Remus didn't know a whole lot about polite wizarding society however one thing he did know was how terrible a term mudblood was and even if Black did apologize, it didn't change the fact he said it in the first place. It sort of made him cold and creeped out inside, and helped his decision of not being friends with them anymore. He wasn't sure if Pettigrew knew, but Potter did and was still friends with Black so... he was just as gross.
Monday was spent ignoring looks Black sent his way and during lunch when the three stooges tried to sit with him he actually got up and went to sit with Evans, Colgate, and Inkwood. He could see Black's puzzled face out of the corner of his eye and there was a momentary flash of guilt and then... He actually used the M word. To Struthers's FACE!
After Defense Remus was the first to leave and walked off at a quick, purposeful stride. Black easily caught up with him, grabbing hold of his arm to spin him around. "Hey, Lupin, we were going to play sphinxes again, wanna be our fourth?" Black smiled. Behind him Potter looked bored and Pettigrew looked anxious.
"No," Remus said so darkly that Potter stopped mid-yawn and snapped his mouth shut, eyes going wide. "And don't touch me." He shook Black's filthy hand off his arm and returned to his brisk pace.
"What was that about?" Potter asked when he felt Remus was far enough down the hall.
"No idea..." Black muttered.
"I think he's mad at you, he was glaring at you last night," Pettigrew said.
"Brilliant observation there," Black grumbled and Pettigrew mumbled under his breath that Remus couldn't hear. "Guess he's just in a bad mood. Come on, let's go outside then."
*
Black tried talking to Remus that evening, and again in the morning. Can't take a hint, Remus thought as he made his way to Transfiguration class. The three stooges were several paces behind Remus and he could feel Black watching him. He decided, in that moment, that Black's eyes felt different from anyone else. It gave him a sort of burning sensation. Maybe cause they almost seem silver sometimes, he thought with a slight laugh to himself, as if that could be the case (still, he had to admit, Black's eye color made him a wee bit anxious on occasion; as did Silverlocke's name. Stupid, but it's how he felt.).
After class, Remus left so quickly he forgot his text book. Grumbling to himself, he turned in the hall and headed back past the other students, surprised not to see the three idiots. He discovered why once he got to the classroom door and heard voices on the other side. Talking about him. He hesitated then bent in, listening.
"...ere's something wrong with Mr. Lupin?" McGonagall asked.
"He just acts a bit strange, Professor," Potter said. Then there was the sound of something dully thumping something else, and Potter grunted.
"We just... want to make sure he's okay," Black said in a very determined voice. "It's like... he doesn't want anyone near him, most the time."
"Sometimes he's normal, sometimes he's not," Pettigrew piped up and the same sound as before which Remus realized was probably Black elbowing his friends.
McGonagall cleared her throat. "Mr. Lupin's decisions are his, and if he wishes to be alone... that's up to him."
"So he's not from Saint Mungo's?" Pettigrew asked. "Owww! That hurt!"
"You deserved it," Black hissed.
"It is not polite to pry into others' histories, Mr. Pettigrew," McGonagall said sternly. "Nor to spread unfounded gossip. Now, I appreciate your concern for your classmate and for coming to me with your concerns, but as I said his choices are his to make, not yours." There was a clinking sort of sound and then a chair scraping. "Anything else?"
"No, Professor," Black, Potter, and Pettigrew all chorused.
"You'd best get to History."
Remus backed up and stood against the far wall as the door opened. Potter hesitated so Black ran into him. Then Black saw Remus, and smiled. "Heya, forget this?" He held up the book.
Remus silently held out his hand and he was worried Black wouldn't give it to him unless he said something, but Black handed it over. He almost said thanks then remembered the M word so instead he turned and walked off in silence.
"Told you," Potter said. "Nutcase."
*
Ms. Fawley was in the room when Remus knocked at 6pm exactly. He slipped inside and she gave him a smile as she locked and silenced the door. "Hullo again," she said. "I hope last week wasn't too difficult for you."
"N--not more th-than usual," he answered as he sat down on the sofa next to her.
"Have you been practicing?"
"Mostly." He had considered lying but she'd know as soon as she went into his memories. "It's r-r-really difficult."
"It is, especially for someone as young as yourself." She reached up to pull her long hair back into a quick ponytail. "Let's just get right into it, shall we?" Her fingers slid onto his temples and suddenly his memories were being yanked forward.
Sitting naked and alone in the house, hugging his knees, shivering, waiting for the pain to begin... Pomfrey putting bandages on his wounds... Struthers fumbling with the word mudblood...
"You d-d-didn't give me much warning!" Remus cried out when Fawley broke the connection.
"Anyone performing this spell won't either," she replied with a shrug.
