three days until
I REMEMBER hitting water. I remember falling, feeling weightless. The water consumed me, bringing me under. It pushed me down, and down, and down. I really thought that was it. I remembered the liquid entering my lungs, taking me. I really thought it was going to be the end. I really thought that I'd continue falling until I was numb, and I no longer felt the world around me.
And then I woke up.
It took me a second to realise where I was. It took my a second to realise that the blinding lights above me were not an entryway to heaven, but florescent lights lightly flickering above me. It took me a second to realise that my head rested against a soft pillow and clean sheets wrapped me. I was in clean clothes, and I no longer hurt.
Soft beeps surrounded me. A heartbeat monitor... no, three. They were on different timings, one beeping slightly before and one slightly after my own heartbeat, which was the loudest one in my ears. The smell of rubbing alcohol was strong. I was in a hospital. I was alive.
I tilt my head slightly to the left. Through my blurry vision, I see Tori on the edge of Leo's bed. He was asleep, his injuries bandaged up. My sister stroked her son's hair. Isadora was curled in a chair beside her brother's bed, her arm extended to hold Leo's hand.
I tilt my head to my other side. Lysander sat upright in his bed, his left arm covered in patches. Sophia leans on his shoulder, her eyes closed. Aurora is curled in a ball at the foot of the bed, about to fall off. I see a cast on my brother's leg.
My head throbs. My body finally registers the aches in my muscles. I know there's probably morphine in my veins, numbing most of the pain. The dosage isn't enough to numb all of me.
I lift my head slightly, taking a better look around me. There are still wires sticking onto my chest, monitoring my heart. Victoria looks my direction, finally noticing I'm up. She gets up from Leo's beside. "Vera, lie back down. You're in fragile condition."
I didn't want to listen to my sister. I try to sit up, but I can barely move. And it's not because of my condition - I was physically strapped down. My hands were free and it touched a strap that went across my chest and held me onto the bed. Another ran across my waist.
No. No no no. I pulled on the strap. It didn't come off. I couldn't pull it off. My breaths became shorter, shallower. I kept tugging on it, thinking it would do something. "Let me go," I said, my throat dry, my voice hoarse. I couldn't move. I was tied to the bed.
He was coming back. He was coming back. He wanted more from me. He's gonna bring the-
Tori rushed to my side. "Vera... Vera, calm down. It's okay, nothing's going to happen to you. Breathe, Vera."
"Let me go," I shrieked. He was going to come back. He's going to climb on top of me. He's going to take my clothes off and-
"Soph, can you call a doctor?" I hear Tori's worried voice. She's sitting next to me now, her hand on my leg. "Vera. Vera calm down. You're going to hurt yourself."
There are tears rolling down my cheeks. I try to break myself out of there, pushing against the straps holding me back. "Let me go let me go let me go." My thoughts are a broken record, repeating over and over again. "Please, Tori, please. He's gonna come back. He's going to hurt me."
She tries to hold me and a push her away. I'm positive I scratch her with a fingernail. She still doesn't move away, staying beside me. I keep rocking back and forth, trying to get up. The straps around me burn my skin as I rub against them. It's the same it's the same it's the same.
They're going to hurt me they're going to hurt me they're going to hurt me.
Sophia comes back into the room, a doctor behind her. Dr. Maxwell? She returned? She held a tablet in her arms - one that probably controlled my vitals. "Your Majesty, could you maybe get up?"
Tori listens this time, and as she does, two nurses grab me by a shoulders, pinning me against the bed. I squirm, trying to break free from their grasp. I could do it. I didn't have to be held prisoner. "Let me go," I shriek again.
I can barely process what happens next. I scream as they attempt to hold me down. I could feel the energy inside me build up, stacking on top of each other. I could feel the sweat sticking to my body, the heat building inside of me.
