"Coco, be ready. They'll be here soon."
"Lo, it's Coenraad. Don't use that ridiculous nickname of me here in the company and in dealing with business."
I walked out of his office room after, only to find out that they're here already, walking towards my way so I decided to go back.
I was very young when I first saw her. Since then, I felt how the sweet smiles of her flatters my heart, the look on her pretty eyes mesmerizes me and the way her soft voice talks and laughs gives me the feeling of amusement. I knew from that moment that I want to marry her.
"Lolo, I want her! Talk to her parents since you're close to them!" I demanded when we arrived at home after the Sinclair visited our company.
Walong taong gulang palang ako pero hindi ko na maipaliwanag ang galak na naramdaman ko nang makita siya. She's with her parents and sister. Hindi ko siya malapitan dahil nakadikit siya sa Ate niya kaya hanggang tingin lang ako 'nong araw na iyon. Napapangiti na lang din ako kapag ngumingiti siya o humahagikhik dahil sa usapan nila ng Ate niya. I must say, she's so cute.
"Coco, nakakahiya sa kanila. I'm still building our relationship and it's not yet time for an arrange marriage. You're still young for pete's sake!"
"Just talk to them! Tell them that Aislinn's meant to be with me! When I'm twenty, I'm gonna marry her!"
"Jusmiyo, hijo! Kay bata-bata mo pa ay iyan na agad ang iniisip mo imbes na pag-aaral mo at ang business natin. Besides, twenty is still young!"
Mas lalo lang akong nagwala. Lahat ng mahawakan ko ay itinatapon ko sa kung saan.
"No! I want her! Just her, Lolo!"
"Stop it! Hindi siya laruan at mga luho mo na basta-basta mo na lang makukuha. Lahat ng bagay ay pinaghihirapan, hijo. If you really want her, then prove it to her and to yourself. Maraming oras para riyan kaya tumigil ka na."
Lolo has been with me since I was born. That's what I know. Siya na lang ang pamilyang itinuturing ko ngayon. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko nakilala o nakita ang mga magulang ko. My Lolo said that my Mother died from giving birth to me while my Father met an accident. I don't really care. Si Lolo na ang kinamulatan ko kaya sa kanya lang ako na-attach. Hindi ko rin gusto ang ibang kapamilya namin.
"Promise me that you will help me to get close to her as you arranges our marriage when we're in the right age!"
Lumapit siya sa akin para buhatin ako. Pinunasan niya rin ang ilang luha na pumatak sa pisngi ko. My eyes widened when I just realized what I did.
Did I really cried for her? Did I broke things just to make sure that I'd get her?
"I promise, hijo. Now, now, let's take you to your room."
Napakapit na lang ako ng mahigpit sa leeg niya, tahimik at naguguluhan.
I noticed some changes in my behavior since I was six. There are times that I'd become violent and aggressive. It made me hurt myself or broke the things that I can see. But most of the time, I'm just silent, cautious, behave and observant. The other me is very different from the other me. It's like a black and white dimension of my world.
"Lolo!" I shouted when I felt the excruciating pain in my head. Parang nabibiyak ang ulo ko.
Minutes later when the double doors of my room swung open. My Lolo and some of our maids ran towards me with worry and scared look on their faces.
"Coco!" Dinaluhan ako ni Lolo. He hugged me while my hands are still on my head. I closed my eyes tightly when I was about to lose my consciousness but when I opened my eyes again, all I can see is darkness.
"Get away from me!" Naitulak ko si Lolo palayo sa akin.
I stood up, picked the vases and books on the table and dumped it on the floor. Napayakap ako ng mahigpit sa sarili ko pagkatapos at ramdam ko ang pagbaon ng mga kuko ko sa balat ko. Ilang beses ko ring kinurot ang sarili ko pero wala akong maramdamang sakit. I'm screaming like my throat was about to explode.
"Coco..."
When I saw Lolo, he's crying. That's when I realized what I just did... again.
I lost control of myself again.
Hindi lang iyan. Naaapektuhan din ang paraan ng pag-iisip at paniniwala ko kapag nag-iiba ang pag-uugali ko. Even the way I move changes and I can't really explain why. I just know that there's something crazy going on with me. Takot akong malaman kung ano man 'yon.
