~~In Your Head~~
Xavier was in a good mood.
This was a weird occurrence in itself, without all the stress he was under anyway, but when he called his mom this morning. She seemed to be in higher spirits after her second doctor's appointment whilst they discussed different treatment options. They weren't many, and they seemed to be damaging to other aspects of quality of life. Chemotherapy being at the top of said list. Yazmine tried to make light of it, by joking about not wanting to lose her hair, but Xavier could see it was hitting her hard. He knew she wasn't sleeping either. Some nights when he would sleep over at his mother's, and he'd crash on her couch, he'd watch her quietly as she got up to pour herself a drink, not noticing that he was still awake.
She seemed a lot different to the side of her she showed in the day, the optimistic and usually lighthearted joking predisposition compared to this, sullen exhaustion, and sense of hopelessness she couldn't shake. And grief. Xavier realized that she was holding up that front for him, and it only made him feel worse. Even as she was sick, she was still responsible for him, even though all he wanted was to switch roles, take care of her for once, as she had done for him alone since he was born.
He confided in Aaliyah about it, having no one else to talk to about it. She was the only one who knew about his mom, and if he was being honest the only one he thought he could be completely honest with, for no other reason than the fact that she was her.
"You're asking for your mom to stop being your mom, Xavier," Aaliyah had said in a soft voice, smiling at him the way she always smiled when she found something amusing, "You can't switch off maternal instincts, no matter how much you want her too. And a mother always wants to be strong for their kids, because if they're not happy, then neither are their kids and all a mother wants is for their kids to be happy. I kind of admire that about Yazmine. I think all you can do is make sure that you're there for her in all the ways that count."
He did find himself wondering how Aaliyah always knew just what to say. And how she seemed to be so smart. He remembered his mom telling her that he was always interested in girls smarter than he was. Xavier wasn't sure how she came to that conclusion, his track record of girls he went out with or fucked with didn't have an above-average intellect.
But when he thought about it sometimes, he did feel more drawn to girls, who seemed to be more connected to the world, worldly, and intelligent, though he never pursued those girls, always feeling like they wouldn't be interested in someone portrayed as the bad prince of rap, known for some of the most outrageous events in social media history. Punching two cops in the face in twenty-sixteen, having his nudes leaked by an ex in twenty-seventeen, and a little performance mishap that happened last year when he punched an overly-excited fan before dashing off the stage mid-concert. He was arrested, but not charged for that incident, but it was the beginning of his year-long hiatus from the limelight.
Aaliyah didn't seem to care though. Or know. She knew his track record wasn't spotless, but she still seemed to want to be around him. Sometimes texting him in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. Sometimes hanging out at his apartment for hours on end before she took a cab home. She also made sure to ask for his mom all the time too, which he appreciated. Keeping it to himself, was a lot harder than he thought it would be. Especially when he felt like he was ready to scream. Over the last two weeks, Aaliyah had gone along with Xavier to visit Yazmine a few times too, and the both of them would laugh together in the kitchen cooking, teasing a defenseless Xavier relentlessly.
Aaliyah was easily his favorite person. But he wouldn't ever admit that to her.
The only thing that actually annoyed him about her, was her tendency to minimize her own issues. She narrowly avoided most conversation about Jacks, claiming she was fine and that it wasn't anything serious anyway. She'd pretend like the social mill continuing to go on about the mess that was her album release party wasn't getting to her, or the fact that her father was somewhere in Atlanta living a life without her wasn't that deep to her at all.
Well at least until a few days ago. She admitted being nervous about meeting the attorney that had handled her private adoption only a few weeks after being born. She finally managed to get in contact with him and arranged a meeting at Central Park later today. Xavier thought he could understand. Finding out the reasons as to why you were abandoned by the people who were supposed to love you could be no easy feat, especially knowing that she had suffered. Xavier offered to come with her. At first, Aaliyah was resistant, not wanting to make him feel obligated, but he shut it down quickly.
"Xavier, you already have so much going on, I don't want you to feel like you have to—"
Xavier took her by the shoulders, looking at her evenly on his sofa as Real Housewives of Atlanta played as background noise. "I want to, Lia," He told her softly, making sure he held her light-eyed stare. Her eyes were mesmerizing, he remembered thinking, an ever-changing shade of dark amber and green and a mix between the two, "You've been there for me in ways you don't even know. It's only fair that I turn up for you when you need it."
