One thing I had learnt about Romeo was that he was extremely patient.
It was a quality I neither excelled nor lacked in, but the amount of times I had stumbled or lost my footing on the way back was enough to irritate myself, and yet Romeo had simply laughed off my clumsiness, holding onto my hand throughout as he guided me patiently.
On the way to the graffiti wall I had been too caught up in my thoughts to notice the uneven flooring beneath us, but now, on our way back through the narrow path my feet became hyperaware of every stone it came into contact with, resulting in me tripping and bumping into Romeo more times than I could count.
"I swear there weren't half as many branches on our way here," I huffed, steadying myself as I stumbled yet again. Determined not to trip any more, I held onto his wrist with my free hand, hoping to gain extra stability as I practically clung onto him.
Romeo chuckled in response, finding humour in my misfortune. "We're nearly through it, don't worry," he spoke, and past him I could see the dim glow of moonlight able to stream through again, providing a temporary source of light. "You're not hurt, right?"
"No, no I'm not," I assured quickly. At least not physically anyway. Releasing my vice grip on his hand, I let out an audible sigh of relief when the path widened again, allowing us to walk side by side now that I was actually able to see where I was going. "How did you even manage to find such a hidden place?"
"I was uh, being chased by the police." Romeo winced slightly as he said it, avoiding my gaze as I sent him a surprised glance. "I was new to graffiti, and was pushing my luck by choosing to start spray painting in a place way more public than I would usually choose. The next thing I knew an officer was approaching me, yelling stuff about vandalising public property, so I bolted. I ended up taking random turns to get away, then I found myself here."
"It's weird how life does that," I mused, "Making a situation so wrong manage to turn out so right."
"Kind of like how we met," Romeo remembered, referring to when he literally stopped me on the verge of death. "It could've panned out a lot different, but... luckily it didn't come down to that."
"Did you... did you know I would be there?" I asked suddenly, turning to face him as the new thought popped into my head. "You know so much about me, and- I don't know, I just thought... maybe you could have planned this whole thing; like you were tracking me or something and knew this was going to happen."
"Honestly, I had no idea I would meet you tonight," he cleared up, holding my gaze as I searched for any sign of a lie. "Initially, once I realised it was you I did follow you off the train to speak to you, but... then I changed my mind and started to walk away."
I glanced at him quizzically. "Why?"
"I wouldn't have known where to begin!" he admitted, a slight chuckle escaping him as he reminisced. "You freaked out enough when you found out I knew who you are, and that was after we'd actually spoken for a while. Imagine your reaction if I had just randomly walked up you and told you I knew you."
"Yeah, that wouldn't have been the wisest approach to take," I agreed, my smile faltering as I realised a discrepancy in his story. "But then how come you were able to stop me?"
"This is going to sound absolutely crazy but..." he trailed off, exhaling heavily before his onyx orbs returned to mine. "Something- something told me to turn back. I don't know what it was, whether it was intuition or some kind of sixth sense, but as insane as it sounds, I just... felt a sort of pull back to you."
The intensity of his gaze was almost too much for me to handle while he scanned my face, gauging my reaction to his words. I knew I should say something, and let him know he hadn't scared me off with his words or been too open, but the bizarreness of the situation was so unfathomable I had trouble letting it sink in.
"That's..."
"Weird?" he suggested, filling in my silence, "Creepy? Strange? Surreal? Or simply just crazy?"
"Fate," I concluded, letting my eyes drift back to his endless brown ones. They were so dark, darker than any eyes I had ever seen, probably holding deep depths of mysteries awaiting to be revealed. "Maybe it was fate that everything happened the way it did."
"So does that make us a pair of star crossed lovers?"
I wanted to bang my head against a wall. "Of course, you just had to make a reference to Romeo and Juliet, didn't you?"
"Would I be me if I didn't?" he grinned as I rolled my eyes in annoyance, but the slight smile on my face gave me away. "I'm partially being serious though: we could be star-crossed lovers. Maybe we fell in love at first sight when we saw each other on the train, and it was the bond of love we shared that lead me back to you-"
"Romeo?"
"Yep?" he stifled a laugh at my stern expression.
"Shut up."
He watched me with an amused gaze, smiling knowingly to himself as he nodded. "Noted."