And then - I explode. A literal explosion surrounds me. Anything glass shatters, cracks appearing in the window panes. The nurses are pushed back, stumbling back but were careful not to crash into the other two patients. I struggle to breathe.
Weirdly, I feel calmer. Numbness filled me. I know I was given a stronger dose of a sedative, and I know I'm going to crash. I still try and break free. The doctor gives my sister a worried glance.
Eventually, I stop. Victoria walks over, even though Dr. Maxwell tries to hold her back. She pulls out of the doctor's gentle grip and sits next to me. I'm still trying to get up. I need to break out. She holds my wrist, and I collapse onto the bed.
"Close your eyes, Vera," my sister said, her voice low. "You're tired. You need rest. We can talk in the morning when you're feeling better."
I shake my head. "No... no... I want..." I closed my eyes. "I want to talk to Mom."
She stays silent, trying to process what I asked of her. Victoria's hand goes up to my neck, her thumb brushing against the side of my cheek. Tears appear in the corners of her eyes and she takes a minute to glance at Lysander. I don't follow her gaze.
"Mom's dead, Vera. You know that." She gulped before continuing. "You were there..."
I'm still crying. "I want... to talk to Mom." My words are slow. I'm firm with what I needed. My sister starts to cry, shaking her head.
"She's gone, Vera. I'm sorry but she's gone."
I closed my eyes. My body shakes. "No, Tori, no. She's going to come. She sees me when I'm sick."
Victoria pulls me closer, crying. "You're delusional, Vera. She's gone."
But a soft, familiar voice cuts through our sobs. "Victoria, believe your sister once in a while."
My sister pulls away from me, not believing her ears. She doesn't look to where the voice comes from, but to my brother first. His gaze is focused on the figure in the front of the room, her flowing dress moving as she walked closer to me and my sister. She was translucent, I could see the wall behind her.
Our mother - or the ghost of her - stand in front of us. I know I'm not delusional - everyone else watches as the ghostly figure walks closer. Her eyes still sparkle, her lips still soft. She looks me in the eye, and she's sad.
"Victoria, I need a minute with your sister," our mother speaks. Her voice is as melodious as when she was alive. Her ebony locks rest on her shoulder. She was too real, too perfect, to be true. "I'm sure your brother needs your company."
Victoria stands, her eyes unable to leave Mom. Lysander took it slightly better, with him already believing in ghosts - he saw Queen Amelia in his own house. As Victoria sits down, he reaches for her hand.
My mother has her undivided attention on me. "You're in better company compared to last time." She sits down. I could feel her weight on the bed. I could feel her hand as she flips over my right arm, where the one tube on my arm travels down. The black liquid of my veins flow down it. "You handled the detox better this time."
I closed my eyes. I didn't want to face the truth again, I just wished I had control over myself again, but I ended up like this again. "I relapsed again," I whispered, closing my eyes.
"It was bound to happen, baby." I could feel my mother's ghostly fingers moving the hair away from my face. "It wasn't your fault this time, Vera."
I gulped. This time. "Take me with you, Mom." I opened my eyes, which were watering. "Take me with you, please."
My mom purses her lips. "I don't understand, Vera."
"Yes, you do," I argue. "You do, because I ask you every time. I want to die, Mom. The universe doesn't let me die." I paused, taking a breath. "I want to go with you. I want to be with you and Dad and no matter what I try, I can't." I begin to sob.
"Vera, honey, you don't mean that." Lyra Carmicheal tries to shake some sense into her daughter. She tries her best to convince me.
"Four attempts, three overdoses-" I pause, gaping for air. "-A handful of near-death experiences, most which weren't accidental. I don't want to live with myself anymore. I don't deserve to live. I'm better off dead, Mom. Why am I not dead?"
Victoria buries her face in Lysander's chest. She can't deal with the words coming from my mouth. But my mother has heard this all from me before. "You aren't better off dead, Vera. Think about your siblings, Vera. Your nieces and nephews. Your friends."