"Having a high IQ have different advantages, but it is also associated with various mental illness and immunological diseases. As for his case, he developed a bipolar disorder. It's not alarming because it can also be considered as normal behavior so you don't have to worry about it. Let's just see if it gets worse over time," my doctor explained to me when Lolo decided to bring me to the hospital to check what's really wrong with me.
It stopped when I got close to Aislinn. Pinilit ko si Lolo na pumunta kami sa family gathering ng mga Sinclair at Coval. Luckily, they agree to have us as their guest.
"Coenraad Martinez. Pleasure to meet a beautiful maiden."
Finally, I got to know her personally. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagkakataong ito.
Every year of her birthday, I always think about the gift that will suit her and to express my affection to her. I'm so happy everytime she accepts it. Mas sumaya lang ako lalo nang mapansin ang mabilis na pagbuo ng relasyon ko sa kanya kahit na isang beses lang sa isang taon kami magkita. I thought so by then that Aislinn's the reason why I'm healing. But didn't I know that every time I longed for her, my illness continue to develop again. My Lolo even said that it runs in our blood but I don't want to believe it.
"I want to see her, Lolo!"
Palaging iyan ang dahilan ko kay Lolo kapag gusto kong pumunta sa kanila. But Lolo didn't allow me because of my medications and education. Pinapayagan lang niya ako kapag birthday niya o kaya may okasyon. That anger me more because I can feel that Aislinn's having a crush on someone.
"You're joking!"
I was more convince that she like someone else and that's not me. The way her cheeks turned red when I asked her if she has a crush aggravates me and hurts my heart. That pushed me to my limits. Mas naramdaman ko ang pagkagusto kong makuha siya.
When she turned seventeen, I gave her a painting with a vision of wild and sensual love, but also of transcendent adoration. She's my beloved muse, so the gravity-defying strength of our relationship begins. It's my way of expressing that I won't give up on her.
"I have a gift for you," I whispered.
Napapikit ako nang malanghap ko siya. Goddamn it! As the year goes by, my innocent curiosity to her turned to sexually obsession. I want something more in her that only me can see and do.
I wonder how the smell of her long wavy hair, the taste of her cupid bow lips and the sweet moans that will come out to her mouth when I do it with her will affect me. Ngayon palang ay sobra-sobra na ang nagiging epekto niya sa akin. Paano pa kaya kung tuluyan ko na talaga siyang mahawakan?
Oh, Aislinn! I badly want to trace your body with my hands, kiss every part of you with my hungry lips, embrace your all and love you freely. Despite those dreamy moments, I want to protect and keep you. Please, accept me already. Choose me. I'll do everything for you.
"I cannot... accept this. I'm sorry," she continued.
This is the first time she rejected my gift and it's like rejecting me vocally. Darkness slowly enveloping my mind again. Hindi niya puwedeng gawin ito sa akin.
"I'm aware of that, Ace, but I don't want to get rejected by you so you don't have a choice but to accept the goddamn chopper."
I fucking feel it. Ayaw niya talaga sa akin. What she's feeling for me is a complete platonic. Thinking about it more now, I can't help but to get angry to myself and to the world. I blame it all to my not enough self and to the cruel and unfair world.
That's the time where my illness got worse. Bihira na lang lumabas ang totoong ako. The darkness and void in me is always showing and I can't control it anymore.
"Your illness fully consumed you. It turns out that you have a Dissociative Identity Disorder. It reflects to a failure to integrate various aspects of your identity, memory and consciousness. I suggest you take a psychotherapy and continue on your medications."
That's what I did but nothing changed. I just learned how to control it. But when I saw her laughing and talking with someone, doon ko tuluyang naramdaman ang pagsabog ng loob ko. Kumuyom ang mga kamao ko bago siya tuluyang tinawag.
She was shocked, but I chose to ignore her. Sa lalaki ko itinuon ang atensyon ko.
"What is your relationship to Aislinn? Classmate? Schoolmate? A friend? Or just a bodyguard?"
"Ikaw ano ka niya? Driver?"
Nagtagis ang bagang ko. He got the nerves to talk back, huh? Who is he, anyway?
