Today is officially the worst day of my life I got myself together and prepared to get dressed. I went into the bathroom took a shower washed my face and brush my teeth then went in my closet to look for something to wear. I ended up putting on this black dress a hat and my favorite church shoes. I can't believe it's been a week since I lost Pac and it's been a week of Hell. As I sat for awhile to gather my thoughts something told me to get myself together so I put my shades on grabbed my purse locked the door and left. It was sooo many people there, mostly fans. I saw a few celebrities there but one in particular was Jada Pinkett. She looked almost worst than me. I mean not in the looks area of course but mentally she was torn to pieces. I walked into the church and the pain from just being there began to unfold into something bigger. Battling the tears in my eyes trying hard to stay together was killing me. I finally saw Janet and she looked beautiful I sat right next to her in the back.
Toni
Hey
Janet
Hey Tone you okay?
Toni
I'm fine just tryna stay strong
Janet
Awww that's right you gotta stay strong for Pac. He loves you and I know he wants you to be happy.
Toni
*nods head
The funeral began
As the choir and tributes and whatever went by it was finally time to view the body. People went up there row by row and finally it was time for our row to go. Janet grabbed my hand and we walked up there trying hard not to make a scene. The closer we got to his casket the more the tears dropped from my eyelids. I saw my baby laying there and I lost it. I fainted in front of everyone because I was in so much disbelief that my baby is now gone. Why is this happening to me. I can't deal.
Janet
Toni wake up baby wake up
Janet and a few others carried me out the church and gave me some tissue and water. It just wasn't enough to make me feel better as I sat there I finally gave the courage needed to get back up and go back in the church. I sat in the back and made it through the whole service.
After the funeral, many people came to me asking was I okay and others looked at me crazy saying things like Why is she here? Did she even know him like that? She just acting looking like a fool fainting over someone she barely know. Yes it hurts to hear people say such things but I ignored them because hiding our relationship in the past has made it even harder now to reveal our secret love affair.
Janet
Toni?
Toni
Huh?
Janet
You okay?
Toni
Yea
Janet
Aww *leaning in for a hug
Toni
*sniffs
Janet
Let's go I'll make you dinner
_______________________________________
Toni
Janet What are you doing?
Janet
Cooking?
Toni
Cooking what...!!! That looks like slop...!!!
Janet
*sigh
You really tried it Toni
Toni
No you tried it
Janet
Whatever I bet you won't eat since you don't like this.
Toni
Aww you mad at me Jan?
Janet
Nooooo
Toni
Awww Mwahh you know I love you
Janet
Ugh Toni why did you put your wet lips on my face.
Toni
I just kissed you on the cheek
Janet
Don't do it again until you wipe your mouth
Toni
Hahaha
Janet
So how are you feeling?
Toni
I'm better.
Janet
Just look at the bright side Toni you have a little Tupac or Tupaca on the way
Toni
Ohhhh hell Naw I know better if I name anything Tupaca.
Janet
*laughs
Toni
But I can't have this baby
Janet
What you mean you can't?
Toni
I don't know anything about a baby
Janet
Come on Tone you had five younger siblings I'm pretty sure you know something.
Toni
No I don't. I don't even want kids right now and I don't want nothing reminding me of Pac because it's only gonna make me sadder.
Janet
Look that's why you got me I can help you Toni
Toni
No I'm serious I don't want kids at All
Janet
Thennnnnn what you gonna do Tone I mean you already pregnant there's nothing you can do now
Toni
I'm thinking about getting a......
Janet
A what?
Toni
An abortion
Janet
AN ABORTION...!!! uh uh Toni now you're talking crazy. Really ain't no way in HELL imma let you do this to this Baby.
Toni
But what about me why doesn't anyone care about how I feel imma doing this for me
Janet
I'm not letting you kill this baby
Toni
I'm not killing it I'm freeing it from a horrible life with a washed up miserable ass 29 year old who doesn't know anything about life and children. It doesn't deserve to live like this I'm trying to be helpful.
Janet
Nooooo Toni that's selfish. You're saying you're tryna help but you don't know how your life will turn out with a baby. Okay you're young I get that but you have to grow that's how you learn you can't just give it all up because YOU'RE depressed. Pac would HATE to hear you say that. He would probably cuss you the fuck out.
Toni
* sigh
It's hard Jan
Janet
Look I'm here by your side no matter what and I wouldn't say anything to hurt you or make you feel bad. I love you and I love what you're becoming but I cannot let you tear yourself apart especially not by letting someone take this baby's life.
Toni
I love you too
_____________________________________
The Next day
Knock Knock
Toni
Who is it?
Babyface
It's me Ken
Toni
*opens door
Babyface
Hey
Toni
Hey what are you doing here?
Babyface
Just checking up on you can I get a hug or something.
Toni
Ohhhh yea sure *leaning in for a hug
Babyface
Thank you I brought you some flowers and some food
Toni
Ohhh pasta my favorite thanks
Babyface
Yea so how you feeling?
Toni
I'm better
Babyface
Still a little depressed?