"If I killed myself, then the last time they would see me would be when I was eight. My body would've been found eventually. I'd have my funeral. I'd be at peace."
My mother gave me a look that I couldn't read. "Are you telling me that you would've been at peace with the entire kingdom in the wrong family's hand?"
"The whole point of marrying Tori to the king was to already be close to the king. She could've easily taken the throne from there." My voice was more of a growl now. "The only fucking reason why I'm involved is because she was born a couple months early. I didn't have to exist. I don't deserve to exist. I hurt so many people."
I'm breaking down. I'm losing myself. I can't do this.
"No one's capable of loving me. I don't deserve to be loved." My lip quivers. "I'm fractured and broken and a pain in the ass in whoever's lives I'm apart of. I don't deserve to be cared for and I don't deserve to be loved by people who don't deserve to be burdened by me." I look over to my siblings. They shouldn't have gone through so much trouble with me. They should've just left me alone. "And what friends, Mom? I don't have any, not anymore."
"Atticus..."
Atticus, who wasn't even here right now. Atticus, who claimed he loved me. "I ruined his relationship. I hurt him more than once. I'm at fault for Leo's capture. I'm at fault for Lysander's broken leg. I'm at fault for the mental scars that are probably going to torment them for the rest of their lives."
My chest tightened and put an arm around it. I don't let anyone touch me. "No one is capable of loving me. I'm a burden. I'm not a queen, nor will I ever be. I'm a mess, Mom."
She grabbed my hand. "One day, you will be queen. One day, things will get better. You'll be happy, and you'll be with someone that loves you very much. You'll have children that will bring joy to your life-"
Joy. Was that what I brought my mother? If that was the case, why am I like this? Because my mother certainly didn't bring joy to my life.
"Do you know why I'm a mess?" I asked, looking my mother's ghost in the eye. "Do. You. Know. Why. I'm. A. Mess." I stretch each word. "You. You're the reason why I'm a mess."
She backs away, as if I could hurt her. She's a ghost, for god's sake. "Vera, baby-"
"Did you abandon me, Mom?" Ansen's remarks haunted me for years. Now I needed the answers. "Did you leave me in the forest and claim that I was lost? Did you get rid of me because of a stupid prophecy? Did you - and Dad - single handedly ruin Lysander and Victoria's life after that by killing yourself for this?"
My mom hesitates. She wasn't supposed to hesitate.
"You're a liar," I spat. "Are you happy now? Are you happy seeing your child in front of you, broken? Are you happy knowing that my life was shit, just like you wanted it to end up, so that I somehow become queen. Are you happy realising that you ruined everything and everything good that was possible for me, because of a prophecy?"
The room stayed quiet. Everything was still. My mother didn't have a response to my question... and that's what broken me. That's what made my heart shatter. Because if I got lost, then the explanation would be simple. But my mother got rid of me.
"Do you realise what he did to me?"
Lyra Carmicheal stood up from her seat on my bed. She walked over to Lysander and her ghost planted a kiss on his forehead. She does the same to Tori. She doesn't kiss me goodbye. She doesn't hold me.
She walks to the front of the room. "One day, you will make a phenomenal queen, baby girl. But only after you learn to control yourself. After you learn your value to yourself."
My mother disappears before my eyes, as if she was never in the room in the first place. But her presence still lingered in the air. Our argument left its mark.
I stayed quiet. I let the rage build inside of me. At this point, I was a ticking bomb waiting to explode.
Victoria returns to my side. She forces me to lie back down and I don't have to energy to argue. She sniffs as she wipes away my tears. "I love you, Vera."
I shook my head. No, she didn't. She was just saying that. I'm still better off dead.
She kisses my forehead as I feel my body grow heavy. Her fingers stay entwined in mine as I begin to drift.
"We're all here for you, Vera. We love you more than you think we do. All we want is for you to get better."
I nod slowly before I let the darkness swallow me.