She flushed taking her gaze away. "I'm only doing what a decent person would do," She said in a cool voice, but Xavier knew better than to take what she projected at face value, she could see the tension in the set of her jaw, and her anxiety reeking from her pores. She was scared, and Xavier knew that if she wasn't alone, things would be better. He wanted her to know that she wasn't alone, this would be the best way to do that, "You don't owe me for that."
"I don't think most of the people I know could do what you've done for me," He said, a smile twitching along the corner of her mouth, "I mean if the red velvet Oreo cookies you made are any indication. I at least owe you for those."
Aaliyah cracked a smile, and it was his favorite. The coy, half-smile she had that made her almond doe eyes squint a little, and her cheeks rise. She was like half-Angel and half-Devil taunting him with darkness wrapped in sweet packaging. The type that made lyrics stir in his mind. "I suppose you do."
He was at the drugstore now. Kind of a little paranoid, the whole walk over he felt like he was being watched. That should be a normal feeling he supposed, he hadn't gone down the street randomly in years without someone looking at him in shock and starstruck. But this was different, every time he looked around there was no one there. He'd only felt like this when trouble was not so far behind, trouble in the form of his brothers, but he hadn't seen them in over a year, and between the three bouquets of black roses he'd received and the strange calls, this was getting a little creepy. But he decided to ignore the feeling for now. This had been going on for months now, he doubted the police would be much help, and his personal stalker wouldn't strike so quickly.
His mom had asked him to pick up painkillers for her when he called her that morning. So of course he was out of the house no less than an hour later before he met Aaliyah at Central Park to meet the attorney. He should offer to take her over to The Garden afterward, if not out of sheer decency, then just to be able to allow her to talk about how she felt especially if her meeting went south. She needed to be clear-headed for tonight. Tonight was huge for her career and more or less set the tone for the rest of her life.
"Xavier?" Xavier jumped dropping a pack of aspirin before turning towards the voice he recognized and surprisingly found Madison standing innocently a few feet from him, her red locks pulled up into a ponytail, her brown eyes brighter, and exposing her milky neck and rather daring neckline. He cocked a brow at her, wondering what she was doing here and why she was talking to him, "Fancy seeing you here?" She cooed, an amused smile creeping up along the length of her full bright red mouth.
Xavier peered at her, trying to see what he was missing. Madison wasn't as discreet as she thought she was. If she was the one watching him, he would definitely know. But he couldn't even remember the last time he and Madison even spoke, probably around Christmas, the day of Aaliyah's showcase, before she fucked over their track. She had a tendency to tease when they talked, and maybe a few years ago it would have lulled him, but now it was a little short of annoying.
"You're not going to say anything," She asked, her voice velvety as she adjusted her oversize cardigan so that it slipped off her shoulder, as she raised them, her collarbones poking out from her skin. He always had a thing for collarbones, he thought, he loved Aaliyah's, didn't know why, he always felt like running a finger over them, "Xavier?"
"Don't you have a concert to prepare for tonight?" Xavier asked crouching down to pick up the packet he had dropped flipping it over to read over the back distractedly.
"Yes actually," She said in a cool voice stepping towards him. Xavier started to feel more agitated the closer she got, not looking at her, "But so does, Aaliyah. And she's late. I'm only here to pick up some stuff."
"You didn't know?" He asked with a cocked brow looking at her dubiously, "She's going to be late. Had some stuff to do."
"As per usual," She drawled in a soft voice, casting Xavier a side glance and a smirk when he tightened his jaw in annoyance. He hated it when he saw someone talking shit about Aaliyah, especially people he already disliked, "Anyway, you two seem to be getting close."
Xavier snorted, rolling his eyes. "Why is this any of your business Madison?" He demanded in a dry voice, "What does my relationship with Lia have to do with you?"
"Ooo, so it's a relationship?" She replied mockingly, her eyes shining with mirth, taking the packet out of his hands flipping it over in her hands constantly. Xavier could feel her grating on his nerves with every word that fell off her poisonous tongue, "Fascinating."
Xavier snatched the box out of her hands turning to her with a glare, almost leering over her petite height. "Do you want something, Madison?"
Madison looked up to him with a toying grin and cocked her head to the side. "I'm just curious," She said in a breezy tone, "About how long it'll take for you to fuck up with poor Lia's feelings. I'm deciding on whether I should be placing my bets."
