Canyon
The Reds and the Blues are standing in line in front of the Orange Guy, in the middle of the canyon. Doc is patching up the Orange Guy's foot, before standing up.
Doc: There, good as new.
Orange Guy: I can't feel my toes.
Donut: That's normal.
Orange Guy: Is it?
Wash aims his battle rifle towards the Orange Guy's face.
Orange Guy: H-hey, whoa!
Wash: You need to start talking.
Orange Guy: Hmm, aggressive, paranoid, and a little melodramatic—you must be Agent Washington.
Wade: Hehe! Melodramatic.
Orange Guy: And that means the rest of you are the Reds and the Blues.
Caboose: Oh my God, how did he know that?!
Grif: We're wearing red and blue armor.
Caboose: But how can he tell?
Grif: (Exasperated) Will somebody please fix his helmet?
Zeta: One of the wires must be busted in his helmet.
Grif: Can you fix it?
Zeta: Not at the moment, no.
Grif: (Sighs) Great.
As Zeta and Grif finish talking, Leo takes a step closer to Felix's.
Leo: How do you know who we are?
Orange Guy: Seriously? Come on man, everybody knows about you guys. You're heroes.
Zeta: Heroes?
Orange Guy: You're the team that brought down Project Freelancer. You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers.
Simmons looks at everyone.
Simmons: Well, I can see how you might think that.
Sarge: Because it's absolutely true!
Doc: It's partially true.
Zeta: But mainly false.
Wash looks at the group.
Wash: Stop giving him information.
Wash turns back to the Orange Guy.
Wash: What's your name?
Felix: Felix.
Wash: Okay, Felix, what are you doing here?
Felix: Do you want the long answer or the short one?
Wash: Do you want another bullet in your leg?
Felix: Hey, that bullet's there because of you.
Tucker: He's got a point.
Wash keeps his gun aimed at Felix, until Leo walks up beside him and gently lowers the gun as Wash let's out a sigh.
Leo: How about you just explain what's going on.
Grif: Uh yeah, like who were those guys that were trying to kill us?
Simmons: And why haven't we been rescued yet?
Felix: Wait, where do you think you are?
Wade: What do you mean?
Felix: I mean, do you understand where you've crashed?
Sarge: Well, we've been taking bets. Highest wager's currently on Bermuda Triangle. After that, we've got Gilligan's Island and purgatory.
Grif: So stupid.
Donut: No, just think about it. It makes perfect sense.
Felix: The reason no one's come to help you is the same reason no one's come to help them.
Felix says, gesturing over to the four dead white soldiers near them.
Zeta: Who's them?
Felix: The people on this planet.
Wash: What planet?
Felix: Chorus.
Wade: Chorus? Never heard of it.
Felix: Well, I wouldn't expect you to. It's on the very edge of colonized space, and after the war between the humans and the aliens, it was more or less forgotten by Earth and the UNSC.
Grif: We crashed in the middle of nowhere, on a planet in the middle of nowhere. Fucking beautiful, everybody.
Leo: (Sighs) Our luck just keeps getting better and better.
Simmons: But how did we end up so far from home? It should have been a short flight.
Sarge begins to nervously sweat under his helmet.
~Flashback~
Inside of the spaceship, before the crash. Sarge is seen tampering with the ship's engine as one of the spaceship operator stands to the side watching him.
Spaceship operator: Sir, please, you can't be back here. These engines are delicate.
Sarge: Can it, Poindexter. No wonder this flight's taking so long! Who ever heard of delicate engines? These engines are supposed to be big. Loud. And terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into slipspace!
Spaceship operator: Wait!
Suddenly, alarms and flashing red lights go off.
~Present~
Back to the group as Sarge continues to sweat nervously.
Sarge: Uh, one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
Felix: Now, being a small planet, completely free of UNSC jurisdiction, the nice little people of Chorus decided to run things on their own. The only problem was, they didn't do a very good job.
Grif: Ugh, history's the worst. Can you just get to the point?
Felix: The point is, you've crash-landed in the middle of a civil war. And I'm on the side that's trying to keep you alive.
Leo: And which side would that be?
Felix: The New Republic. Essentially, a bunch of people got fed up with the way things were going on Chorus, so, they put together a rebel army and decided to fight for their freedom. It's all very patriotic.