I want to punch him until he bleed to death, but I couldn't do it bacause of Aislinn. Kahit na ramdam ko na nasasaktan na si Aislinn sa hawak ko ay hinding-hindi ako bibitaw. She's mine in the first place. Hindi ako papayag na sa kanya siya mapunta lalo na't mas nauna ako.
"Tell me, Aislinn, is that goddamn asshole your suitor?"
"Ano bang problema, Rad? Why are you being like this?"
"Just answer my question!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko nang kami na lang dalawa ang magkasama sa loob ng kuwarto niya.
"I'm in love with him, Rad."
My world crumbled but the anger in me continue to dominates me, shrouding the pain and sadness. Why can't it be me?
"You have an arrange marriage!"
I used it because that's the truth! She's bound to marry me and no one else!
"Well, it's..." she stammered. "It's not yet finalize, Rad. I can still convince my Mom about it. I'll, uhm, I'll find a way to-"
"That's not a solution, Aislinn! Are you really going to lower yourself for that asshole?! Goddamn it! Why can't you see it?!"
Ganoon ba talaga siya kaayaw sa akin? Fuck! I'm losing it. Gagawin niya lahat para lang sa lalaking iyon? Whatever she's thinking and planning, I'm not going to let that happen. Gagawin ko rin lahat para mapasaakin siya.
"Why are you making this one a big deal, Rad? Why are you so desperate?"
Desperate! Ngayon ay nagagawa niyang pag-isipan ako ng kung ano-ano when I just want her love!
"I love you, Aislinn! I've been loving you since the day I met you!"
She knew but didn't gave me a chance to prove it. Mas pinili niya ang lalaking iyon habang patuloy niyang iniignora ako.
I gave him the cues but I guess, she still didn't get it. Hindi niya pa rin nakuha na ako ang ikakasal sa kanya hanggang sa dumating ang debut niya. Sometimes, I fucking hate her innocent and kind side.
Pagkauwi ko ay agad kong inutusan ang mga tauhan ko na magsaliksik tungkol sa gagong iyon. Who the hell did he think he is? She can't have Aislinn. I won't let him have her.
"I came here to officially announce my courtship to you in front of your parents."
"Rad, I thought we already talked about this?"
She's helpless.
That's what I did before her party. No one can stop me now even her. Just like what I said to her, I couldn't sacrifice my mad heart for the sake of her happiness. My affection for her is just too strong. Sa lahat ng ginusto ko ay siya lang ang hindi ko makuha-kuha kaya hindi ako papayag na hindi siya makuha pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagsasamahan namin. Marami rin akong sinakripisyo at pinagdaanan. For once, inintindi ba niya iyon? Did she consider it too other than her own fucking feelings?
"Aislinn is betrothed to me, Razvan."
I warned him but he didn't listen. Kailangan pa talagang umabot sa ganito bago siya tuluyang malayo kay Aislinn at matanto ni Aislinn na ako dapat ang piliin niya?
"I want you to stay away from her," seryosong pahayag ko kay Razvan nang dumating siya sa usapan namin.
"Why would I do that?"
Tumingin ako sa kanya and he has the nerves to look back at me with those boastful eyes of him. Naramdaman ko ang pagtagis ng bagang ko at ang pagkuyom ng mga kamao ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko.
"Alright. I'll give you the reasons why," I took a step forward to get closer to him and see through his eyes. "I love her..."
"Bakit ako ba hindi?" Napangisi siya bago nag-iwas ng tingin. "You know well that she loves me, so stop this already. Wala kang laban sa akin, Coenraad."
Mangha sa mga binitawan niyang salita, ako naman ngayon ang napangisi. "Nagkasundo ang pamilya namin na ipakasal kami seven years from now."
Nakaramdam ako ng kampante nang matigilan siya. Bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin, seryoso at puno ng galit. That's right, Razvan. Feel me.
"She wouldn't-"
"She will. So, you got two options: one, get lost and let us build the relationship that's bound to happen and two, continue what you're doing and suffer the consequences."
"Hindi ako tanga at bobo para sundin ka. I love her and she loves me. Walang sino man ang makakatibag 'non." Tinalikuran niya ako.
