In the span of the next three days, a lot happened. Every one of us doctors had given statements to the police, which had been unbearably hard for everyone. I had gone to visit Alex, who was healing well and was being transferred back to Seattle Grace today. Lexie had been committed to the psyche ward, and had been sleeping for about 24 hours, going strong.
Seattle Grace was temporarily closing the ER and was accepting no new patients. A lot of staff had taken leaves of absence. The ones that remained were able to treat what patients they still had.
I barley moved from Derek's room all day. He had been moved from an ICU to a regular patient room. Christina and Teddy had been working with Derek to get him walking again. My stupid husband had refused pain medicine and it made me cringe every time he took a step with his face squeezed in pain and his chest gasping for air.
I wasn't going to lie, I felt bad for him. Terrible. I wished he didn't have to go through this. Christina wouldn't stop badgering me about talking to him, but this was the reason why. I always justified myself the same. He needed to focus on healing himself right now, not me.
I was sitting in my usual chair, when Jackson stepped warily into the room. This had been the first I'd seen of him since he assisted Christina in operating on my husband. I stood up and walked over to embrace him.
"Thank you for what you did in the OR. It took guts, and I'm pretty impressed," I smiled, pulling away from the hug.
Before Jackson could respond, Derek called him over to his bed.
"I wasn't really present in the OR, but I wanted to say thank you too. You saved my life."
"Oh," Jackson smiled "It was all Christina."
"Don't say that, you and Christina are the reason Derek's here right now. You were really brave," I said.
"Are you kidding? That was nothing compared to what you did! You were crazy in there, with the gunman and all. Now that took guts."
I sucked in a breath, the smiled falling from my face. Damn it.
"What?" Derek narrowed his eyes and looked at me "What is he talking about?"
I dropped my eyes, not saying anything. I willed Jackson not to say anything either, but apparently he didn't get the hint. Damn it again.
"She was so brave! She walked right into that OR and offered herself up to save everyone else. I mean, the only reason she didn't get shot was because Yang told the gunman she was-"
"Jackson!" I nearly yelled.
"What the hell is he talking about, Mer?"
Jackson's expression changed and he gasped. "Oh...you didn't know..."
"Yeah, he didn't know, and I wasn't planning on telling him, Jackson. You should go."
Jackson gave me a guilty expression before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him.
"Meredith." Derek demanded from the bed.
I sat on the end of his bed, running my fingers through my hair as I struggled to find the words to talk to him.
"Something....happened. Yeah, something happened in the OR while they were operating on you."
"Yes, I figured that part out already." He was annoyed and angry.
Triple damn it.
"Christina made me sit on the floor of the scrub room with April while she operated. We sat there for a few hours when Owen Hunt walked in. He, uh, told me not to move and he walked into the OR."
"This isn't-"
"Just let me finish!" I snapped, then took a deep breath.
Derek closed his mouth and gazed expectantly at me to continue the story.
"When the door to the OR opened, I heard his voice."
"Whose?"
"The gunman's. Mr. Clark. And I...I got up and ran into the OR."
"Oh, god."
"He was there. He had his gun to Christina's head and was yelling at her to stop fixing you. He said he only came here to kill you, Lexie, and Richard, but she was fixing you."
Suddenly, I wasn't in Derek's hospital room anymore. I was in the OR again, taking in the scene of the gunman and my person and my husband on the table.
"Anytime someone moved, he would point the gun at them. Owen distracted him so they could keep operating. Mr. Clark wouldn't leave until he knew you were...dead." I choked out, reliving the moment as I spoke.
"He was going to shoot Christina, and you would die, and so many more people would have died." I defended myself.
"What did you do?" Derek's voice cut into my memory.
"I-I told him to shoot me." I shuddered, "I stood there in front of Owen and said that you were my husband, Lexie was my sister and Richard was like a father to me. I said..." I was suddenly aware of my husband's hand on my arm. I was shaking and crying.