He dropped the dramatics, returning to his normal voice since he had been speaking in an overly exaggerated tone that assured me he was only joking.
I broke his gaze abruptly once I realised we'd stopped walking, confused before I looked ahead of us to realise we were right in front of a park. I'd been so absorbed in our conversation I'd barely paid heed to our surroundings, only now realising that we hadn't been heading back to the train station, but rather Romeo had decided to bring us here.
"Why are we at a park?"
"Because fate lead us here," he teased, ignoring my dry laugh in response as he began dragging me along, passing through the park gates and heading towards the swings. The park would have been completely immersed in the dark if not for the distant streetlights casting a soft glow over the playground, providing enough light for us to see.
"Okay, then why would fate decide to lead us to a park of all places?" I rephrased my question as the two of us sat down on the swings. I used my feet to push myself off the ground and gain some movement, whereas Romeo just sat still on his, the gentle sound of creaking from the swing providing a hum of background noise.
"I don't know," he shrugged, watching me with a small smile. "When I think about the park, I immediately think of my childhood." I felt my grip on the chain of the swing tighten involuntarily at his words, forcing myself to keep my expression blank. "I used to come to the park all the time with my family when I was younger."
I didn't.
The memories of my childhood were one big blur of tears, shouting, and a persistent underlying sense of fear. The closest I'd gotten to going to the park with either of my parents were longing glances I caught of it from the backseat of the car before it disappeared from view.
"I suppose part of me misses how it used to be when I was a kid," he smiled sadly, "Maybe that's why I brought us here; I miss being carefree, feeling like nothing really mattered except the moment you were in. I had no worries, or fears, and life just felt so... happy."
"You had a good childhood?"
"The best," he grinned, "Growing up I would spend all my time with my family: trips to the cinema, family dinners, visits to the park, weekly movie nights. We all used to be so close... I miss that."
Can you miss something you've never had?
Romeo spoke about his childhood as though all the things he'd mentioned were quintessential, and yet I hadn't experienced any. The only time we had family dinners was Christmas, and even then the entire day was a tense and awkward affair rather than a joyous one. Close was not a word I would ever use to describe my relationship with either of my parents.
Reliving the memories of my childhood was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't see any way out to escape this conversation. "I guess I miss it too," I spoke tentatively, keeping my gaze ahead as I spoke, "But not for the same reasons as you."
"Why then?" His tone seemed genuinely intrigued, rather than just asking out of compulsion or to fill in the silence around us.
"I miss being naïve." I kept my eyes down, focusing on the random strands of grass poking through the cracks in the concrete instead of looking at Romeo., "I miss not knowing the truth about how messed up the world we live in is, thinking that everything was fine when really it wasn't. I miss being ignorant..."
"Because ignorance is bliss," Romeo finished off, allowing us to fall into a momentary lapse of silence. The sudden onslaught of my melancholic thoughts would have almost been tangible if not for the palpable waves of nostalgia overpowering me with every shaky breath I took. "There are downsides to being ignorant though, the most obvious one being missing out on the truth."
"Well, knowing the truth cost me my happiness," I replied tersely, "It's reason I am the way I am today. That's why I miss being naïve; I miss me before my perception of the life became tainted and I started to see the world through a broken lens. I miss me before everything went wrong, but if I'm honest with myself, everything was always wrong – I just didn't realise it."
Romeo was quiet for a second, a pensive expression across his face before he spoke. "You don't have to answer if it's too personal, but: what was wrong?" I should have expected his question, but it still managed to throw me off guard as I faltered in my swing, using my feet to bring myself to an abrupt stop.
"I was... I was too young to understand it at first." I began, cryptic with my words as I didn't particularly want to share my story, but couldn't find the words to tell him I'd rather not. "I didn't understand why mum used to work every hour possible in the day, and why her smile didn't reach her eyes anymore. The corners of her eyes didn't crinkle like they used to when she laughed, until eventually she stopped laughing completely." It was in the absence of her laughter that I first began to hear Him shouting.
I didn't realise the foundations of my childhood had been long awaiting their demise; I didn't realise that during my whole life the base had been crumbling until I watched Him knock it down. Piece by piece, He demolished everything I cherished, until I was left cold and calloused, distrusting of life and all the false promises it made.