"So, be it," I muttered, gritting my teeth.
All my life, I've been waiting for Aislinn's love for me, so I will do everything to tie her to me. She pushed me to the corner so no one could stop me now. I'll start with their business then to her family and the love of her life. Ito ang pinili niya. Hindi ko hahayaang maging masaya sila habang ako ay miserable.
Kahit na anong gawin niyang pagpapakalma sa akin ay bumabalik pa rin ang kadiliman at kawalan sa akin. Hindi na ito madadaan sa matinong usapan pa. Hindi na mababalik ang dating Rad na nakilala niya. She build him but she's also the reason why he's broken into pieces.
"Oh, Aislinn..." Hinaplos ko ang pisngi niya habang hawak ko ang ulo niya sa kaliwa kong kamay na nakapatong sa binti ko.
I tilted my head to see every part of her features. I licked my lips when I caressed her hair, neck and down to her left breast. Bumalik ang tingin ko sa duguan niyang labi. Pinunasan ko iyon gamit ang hinlalaki ko bago siya bigyan ng marubdob at sabik na halik. Tumagal iyon ng ilang minuto.
Goddamn it! She's so sweet and pure.
Binuhat ko siya at dinala sa ospital. Accidents happen and Aislinn's not excluded from it. Kung malas iyon sa kanya ay swerte naman iyon sa akin. I got a chance to yearn sexually for her and claim her as mine. I got a chance to fulfill a little bit of my desires.
Nang mahatid na siya sa emergency room ay tahimik akong naghintay sa labas, nakatayo at parang timang na ngumingisi-ngisi habang nakahawak sa mga labi ko. Napayuko ako at napakagat-labi para alalahanin ang halik na nangyari kanina. If only she knew, I'd make it more romantic and sexual.
Fuck! I'm madly in love with you, Aislinn. Hindi ko na napipigilan ang sarili ko.
"Susunod ka sa gusto ko dahil ikakasal ka sa akin kahit na anong mangyari."
I kept on increasing the pressure on her neck. Bigla na lang nandilim ang paningin ko and it triggered me to do this to her.
"Kung sila ang nagiging sagabal at nagiging dahilan kaya nagkakaganyan ka... don't worry because I'm working on it, my beloved," I added. "Pero kung magmamatigas ka, mas mabuting-"
Goddamn it! She kicked my fucking manhood!
I gave her medicines to paralyze her, so that she can't go against the situation and the plans that I'm making. Kung talagang ito lang ang paraan para manatili siya sa akin.
Natauhan ako nang makitang nakalabas agad siya sa kuwarto. I muttered a curse before following her. Fucking useless nurse! Mukhang hindi naman tumalab.
She got away but brought back once again kaya hindi ko na pinatagal ang kasal. I want it to be done as soon as possible but she locked herself up in her room. I suddenly feel guilty knowing that what happened in the hospital caused trauma to her. But I couldn't blame myself too. I'm doing it because I love her! So, I gave her all the time she needed until I couldn't wait anymore. On her twenty-third birthday, we had our engagement party.
But just like what happened in the hospital, she got away. This time, plinano niya talagang tumakbo palayo dahil may dala siyang mga gamit. Plinano niyang takasan at iwan ako.
"Find her! Search every place of this goddamn country!" I screamed ragely to my newly hired people.
Kahit ang pamilya ni Aislinn ay nagsimula na ring magpahanap agad sa kanya. They asked for my help but I want to do it my way. Kapag nahanap ko siya ay sisiguraduhin kong hindi na siya makakawala pa. She declared the chaos so I'll play with it.
Namilog ang mga mata ko nang makitang natamaan siya ng bala ng isa sa mga tauhan ko. Galit akong napatingin sa may gawa 'non.
"What the fuck did you do?! Didn't I told you that don't use your fucking gun on her?! Gamitin para mapasunod at matakot, hindi para patayin siya! Goddamn it!" Hindi na ako nag-alinlangan pa na barilin siya sa dibdib at ulo.
"Find her! Siguradong hindi pa siya nakakalayo!" sigaw ko na agad namang sinunod ng mga walang kuwentang tauhan ko.