Xavier blinked at her dumbfounded. Usually, Blair was the one throwing outrageous comments and accusations around. In his opinion, he thought Blair wore that attitude better, it was more endearing for her eccentric concepts and thought pattern compared to her cousin's more dainty and tidy and composed predisposition, with a little bit of sexual flare. Outrage wasn't Madison's style, and Xavier didn't like it. He didn't like her.
"You're crazy," He said grabbing a second box of aspirin walking away from her heading to the cashier counter.
Madison laughed floated in his ears, scraping off his anxiety. "Am I?" She asked, "You've broken every girl you've laid eyes on, why is Aaliyah any different?"
Xavier stopped in the aisle. Not sure of what to make of what she said. He cursed under his breath when he heard Madison's soft footsteps creeping up behind him before standing in front of him again. "You're damaged, Xavier, irrevocably so," She said in a soft voice, "You never worried that you might break Aaliyah's heart too? She's not nearly as strong as she makes you think."
Xavier grimaced. "You know, I think you're just bored. And a little bitter. I don't think you're in any position to tell me about myself."
"Why not?" Madison replied, smiling widely like she had just sunk her claws into her nails, "I feel like I'm in exactly the right position to tell you about yourself, being one of your victims of course."
"Victims?" He reiterated in an incredulous voice, "Madison, we weren't even together. We slept together like once—"
"Three times," Madison corrected, fake yawning before looking back to him with an amused, "And there's no reason to get angry. I'm really saying this for your benefit. I know you care about Aaliyah, for some reason everyone seems to be obsessed with her. I'm just warning you about your own destructive habits when it comes to commitment. Never been your style, remember?" She added raising her brows as though quoting him.
"You think you know anything about me," He hissed in a freezing tone, narrowing his eyes on her, "You think that because you've seen me naked a few times you know me. But you never did. And I never cared about you."
"But you care about Aaliyah," She said. He was getting tired of hearing her name from her. It was annoying. He ought to be heading over to Central Park, "And maybe this is your first time caring about anyone in that way for real. Maybe the way you feel about her would be able to overcome all your bullshit habits that eventually lead to dirtying up the otherwise innocent girls you tend to pray on."
"You calling yourself innocent is laughable," He snorted rolling his eyes, "Didn't you sleep with Max before we hooked up? Max, who was Blair's, your cousin's, boyfriend."
"I was doing her a favor. You think I was the only one he cheated on her with, he was whoring around with other girls before me. I slept with Blair so that she would break up with him. Clearly didn't work though," She replied, rolling her eyes. Xavier cocked a brow, this was definitely new information to him, "And that certainly says a lot about you. Sleeping with the bitch that hurt your friend. That's messy."
Xavier gritted his teeth. "Your point?"
Madison laughed. "You have to ask?" She demanded in an amused voice, "You're toxic, Xavier. Old habits die hard, and you have many. Eventually, somehow, you will hurt Aaliyah. And it'll suck more because you actually had yourself fooled that this time would be different. But the truth is, and I'm telling you this because you probably won't listen to this, but you'll remember when it happens, that people don't change. Least of all damaged people like you."
Her words pierced him a lot more than he wished they would. Maybe because regardless of how he felt, it aligned pretty much with his belief system, and rang true to some degree in his ears. His dating past was definitely far from perfect, and he was completely aware of a lot of the mess he's made and left behind. Just one check on a search engine will say so. And now all he thought was if he ever hurt Aaliyah the same way he hurt other girls, he'd never forgive himself. Selfish or not, he didn't want to give him another reason to hate himself.
Dislike wasn't the word he wanted to use for Madison anymore. Blatant loathing was a much fitting word for her. "Fuck you Madison." He sneered in a cold voice.
Madison smiled, and it was a cruel smile. that sent a chill down her veins. "Then what I said sunk in," She said raising her chin up at him mockingly, before turning on her heel and flouncing out of the drugstore like she had accomplished something. Xavier thought that it was to mess with his head on the day he needed to show up for Aaliyah. He was pretty sure she succeeded too.
Aaliyah was starting to get worried.
Xavier was supposed to meet her at the entrance of the park thirty minutes ago. She had to head into the park after the fifteen-minute mark so that she wouldn't be late meeting the attorney in the most secluded part of the park, covered by huge trees with drooping branches and emerald green leaves. Aaliyah had found this place with Jacks on one of their many dates a few months ago, the only sign that it wasn't completely abandoned was an old bench under the trees that Aaliyah and Jacks would sit on and talk for hours and make out for almost just as long.