"Sh--shouldn't we wait until I c--can do it before practicing that?" He felt humiliated that Fawley got a memory of him naked, even though nothing had been seen. It made it harder to get rid of his emotions and when Fawley tried again, she as easily as ever got into his head. Afterwards she let him take a few minutes to try and relax. He sank back into the sofa and closed his eyes. How do I do this?! How do I get rid of everything in my head? He looked over at Fawley who sat rather primly, legs crossed, hands folded in her lap.
"Is th--there any other w-way to fight this?" he asked.
"Not really. I suppose you could try and learn to fight with your wand to break the connection however in order to do that you still need some sort of control over yourself while they're inside your head, and even then that risks them seeing memories you don't want them to see. This is your second lesson, Remus, and you're only eleven, and have a lot going on inside your head. Stop feeling as though you should have already mastered it."
Now that he had been scolded, they tried again, and a fourth time, and a fifth time. Remus's head began throbbing and it wasn't even six-thirty yet when Fawley tried to end the lesson. "No!" Remus cried out. "N--no, please, we h--have an hour slotted, please."
"You shouldn't push yourself," she said.
Remus shook his head then remembered she couldn't see it. "It d-d-doesn't matter even if I p--pass out, I'll b-be fine. You know that." He scooted closer to her. "Please l-let's keep trying. I n-need to do this."
Fawley reluctantly lifted her hands again and Remus screwed his eyes shut, focusing hard on emptying himself. He sort of thought after such a determined announcement like that it might work but Fawley was able to flip through his memories as if looking through a photo album. He collapsed back, feeling very disappointed, and his head hurting even more.
"That's enough."
"N--no..."
"You're not the only one involved in this, Remus," Fawley said rather harshly. "Perhaps I am tired, did you think of that?"
Remus turned red, as he hadn't at all. "S-sorry, Ms. Fawley, I--I'm s-s-sorry."
"Just keep practicing on emptying yourself. We'll resume next week."
Remus left the room, suspecting she wasn't tired at all and it was because of him. His head still hurt on and off as he went to the Gryffindor tower. He was exhausted, too, and despite it being early he wanted to just get a shower and get into bed though he figured he'd be staying up reading for a while. When he got to the dorm he saw Potter and Black laying on their stomachs on Potter's bed, pouring through a Quidditch magazine. Neither of them looked up when he came in and Remus thought perhaps Black had accepted the fact he had zero interest in being--
Remus stopped when he saw a plate on his desk and a piece of luscious chocolate cake sitting on top.
"You missed dessert," Black said, not even looking up. "So I brought you some."
I missed dessert because you tried to sit with me and I left the Great Hall, he thought, dropping his bag on his bed, still eyeing the cake. It's probably booby trapped, full of some sort of potion. "I don't w-want it."
Potter snorted. "Told you."
"You don't need to have it," Black said and he finally glanced up. "I just thought you might want some."
He did. He loved the cake the house-elves made here, and always had at least two slices whenever it appeared during dessert. It's probably got like bugs inside it or something. Remus went over and broke off a small piece, bringing it up to his nose to sniff. It smelled... heavenly.
"I didn't do anything to it," Black said, sitting up now. "If you don't believe me, I'll take a bite."
"Is th-this some sort of bribe?" Remus asked, eyes narrowed.
Potter just bust up laughing at that. "No!" Black protested. "It's... you missed dessert... I thought... and... all right, whatever then. I don't care." He flopped back onto his stomach and angrily flipped a page of the magazine, very clearly caring indeed.
Remus really wanted it but at the same time didn't want to give in so he just put it on Pettigrew's desk and went back to his original plan of getting a shower. He left the dorm and the hesitated, wondering... and was rewarded. He supposed he should feel bad for constantly eavesdropping... but he didn't.
"What in Merlin's name is his problem?!" Black demanded heatedly.
"Told you, mate. He doesn't want friends."
"He's never had friends," Black pointed out. "He's probably just--scared."
Too right I am, just not for the reason you think, Remus thought as he shifted his weight to be more comfortable as they spoke.
"Give it up, he thinks you're a jerk anyway," Potter yawned. "He's bonkers. The Slytherins are right."
"Oh, don't you start calling him Loopy now," Black complained.
Loopy? Remus wondered, having not hear that one yet. Slytherins?
"He is, though!" It sounded like Potter got out of his bed and began pacing. "You know, McGonagall never denied it, she just told us not to pry. He could be. It's been what, six weeks? And all he does is... hide and run and insist on being alone! Then he'll act like everything is fine! Then whammo, back off to Loonyville of La-La Land. Merlin's beard, half the reason I was excited to come to school was making friends! Course I never imagined having one like you." Remus could practically hear Potter's stupid grin through the door.
"Me either," Black agreed and there was a sound Remus thought might be a high five. "But you had friends before, didn't you?"
"Well. Y--yeah, I suppose so..."
"See, that's different."
