Bleach fumes rose with the sun through the tiny space of Sid's living room. Her knees skated across the floor as she sprayed and rubbed at the faux wood tiles. She remembered buying the tiles from Home Depot and being excited by how warm they made the apartment look. She put them down herself. Her shoulder ached then too, just like it did now, after doing the entire apartment. But she was pleased with it. It felt less homely; less poverty drenched. Now, beneath a layer of sick, the tiles just looked sad and fake. She wiped up the last of her mess from and hoisted herself up off the floor.
Several precarious hobbles later, she made her way to the kitchen and dropped the wad of paper towels into the garbage. The stench from the soiled papers made her nose scrunch. She hoisted the entire garbage bag out of the can, tightened the drawstring, and carried it toward the front door. The black bookbag sat on the floor of the living room still. She hadn't opened it. When she came to after passing out she thought that maybe it was all some pill-induced hallucination. A dream. Like, maybe she didn't steal a drug dealers stash and cash. But there it was, like Freddy Krueger being pulled from the dream world into reality. Sid dropped the garbage bag by the front door.
Tugging at the rubber cleaning gloves on her hands she took a deep breath and confronted the bag as it lay innocently on the carpet. She pulled at the zipper with two pinched fingers. The cheap nylon fabric fell open revealing the contents inside. Yep, she robbed a dealer. For a lot more than she ever thought possible. The gun for one. She wanted it out of the house. She gripped the butt of the gun and wrapped an old towel around it. She dropped the towel-clad gun into the soiled trash bag before turning back to the book bag. The green bills still gleamed out of the opening toward her. It was time to confront it. She grabbed the bag and sat on the couch and began to pull out stack..after stack...after stack. Undoing the rubber bands that were wound around every stack, she peeled off each bill and began to count. Her breath caught as the total went higher. And higher. And higher still. When she was done, her entire body shook with adrenaline. She laid back on the couch and blinked plainly at the ceiling.
Fifty-seven thousand dollars.
Why did he have this much money on him? Sid was hoping for a couple thousand to settle some bills. But this was a poor man's fortune. A small life insurance policy. Sid groaned and felt tears biting at her eyes. No, she didn't want it like this. She didn't want to come into a fortune this way. Again, through negativity and tragedy. She thought she would get five thousand tops. But this. This? This was a plain old robbery. What she'd done was somehow worse because of the amount. Like, no one cared if you picked up a dollar off the ground, but hundreds of dollars? You were expected to turn that shit into the police or you were a terrible person.
But this is drug money. Illegal dirty money. There was a gun with it for god's sake! She rationalized with herself. The money is her hands would mean that the drug lords had just a little less capital to ruin people's lives with. That couldn't be all bad. But this wasn't some nameless faceless person. This was Phil. It was harder to tell herself the lie that it would not affect anyone when she knew specifically who the anyone was. Putting it back would be easy. Just be done with it, she thought. The green stacks were spread all over the floor. One of them was in her hand. With just that one she could pay off her rent everything she owed everyone. She picked up another. This was enough to get her and AJ out of this hell hole. Her heart thumped against her chest so loudly at the thought that she thought it was shaking her little apartment. Echoing in her ears and rattling the door. After closing her eyes and taking a breath she realized that the steady thumping was actually coming from her door. Sid held her breath, remained stock still, and listened.
"Sidney? Sid, it's me. Are you home?"
Whitney's voice was muted on the other side of her front door. She could hear AJ babbling to her sister. Whitney answered him in a calming tone. She was so much better with him than Sid was. Whitney knocked again. Sid jumped into action and winced at the pain in her ankle as she collected the money in a pile. It was strange how quickly fifty grand can be cleaned up. Stuffed into a bag and hidden in a closet like it was nothing when really it was everything.
Sid pulled open the front door and tried to look less sweaty. Less antsy.
"One of these days, Sidney. I swear...I'm going to kill you. What happened to you?" Whitney's eyes softened after she saw the bandages on Sid's foot and head.
"Got run down by a Citibike."
"What? You know... the weirdest shit happens to you."
You have no idea, Sid thought.
She took AJ from Whitney's arms and he burrowed his head in the crook of her neck. Her shoulder ached under his weight but she pushed it away. Instead, she inhaled him and pulled him in closer.