It was the only place Aaliyah could think of that no one would be able to spot her with the attorney. And in her last email to Brendan Mare, her adoption attorney, she tried to detail the place to him, and she couldn't help but feel that she was betraying Jacks. This had been their place for months, it was their secret, and now she was sharing it with two other men. She couldn't help but feel it was wrong somehow.
After finally managing to get a hold of the private attorney, after making several calls to his old law firm trying to track down his email address or any form of contact really. She emailed him letting him know who she was and that she wanted more information on her adoption and her biological parents.
Brendan replied not up to a whole day later asking for proof of identity and Aaliyah surprised that this was the case found herself wondering how dramatic was everything surrounding her adoption that she needed to provide evidence that she was who she said she was. She supposed that her foster parents making her a passport was very useful at this point in time. They then began to arrange a day to meet, and here she was now.
Xavier said that he would be here for her when she met the attorney, but over thirty minutes passed and she was still waiting on him. She kept looking around, shaking her leg anxiously looking for any sign of him. She had shot at least six messages to him, and called him repeatedly, leaving a few voicemails too. She knew she shouldn't have been so panicked, she had been okay with doing this alone before Xavier offered, but she hadn't realized how much the idea of learning about her parents daunted her.
She was starting to rely on the fact that Xavier would be with her so it couldn't be that bad no matter what happened. And maybe that wasn't entirely healthy thinking, but it was her only lifeline, her mind was a dark place when she let it, and she couldn't find herself believing that anything she'd learned about her parents, her father in particular wouldn't drive her to that place. He was married, probably living happily in a nice house with his daughter and his wife completely oblivious of his other daughter who barely had three meals a day confined to an attic infested with spiders she was terrified of.
Xavier protected her from that. From that darkness. He distracted her to start with. He gave her more reason to stop dwelling on her own problems, by helping him and being there for him whilst having to deal with his mother's illness. She didn't have to think as much. She could instead busy herself by helping Yazmine with some of her grocery shopping whilst she was at the hospital for checkups, or cooking food with her and watching movies and talking about literally anything. And she could be there for Xavier when he was worried about his mom. It was a little selfish, but Aaliyah genuinely wanted to be there for Xavier and Yazmine regardless, it just helped her from having to deal with her own life when she wasn't working.
But now he wasn't here. And he promised. She didn't know what to think of it. Maybe he had something important, he mentioned that his mom was taking her lack of options for treatment a little hard. Maybe he needed to be with her. But wouldn't he tell her?
"Aaliyah Carmichael?"
The voice was as unfamiliar to her as her name, and she froze, tension running through her body as she built the nerve to lift her head to meet the gaze of the older man in the sweater, jeans, and tennis shoes, and a messenger bag slung over his shoulder, greyed hair and dark eyes. He seemed a little stunned as though unsure of what to make of what he was seeing.
Aaliyah was speechless unable to get a word out and she found herself flustered and embarrassed. This person wasn't anything to her. He was merely the man that handled her adoption. She hadn't spent years wondering what it would be like meeting him, she shouldn't be so stricken.
She quickly got up to her feet that stepping towards him with her chin raised and her shoulders rolled back as she stuck her hand out for him to shake. "I go by Garcia these days," She corrected with a soft smile, "But yes. I'm her."
Brendan nodded as he took her hand shaking it firmly. "Ah yes," He said, in understanding, "Your mother's maiden name as I recall. I suppose it'd be a smart idea to go by that name if you were trying not to be found by your biological parents. I am confused as to why you wish to seek out your father now."
Aaliyah sighed running a hand through her hair. "When I learned that it was possible that my father could be alive, I didn't want him to know anything, so I took my mother's name instead. But things have changed since then."
Brendan nodded before gesturing to the bench and then they took their seat. Aaliyah took a deep breath of the cool almost summery air after the short silence building up the nerve to start and turned on the bench to face him properly. "Was there anything else you recall?" She asked in a fast voice, her cheeks flushing. She thanked God for her coloring, it would be pretty awful otherwise, "About my parents, I mean."
Brendan seemed to be a little taken aback by her forwardness, but Aaliyah couldn't help it. Answers to her past were a little out of her grasp, and maybe a few months ago resentment towards people who had so easily handed her away to such monsters, had kept her from wanting to seek those answers out, but now she was here. And she couldn't help but find herself desperate for them. At least a reason as to why she was abandoned. At least that might be closure.
