"I was assigned to you for a high profile assassination. Usually I could do these kind of missions on my own, but this one was different because SHIELD was involved. I talked to you over an earpiece and you seemed to have a mission you were already on because you were short and gruff with me." I recant watching him carefully for any signs of recognition.
"Go on." He says prompting me to continue.
"I was in route to Las Vegas when I was struck down by a bolt of lightning. Because of the shock my body was under I fell from the sky and crashed in the desert. It was a military controlled zone code named "The Kill Zone." Supposedly if you were caught up in the radar range you were shot down or if you trespassed you were shot; however, I was only shortly detained. I pretended to be a skydiver who landed and had gotten lost. While it seemed to work for a short time, a man in spandex kept questioning me. He could see through my lies and I have a feeling he knew then that I was a HYDRA agent. I was in coms with you at the time, I was trying to let you know that I had crashed and was in a small situation."
"It sounds familiar but I can't quite pin it down." He says as he concentrates on chasing the memory.
"I knew that they wouldn't let me go so I fought my way out of the situation and flew into Las Vegas. You grabbed me and pulled me into an alley. You told me there were SHIELD agents in the hotel we were to stay at. I had informed you that I had met two in the desert but if I didn't talk and changed my appearance a little that they wouldn't recognize me. Do you remember that?"
"Not really but something tells me that it happened. "
"You led me into the hotel and got our key. In our room you helped pull the bullet out and you got me shoes for the party that night. You helped zip up my dress, you were kind. You said that when you were away from HYDRA for some time you mellow out. We met someone named Tony in the elevator on the way to the party but we didn't get off with him. We rode the elevator back up and down again. You said you didn't think you could forget the ghost of someone you killed. And I, of course, made some witty remark."
"I think, I do remember that. You wore a black halter dress and you wore contacts for your eyes. We danced at the party, and then you danced with someone else while I stole away the target. I took her to the room upstairs and I was about to kill her when she stopped me. I can't remember anything after that."
"Yeah I did wear the black dress. It was highly uncomfortable, but I digress. Our target had a chip embedded in her skin that would send out classified files if her heart stopped. So, we took it out of her and put it in me so that she couldn't release more information about HYDRA. However I had to stay behind because of the built in tracker. I thought I was going to die that night."
"I called Jesse, because I read in your file that he was a contact of your that specialized in encrypted data and technological advancements. He came and deactivated the chip but also relocated where the signal would ping for the GPS tracker. We got you out of there and you called in the hit."
"We went back to the hotel to pack up and head out but our room was ransacked by SHIELD agents."
"You told me to exit through the window and hold on to the windowsill. You flew us away from there and dropped me off. You winked at me..."
"You went to Siberia and I went to Chicago. I was labeled a traitor and tortured. I was sentenced to die because when I fell into the kill zone, the shield agents alerted the target we were hunting and she fed them locations of our bases."
"I had no idea."
"SHIELD bombed the base and I ran but was caught by Steve and Natasha. I was taken to SHIELD HQ and you were sent after me."
"Steve... I know that name, I read about him in the museum."
"Steve was your friend back before your lost your arm. He was your best friend. I spent a lot of time with Steve, Sam, and Natasha. He told me about you."
"I don't- I can't remember him." He says sightly dropping his head.
"It's okay, it'll come in time. Don't push yourself. What happened to you when you got to Serbia?"
"I went under, I had my brain scrambled again and again. I had orders to hunt and kill you for being a traitor to HYDRA, I remember that. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I found you."
"Oh you know just the usual. Broken ankle, shattered collarbone, dislocated finger or two. Nothing to be sorry for, you did get beaten half to death on my account so apology accepted. Hey do you think there's wine here?" I say changing the subject for a second.
"In the kitchen second cabinet to the left." Buck says with a small smile. I get up and go to the kitchen. I pull two wine glasses and open the cabinet. Rosé wine, the best wine.
"Hey this is the good stuff. Do you want a glass?" I ask trying to pull the cork out.
"I'm okay, thanks though." He answers and I finally open the wine. I pour myself half a glass of wine and return to my seat.
