My hair had now been put into place and hairsprayed within an inch of its life yet again.
Make up had very carefully been re-applied once more and I was now getting myself into position on the four poster bed.
"This time, I don't want you facing him". David said, as he hovered above me.
I blinked huge, heavily mascarad eyes at him, as I now was resting my chin on my hands and lying down on my belly.
"So it's kind of important that you make just a bit of noise".
He went on.
"Not too much though, just groan slightly and take gasping little breaths, like....... Er...........Well................... Um..................... Like when a woman reaches the height of sexual pleasure. You know the kind of thing I mean, don't you".
I didn't, well not from experience anyway but I understood what he meant. I had seen films where a woman had reached an orgasm and how she had acted.
I would just have to draw on that.
David was now shuffling his feet, sort of nervously as if he didn't really like having to explain all of this to me, so I smiled up at him.
"I know the sort of thing". I smiled reassuringly, "And I'm okay with it, honestly".
David nodded his head in an appreciative kind of way, as if he was somehow pleased that I was confident in my own abilities to actually pull this one off.
I did have the distinct feeling that Alan must surely have told David that he didn't believe I was up to doing such an intimate love scene and had no doubt explained to him of his own apprehension concerning my acting ability.
Therefore I really wanted to show the director that I could do it and that I didn't need or require a goddam substitute in the form of a stand in!
I huffed to myself as I watched David now walking away and going over to speak with Alan. He was probably going to explain to him that I was perfectly happy about doing this and that I was also confident about it too!
I stared at Alan's expression as David continued to talk to the movie star who did not look very happy at all.
In fact he seemed somewhat irritated, pressing a hand firmly onto his forehead and looking down.
He now began to draw this hand slowly down the side of his face and finished up by putting a finger onto his lips as he looked back up at David again. He certainly didn't look very pleased and there did seem a certain amount of worry also on his face.
But in my opinion it served him right!
If he didn't want to do these kind of scenes with me then it was his lookout not mine.
Here I was, already in my position, ready and willing to give it my best shot and there he was, the big movie icon, standing back unwilling to even come over!
I mean what was his problem?
It was clear even to me that he was actually the one being reluctant about this whole thing, not me!
And it wasn't as if we hadn't actually done a love making scene before! We'd been doing this for the best part of the day!
Was I really now becoming such a radical turn off for him?
Was I really that bad?
At least by doing this scene he wouldn't have to look at my face, so I couldn't really understand what his problem actually was!
I gave a deep sigh to myself.
Should I just go over there now and confront him about it all, Including the fact that he had been telling everyone about his concerns for me, when really it would seem, that he had concerns only about himself.
I was actually fine.
I certainly didn't need all of this melodrama about it all. I mean at the end of the day, we were only acting out a part and up until now David seemed more than happy about the way I was handling myself, if he wasn't, he would surely have said so.
Anyhow I must be doing alright, for I hardly have thought someone like David McIntyre would suggest doing this extra scene, if indeed he thought I was not at all capable.
I turned my head more onto its side, so that I could see exactly what was now happening. David was still speaking with Alan, cameras were moving closer into position and Jack Tyler was hovering about with that damned marker of his.
Rachel was also now approaching me armed with a very large white pillow.
"Lift your head up a bit". She said, "We need to support you".
I did what I was told and then put my head back down onto it.
"That's better". She smiled at me and gently moved a stray strand of hair away from my face. "But when filming begins David would like you to not lie on the side of your face. He wants your face to be buried into the pillow".
"Really?". I asked. "So how am I meant to breath?".
"It's such a very short take Gwen, just hold your breath. You'll be fine". Rachel smiled gently.
"But I'm supposed to make a noise. He told me that he wants me to groan!". I protested. " I can't groan with my face stuck in this!".
Rachel began to laugh.
"Oh, you'd be surprised what the human body is capable of doing during the throes of passion".
I smiled wearily back at her.
"Anyway, I'm assured this is just a very short scene, a blink and you'd miss it frame, just a glimpse at how far Jonathan and Christina have come in their sexual appetite for one another". Rachel explained.
"So I wouldn't worry too much, just let Alan lead you. He's a very accomplished leader you know and you'll be able to just go along with the flow, then we can all get off to Vivien Scots for the rest of the evening, how does that sound?".
My mind suddenly flashed back to that beautiful gazebo with its lovely twinkling lights in that gorgeous garden with the fountain. It was so idyllic and such a romantic setting.
Then my stomach suddenly twisted when I remembered when I had tried to kiss Alan and how he had pulled away from me. Then the utter embarrassment and humiliation I felt as he explained that he really did not see me in that way.