I let out a wry laugh of my own, cruel and bitter as it resounded through the cold night's air. "That's what was wrong: my mum couldn't laugh anymore." And now neither could I.
I'm pretty sure Romeo could read between the lines. I didn't have to spell out what I was trying to say, and it was obvious enough by my lack of eye contact and curt demeanour.
"If I'd known, I would never have-"
"It's fine," I cut him off, sending him a rather forced smile as I began to swing again, much slower this time, like shallow ripples progressing through a pond. My smile didn't nothing to ease the guilt that swam amongst the dark rivers in his brown abyss, somehow managing amplify his regret rather than diminish it.
The gentle creaking of my swing was the only sound between us, with the sound from distant vehicles on the main road barely audible. "Is it weird..." I began, letting my swing come to a slow stop as I turned my gaze towards Romeo. "Is it weird that I sort of miss it?"
He snapped his head towards mine, an inquisitive expression across his face as he furrowed his brows. "You mean, is it weird that you miss being naïve?"
"No, I don't mean that," I shook my head, casting my eyes down. "I miss being naïve, yes, but I also... I miss the childhood that- that I never had. The type of childhood that you'd look back on and remember fondly – kind of like the one you got to experience: a perfect one. I... I miss it. Even though I never even had it."
"My childhood was by no means perfect," Romeo amended, careful with his words as he spoke softly, "It had its share of ups and downs too-"
"But you had parents who loved you. You had a family who supported you, and probably still even do," I interrupted, feeling a need to point out the obvious. "Okay, it wasn't perfect, but it seems like it was far better than mine."
"Well, when you say it like that..." Romeo sighed in defeat, nodding reluctantly. "Then yeah, I guess in a way it was. I just- I've really never thought about it like that." I sent him an inquisitive glance, noting how he avoided my gaze, but I didn't want to probe further seeing as he hadn't with me.
"Coming from someone who practically had to raise herself, trust me, it really does sound perfect," I muttered, unmindful of how bitter it sounded. "Sometimes, I just... I wonder if I even have a right to want something I never had, let alone miss it." I sighed, glancing over at Romeo to determine his views, "I mean, can I? Can I miss something I never got to experience?"
"I think you definitely can," Romeo assured, his tone of voice letting on that he seemed to be speaking from experience, rather than merely giving his input. "I suppose it's natural to miss something you wanted to have; missing and wanting go hand in hand." Romeo turned his head as he broke my gaze, mumbling something along the lines of "besides, you're not the only one," but it was so faint I was unsure if I'd even heard correctly.
Despite him breaking our eye contact, I kept my gaze on Romeo, mulling over his possible words when an idea suddenly popped into my mind. I shrugged off my rucksack, setting it on my lap as I picked out my journal and a pen, flicking to a blank page and immediately beginning to write.
As I enveloped myself in the rhythm of my pen gliding across the paper, I could sense Romeo's eyes return to me, glancing up briefly to see him watching me with a soft smile before I continued. He began swinging slowly next to me, the lulling motion helping me put the myriads of words racing about my mind into the correct order.
"Sorry about that," I apologised mindlessly as I put my lid back on my pen, directing my words towards Romeo while I read over the finished poem. "I just... needed to."
Before he could speak or I could overthink it, I stretched my hand out to him, motioning for him to take my journal and read it. His eyes flicked up to mine questioningly, silently asking if I was sure before I nodded and he took my journal, his eyes trailing up to the beginning of the poem.
You can't miss something you've never had
So how can I miss being part of a proper family?
When I never got shown any love
And always thought that the problem was me?
You can't miss something you've never had
So how can I miss not being broken?
When my whole life I've been searching
For that missing piece or token?
You can't miss something you've never had
So how can I miss having a clear mind?
When I've always been overthinking
And overanalysed everything that I'd find?
You can't miss something you've never had
So how can I miss having a normal day?
When it feels like the shouting never stopped
Being unable to find peace in any way?
You can't miss something you've never had...
Can you?
(A/N) I write my chapters a week or two in advance, so today when I read over this to post it I had the strongest urge to just delete the entire thing and start over, because I've been so conflicted in the opinions both Cassie and Romeo express in this chapter.
Do you believe in fate? And can you miss something you've never had?
- T.R.