Brendan sighed after a long moment looking straight ahead. "I only met your biological parents a handful of times," He started, "The whole situation was a bit of a mess, and I was only entitled to little information. On a need-to-know basis, by the time I was called to handle your adoption, you were already in the Victors' care. Your mother had been in the hospital sick at the time, a lounge singer in clubs across the West Coast managed by your father, though he had been a gambler, very addicted too. As far as I could tell though, your parents were very much in love and weren't at all happy to let you go."
Aaliyah swallowed, her eyes burning. There it was. A primary source of information surrounding the time that she was born into. She knew enough that her mother was a lounge singer and that her father managed her, but she didn't know her father was a gambler, didn't know that her mother was sick. She wasn't sure that she was loved. Was that why she was taken away? "How did the Victors get involved?"
Brendan shifted uncomfortably in his seat staring out of the clearing made under the trees, not making eye contact. Aaliyah's gaze burned into his side. "They claimed to be family. That Quincy Victors and Aaron Carmichael were half brothers. Shared the same mother, and that for your safety they would take you in whilst Aaron got clean and able enough to look after you whilst your mother was sick. They provided birth certificates to prove it. And Aaron confirmed it too."
Aaliyah felt her breath being stolen, unsure of what to make of anything. If Quincy and Aaron shared the same mother, it makes sense as to why they had different last names. But that doesn't explain why they lied about both of her parents being dead. It doesn't explain why her father wasn't present in her life— "But some things didn't seem to make any sense. The wife, Danica, didn't seem happy with your adoption, when I asked about it, she just said that sacrifice was necessary. There were also large sums of money being transferred to Aaron's account that had to be handled by me discreetly. I was told it was to help get back onto his feet once out of rehab, but no man as bad as Quincy described him should be given half a million dollars over the course of a year before getting clean."
"My step-mother once commented that I came from a bloodline of liars," She said in a low voice, looking away and letting her eyes scan the dry patch of grass beneath her feet. Aaliyah had already slightly come to the conclusion that somehow blackmail was involved, but now learning that Quincy and Aaron might actually have been brothers she now found it questionable. But now she was hearing the same conclusion from Brendan. She could feel her heart hollow out in stress and worry as she slowly started to realize how crazy everything seemed.
Brendan sighed, leaning back in his seat. "I cannot tell you too much about your biological parents, I only knew a few things," He started in a kind voice, "but from what I know about your father, he seemed like a genuine man. A little misguided, but he loved his wife. And you. He was sad to let you go."
Aaliyah winced, screwing her eyes shut tight. "Is there anything else?" She asked in a soft voice.
Brendan shook his head and started to pull open his bag. "At the time of your adoption, I was instructed to give you this envelope if you ever came looking for answers. Your father had given it to me, and he had wished for you to try and get into contact with him later. Everything you probably want to know would be in there, according to him."
He slid a huge manila envelope out of the bag, and Aaliyah found herself staring at the envelope with wide eyes. Her chest starting to ache like a hole growing in her chest, as he handed it over to her. She swallowed before slowly reaching out to take the crisp old envelope, flipping it over in her hand.
The backs of her eyes burned with tears as she stared at it. These were all the answers she ever wanted in one old envelope, and it was in her hands. Literally. She was terrified. Her mother was sick. Her father was a gambler and the makings of blackmail seemed to be unraveling. What possibly could her foster parents being up to? And how was her life up for bargaining?
Aaliyah closed her eyes tightly straightening up and forcing back her tears before she pulled a smile at Brendan looking at her closely as though worried that she would break down. She needed to get to The Garden in a few hours for hair and makeup. How was she going to be able to perform in front of hundreds of thousands of people like this? "Um, thank you, Mr. Mare," She said, and then she stood up to her feet, taking her bag off the ground, and started to shove the envelope into her bag. She didn't think she had the nerve to look at it yet. "This means a lot."
Brendan nodded standing up to look down at her. "It's my job," He said in a gruff voice, "If you need anything else from me, you know how to get into contact." He said, and Aaliyah nodded with a brief smile before he ducked away, leaving Aaliyah alone to stare at the envelope and the entirety of her past in her hands.
She really wished Xavier was with her right now.
"Hey Delgato," Aaliyah greeted trying for a half-hearted smile after the half-suckish day she had.
Ricardo Delgato turned from his stove from behind the counter showing off his huge belly and grease-stained apron and pulled that familiar wide grin at her that reminded Aaliyah of Mr. Gonzalez, who was a constant outpouring of love to Aaliyah.