"So what else do you want to know?" I ask taking small sips from my glass.
"What was your life like before?" His question makes me ponder my history.
"Before what exactly?" I question trying to get specific.
"Before HYDRA."
"There was nothing before HYDRA. I think I was born into it. I'm not really sure, I was always a low ranking agent. I didn't really have friends but my comrades tolerated me I guess. I didn't really socialize much, it was hard fitting in and being accepted. It's like they all knew something about me that I didn't. What about you? If you think you can remember."
"I was a soldier with Steve Rogers."
"You learned that at the museum?"
"Yeah. I don't really know much about my past that I haven't read about from other sources."
"It's okay, it'll all come in time don't rush it."
"I'm glad I remember something that's my own. Even if it is small."
"Baby steps... baby steps." I say taking another sip from my glass.
"Tell me how you met Jesse." He says looking at me expectantly. I shake my head vigorously.
"That's a story for a different day. Trust me." I say wanting to get on a different subject.
"Bad?"
"...not exactly... but... another time." I say with a closed eye smile. "I'll tell you about Giovanni instead. He was the son of the Mob boss Antonio Graffanino. Giovanni was a naive man in the beginning. He didn't know what he was born into especially when dealing with HYDRA. His father was doing dealing behind HYDRA's back and spreading his ideals to his son. Which is why I was assigned to take him out. I didn't know he had a son, until HYDRA sent me back to assess the effectiveness of the agent that was to groom Giovanni. Gio showed me the world of Rome, it's secrets and it's gifts. I grew attached to Giovanni quickly because I empathized with him. We got close, intimate even. When Giovanni took over the family business, HYDRA called me back. I never told Giovanni about his father, but he found out anyway..."
"You loved him."
"I did."
"It must have been hard for you to face him again, after HYDRA fell."
"It was. I was hoping to let him ease into the pain, but he dived in. He's the one I went to for the supplies. I came back and you were gone."
"I see. I'm sorry about calling you a liar. I wish I could take it back, but I can't."
"It's okay, you went through hell, I can understand where you were coming from."
"I still want to know more about you, if you don't mind. Whatever you're comfortable with." He says still intrigued with my past.
"Okay, um let's see. I started training at a very young age; in fact my earliest memories are just training. Conditioning, mental conditioning which every HYDRA asset had to go through. It was terrifying for all of us. The blackout, the recollection. I hated it, I've never felt so out of control in my life. It was like riding in the backseat of your own life. You know exactly what I'm talking about." He nods along with my story, agreeing with me at each step. "I remember one of my more important missions was to take down a small government in Monaco. I was given 24 hours to do it and I've never felt such a rush in my life. I mean looking back it was obviously a bad thing to do, but at the time it was invigorating."
"Do you think we've gone too far? Can we make up for the damage we've done?"
"I think you're redeemable. You weren't in control."
"But I did it."
"I know, but it wasn't you. It was the asset, you were being controlled."
"Does that really make a difference? I still did it."
"Buck-"
"James. Call me James." He tells me, and I smile a little bit at the ground I've gained with him.
"James, you're a great man. Don't let your past define you, it's what you do now that matters." I say to him leaving myself out.
"What about you?"
"It's different for me. You didn't have a choice, I did. I wasn't being controlled like you were. I wasn't a switch they flipped. I willingly did what I did, most of the time. They rarely triggered me, so my actions were most of the time were my own. I don't think I can be redeemed, truly redeemed."
"You were blindly loyal to the wrong cause, you were born into it. They were your family, I don't think that constitutes as being nonredeemable."
"I killed people, toppled governments, inserted agents, I did bad stuff buck- James. I can't undo that."
"I did too, regardless of what state I was in. If you say I'm redeemable, then so are you."
"My path of redemption is longer than yours."
"No, we will spend the rest of our lives making up for what we've done." I nod in agreement while I try to squelch the shame that's ever growing inside of me.
"Enough about the past for now. What about the future? What will we do now?" I ask. I feel like we're running out of time and I have no idea why.