"I was trying to call you all night."
"Phone got shut off."
The furrowed brow slumped shoulder, look of pity. Sid tried not to see it all over Whit's face but it was there.
"I'm going to pay it today though. Don't worry." Sid remembered that she had to two hundred from Tomi in her purse...and fifty grand in her closet.
"How'd the job hunt go?"
"I got a job. I start on Monday." Sid decided it would be best to leave out the details. She still hated the fact that Tomi had to save her ass. No way she was going to start broadcasting that.
"Nice! Congrats." Whit shoved Sid's shoulder and she winced, "Sorry. Damn, how fast was that cyclist going?"
"It was my fault, I didn't look and I was drinking."
"Sid..." Whitney was about to admonish her.
"I know. I'm fine..."
"Ok, well, I had fun with my baby. He's a natural gymnast. We have another class next weekend."
"Whit, seriously, he's not your kid. Besides he's with Aiden next week."
"I know, I already coordinated with Aiden to pick him up."
"Stop talking to Aiden! Jesus! I already told you." Sidney unzipped the light jacket AJ wore that she was sure she hadn't sent him over to Whitney's with. She must have bought it for him. Sidney sighed. Regardless of everything that happened, Whitney kept up regular communication with Aiden. She felt that someone in the family needed to and it wasn't going to be their mother and it certainly wasn't Sidney.
"I will not stop speaking to him. He's the father of our child," Whitney said and stared Sid down, daring her to dissent again.
"You're so..."
"Wonderful and supportive. I know. And he told me you told him that you're seeing a therapist. Sidney, I do not count as a therapist."
"You almost are," Sidney said, with guilt all over her face. Whitney was in her final semester for her Bachelors's in Social Work. She still had to a few years ahead of her before she became licensed but she was solid enough for Sidney. Besides, she who valued having someone who understood her as a person and really understand the weights of what they lost that morning on the train platform.
"Not if you have people out here thinking I'm treating my own family members. I'll lose my license before I even get it. Find a real therapist, please. It'll help. I gotta go."
Whitney swept up AJ and kissed his cheek loudly before landing a light smooch on Sid's cheek.
"Call if you want," Whitney said before she was out of the door. She was the only one who said it that way. If Sid wanted. Not, Do you need help? Sid knew that was what she meant but just wording it differently didn't leave her with that icky charity case feeling. She was grateful for that.
Once Whitney was gone Sidney took a long shower while AJ played with his toys on the rug right outside of the tub. Her thoughts swirled around the cash. She knew she'd have to come up with something. Would have to do something with the money but she didn't know what. It's not like she could just carry it all out of here drop it on the counter at her bank. It was more money than she'd ever seen in her life. More money than she ever thought she'd have at once. It was sitting there in the closet. Just taunting her.
She could just put it back. Before anyone noticed that it was even missing. Get rid of it. It was drug money.
She also had an eviction notice. With her first paycheck still a few weeks away she didn't have much choice but to take a bit off of one of those stacks. At least enough to keep a roof over her head. Sidney slid back the curtain on the shower just in time to see AJ throwing the last of his toys into the toilet.
"Poop!" AJ pointed excitedly at all his little toys bobbing around in the toilet.
"Yeah, baby. It's all poop."
***
With a quick rewrap of her ankle and a hat to cover the lump on her forehead, she was out the door and on her way to the cell phone store a few blocks away. AJ was strapped in his stroller and she took her time limping along. She entered the shop and it was nearly empty. Someone approached her right away.
"Hi, welcome to T-Mobile! How can I help you?" The guy was young and upbeat. Sid tugged her hat lower on her head and leaned in over the counter.
"Hi. My phone was shut off. I'd like to make a payment to get it back on."
"Yeah, no problem." He started to type away on the computer after taking Sid's information and she looked around. Her paranoia was on high. She made it out of her building without running into Phil, Chante, or anyone else from the block. She peeled off a couple of hundred dollar bills. One to pay her phone bill. Two thousand worth to pay her back rent and two hundred more to get some groceries into their empty cabinets. That's all. The rest was going back into the bag and then back into Phil's stash spot tonight. She'd decided and it was final. She would continue to work hard and with this new opportunity she could really carve out a good life for herself and her son over the next few years. Slowly but surely and without having the look over her shoulder every step of the way.
