I woke up and I think my head is bigger than usual. It hurts and I don't want to get up. I don't hear anyone in the hallway and I realize it's eleven o'clock. It's Saturday, I don't have to go anywhere.
I've decided to send Felix a message. I haven't heard from him in seven days. It's been five years since he went to Australia. We've seen him exactly eight times. I miss my big brother.
I wasn't hoping for any answer, at least not so fast. The phone rang.
„Congratulations, sis."
I couldn't take it and the second and I called him on FaceTime. I don't care what the time zone is, whether he's at work or not, I don't care, I want to hear him!
„Hey, douche bag! You just couldn't stand it, huh?" - As soon as he spoke, my hangover passed.
„Yes, because you didn't send a single message in seven days, I couldn't bear to anymore. Where are you?"
„You know I work even when I sleep. Sorry. Well, congrats! Did old folks got off your back now when you're finally done? "- he says and suddenly I get angry.
"They were never on my back. I was just so stupid and I'm lucky to have such reasonable parents. And don't call them old, Felix, it sounds ugly and you sound like you don't give a damn." - he drove me crazy with those words.
„What's gotten into you? I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
„I went a little overboard last night, so I'm a little harsh on words, sorry Felix." - I can't resist him just because I haven't heard from him in a while.
„I saw Alex's Instagram post, and I'm glad you had fun."
„Will you be coming home soon? We miss you. Dad's asking about you every day, mom's worried too, but she's holding strong because of him. You know her."
„I don't know, I'm pretty busy with work and Maggie..."
„Maggie? Who's that?" - I ask and I can hardly wait for an answer.
„Well, Maggie's my girlfriend. For a long time, actually. We live together. We met on a business trip. She works in another department at my firm. You would have liked her. I keep telling her about you and Ruby. How I wish you were here with me."
„Does mom know about Maggie? What about dad? They'd be happy that you're not alone out there. I hope you told them, Felix, because if you didn't...."
„I didn't tell them anything yet. You're the first one you to know. I didn't get a chance. I know dad's bad and I don't want to bother him. Sometimes I think it's better if he doesn't hear anything about me so he doesn't care." - When he uttered those words, if he was close I would hit him. I almost threw my phone into the wall.
„You think dad's easier when he can't hear anything about you? On the contrary, he's still getting worse. Please, when did you become so foolish and reckless?"
„You're right. Are they home? Should I tell them right now?"
„They are not Felix. Please be more considerate and know how hard it is for them. And get your ass for at least a short visit. You have to celebrate with me my diploma."
„Crazy girl. Okay, I'll try to get some days off. I'm finishing a project soon. What do you think about Maggie coming with me?"
At first thought, that didn't seem like the best idea. But I believe mom and dad would be thrilled.
„Yes, let her come too! I'll be glad to torture you in front of her."
We talked for a little while because he was getting ready for dinner with Maggie. I hope he will come. Dad would be thrilled.
♥
When I finally came to my senses and decided to rise from my desperation also known as a hangover, I quickly took a shower and went down to the kitchen. Dad was flipping through the papers and commenting out loud. It's funny when he gets stuck in something.
„Whoa! Who dared to get out of bed? For a moment, I thought you were going to stay there all day." - He asked me with a smile.
„I almost did. But it's a nice day. It would be a shame to spend it in bed." - I say and I decide to tell him everything that Felix told me. - „Otherwise, I called Felix this morning. I miss him. He says he's working all day-night and that he might come for a visit if he can get some free days."
When I said those words, I saw a surprise on my father's face. I know he's hurting that Felix is so far away, but he never wants to talk about it.
„He can come whenever he wants. This is his house, too."- He says with a controlled voice.
I spent most of the afternoon with my father and Ruby. Mom was doing paperwork at the hospital like every Saturday. We went for ice cream to a nearby pastry shop while Ruby was telling us how she is doing at school and how difficult it is in the drama group.
"Everyone's always better than me! Sometimes I forget the lines, or I get eaten by jitters, I don't like acting at all!" - She started screaming and almost burst into tears.
Dad gave her such a mild look and just said that she can quit if it didn't make her happy. He always respected our decisions and gave us enough space to find ourselves.
„Are you sure? Mom's not going to be mad?"
„Ruby, your mom is happy when you're happy. Remember that."- says dad and kisses her on the forehead.
All of a sudden, my mobile phone rang, and on the other hand, I heard a familiar voice.
„Hey, girl! We're going to the concert today. I got the last-minute tickets. You'll find out the details if you come to me right away!" said Alex and hung up.
„Who called you?" asks Ruby.
„Alex. She said that she got tickets to a concert and I had to come. I'll be with you a little longer, then I'll go to her place."
