it. And if this is what he wants to do, he'll get all of my support, as well.
"Come on, she's already in love with the guy. She doesn't need to hear how great he is. She knows."
I grin. Hell yeah do I know how great he is.
"And what would Sin's girl like to drink?"
"She has a name, dickhead," Sam snaps.
"Well, shit, sorry." The guy rolls his eyes.
"It's okay," I say quickly. "I don't drink."
"At all? Or just tonight?" someone else asks.
"At all," I say.
"Huh."
Yes. I get that reaction a lot. Alexander and I are very different and it's obvious. That has never really bothered me. But it obviously bothers other people. Or it's just weird to them. And I got used to that. It's okay. Alexander helped me understand that what other people think is completely irrelevant because they know nothing. They just see things on the outside.
I feel an arm wrapping around my shoulders and I freeze up until I see the tattoos peeking from under the sleeve. All the guys around the group go quiet. They look like their favourite celebrity is standing in front of them.
I lean against him, smelling the cigarettes on him. My nose scrunches up and I turn my head away. I truly can't stand the cigarette smoke. "What's up?" he says to Sam.
She just shrugs and drains the whole cup. I look at her with interest, suspecting that something is ... off about her tonight. "The race will start soon. I just came to get a kiss for good luck," he says against my ear, quietly so no one hears him.
I see everyone is looking at us with interest. As if they're watching exotic animals in a zoo.
My muscles tighten, but I don't want to show Alexander how nervous I am. I turn around in his arms and I kiss him on the lips. I feel all of the people watching us, so I keep it light and easy. I straighten the lapel of his jacket and put my hand on his chest, right over his heart. Right where his tattoo with my nickname is. "Stay safe," I say to his chest.
He kisses my forehead. "Always," he promises.
˙˙˙
Sam is on a good way to being really drunk. She's drinking ... whatever she's drinking like water. The race started and the cheering of people set the kind of mood you can just feel in the air. The anticipation. The celebration. It's all there.
People are singing, chanting, shouting nonsense ... just having a good time. When I was coming here with Sam when I came to London, I didn't like this place. I just kept looking at everything I disliked to make me hate it even more. But now I look at it with different eyes. It's not that bad. People come here to have fun in their own way. And I know I'm safe here, not only because I'm with Sam, but because everyone here knows I'm dating the Alexander Holt and they're all very much scared of him.
I see Snake for the first time now. He's across from us and he's with another girl. I turn to Sam who's looking at him and drinking the alcoholic drink like she's thirsty. "So, you and Snake ... what is going on?"
"We're over," she says, looking away from him. She pretends like I didn't just catch her looking at him. Something in her tone makes me think that she's not speaking the truth and there's more to this, but I don't want to push it.
"I'm sorry," I say, even though that's the most useless thing to say to someone because it doesn't change anything.
Sam just shrugs. "His fucking choice," she says, taking another sip.
I give her a sad smile. That's the end of the conversation about this topic.
"I don't know why people are so excited about these things. It gets boring with time because Sin always wins."
Of course he does, I think. He's the best. And when he wins, people still go crazy. I'm smiling big because it's hard to stay serious. Everyone around me is cheering and when Alexander comes to the finish line, people immediately surround him. They love him. And he loves it.
I stay behind so I don't get hurt in the crowd and I watch the half-naked girls surrounding his motorcycle, trying to bite my jealousy down. Alexander doesn't care about them. He's just enjoying his victory. This is the first time in a long time people see him here again. It's been a long time for him and I just let him have his moment.
He searches me out in the sea of people and he gives me a gentle look, keeping a smile on his face. He points his head into my direction as if he's trying to ask me why I'm all the way here when he's all the way there.
I walk to him and his smile gets even bigger – if that's possible. My heart skips a few beats when I stop in front of him. When I'm close enough for him to reach me, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me to his chest, turning us around and lifting me up onto his motorcycle. Before I can even process what's happening, he's kissing me, hard and possessive.
I lean back and he leans over me, his hand gripping my thigh. I hear whistles around us and I smile against his mouth.
He gets closer to me, his lips moving from my mouth just to whisper, "Oh, the things I am going to do to you when we get home ..." before he moves them back on my mouth, kissing me yet again. I feel my cheeks getting hot and I know this is absolutely not a place where I should be getting turned on.
"Yeah, Sin! Fuck her!" someone shouts and Alexander immediately stops kissing me and leans backwards, looking over my head.
"How about you fuck off?" he shouts back.
I have to hide my flaming hot face into his chest. I'm grinning like a fool.