Well, I think that's what he was saying.
It certainly came across as such, but my head was so very mixed up and confused, I didn't really know what he was saying.
It appeared to me anyway that he was giving me the brush off, after all he was now with the very beautiful and delightful Silva.
I huffed again at the indignation of that night and also at the fact that Alan was still standing a little way off from me with no intention, it would seem in coming over.
"Well, is he ever going to come over here or not?". I snapped, "Because he doesn't seem very enthusiastic".
Rachel smiled down at me.
"I don't think you need worry about Alan's enthusiasm". She laughed. "Just concentrate on your own acting. Everything else will naturally come together..................... So to speak!".
I wasn't convinced.
Although Rachel was making a bit of a joke about it all, I felt a bit pissed off really, about Alan and his whole bloody conduct today.
He had remained particularly aloof towards me especially, and had been definitely less than friendly.
It was as if he loathed doing all of this with me, although his kissing was still pretty damned fantastic and the gentleness of his touch had in fact sent electric pulses of desire racing throughout my entire body.
But in between takes, he had hardly looked at me and had only spoken to me when he had tried to put me off.
Perhaps he was now resenting his decision to have me play this part in the first place.
Maybe I did not live up to his expectations of me.
He may have thought that I was a bit more experienced than I actually was and it had now put him off, now that he had realised that I was in fact a virgin with no sexual experience whatsoever.
This was possibly the reason for his backing off of me.
He didn't want the responsibility of being the teacher in all of this.
I now felt sick to my stomach.
My inexperience had seemed to have repulsed him, I was now convinced of that, but there was nothing I could do, save get up from this position I was now in and go over to him then proclaim that he was actually right to get a stand in!
Maybe that's what I should do. Forget stupid pride and listen to someone who knew the ropes a lot better than I did!
After all he was the experienced one in all of this. He knew my inner weakness and the fact that I wasn't really able to give him what he really desired.
A woman who knew exactly how to act out an intense orgasm.
I went to get up.
"Right, positions now please. Its getting late, we're all very tired, so let's do this final frame and we can all go home". David suddenly yelled, clapping his hands above his head in a very authoritative manner.
I stilled.
Oh God, it was too late now.
Everyone started racing around and even Alan was coming over.
I stared at him as he approached but he did not even acknowledge me.
Didn't even give me a glance.
I was right. He disliked what I was and his actions towards me only served to accentuate this.
Alan had now climbed onto the bed just behind me, despite his reservations he was now himself getting into position as I could now feel his presence and the bed sinking from his weight upon it.
I was desperate to look round at him, but I however resisted the temptation.
I did hear Rachel though, acknowledge him before she did some last minute adjustments to my hair before disappearing off set.
Then as requested, I took in a breath and placed my face deep into the thick, soft pillow.
"Marker one". I heard Jack say into my ear beside me, "All good".
"Everyone set.......... And action". David yelled.
Immediately I began to feel Alan's weight lowering down onto my back. I lay as quietly as I could, although I was able to quite clearly hear and feel the rapid pounding of my heart beating inside my chest.
Despite how angry I was at him, he was still having this effect upon me. I couldn't just switch my feelings off about the way I felt about him.
Yes I was mad as hell at him and yes he had managed to put all of this self doubt about myself into my head. But just being in the mere presence of Alan Rickman, the closeness of him, his touch, his aroma, just his whole charisma was putting my whole being onto red alert as my senses sprung into a heightened crescendo of nervous anticipation.
His hand now reached into my hair. A strong but gentle touch that stroked and caressed gently at my tresses. A murmer followed as fingertips reached round and lightly touched at the side of my face. Then featherlight caresses moved towards the back of my neck and continued to stroke here as well and I could now feel myself naturally responding to them as I too, gave out a muffled little groan from the confines of my pillow.
This was not acting.
This was far too sensual for that!
It actually felt as if Alan was trying to really turn me on...................
And it was working too!
Soft lips had now begun to kiss down onto the base of my neck as his hand returned to my hair and began stroking at it again.
I murmured once more.
This was absolutely heavenly.
That was until I felt a sudden yank upon my hair as he somehow began pulling at it quite hard.
Ow! That hurt, I thought to myself. But suspected it was was quite accidental until he did it again!
I frowned to myself into the pillow, it really started to hurt now and I wondered why he would do that. Then yet another tug was felt on my tresses, even harder this time, causing me to grimace somewhat, before his hand then began to slide down over my neck and shoulder.
But it wasn't the gentle, sensual touch that I had been used to from him, no this was a hard squeezing touch that pushed uncomfortably into my skin as I felt myself tense up with the sensation of it.