"You know, if you set up your account on autopay, you don't have to worry about missing a payment." The customer service rep told her happily.
Sidney sucked in an annoyed breath and then released it, blowing the little cardboard sign advertising a happy family saving money with their happy family plan, slightly askew. She smiled, and for a moment even considered saying nothing. But with the week she'd been having it felt like the words wouldn't stay in even if she wanted them to. She allowed her smile to turn into a grimace.
"Really?" She spat, "Does autopay make the money available in your account too? Because for most people whose cell phones get shut off, it's not just a matter of forgetting to pay it. I don't have the money to pay it." Sid felt her voice rising louder than she wanted it to but the cork was off.
"If I put it on autopay it'll overdraft my account and the bank will charge me a fee for the damn cell phone bill charge. Once that happens, I know my already tiny paycheck will be even smaller and I'll have to spend the subsequent week trying to figure out how I'm going to buy food for my son and get toilet paper to wipe my ass."
T-mobile guy swallowed hard and mumbled an apology. Sid felt like shit as she handed him the money to apply to her account. She wanted this to be over. She wanted to apologize. It wasn't his fault that she was broke. A series of unfortunate events led her to this place where she never thought she would be. Even down to last night. She should be dead but instead, she was sitting on a small fortune. An image of the money sprawled out on her little coffee table popped into her mind. She did another nervous look around. Her eyes landed on a sign that said if she upgraded to an unlimited data plan she would qualify for a new phone at a lower price.
Sid had held her fair share of entry-level jobs during college and knew that sales and commission meant a lot. The T-mobile rep was bashfully eyeing the other reps who had surely overheard her outburst and nervously typing into the computer. Every other thing he typed he had to delete. He was a wreck and Sid felt like shit. Maybe she could apologize by upgrading her stuff. She had the same beaten up Samsung phone since college. A phone with a screen bigger than her palm and all the useless YouTube videos she wanted, was the least she could do to help her...and the poor T-Mobile guy.
"Can you tell me about this promotion here? I think it's time for something new."
A half-hour later Sid walked out of the store with the iPhone 11 Pro Max and all the data she didn't even know her heart desired. It set her back about a grand. It turns out the promotion only covers a small selection of low to mid-range cell phones and not the most expensive one in whole the damn store. But she wanted it. She hadn't wanted anything for so long because she knew that she couldn't ever get it but here she was. Wanting things and getting them. She pushed whatever guilt she felt about what afforded her the opportunity to do so under the buzz of finally having something new and shiny. She felt like she belonged in a small way. Through a simple cell phone, she felt like she had whispered into the universe that she was here and deserving. Sid's stomach growled while she pulled the plastic film off of her new toy and she limped her way to the supermarket to get some food. Air condition was a cool relief as she rolled down the aisles grabbing her usual stuff.
"Cookies! cookies! cookies." Sid had barely rounded the corner when AJ's eyes spotted the cookie display. Yep, they were back behind enemy lines. She wished they would tuck the damn cookies in the back somewhere. Someplace out of sight of small excitable children whose parents are poor.
...were...poor...
Sid wheeled AJ in front of the cookies stacked into a pyramid. His little hand reached out, just shy of touching the crinkly wrapper of the Double Stuff Oreo's.
"Go ahead...get one," Sid said. It sounded foreign leaving her lips. It's like her voice took on a different cadence. Sounded different when it was laced with affirmation instead of objection. She sounded like a different person. A person she... liked better.
AJ looked back at her with wide eyes. The precious boy thought he'd misheard too. Like he was skeptical if that was his actual mother. Saying words that he understood. Yeah, at two he knew what it meant even if he'd rarely heard his mother say it. With a smile sliding across his lips he bent deeply at the waist and used two hands with chubby little fingers to grab a pack. He held it firmly and nestled it into his lap. Content. No crying and screaming. For once there was nothing to cry about. No cookies to mourn. She pivoted the wheels of his stroller and began to push away but stopped. She reached over and grabbed another pack. One just for her. A treat. It was no harm. They were good for it.