TW: This chapter contains content depicting sexual assault which may be triggering and not suitable for all readers.
If you've experienced sexual abuse or assault, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the National Sexual Assault and Abuse Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit www.rainn.org.
"Oh gosh!" I squirmed in my seat and clutched Harper's arm. Jake leaned forward in his seat and smiled from the other side of her. He hadn't stopped smiling since he got home from tryouts.
"Youngest on the team, hmm?" Harper teased and patted his hand. "Hope that means you won't be the most hazed tonight."
He lifted his eyes to our driver, one of the team's starters. "Probably will be."
Music beats filled my ears as Jake opened the door and helped Harper, then me out. I smoothed my damp hands over my skirt, took a deep breath, and followed them into whoever's house this was.
No more than four steps in, I saw him. With one look, he sucked the breath from my lungs. Soft brown eyes drew me like ants to a sugar cube. The thrummed bass beats were drowned out by the ones in my chest. I stood no chance and melted on the spot under his smoldering gaze. Burning eyes saw me from across the room and seconds later he was near me.
Two hours of prep tonight with Harper? Totally worth it.
"Hey..." His tongue dragged over his lower lip as he took an appreciative look.
The instant flash of attraction in those warm brown eyes was mutual, at least based on how my heart felt like it wanted to burst through my chest.
"Hi." I shook his extended hand, hoping my knees didn't knock together. Wherever he looked, my body tingled as if his fingers caressed my skin.
He was hot from a distance but up close? The details were overwhelming. Intense gaze, wide smile, straight teeth, broad shoulders, strong jaw, corded neck muscles, styled sandy brown hair, warm brown eyes so deep that I drowned myself in them – my eyes didn't know where to land.
He was a football player for sure. Confidence oozed from his tall frame and chiseled physique. But he wasn't just a football player, he was the football player. Ryder Stevens was the starting quarterback and captain of the team. The most popular kid in our school, Ryder could've been with anyone. His arm flung across my shoulders and he led me inside.
Guess tonight he chose me. Me, Eleanor Harrison, a freshman nobody. My heart thumped faster than the music beats in my chest. The smirks from other players and glares from girls as the crowd parted for him were even better.
"Hey," his smooth, baritone voice washed over my ear with his warm breath, both of which sent chills down my spine. "I'm Ryder."
"I know." I returned his smile as his large, calloused hand wrapped around mine. "Ellie."
Up close, his commanding presence was overwhelming. My knees swayed to their own song and my breaths shortened. His attention was addictive, and that night it was mine. I was so lucky; the hottest, playboy football player was into me. Me. He was everything that the rumors claimed he was - sweet, attentive, and wanted to know everything about me. Not that I had much to tell him, but he absorbed all of my filler babble.
And then... he kissed me.
My first kiss was perfect. The soft, feathered sensations of his lips on mine made my heart flip, my eyes flutter, and my body quake. I couldn't believe it. Ryder Stevens, the senior quarterback on Jake's new team, kissed me! I wanted to fly out of my skin and soar into the heavens.
In between soft promises and reassurances of his affection, Ryder kissed me with a feathered touch of his lips until mine were numb and tingly. He stopped for a smoke break, giving me time to rub my swollen lips.
"Wow." Harper's eyes sparkled at me. "Guess you caught his attention."
"I know," I whispered and squeezed her elbows.
"Ellie." Ryder leaned down and smashed his lips hard against mine. He picked up like he never left, which felt amazing except now he smelled and tasted of mint-coated menthol.
He led me up to, well, here. I wasn't sure how we got inside some abandoned bedroom, but we couldn't stay much longer. Not without regrets. No matter how attracted I was to him, we had to stop.
"Ellie, you're so hot." A few breaths fanned over my cheeks, and his deep voice slurred as if these words were a compliment. His rough and calloused hands were sandpaper on my skin. He ran them up my bare arms, over my shoulders, and up the sides of my neck until his long fingers rested on my jawline. His fingers cupped my warm cheeks with a hard grasp, his brown eyes clouding and his pupils rounding.
"Ryder." I leaned back when his hands lowered, grabbed my waist, and pulled my hips closer to his pelvis. My heart plummeted in an invisible rush, and I palmed his chest. "I'm not ready for this."
"Trust me, babe. You'll love it."
He bent down, and almost bent me over backward with a rough kiss. Our position no longer felt as exciting as when making out on the stairs. He tasted like a combination of cheap, watered-down beer and an ashtray. His tongue stabbed the roof of my mouth.
I almost gagged at his invasion and each sharp drag of his tongue over mine. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. What was he doing? A definite shift happened, but to what? Uncertainty pooled in my stomach, racing my pulse up into my ears. I didn't know this version of Ryder, what this was between us, but I didn't like either. He was rougher and more insistent. Was he bored with me already?