This was not nice and it sure as hell didn't feel like Alan's touch at all. He had been so gentle and sensual at first, with hands that had sent every nerve in my body into complete orbit, leaving me definitely wanting more from him as I had tingled with lust all over.
But this.......... this was starting to feel not very pleasant at all. In fact I was rather hoping that very soon David would shout cut and draw a hault to all these proceedings.
I took in a deep but muffled breath from the pillow. I still had my face buried into it as instructed, but with Alan's weight now starting to lie heavily on my back and the uncomfortable way in which he was touching me, I began to feel constricted and very short of air.
However, I was a professional actress now, I had to prove to everyone, as well as to myself and more especially to the man with his body weight now lying over the top of me, that I could do this and I was capable.
So I took in another deep breath and decided to just put up with it until such a time that David would shout cut, I mean surely he would do it soon! Then we would all be congratulating ourselves on a great day's filming. Alan would then apologise to me for being just a tad rough, but would then go on to explain that it was just in the script and hoped that I was alright and I would say that it had to be done for the sake of our art ............ And that would be that.
We'd then all troupe off to Vivien Scots for a great evening out! Although, really thinking about it, I probably wouldn't go.
As nice as it was, it would only serve to bring back a sad and humiliating memory for me and I wasn't quite ready to face up to that again....... just yet.
So now feeling sad and deflated whilst also getting just a little bit short of breath again, I now hoped that this scene would soon all be over with, after all everyone was quite insistent that it was only a very short one.
But now however, I could feel Alan's hand brushing tantalising close to my left breast. I kept still as my face was now being pushed deeper into that damned, suffocating pillow as he seemed to be pinning me down and was now pushing at me, rhythmically with his hips, simulating the movement of making love.
It didn't feel at all comfortable for I felt very squashed and ever so short of breath.
Surely Christina Greebe would not like how Jonathan Saunders was now conducting himself, for it didn't feel as if there was much mutual respect going on here.
It almost felt as if he was domineering her. Holding her down to get his pleasure. This was not how I had seen their relationship at all.
And what followed now was definitely not!
Alan had begun to groan again. A laboured, strange kind of sound that I had not heard from him before. It was as if he had suddenly become determined and his actions were reflecting that.
He had now moved his lips really close to my left ear and breathed into it. I could also feel his body weighing extraordinarily heavily over me as he seemed to tense up rather strangely. Then he began to whisper, hot, thick breath breathing right into my ear.
This was not at all sexually alluring for me by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I was finding this whole thing curiously threatening and I was being rapidly put off by it.
I wriggled uneasily beneath him but the breath only came closer towards my ear, followed by what could only be described as a horrid, callous sounding voice that was full of malice and hatred as it began whispering :
"Don't worry........ I won't take very long. You just lie there and enjoy the experience, there's a good girl......."
My heart beat now began race as my eyes shot open into the pillow.
What in God's name was going on?
What was he doing?
His hand had now found my left breast as he cupped it with his big, oversized hands and then began squeezing at me really tightly. His weight now on top of me was also getting heavier, if that was at all possible and I began to really panic!
This was definitely not in any script!
This was not how it was meant to be.
I was just so uncomfortable now, but I however, remained motionless, after all I had been reassured by Rachel and some of the others that this was a split second, blink and you'd miss it scene.
But it still didn't prevent me from feeling more than a little worried, especially now that I could suddenly feel the taking off of his pair of trousers!
First the release of a belt, then the fumblings of a button undoing then the sound of the zip. The piece of clothing was now being pulled down and with it the release of his erection, that instantly started to push up against me.
No. No! This could not be!
Alan was wearing a modesty pouch, I should not have been able to feel anything!
Besides I had been told by David that Alan had particularly requested that he keep his trousers on.
So what was happening now. Another change of plan!
I began to move about uncomfortably.
"Come along now sweetheart, this is was you wanted. You were the one who was determined to be an actress now weren't you. This was your idea. I did try to warn you, but you wouldn't listen and now you must pay the consequence".
The thickness of the pillow was becoming so very suffocating as his weight on top of me got even heavier. I was having quite a lot of difficulty in breathing and I now started to gasp for air. I couldn't move and felt as if I was definitely being held down.
I had to get away!
So I tried my hardest to move, surely someone would see I was in a certain amount of distress, as the squeeze on my breast became unbearably tighter and the weight on top of me even heavier. His erection was also pushing so hard against me that I now feared penetration was surely imminent.
How on earth was David and all the other members of the film crew even allowing all this to happen?