♥
When I arrived at Alex's place, the loud music rang the hallway. I went inside and found her trying all sorts of outfits.
„You've come! We're going to have so much fun! Carrie ditched us for that boy, you know, that little curly guy. Now they're like together. "
"Oh, come on. She didn't mention anything to me. How many days do we give them? I'd say about five. The maximum. "
„I give them until midnight. She'll call us later and ask if she can join us." - she breathed and proceeded; „I love this girl but if you go alone with her somewhere, you know that somewhere during the night you're alone and you're fucked up."
After a brief benign gossip of our dear friend, I remembered I don't even know which concert we're going to.
„Alex, whose concert are we going to and where do you get the tickets?" - I asked her until she finally found the shoes that fit her.
„My irresponsible father remembered he had a daughter and came to me today with tickets to the Cigarettes After Sex concert. He must have been left by some bimbo so he passed them on to me just so the tickets wouldn't fail."- She said, and I noticed on her face that she was upset.
„Are you kidding me? I love their songs. I didn't even know they have a concert tonight in London..."
„Yeah, they are performing in O2 Academy Brixton. Well, at least something good from my dear daddy."- She's still angry.
„Don't say that. He remembered. Nice gesture."- I was trying to calm her down.
„I don't want to talk about him anymore! We're going to have fun tonight!"
We spent a few more hours listening to the band's songs, putting our makeup on and soon it was time to go.
The crowd outside the O2 was huge even though we came early. We went in slowly and we finally came to our standing point. Maybe fourth row from the stage. It was so damn hot. I was lucky because I'm dressed almost like I'm going to the beach. It was only seven o'clock. At that point, a little group started going out to the stage. I guess they would entertain us until the main show started.
My heart stopped and at the same time, I didn't feel my legs. I heard a very familiar voice and then I saw a familiar face. I saw Harvey standing on the stage, waving and saying hello to all of us. He certainly can't see me in that sea of people but I do see him. Crystal clear. I caught Alex by the hand, and I thought she did this to me on purpose.
„Lila, I didn't know. I... I mean, I knew he started playing in the band, but that he was going to be opening act for the concert! I didn't!"
„You couldn't have known. Never mind. I'm glad to see he's doing what he likes." - I kind of lied and I notice that I'm still shaking. How is this possible? In all the places in London that I would see him after two years, here, on the stage. Fuck me. Fuck my life.
They started playing their songs, then some of the other famous songs. He was entertaining the audience, and I can tell he made me laugh, too. The last time I saw him, I was convinced he'd never give up alcohol. I never imagined that he would stand on stage in front of me one day and run the whole band and make the whole arena dance. He's so handsome, tall and a lead singer of the group, I'm so glad he's living his dreams.
Alex and I danced together, sang, I mean, mumble the words because I didn't know the songs of my ex-boyfriend's band. I have to admit that it was nice. Fun even.
We greeted "Cigarettes After Sex" with full power. We danced, we screamed. We were just getting wild. Although I preferred the Queens, I was happy that I've decided to come to the concert. By the end of the whole night, I lost my voice and a few pounds. It was ten minutes to midnight. Carrie hasn't called us yet, which could mean she's enjoying her new boyfriend or they are arguing and we can expect her to call soon.
When we finally got out of the Arena, someone took my hand and turned me. That wasn't Alex's hand. This one was rough and rugged. Harvey.
„I thought it was you. You stand out in the crowd." - He smiled.
„Well, to be fair, I was in fourth row so..." - awkward silence - „I didn't know you were in a band. A successful band. I apologize for not knowing the words of your songs. But I tried."
„They've been quite famous for some time. I've just joined a few months ago. The lead singer of the band had to have surgery and they still don't know if he will ever be able to sing again."
„In every evil, something good." - I'm so stupid, I sound like a wise grandmother.
"Yes, hah. Yes... That's it. "
„Sorry. I came to a concert of a famous group from America and... "
He interrupted.
„There he was. Your ex-boyfriend who was a jerk to you and who now looks better than ever under the spotlight."
„I couldn't have described the situation better myself. You read me too well."
„Of course. I always have. And just so you know - in all that crowd of people, I recognized you right away. It's weird. There's something in us that attracts us. Like two separate magnets." - He stopped and approached me a step closer. -„When they are close, they start to attract more and more..." - At that moment Alex jumped, finally.
„Jesus, Harvey, you were great!" - It's really good that she flew in, who knows what else he'd try to sell me.
„Thank you, thank you! I was just telling Lila that there is an after-party at the old factory club. If you want to come, just tell my name at the door. "- he said - „You know, just the way you screamed my name so many times before." - He whispered into my ear and left. I decided to ignore the last sentence.