"There's my favorite superstar!" He exclaimed cheerfully.
Aaliyah's smile grew more genuine as she leaned against the counter basking in his ever-warm presence. She might have been stood up by Xavier, but Delgato could remedy that with just one of his laughs filled with depth and experience. "I'm hardly a superstar, Delgato," She said in a soft voice. Delgato frowned at her, dark thick brows creasing between his eyes weighing heavily on his lids, as though detecting her sour mood, when the bell at the door rung and he lifted his concerned gaze from Aaliyah to the door, and then his frown was replaced by yet another grin.
"Two of my favorite customers," He said, "Must be my lucky day," he continued happily, and Aaliyah looked up to meet his gaze with a raised brow before turning over her shoulder to see him.
Her breath was punched out of her lungs by the sight of him. She hadn't seen him in two weeks, not since the night outside his apartment. He looked different now, he had cut his hair differently, it was lower, and styled into a fade, making him seem older, his jaw was sharper, cheekbones, which seemed to be fine now, except for a little greyish scar remaining, were a little less round and drew more attention to the brightness of his eyes. She was reminded with a hard slap of just how attractive Jacks actually was, and just how much she had missed him these last two weeks. He met her gaze evenly, though she knew that he was thinking the same thing.
He quickly looked away, smiling back at Delgato. "I'm here at least twice a day Del, I wouldn't call it luck so much as inevitable," He said in a breezy tone, leaning against the counter like her by her side, "I'll have the usual."
Delgato nodded. "Two California burritos, extra cheese, extra sour cream, but no guac, with a side of french fries and your jumbo lemonade," He said, his Spanish accent more pronounced as he recited Jacks' usual order. He looked to Aaliyah with a questioning brow, "And you, superstar, you want your Hapa burrito with kimchi and Korean BBQ, extra meat, and sweet chili with your cola."
Aaliyah's smile was grim, trying to seem normal with Jacks' presence for Delgato's sake. "You read my mind."
Delgato let out a laugh, that Aaliyah smiled at. Jacks cast her a side glance before looking to him with a charming smile. "Could you make those eat in?"
"Of course," He said and then he turned around to get to work. Aaliyah looked to Jacks with a cocked brow, dubious about his intentions. The last time they spoke hadn't ended on such good terms, and she wasn't sure if he was planning to come for her again. She wasn't sure she had the energy for it. Gripping her bag strap tighter, her mind going back to the huge unopened manila envelope inside.
"What do you want to talk about?" She asked after an annoying silence passed between them, the only noise being the deep frying of Jacks' fries and Aaliyah's BBQ.
Jacks hadn't said anything for a moment, and she wondered if she would, before he took a deep breath continuing. "I was about to call an Uber to get to the warehouse when I saw you. You seemed upset. So I decided to check on you."
"You care?"
Jacks shook his head, his smile matching Delgato's. "We may not be together anymore, Aaliyah, but I still care about you," He said, "I don't think I could stop if I wanted to."
Aaliyah looked at him, a little softer now, taking her hair out of her face. "You don't want to?" She cringed at how vulnerable she sounded, but she supposed it was going to happen, considering the day she'd had. Maybe she just needed to confide in someone she trusted. And she trusted Jacks more than most people. Maybe that's what she needed to feel better. She needed to be better, for later tonight especially.
Jacks looked good with a soft smile that reminded her of the Jacks she loved as a friend. "What's wrong, Aaliyah?"
It took a lot of coaxing on Jacks' part and plying her with his extra fries he got from Delgato, he even paid for her burrito, but still, she wasn't sure. "Do you even want to hear it?" She asked, her voice low and tentative. She didn't know how he felt about the whole mess between them, and saddling him with her bullshit with Xavier might not help, "You might not be comfortable with the answer."
Jacks shifted in his seat, and Aaliyah thought that he might change his mind, but instead, he swallowed his burrito leaning forward on the table to meet her gaze. "The last two weeks had me reflecting a lot," He said in a low voice, "I heard you. I told you once that I will always hear you, and I did. I should have been honest, and I should have trusted you. Especially since I was often bringing in a lot of my bullshit into our relationship, and you were kept in the dark about it as well. I could understand why I might have driven you away to Xavier—"
"No," Aaliyah said leaning forward taking his hand resting on the table between them. She turned it over locking her hand in his, and she found herself remembering all the good they shared. The times they would talk for hours and feel like barely a moment passed, the times they could laugh at absolutely nothing. The times they were just friends, instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, "You didn't drive me away to Xavier. A lot of the time you were great, and I loved spending time with you, but—"
"Just not like Xavier." Jacks finished in a cool voice, his smile was soft, but a little bitter all the same. Aaliyah didn't know what to say, unsure if she was going to end up hurting him by telling the truth, but Jacks, probably reading her mind, and the dubious look on her face, his smile widened shaking his head, "I've accepted it now. You know how it is, a new hairstyle, a new perception of life." He said gesturing to his hair, and Aaliyah couldn't help but laugh with him, "I won't lie it still sucks that you cheated, but I don't hold anything against you anymore."