I really had to get out of this situation myself. If no one could see what was happening I would have to do something.
I now turned my face from the confines of the pillow and took the biggest gulp of air that I could, but the weight on top of me was preventing my lungs from filling up fully and I now began to gasp.
I couldn't get my breath, I couldn't breathe so I began to wriggle, tried to get away, but I still couldn't move. I was trapped beneath this ton weight and now felt a hand starting to lift up my nightie and then proceed to pull down and relieve me of my pretty lace panties.
This was not on at all. I could not allow this to happen, so I struggled frantically to try and rid myself of this weight lying on top of me and try to prevent him from what he was doing, but to no avail. He was a lot stronger than I was as I now felt my panties being dragged roughly down the full length of my legs leaving me totally exposed.
I really started to panic now!
Just how far were they actually prepared to go with me!
Were they really going to allow Alan to have sex with me right here and now? In front of everybody?
Is that what happens when shooting any sex scenes among actors.
Had Alan been trying to warn me all along that this is what actually goes on!
I knew they wanted to make it as realistic as possible, but wasn't this going a bit too far.
Actually having sexual intercourse on the film set in order to get that perfect scene!
Oh no. Had I made a great error of judgment here.
Maybe things should have been explained to me properly that this is what was expected of me!
But perhaps everyone just presumed that I knew. That I wasn't as nieve as I was possibly trying to make out.
Perhaps in his own way Alan had tried to make me understand what it was that this scene actually entailed, but I was so quick to answer back at him, I didn't give him any chance at all to tell me.
I wriggled again, trying to take in a gulp of much needed air whilst my mind was over flowing with the possibility that I had actually walked into this position unaided and it was my fault that all this was happening.
Even though I knew that I loved Alan and the thought of actually making love to him had filled my heart with immense euphoria, I certainly did not want it to be anything like this.
I was officially scared now. I wanted it all to stop........ Right this minute!
When was David going to shout "Cut!".
Couldn't anyone tell that I was now greatly distressed.
I began to wriggle again, stronger this time, as I tried to avoid the touch of these hands on my body, one squeezing tighter onto my breast and the other having now found my private area.
"Stay still"
The voice on top of me cooed into my ear, his hot whiskey smelling breath invaded my nostrils, bringing back a horrendous memory.
Was Alan in fact drunk?
Was this the reason why he was doing this to me? Whilst everyone was watching?
Why hadn't anybody noticed just how scared I was?
Were they just going to let him carry on?
I needed help. I couldn't believe that no one had noticed what was in fact happening.
I opened my eyes widely to see that Jack Tyler was nearer to my head than I first thought he would be. He had that stupid marker thing right beside my ear, but wasn't looking at me.
"Jack".
I murmured to him.
He ignored me. It was as if I was invisible to him, so I pulled my hand through from beneath me and grabbed at his leg, shaking it fiercely.
"Jack........ Please....... Help me".
I pleaded with him.
His steely, little, fishy eyes looked at me and he was now smiling. A grotesque kind of smile that told me that he had absolutely no intention of helping me at all.
I felt let down by his obvious indifference to my plight.
If anyone was going to rescue me I would have guaranteed it would have been Jack! After all, I felt sure that he really liked me and would have done anything to have gotten into my good books. Now here was the perfect opportunity and he was just sat there smiling at me!
I looked beyond him at the camera that was still unbelievably filming this scene and noticed Ruben suddenly appearing from behind it. I mouthed the words help me to him, but he just smiled and then put his thumb up to me.
This was so unbelievable!
When was somebody going to come to my rescue!
I could see Rachel stood there by her friend Joanne, watching on. Maybe with them being women, perhaps they would be able to spot that something was wrong and stop all of this, but strangely they didn't seem worried or concerned about it at all.
I reached out my hand, stretching it towards them, trying to make them see that I wanted to get out of this situation.
They noticed but far from leaping in and rescuing me, they just gave a little wave, smiling at me as they did so.
This was so unreal!
What was wrong with these people!
I looked over towards David, sitting in his directors chair, watching intently what was going on. A finger was on his lips, he also had his glasses on. Surely he would be able to tell.
I bore my eyes into him, willing him to catch my pleading stare and call a halt to all of this degrading madness. Slowly he turned his head to look at me, an expression of concern had now etched itself upon his face.
At last!
He would now be able to put a stop to all of this utter madness but he just continued to stare at me.
"Please......"
I mouthed the word, reaching my hand out now towards him as my breathing became more and more labored.
"Keep going Alan, you're doing great".
David suddenly spoke, whilst still looking at me.