Toni
Yea it's just so hard
Babyface
I know how you feel
Toni
Yea very difficult
Babyface
Wow you're already starting to poke out a little
Toni
How when I just got pregnant
Babyface
I don't know it might just be fat
Toni
Ughh I hate this
Babyface
You might have to lay off from music a little while
Toni
Why...!!!
Babyface
You don't want to tire your body out that's not good for the baby
Toni
Oh my fucking gosh if I here one more thing about this baby imma go crazy
Babyface
What are you talking about?
Toni
I never wanted kids and I sure as hell can't raise one I mean it's not for me I can't do this
Babyface
Look I have a son I can help you baby
Toni
*sigh
I don't wanna talk about this anymore please
Babyface
Fine
Toni
*sniffs
Babyface
*grabs hand
It's gonna be okay I got you through it all.
Toni
Why?
Babyface
What?
Toni
This...!!! Why do you care so much I mean I understand you like me but I just lost my "fiancé" I'm depressed and I'm pregnant. What do you want with a chick like me.
Babyface
I don't know it's something about you I never felt about a woman before. I'm in love with you Toni.
Toni
Please save the Bullshit you don't love me you're just trying to hit it like every other Man in this world.
Babyface
If I was trying to "hit it" I wouldn't be here trying to support you
Toni
Whatever
Babyface
I'm serious Toni
Toni
I'm serious too Ken
Babyface
I don't even know why I waste my time with you. A man only wants to love you and you're acting crazy
Toni
I'm sorry
Babyface
It's okay
Toni
You're a great guy and I...I don't know
Babyface
Well um check this out we have a concert coming up and you should introduce your new single there
Toni
You talking about Unbreak My Heart?
Babyface
Yesss
Toni
Really Ken I mean like you JUST said I need to lay off from music
Babyface
I know I probably sound crazy but it just slipped my mind.
Toni
So now you want me to do a concert? You never thought I was about to do a show at this point
Babyface
Look I know it's kind of soon but you gotta remember I'm still a business man and you're still an artist and your career might fall if you don't put out any music
Toni
But
Babyface
But nothing be at the studio tomorrow 9 o'clock A.S.A.P.
Toni
Ken
Babyface
Mwahh I love you but work comes first at this point
Toni
Don't leave Kenneth Babyface Edmunds we're not through talking...!!!
Babyface
Bye Toni Braxton
Toni
Whatever
As I watched Ken leave I saw a picture of Pac sitting on my dresser. I stared at it and smiled because it just brought back memories. Now I know how it really feels to lose a love one.
I finally went to sleep but I woke up shortly after because I kept having this feeling that someone was watching over me. They say when you think about someone for so long you have dreams about them or hear their voice and it gets creepy after awhile.
I sat and thought to myself trying to force myself to go back to sleep and it's hard. By the time I went to sleep it was time to get up and go to work. My alarm ranged and after 15 minutes I finally hopped in the shower and prepared myself to leave and go to work. I locked my front door and drove to the studio. When I got there I saw L.A. and Pebbles, his wife, but no Babyface.
Toni
GoodMorning everyone where's Ken
Pebbles
GoodMorning umm he hasn't made it yet
Toni
How he gone tell me to be on time when he's not even here his damn self
Babyface
Because you're the artist
Toni
Ken you scared me
Babyface
Uhh huh caught you tryna talk shit. GoodMorning everyone
L.A. Reid
Hey man glad you made it
Babyface
Soooo um Toni What's that stuff you was talking a few minutes ago?
Toni
Let's just focus on this song for now
Babyface
Ohhhh okay I see
We stayed in the studio for a good 2 hours before he finally let us go.
Pebbles
Oh no Toni you need to hit the gym it looks like you have a little pug in your stomach.
Toni
Ohhhh that's.... It's nothing
I was about to blurt out my secret but I finally caught myself in action. I don't want anyone knowing I'm pregnant because I don't know whether I'm going through with the abortion. I mean like I don't want everyone to know because people are so judgemental and it can affect my career in the long run.
Pebbles
Well um baby you should clear that Fat you gotta stay slim and healthy
Toni
I got you I will make sure I do that
Pebbles
Good
Babyface
See you later Pebbles
Pebbles
Bye Ken bye Toni
Toni
Bye
L.A. and Pebbles left and it was just me and Ken in the studio. We discussed the concert and how everything was going to go. It was more of a benefit concert at that. Not so much as a Toni Braxton concert but other artists would be there as well.
Babyface
So we're all set
Toni
Yess umm see you later
Babyface
Toni come here what's up with you?
Toni
What?
Babyface
You have to smile at least once I mean I know you're still hurt but I promise if you'd just enjoy the life God has given YOU everything else would just fall into place. Pick your head up baby please. Even Tupac said you gotta Keep Your Head Up.
Toni
*laughs
Babyface
There we go finally a smile
Toni
I just been thinking a lot to where I forgot about everything else
Babyface
I feel you
Toni
Yea well thanks I guess I'll be going now
Babyface
Okay
Toni
Bye
Babyface
Hey Stop thinking and start living. You have so much to live for *looks at her stomach
When Ken said that I wanted to see scream because I'm tired of hearing about this baby. It seems like it's all people really care about like what about me and how I feel. I would rather be alone. I don't know maybe I'm officially emotionally depressed....