„Come on, let's go, let's go! Maybe I'll finally meet my magnet!"- Alex said, and I realized that she had heard his lies.
„You heard that? You could have interfered before. He almost had me fooled!"
„Almost, but he didn't! That's why I jumped in!"
It didn't take her long to talk me into the after-party. Harvey seemed happy, radiating energy that screamed his name. I was attracted to the new Harvey, not to the guy I spent the good part of my life with. I wanted to find out what my own and what his intentions were.
♥
„We're friends with Harvey. Lead singer of the group... "- Alex gave me a cold look by giving me the sign that she didn't know the name of Harvey's band. I don't know either. - "Well, the band that was playing before the main show."
The security guard checked us out a couple of times, repeated Harvey's name, and then he checked us out again, and he nodded as the approval.
Much like the concert, the place was crowded with people. We immediately headed for the bar and ordered double tequilas. I mean, if I'm going to talk to Harvey I'm going to need the courage.
A couple of tequila shots later, I felt a rough touch on my back. A well-known sensation overcame my body.
„I'm going to call Carrie! I'll be back soon!" - I knew Alex had left on purpose.
„Did I tell you how good you look tonight?" - He spoke first.
„I don't think you did. For now." - I was teasing him. - „One more tequila please! You want something? „
„I haven't had a drink in a year. Maybe more. I'll have a soda, thank you."
Harvey doesn't drink. That line fell on me like a cold shower. He left me with eyes full of tears. He told me a bunch of ugly things because I told him I'd go out less, cut with alcohol and devote myself to learning. And he's not drinking tonight. He's sober for a year.
„How's that? Did you ended up pumping your stomach?" - I'm starting to get angry. I need more alcohol.
„Yes. And fell into an alcoholic coma." - Seriously -„Come on, L, we're not going to be so gloomy after my brilliant performance."
„I'm sorry, I didn't know. I shouldn't have made such a joke. Oh, I'm so sorry." - I cringed and I wanted to bury myself from shame.
The music in the factory was too loud. He pulled my hand and pulled me out. Then he started talking. My old Harvey kept it all inside. I'd have to draw out words out of him. Sometimes I could get a whole sentence, just sometimes.
„I almost overdosed because of alcohol and drugs. I overreacted every night of the week when we broke up. I know I ended things up and that I was a jerk to you, and yet every night, I was killing myself like you left me. I didn't want to feel that feeling of emptiness that I felt every time I saw your face somewhere, heard your smile, felt the warmth of your embrace... I know I've made your life a lot more miserable than I've relieved you, but you were everything to me. Alcohol couldn't help it anymore, so I made the biggest mistake. I've got lucky that my dad found me on the stairs and took me to the E.R. immediately. If I'd stayed alone, I wouldn't have been alive by the morning. After that, I had a couple of drinks but I'm clean for more than a year now." - He just poured everything on me.
„Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you call me? If you had said one word.... Harvey, I... "- He puts his finger on my lips as a sign to stop talking.
„You said yourself you wanted to devote yourself to learning. I figured that out as a sign that I had to get out of your life. I was nothing, and I was no help to you. I dragged you into the depths with me. If I called you that night, you'd be stuck with me again and you wouldn't have done anything in your life that you wanted."
„I never thought of you as nothing." - I said that and my eyes were already filled with tears.
„I know, L. But I was bad for you. Believe me, it had to end that way."
My phone rang the third time. I guess Alex is mad because we left her alone.
„I got to get back inside, Alex must be mad already. I'm sorry."
He took my hand, he turned me around and he hugged me. Just the way Harvey hugs.
„Promise me we'll talk tomorrow. Or the next day. Whenever you're ready. Please."
„I really can't promise anything, Harvey. I'm sorry, this is all a little too much right now."
I went in and found Alex in the same place. Carrie hasn't contacted her and we've decided it's best if we go home. She noticed immediately that something had happened.
„L, are you okay? You look like you've been crying."
I didn't want to lie to her, so I briefly told her everything Harvey told me.
„What a prick! He broke up with you so selfishly. He didn't even ask what you wanted!" - She shouted in the middle of the dark street of London as we waited for Uber.
„I know. I'm not worried about what he did. I can imagine the horror of his father's face with enough concern for Harvey and what he had to live through it."
„I'm sure he got a good kick out of him later on." -she said, and we just stopped talking. She hugged me because she knew I needed peace.
„And yes, Alex. He called me for a coffee to talk."
„I don't know how smart the idea is. Maybe if you go to that coffee, you'll come back to me torn to shreds."
„I have to sleep. I'll think about everything later."
When I finally got home, I just threw myself on the bed and sank into a dream.