Potter gave a sigh. "Look if you wanna keep trying to be his friend I won't stop you but I'm telling you, s'not gonna work."
"Maybe not but... I can be a right pest if I wanna be, and he can't ignore me forever."
With that declaration it sounded like they returned to looking through the Quidditch magazine and sure enough after a moment they began discussing some sort of broom model that was supposed to come out in the summer that Potter really wanted. Remus tiptoed to the bathroom, wondering why Black was so determined.
*
When he said he could be a pest... he was right.
On Wednesday it felt like Remus couldn't avoid Black at all. The taller boy was waiting for him when he got up and Remus had to go down to the Great Hall with the three stooges trailing after him. None of them actually talked to him except at one point when Black tapped his shoulder and asked if he knew his vest was on backward. Remus looked down and was infuriated he was right, and had to duck into a bathroom to fix it. The three of them were waiting. Potter and Pettigrew both looked annoyed though Black gave a smile when Remus emerged.
"All better?" he asked and Remus just kept walking in silence. "Cool."
They sat with him at breakfast and Remus just read as he ate, pointedly ignoring them. They walked with him to Charms class where Black spent the first fifteen minutes sending notes his way. Since they didn't know any sort of levitation charm yet, Black had to chuck the balled up bits of parchment at Remus who set them on the side of his desk and pretended they weren't there. Once he realized it wasn't working, Black had to figure out another way to bother Remus and did so by making his ink pot slide all over his desk every time he tried to dip his quill in. The last one went a little too far and the ink pot tipped over the edge of the desk and shattered on the floor.
Remus glared at Black who gave him an apologetic look. Flitwick, assuming Remus had knocked it over himself, promised it was fine and used a repairing spell to fix the pot though it was empty now. Black left him alone during class after that though after class he did his best to apologize about the ink and offer to buy him some more.
"As you should," Evans said, coming up behind them. "That was a rotten thing to do. What did Remus do to you?"
"Nothing, it was an accident," Black said, then scrounged around in his bag till he produced a rather fancy squat pot of ink. "Here."
"I d-d-don't want it," Remus said.
"Take it."
"No!"
Black shoved the ink pot at him. "I said take it!"
"I don't want it!" Remus shoved it back and Black dropped it. He expected it to shatter too but it just hit the stone and then rolled a bit, not even a crack in it. Very expensive, Remus thought as Black picked it up and offered. "No!"
"At least let me refill yours."
Remus just spun on his heels and stormed off. Evans hurried to catch up with him. "Is something going on?" she asked which made Remus turn a bit red.
"He's j-just an idiot."
"I could have told you that ages ago," giggled Evans and Remus smiled.
Then he realized he still thought of her as Evans, and still called her that even though she had been calling him Remus for several days now. He wasn't sure what the proper procedure was for using a first name. She had just started using it out of the blue but he felt a bit awkward to do that, however he also felt awkward asking. But asking seemed better than just doing it.
"Hey, is--d--d-do you w-w-want me to call you Evans or--or Lily?" he inquired.
Her eyes sparkled. "Whichever you prefer, really," she said which wasn't an actual answer.
He felt nervous as he said, "All--all right then. Er. L--Lily."
He supposed this meant they were friends of some sort, which he didn't want. Except he did want. He didn't spend as much time around her as he did the boys and she was Muggleborn... albeit a very studious and intelligent one which he should avoid... but he liked her. She was nice, and helpful, and smiled at him as if he deserved to be smiled at. He remembered her leaning against him during the Sorting, and the card she made for him when he was 'sick' at the start of term.
He thought of what he said to her the other day, that Potter and Black had overheard that he preferred to be alone. She hadn't taken it personally. Did that mean they weren't friends? Or did she think he just meant... not her?
This is confusing, he thought as they walked. Then he heard his mother's voice: NO FRIENDS! Then he heard Dumbledore's voice: You can have friends and still keep your secret.
He imagined what Eva--Lily would say if she found out. He could easily see the look of horror on her face, of hatred, of disgust. He clutched at the strap of his satchel, his breathing getting a little rapid. No friends.
Yes friends. I want friends.
Actually he wanted more than just Lily as a friend. He rather missed hanging out with Black, Potter, and Pettigrew... however deep down knew it wasn't an option, not with them being all cool with what Black said.
I do want friends but--Mum and Dad said not to make friends and they're right because it's too dangerous. Then another thought slid into his head. But not all the teachers know the truth about me and they're adults and Dumbledore has faith they won't figure it out so why should I think a bunch of kids would figure it out...?
He had no idea what to do or what to think, and his head was hurting again, and Black was running after him again, and he just wished the day was over so he could go hide somewhere. A tiny part of him considered skiving off Herbology and hiding out in Myrtle's bathroom for the rest of the day; honestly, if Lily wasn't beside him and the three stooges behind him he might have done.