I tilted my head as I closed my eyes, tired for this goddamn chasing game.
Akala niya siguro ay nakatakas na siya sa huling engkuwentro namin sa isang palengke sa Masbate pero nagkakamali siya. I smirk when I saw her getting on the boat. We followed her using her chopper, the one that she didn't accept.
The happiness rose within me again when I immediately saw her. Hindi naman kasi siya mahirap hanapin.
"Found you."
Tatakbo sana siya pero agad ko siyang hinila sa kamay at pinabalik sa akin. God, ngayon ko lang siya nahawakan ulit ng ganito and I'm losing myself even more. Bakit kasi hindi na lang ako, Aislinn? Hindi na sana tayo umabot sa ganito. I killed and ruined people's lives just to catch you. This is all your fault.
"Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo, 'di ba, you can't run from me. I have a strong sense of smell when it comes to you. Kahit na libutin mo pa ang Pilipinas sa pagtatago mo, mahahanap at mahahanap kita. Naiintindihan mo ba iyon, Aislinn?!"
For fucking one year, she's been running away from me. Ilang beses ko na siyang nahuli pero palaging nakakawala. Hindi niya ba alam na mas lalo akong ginaganahan sa laro niyang ito?
"You're not my beloved anymore."
She's not the same Aislinn that I met. I want that Aislinn back, so let's revive her old self again. After this, I'll make sure that everything will be back to normal. Ako at siya lang.
"Ano?! Bakit niyo hinayaang makawala?! My intructions were fucking clear! Do. Not. Let. Them. Go. Until. I. Bring. Aislinn. Home! Goddamn it!"
I was fuming mad when I heard the news that Aislinn's parents got away. Alas ko sila para mas lalo kong mapapayag si Aislinn pero hinayaang makawala ng mga bobo kong tauhan.
"S-Sir, pasensiya na po. The Cronin brung the military and cops. Wala po kaming naging laban."
Razvan Cronin. Akala ko tapos na tayo. Hindi pa pala. Just wait until I come home with Aislinn.
"Sir-" Agad kong tinitigan ng masama ang tauhan ko kaya nanahimik na lang ulit siya. Isa pa ito! Nakita ng may kausap pa ang tao!
"I don't fucking care about the Cronin! Just make sure to bring them back or else I'll be the one to kill you all! Damn it!"
Paglingon ko ay nakita kong tumatakbo na naman palayo si Aislinn. I panicked that I'd lose her again so I pulled the trigger.
"Fuck!"
She fell down on the wooden floor. Nahirapan siyang tumayo dahil sa tama niya sa binti. Kalaunan, napangisi ako nang may mapagtanto. Lalapitan ko na sana siya nang biglang gumalaw ang barko.
My eyes widened in anger when I saw her leaving again. I shot her again, avoiding the vital parts. She left me no choice. The first shot was accident but not the second shot. Sisiguraduhin ko lang na mahihimatay lang siya para tagumpay ko siyang madala pauwi.
"Where did she go, you morons?!" Kwinelyuhan ko ang isa sa mga tauhan ko nang makitang bigla na lang siyang nawala pagkatapos niyang matumba ulit. Nalingat lang ako saglit dahil sa biglaang pagkakagulo ng mga tao ay nawala na agad siya?! Goddamn it!
"H-Hindi po namin nakita, Sir. P-Pasensiya na po..."
Pinakawalan ko siya at agad binaril sa dibdib.
"Walang kuwenta! Lahat kayo!" Sunod-sunod akong nagpaputok sa ere dahil sa galit. Kanya-kanya naman ng sigaw ang mga tao.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
I lost her again!
"Ano pang tinatayo-tayo niyo diyan?! Hanapin niyo siya! Ngayon na! Goddamn it!"
Agad namang nagsikilos ang mga tauhan ko at naghiwa-hiwalay para mahanap ulit si Aislinn. I thought she lost her consciousness? Why did she disappeared like vapor again? Hanggang kailan ba siya mawawala sa akin bago ko siya tuluyang makuha?
Aislinn, my only beloved muse, I will always come to you to find you. I will never get tired and lose hope even if it means losing my life. Just wait until I find you once again.