"Please. I want to do this slowly." I pulled back, then kissed him. "Slowly."
"Slowly..." That deep voice echoed the unfamiliar word. His hands grabbed the back of my head and he kissed me again. He already tugged off his T-shirt; his toned, chiseled muscles tensed under his smooth, hot skin.
With one shift of his hips, a wall of chest muscles pressed into me. Meek in comparison, my body flinched under the intensity shift in his movements. Gone were the delicate holds and strokes, replaced with grabs and pinches.
"Ellie... you did this." He pointed at the hardness in his jeans. With a groan, his hips bucked up, and pressed his clothed dick into my palm. "So, you need to fix it."
"I..." I swallowed the dryness coating my tongue. This was the first time I touched someone like this. It felt foreign and unfamiliar. I didn't like it and tugged my hand, but his fingers pinched my wrist in place. "I can't."
"You can. Or I can ruin your next four years here at Santa Cruz. Or maybe Jake's?" He smirked when my mouth gaped. Under his tight grasp, the hairs on my forearm pricked up. He grew harder the more his hips bucked into my hand. The roughness of his jeans rubbed warm friction into the soft flesh of my palm.
"You don't want the whole school hearing that you're nothing but a tease. Or find out that your pathetic loser brother's now benched to the JV practice team, do you?"
Jake!
He could help. Where was he?
The last I saw of Jake was when two varsity players dragged him into the kitchen with fistfuls of beer cans and a funnel.
My mouth was rendered inoperable and my brain froze on overdrive. I had no answer because I had no words. I didn't know what this situation was anymore, but it was anything but love. Where was the guy who tenderly held me on the stairs? Who kissed me sweetly, as if I was the most important person in the world? Who looked at me with warmth, not darkness in his eyes?
"I'm not having sex with you, Ryder," I whispered. My blood chilled and rushed faster through my veins. Disgust stirred inside me and I removed my hand from his crotch. I didn't want to touch him there under coercion, not for the first time.
My first time was supposed to be special, with angels singing and doves flying out of my vagina.
Or, at the least, I wanted to be loved. Shouldn't I feel cherished, not manhandled like a lion eating a steak? Whatever this was, I felt anything but special. Forced and dirty maybe, but not special.
My dry lips parted and my voice came out soft and broken. "Th-That's not what I want."
With a tight clench in my hips, he picked me up as if I was weightless. With a grunt, he dropped me on the bed. My mouth dropped open but not even a squeak came out.
Softness pressed into my lower back, a fluffy, navy blue comforter, but I was anything but comfortable. I pushed his hard shoulder and tried to slide up onto the bed. His large hands shackled my wrists, pinching the skin as he raised my arms until my upper arms pressed into my ears.
Even seated, Ryder towered over me. His stone-hard chest muscles pressed into my face. A wall of heat, scented with cigarettes, sweat, and beer, overpowered me as he forced me back onto the bed.
No. Oh no, no, no.
Awareness screamed through my mind, locking my body into a corpse. Every muscle fiber pulled taut and fear seeped into my skin until it soaked my bones.
Pinning my wrists in one hand, he knelt, and shoved my dress above my hipsI tried to squeeze my legs closed, but he was too strong. His knees parted mine open, vulnerable, and exposed.
My heart lurched down my throat and my breath burned in my lungs. I swallowed hard.
"But I am going to tell everyone I fucked you." Absent of their earlier warmth, his eyes were dark and hooded above me. "And for your sake, I'll add that you were amazing."
No. He can't - this is between us.
"Ryder, no." My voice came out quiet and meek, as a mouse squeak.
I struggled again, tugging at my hands. A silent gasp passed through my lips from the burn of his fingers squeezing my wrists. I twisted and wriggled, but he tightened his grip until pain erupted from the pinch of skin.
My lower lip trembled between the words, "Puh-please, don't do this..."
At the end of a vertical sliver of light, the door was cracked open. If I screamed, would anyone hear me?
"Don't even think about it, Ellie." His large palm grabbed my jaw and pulled my face back to his. He was inches away, his breath in short, sharp pants. A desperate, dark look hung in his eyes as if he'd made a decision from which there was no turning back. "No one will hear you but, if they did, no one cares."
The details terrified me every time I saw them. His smirk shifted to a menacing, sinister grimace. His hot breath raised goosebumps on the skin of my neck and washed over me in hot, sharp waves. My skin chilled like ice. The sickening excitement in his voice.
"You want this too."
This was wrong. So, so wrong. I didn't want this!
"No, no, no..." I whimpered and arched my back, but couldn't move. He was too heavy and too strong. His hand pinched my wrists and he released a shuddered breath.
"Relax."
My spine locked up when he traced and outline of my mouth. His eyes shifted darker, to his real intentions. "This is what I really want."