Aaliyah smiled, unable to help it. She was glad that he felt that way, the last two weeks hadn't been the same without him. She had missed him a lot. Then she sighed, lowering her gaze to her burrito deep in thought. "We were both wrong in our relationship," She said in a soft voice, "We both had our misgivings, and I think that we were better friends than we were girlfriend/boyfriend. But you didn't drive me to Xavier. He and I, I can't really explain what happened there. Something just changed between us, and I still don't really know what it was. I just don't think I've ever felt this way—"
"Well, I guess what his fan pages were right, Xavier's sex game is so world-shifting it reaches the subconscious," Jacks said, a smirk playing on his lips, his blue luminescent eyes teasing her.
Aaliyah flushed and pushed his shoulder. "Shut up, no one ever said that."
Jacks shrugged innocently. "Maybe I embellished just a little, but the sentiment was the same," He said with a shit-eating grin, Aaliyah adored, "You never seemed to show any interest in sex though, which was weird. If you did, I probably would have jumped at the chance."
Aaliyah flushed a little, though her respect for him skyrocketed, she still felt a little embarrassed. "I'm a virgin," She said with a shrug, "I want to wait until it's right."
Jacks nodded, his expression thoughtful, and Aaliyah tried to study his face for any sign of bitterness, but there wasn't. She wondered if he felt that way for real. Her gaze lingered on the shadow under his eye for what was probably the twenty-fifth time since she saw him, and she couldn't help herself. "How's your eye?" She asked in a soft and anxious voice.
Jacks' hand went to his slightly awkward shade of purple bruise absently, and he thinned his lips together as though trying to ignore the bitter memory of it. "Better than it was two weeks ago," Said Jacks grimly, "I could be worse."
Aaliyah swallowed, trying to build the courage for her next question. When she raised her gaze to Jacks, she could tell just by the somberness of his blue eyes that he knew what she was about to ask next. They were completely still and not dancing like they usually were. She thought that this look somehow made his jaw more set, more mature. "I'm not saying you have to answer," She started in a slow voice, "God knows I know how hard it is to open up about something like this, and—"
"My uncle took me in after my father disappeared a week after my mother died in a car accident," Jacks said in a slow voice. Aaliyah felt a song of grief for him in her heart, and not just by the words he said, but by the way, he said them. His smile was bitter, but Aaliyah could see how distant his eyes were like he was back at that time in his life. A fifteen-year-old, without anyone in the world that would love him the way only your parents can, alone and drowning in grief with no one to pull him out. The blue of his eyes was like glaciers in the arctic, freezing and bleak, just like his voice. Aaliyah could imagine his blood crystallizing and sloshing through his blood vessels and pieces of ice slashing through the muscle layer. She wanted to reach out to touch him, but she wasn't sure that was what he wanted, "It took me over a year before I could start calling what happened to my mom an accident. I don't know, it felt too much like some cosmic joke on my existence. First, my mom is killed, then her life insurance claim is denied so we can barely afford a decent burial, then my dad disappears before we even put her in the ground and then I have to move in with my son of a bitch uncle, I'd never met before. I'd get so angry when people would give their condolences and call the crash an accident because it's like no one can see what was so clearly obvious to me. I felt like I was being targeted and no one believed me like I was some type of mental patient babbling on about conspiracy theories, though I didn't say a word."
Aaliyah didn't know what to say. She had never lost anyone this way, she was afraid of saying the wrong thing. She could only think of just listening to him. At least that way he's able to think through his shit. "Blair was probably the only person I didn't entirely hate during that time. It was like she could read my mind, she never told me the same half-empty condolence, and she didn't pretend like things were normal, she called me once a week to check on me, and asked if I needed anything, obviously, I always said no, but she stayed on the line anyway, not saying anything, but just seeing her contact on my phone reminded me that I wasn't as alone with my thoughts as I felt I was most of the time. My Uncle was no help, stuck in his own grief and pile of other problems he had and no matter how many times I tried to call my dad just to hear his voicemail, I couldn't get out of my own head. Blair helped me with that. And then Light 'Em Up did."