Tucker: So, what? Does that make those guys the Evil Empire or something?
Felix: Yeah, you could say that.
Tucker: Oh. Well, fuck.
Wash: But why the attack? Why try to kidnap us?
Felix: It's like I said: you're the greatest soldiers in the galaxy. That makes you a pretty hot commodity. And I'd be lying if I said my shitty attempt at a rescue mission didn't have a few strings attached.
Sarge: What kind of strings we talking here?
Felix: (Sighs) The rebels need your help. Once they heard that you were on Chorus, they sent me out with a small team to find you and bring you back. They're hoping you might be the key to winning this war.
The Reds and Blues all look at each other for a moment.
Grif: Hmm, no.
Felix: (Surprised) No?
Blue Base
Inside of Blue Base on the top floor, where everyone has gathered.
Simmons: Yeah, no.
Caboose: Yeah, that, that's not gonna work, for me.
Wash: Look, Felix, I hate to break it to you, but we're in no condition to fight a war.
Tucker: All we want is a ride off this shitty planet. No offense.
Felix: Meh, it ain't my shitty planet.
Zeta: But aren't you one of the rebels?
Felix: No, I'm a freelancer.
The Reds and Blues (Except for Caboose) immediately aim their weapons at Felix. Even Doc raises his medical scanner at him.
Felix: (Quickly) No, I-I mean I'm a mercenary. You know, a gun for hire.
Everyone lowers their weapons.
Grif: Oh, thank God.
Leo: They paid you to come find us?
Felix: They pay me to do lots of stuff, but yeah, you're my current paycheck.
Leo: Wait, so you want us to go fight someone else's war, just so you can make some extra cash.
Felix: ...Uh, it's for a good cause?
Leo: Right. I think we'll just take that ride out of here, if you don't mind.
Tucker: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Mediocrity.
Grif: Woohoo! Here's to not going that extra mile.
Felix: You know, I wasn't alone when I came out here to find you. There were three of us. Just think about that.
Felix turns and walks away from the group.
Grif: Whatever. It's not like we asked them to save us.
Simmons: (Sarcastically) Yeah, we definitely didn't build a giant radio tower to send a distress signal or anything.
Grif: Shut up.
Felix walks to the edge of the base and activates his radio.
Felix: Headquarters, this is Felix. I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.
Headquarters (Radio): Holy shit, you found them? That's great! Um, what's your status?
Felix: Not good. We ran into some Feds. I need an evac team.
Headquarters (Radio): Dammit. Uh, Felix, I can't just fly somebody out there.
Felix: Yeah, I know, okay, but you send as many men as you can, as fast as you can. Locus has our position.
Headquarters (Radio): Oh, no.
Wade: (Overhearing) Who's Locus?
Felix: (To Headquarters) Now I want to do this quiet, and I want to do it right. But just to be safe, bring a shitload of guns.
Headquarters (Radio): Right. Sending reinforcements, sir.
Felix: Roger. Felix out.
Felix ends his transmission and turns around, walking back to the Reds and Blues.
Zeta: So, what now?
Felix: Now we work on making this canyon the most defendable hole in the ground the universe has ever seen.
Wade: Uh why?
Felix: Because we're about to get hit, hard. I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand. Let's set up choke points, and mark potential sniper's nests.
Wash: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. We're not telling you anything. We still don't even know if we can believe you.
Felix: Well, believe this: if we don't prepare for a fight, we might as well just be waiting for a massacre.
Wade: After what just happened earlier, I think we should listen to this guy.
Wash ponders about it for a moment, before making his decision. Wash points at Tucker.
Wash: Tucker, see if you can fix Caboose's helmet.
Caboose: Yes, who said that!
Wash then points over at Wade and Zeta.
Wash: Wade, Zeta, you two set up some cover around the base.
Zeta: You got it!
Wash then points at Sarge and the Reds.
Wash: Sarge, you and the Reds build up an arsenal. If we can use it as a weapon, let's get it prepped.
Sarge: I can think of a few things that might come in handy.
Wash turns and looks at Leo.
Wash: Leo, you come with me. Felix. You and I aren't done talking.
Felix: Well all right then. Let's see if you guys are as good as they say.
Grif: Prepare to be sorely disappointed.
The End
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