Right then, when I needed to act the most, my body became a statue. The shock of what had already happened dropped a weight in my stomach. His eyes darted to the path he drew around my mouth like a target. What he intended to happen next pierced through me, stabbing me with a thousand tiny needles. A cold, soul-freezing chill raised goosebumps on my skin. Ryder's true intentions hit me like I was doused in an ice bath.
His knees bracketed my hips. I wanted to scratch the horrible look of satisfaction and desire off his face. But my fingers couldn't move. I wanted to kick him off me, but my legs were dead tree stumps. I wanted to scream but my throat choked itself. His hand bound my wrist while the other removed his belt, then unbuttoned his jeans.
I trembled with involuntary spasms. With one flinch, the corners of his lips curled up. The cold look in his eyes burned with heat and his face flushed red. A challenge danced in his eyes.
He enjoyed this. My pain. My fear. My humiliation.
I wished for the bed to swallow me up. It didn't. Someone, anyone, come and save me! No one came. Nothing happened except what was happening to me. A horrible expression on his face, want, need, and cruel intentions mixed into how much worse he intended things to get.
My breath hitched when he leaned over. He pressed one more kiss onto my lips. It was so tender, I'd never been more scared.
When my teary eyes slid closed, a loud noise popped into my ears. The door flung open with a bang, followed by heavy, shuffled footsteps.
"Yo, Ryder! You in here?" With stumbled stomps and silver flashes from a beer can in hand, another football player burst in.
His eyes frowned at my exposure. I begged him with my eyes. Help. Get me out. "What the fuck -" The metal can in his hand crunched in his fist.
"Get out, asshole!" Ryder cursed. "Can't you see I'm -"
The word 'asshole' broke my frozen spell. I rammed my knee up behind his balls as forcefully as my leg moved. He grunted, but my knee slam wasn't hard enough to do more than retract his fingers from my face and loosen his grip on my wrists. I squirmed, rolled one wrist away free, then punched his very hard dick.
Ryder's reaction was instantaneous; he doubled over. The vibrations from his loud groans pierced my eardrums, and he cupped himself with both hands. I rolled off the bed, where my knees burned from the carpet. With fast movements, I pulled up my clothes and scrambled to the open door.
"Fucking little bitch," Ryder's enraged curse vibrated the walls.
Rounded over with both hands cupping his groin, he lifted his head with a strained grunt. His face flushed red from his forehead to chin and his eyes were dark, hooded, and full of promises that made me stumble backward.
"I'm going to make sure no guy at this school will ever want you."
"Fuck you! You fucking football asshole rapist!" were the words I wished to say. They were the words that he deserved. Instead, his threat drove shivers down my back.
All that escaped were weak and strained whispers. "I don't care."
Without looking back, I sprinted away. Tears blurred the hallway's shut doors. With unsteady gasps, I slammed the door behind me.
"Oh, my Gawd."
I gasped and shot up with a jolt. My heart thundered vibrations through my chest walls and ribs and my pajamas clung to my skin from sweat. The sheets tangled around my legs, ensnaring them like trapped prey.
With shaky movements, I untangled each leg and drew them in. With my knees hugged to my chest, I heaved slow, raspy breaths until my pounding heart slowed. Trembles quivered my lower lip, across my shoulders, and trickled down my spine.
Stop it, Ellie. Just a nightmare.
Fuck, again.
Tears blurred the time on my clock: 3:23, enough time left to wake up and feel like I hadn't gotten any sleep. But there was no going back to sleep.
I threaded my fingers through my hair and clenched at the roots. Fuck you, world! My forehead throbbed from the repeat reel of haunting images. Flash after flash made my fingers press harder. I wanted to claw the details out of my brain, but I couldn't.
What woke me up wasn't a nightmare. It was a memory. A very troubling memory, which I hadn't thought about in more than a year, haunted me. Again.
The same eroded confidence and self-esteem, as if they never existed, shook me until my sheets rustled where I sat. That memory changed me in high school. It pushed me away from every subsequent set of eyes looking at me with the same level of interest. My back hitched with a wheezy rasp and my lungs burned.
Breathe, Ellie.
With my knees tucked to my chest, I breathed until my heartbeat slowed. My nerves settled down, breath by breath, to be replaced by heat bubbling up, and spilling out in hot tears. They flowed freely, soaking my cheeks. Uncontrollable shudders shook me from shoulders to hips, blurring my blankets into fuzzy forms.
Once the shaking subsided, anger surged up inside me. Heat burned under my skin and I glared at the space between my knees. Three years later, the truth still chewed my insides like a severe stomach ache. I was a stupid, naïve girl who craved a guy's attention. An idiot who thought that a sense of worth came from being with someone whose intentions were stripping every ounce of dignity from me.
Eighteen months since my last nightmare, and now I'd had two. I cupped my shaky hands cupped over my ears. A fresh set of tears appeared and burned the obvious question through my foggy brain.
Why now?