My stomach churned, as the grip on my breast was getting uncomfortably tighter. Fingernails had begun to dig into its spongy softness. The touching of my private area was also becoming more intense now as his erection, hard and throbbing pressed itself against my bum. The wreaking of stale alcohol upon his breath was also enough to make me puke never mind the forcfulness of his weight upon me and the fact that I still could not breathe properly.
I had come to realise that no one was going to help me as I looked around at the faces all smiling and all oblivious to the absolute horror I was now going through.
I now came to the conclusion that they must have been in on this together, that it had all been planned right from the outset as
they were all staring unmoving, each with a grotesque smile upon their faces whilst standing absolutely as still as possible.
I was being pushed though, backwards and forwards by the man on top of me thrusting his body to and fro. It felt as if I was on some sort of fairground ride, as I was the only one moving while others just stood by and watched.
This was far too horrendous for me to endure for a moment longer. If I didn't do something this instant, Alan would be having sex with me right here with all these weird people watching me and I could not consent to that!
In fact I hadn't consented to any of this!
I struggled yet again, using all of my strength this time to try and get this weight from off me.
Then suddenly...........
I could smell cigarettes.
A strong smell of stale tobacco penetrated my nostrils and I could feel fur against my cheek.
I stopped with my struggle and opened my eyes to see a pair of light blue ones staring right back at me.
Patricia Mae was kneeling down right beside me, wrapped in her black fur coat. She was holding a cigarette and took a long drawn out drag from it before exhaling the smoke way up into the air above my head.
I watched as she now stared hard and shook her head at me, tutting as she did so.
"You really must let him get on with things my dear. You'll never make it as an actress if you continue to fight like this". She said, in that terrible sinister way of hers.
"But I don't want to do this". I cried, as tears stung at my eyes. "Please get him to stop" .
Patricia put the cigarette into the side of her mouth as she then roughly took a hold of my head, a hand each side and proceeded to push my face down into the pillow once more.
"Oh don't be such a cry baby. It was you who wanted to be a actress, you who wanted to mix it with the big boys so I'm afraid that this was all your decision sweetheart ". She said firmly, "You must learn to relax a bit more, enjoy the sensation. Become a woman".
I struggled against the force she had on my head as she continued pulling it down into the pillow so that I couldn't breath. I was now gasping for air and fighting with all my strength to get away.
No one was going to help me, that was apparent, so I had to do it by myself, get out of this terrible and awful situation I had now found myself being the centre of. If this would mean the end of my acting career, then so be it. I wasn't about to take this a moment longer.
I began to shout out loudly.
"Get off me...... Get off me....Now!".
I now took in muffled breaths, then with all the strength I could muster I began to kick out with my legs as hard as I possibly could.
I heard a sudden groan and the weight on my back, that had been holding me down abated, so too did the hold that Patricia had on my head.
Immediately I took in a huge gasp of air that filled my lungs right up and began to raise myself from off the bed.
I was free.
I had done it.
I had escaped this horrendous torture.
I gathered myself up, drawing my knees up towards me and hugging them tightly then looked over at Alan sat on the bed, with his bare back facing me.
"What on earth did you think you were all doing?". I demanded.
There was silence.
No one spoke.
Even though I was directing my question to everybody, I was still looking at Alan with his back towards me on the bed.
I could feel anger at him filling up inside of me. I wasn't scared of him, I was just very, very angry.................... With everyone in fact, but more especially with him, particularly now that he was still refusing to look at me and explain himself.
"Well?". I demanded, "Are you not going to apologise?".
His head now slowly started to turn round, almost in exaggerated slow motion.
Perhaps he was mortified at what he'd just done, maybe he found it hard to even look at me, such was his deep remorse and shame at what had just happened.
Well it served him right.
He should feel like that, after all he had just taken full advantage of his position. If I was in love with him before, I sure as hell was not anymore and that was the reality of it, for there was no need for him to have done that.
I would have gone with him willingly to that hotel room, if indeed he had actually booked one the night of the premiere, and I would have made love to him I knew I would. He did not have to resort to all of this.
And now as he turned to look at me, the hatred that I felt for this man was inmeasurable.
He had taken away my trust, my admiration and my love for him in one selfish moment of cruel, calculating violation and that could never be replaced.
But as he turned to look at me, his face suddenly took on that of a different one.
There was a sneer and a grotesque look upon it. A darkness within hard, cold eyes and a deeply penertrating stare that was both sinister and frightening.
He then began to laugh.
A horrid laugh of hatred.
The man looking at me now was not Alan Rickman.
The man staring at me from the other end of the bed was in fact Ashcroft Jennings!!!