Aaliyah remembered that he joined the dance crew three years ago. He was fifteen then, she realized. Light 'Em Up took up a whole new meaning to her. Dance wasn't just a passion for Jacks, it had been an outlet. A singular place for him to expel all his demons and to scream out his pain the only way he knew how. It was her music. And not just her lyrics, but her melodies, her chords, each note or key change, her harmonies. His dance told her the story of his life, in every complex move in every type of dance from ballroom to breakdance. Light 'Em Up gave him a way to use that outlet for something better. Something bigger than just himself.
Aaliyah swallowed hard, straightening in her seat, though her gaze never left his. "As awful as your life had been once, I love hearing about things like this," She said, taking his hand unable to help herself, and squeeze gently. Jacks stated back at her with wide curious eyes, "I've learned so much since I've been here this last year. One of them is that life is rarely ever black and white. And when we feel most alone, I think that's when we forget that. Absolutes become something we take to heart, especially when it comes to things like hope and love and the absence of it in those times. And sometimes it takes only one person or one change to remind us that life is rarely ever only one way or the other. And yeah for sure, sometimes it feels like life is designed to hurt us, but it's not. Life is life, it can neither be just good or just bad, and the sooner we remember that the sooner we realize how much control we actually have. Maybe not over life itself, but our perception of it."
Jacks was silent at that. He took his gaze away from hers, but Aaliyah thought she could see how glassy his eyes had become. She tried to look for his gaze just to see what he was thinking, but it was impossible.
Another pregnant pause passed before Jacks sat up straight, meeting her gaze again, with a soft smile. Aaliyah couldn't help but smile back, unsure of what it meant, but glad to take it as a good thing. The distant look in his eyes was gone. He seemed to be back to life, a look she had missed. "I forgot about why we were here for a second," He said clearing his throat, "You and Xavier. What happened?"
Aaliyah remembered why she was in such a bad mood, to begin with, and her rucksack felt like it weighed a ton and her bitterness swelled in her chest again as she remembered what she had learned from Brendan Mare. And Xavier. "I have no idea what he's thinking," She said in a tired voice, running a hand through her wig, "He stood me up for something. And I tried to get a hold of him, but he's not returning any of my calls or texts, and I can't help but feel like he's purposefully avoiding me."
The look on Jacks' face made Aaliyah's nerves skyrocket and she found herself peering at him trying to pick apart what he knew that she didn't. She opened her mouth to ask when Jacks beat her to it. "I hate to be the one to tell you, all things considered," He started in a low voice, lowering his burrito, "But have you checked your socials? Pictures of him and Madison looking pretty cozy have been circulating. I think that if you want to know where he is, Madison might be a good start."
Aaliyah's mouth started to dry up, Madison and Xavier, she didn't think they would ever work. Even when Xavier wrote for her, he never seemed to show any interest in talking to Madison or even acknowledging the fact that she existed. But then she found herself remembering Madison and her unhealthy homewrecking habits, and her annoying tendency to question things between her and Xavier when they were practicing for her show tonight. She never brought it up to him, but now she was wondering if that was a mistake...
"But Madison's been at The Garden all day," She argued in a tight voice, "What pictures?" She said quickly taking her phone out of her pocket, her hands shaking anxiously as she put her passcode and saw the list of notifications from her social media accounts. Her heart pounded, wondering what it was about this time. The number of notifications never seemed to slow, but it usually spiked when something bigger happened. She pulled up her Twitter feed and found out that Aaliyah was tagged in several pictures retweeted about a million times in the last hour, of Xavier and Madison standing huddled by an aisle in what looked like a drugstore. Madison had her signature half-smile that made her stomach turn. Xavier's expression was hidden from view, and the comments were endless from assumptions that they were together angry rants from Xaaliyah stans and even some supporters.
Was this what he was doing? Whilst she was dealing with the fact that she was a bargaining tool for blackmail. He was with Madison when he promised he'd be there for her.
Her nausea was quickly replaced with anger and hurt and betrayal. But she couldn't let Jacks see that. She lifted her gaze from her phone to Jacks' worried stare and she found herself softening towards him again and she tried for a smile, though rage was still burning beneath the surface.