"I said if he wanted them to hurt the way he hurt, he should shoot me. Then he pointed the gun at me, and I told Christina to tell you that I was sorry, and I loved you."
"Meredith..."
"But Owen jumped forward, and Clark shot him, and moved back to Christina. I begged him to shoot me again. Everyone operating you started to put their hands up, to stop fixing you. I begged them not to stop, and then you flatlined. Or so I thought. Clark was satisfied with that, so he left. I...I collapsed."
"But how...?"
"Jackson had unplugged the leads on your monitor to make it look like you had died. He plugged them back in as continued to work as soon as Clark was gone. But I..."
"You believed I had actually died." Derek finished for me.
"I thought you actually died," I sobbed.
Derek shifting in his bed snapped me out of my memory, and I was quickly aware of how much I was crying. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I looked at my husband, trying to read his face and understand what he was thinking. I also wiped my cheeks and tried to breathe a pull myself together, he didn't need to see me like this.
"A-are you mad?" I asked.
Derek sighed, "You stood in front of a bullet for me. I want to be mad, but I don't think I can."
"Why?"
"Because I would have done the exact same thing,"
I smiled, I hadn't considered that.
"But why didn't you tell me?"
I didn't want to answer that, and I felt another sob rising in my chest. He didn't need to see me crying again. So instead of responding, I stood up.
"I'm uh, gonna take a shower, I'll send someone in to sit with you." I started to walk out of the room.
Derek was calling me back, but I ignored him and walked out, finding Jackson leaning against a wall, looking guilty.
"Can you go sit with him? I'm getting a shower." I said as I approached.
"You still want me in there?"
"Keep your mouth shut. Do not utter and single word about my miscarriage to him, you hear me?" I stepped closer to him, ordering him in a low and threatening voice.
"I...okay. Yeah, I won't."
"Not a word!" I hissed before walking away, trying to make it to the residents lounge before I broke down.
I pulled open the door and shut it behind me, leaning against it I slowly sunk towards the ground, releasing the sobs I had been holding in for days.
"Mer?" A soft voice called from across the room.
Damn it. I thought I was alone.
"Sorry, I'm okay, I just-" I tried to hold back my crying again, but it didn't work.
I looked up, realizing it was Christina. She was changing and had stopped to stare at me.
I shook my head, knowing I could open up to her.
"I told him..." I managed.
She frowned and came over to me, sitting beside me on the floor.
"About the pregnancy and miscarriage?"
"No, about what happened in his OR. With you and the gunman and Jackson."
Christina was silent. I risked a glance at her and she was staring off. She was reliving the moments in the OR as well. I wrapped an arm around her and felt her start to cry against me as well. I don't know how long we sat there, sobbing into each other, but I realized I had never made it to the shower and needed to get back to Derek.
Christina had stopped crying, and we were just sitting in each others arms. We didn't need to say anything, just the comfort of knowing the other one of us was there was enough.
"We're pretty emotionally wrecked." I said.
Christina burst out laughing. "Traumatized," she corrected.
I laughed too and we sat there laughing for a good minute. I realized that was the first time I had laughed since before the shooting.
"I told Derek I was getting a shower, but I didn't," I said, trying to stand up.
"Change your clothes, wash your face and brush your hair." Christin suggested, also standing up.
"You should too."
Christina smiled and we both finished changing, then headed into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and splashed cold water on my face. My eyes were puffy and red. I had obviously been crying, I couldn't go see Derek again like this.
"How's Owen?" I asked Christina as I worked on my hair.
"He's still running around trying to do everything as if he wasn't shot." Christina sighed, sounding annoyed. "Is Lexie still sleeping?"
"Yeah, Mark has been with her a lot. Do you know when Alex gets here?"
"In an hour."
I nodded. I could go see Alex in an hour. "Have you eaten?"
Christina was quiet for a minute, "Not much." She admitted.
"Me neither. But I can't go back to Derek with my face like this. You want to get something to eat?"
"Okay."