If I could use three words to describe what I am feeling, it would be these: what the fuck.
Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, let me explain.
All my life I have known nothing but the foster system and how it works. It isn't rocket science. The cute babies are first to go. Which always leaves the kids between 12 and 17 stuck here.
I only have a few more years until I am 18. I have given up on the thought of a family.
Imagine having no doubt in your mind that nobody wants you. Sad but realistic, right? Now imagine my reaction when I was told a family is taking me in. Exactly my point.
Out of everything whirring in my head, this never crossed my mind. So, at this moment I just allow my eyebrows to shoot upward and my eyes to narrow. This lady has to be kidding.
But I didn't dare open my mouth. Instead, I let the silence suffocate me. The room would be nice if it weren't for the towers of files everywhere. Not that the hard wooden chair beneath my ass is doing much to help my positive outlook.
Despite my disbelief, the ancient woman in front of me opens her mouth again. I strain to listen to her scratchy voice as she attempts to "console" me.
"I know you aren't fond of the idea, but you should give it a chance. It is a really good household. A big house not too far from a nice school... This is a good chance for you. You are lucky," The woman attempts to smile at me, but only ends up looking like she is in great pain.
"Look, I know you are trying to help me have a better life etcetera etcetera, but I am old enough to take care of myself. They can't be that special," I crossed my barely muscular arms.
The truth is I have no clue how to take care of myself. I might talk big, but the headmistress knows just as well as I, it is far from true.
"Jamie," She let out a sigh that sounds exhausted and so worn out. I almost expect dust to escape her mouth, "Give it a chance."
Her dull eyes meet mine behind big ladybug print glasses. I take a moment to really look at her. Frizzy hair so gray it is practically white, skin like crushed and rolled up paper. It legitimately looks like us kids walk all over her. The fact that her floral print dress is wrinkled to the point of no return adds onto her look.
Tossing the idea around for a minute I finally let up a bit, breathing in slowly, "Can you tell me more about them first?"
Maybe knowing more about them will put my racing mind at ease. Trust isn't my strong suit, to say the least.
"Well, they are a married couple with children," She pauses but doesn't continue.
Holy shit.
I didn't even think of them having kids.
Before I can react, an image appears in my brain. What if they don't like me? I am invading their home and personal space. Goosebumps race up my skin and my stomach churns.
"Why-"
The woman holds her thin hand up, cutting me off. I hate being shut up, it only makes me want to talk more than before.
"Jamie, the couple is not like most foster parents. I think this is your best bet at a family," I give an exaggerated roll of my eyes at the last part, more like my only bet, "Do you want to go with them, Jaime?"
I feel cotton starting to grow in my throat after she puts me on the spot. Do I really need a family that bad? The surface answer is no, but the honest answer? Probably.
Maybe it isn't so bad. If they couldn't bring in another kid why would they?
"I need time to think about it. Is that okay?"
"Of course. However, eventually I will need an answer, Jaime," Her eyes soften a little as I stand up.
When I grab the doorknob, the elderly lady speaks, "Don't forget," Her glasses slide down her long and thin nose, "There will always be a place for you here, alright?"
These words and her smile make my shoulders relax.
"Thank you," I smile back, a tight but honest smile.
My throat squeezes as I leave the dusty office. I sit on the couch and watched Adventure Time with Jack and Sunny. However, I'm not paying attention to it.
Thoughts of family crowd my head. Should I even be thinking about it? I'm a foster kid. Shouldn't I want a home?
• • •
After contemplating for three days, I decide to accept their offer. I'm lucky to even have a choice, most foster kids are stuck wherever they can get. It feels wrong to say no to them.
I spend the whole day with my family. I am worried about the younger ones and how they are going to deal with it. I make sure to even read the twins an extra bedtime story.
At dinner everyone acted too normal. As if me leaving wasn't even happening. Sunny made jokes, Alex and Ginni argue, while Naomi keeps the peace. Travis doesn't show for dinner.
Everything is as it normally is. Every single day it's a cycle. Maybe I need a change. If I don't want to stay there I can always come back.
I throw myself on my bed and bite my lip. My chestnut waves cover my face beneath a pillow, while I nervously stay awake. A few hours later Jaycee sneaks into my room and sleeps beside me. I pretend not to notice her tears while she snuggles deeper into the comforter.
This is my family. Will anything meet the standards of this?
Sleep overcomes me, but it's dreamless and empty. In the morning I am going to hate myself for staying awake so late. Tomorrow, I will finally know what it's like to be more than Jaime, the foster kid.
• • •
My room has always been anything but special. Stacks of notebooks I never used, band posters of groups I had grown away from, video games, and miscellaneous things. It is easy to pack everything up. Even better: everything fit into two boxes and a suitcase. I even get rid of some things too.
Glancing around the room it looks bland. With the beige walls stripped and the wooden floor cleared. It is practically foreign to me.
Do I really want to leave? Second thoughts fill my mind as if a volcano had erupted somewhere deep in my thoughts.
This is insane! I know nothing about these people. So why am I packing up so quickly? My head hurts already from the questions. I can only imagine what it will be like when I finally get to their house. I don't even know if they live nearby.
Trudging down the stairs, I can smell the mixed aromas of the separate breakfasts in the dining room. The home is often loud and filled to the brim with noise. But now, it is dead silent.
"Everyone," Calls the headmistress from the front door, "Jamie is leaving in a few minutes, it is best to say goodbye now."
She turns to me, eyes looking tired but also relieved to see one of us make it out of here. I couldn't pin her expression but I know she is just happy for me.
Today she sports a sunflower blouse and pen skirt with tan shoes. Honestly, the room feels a little more calm with her presence.
"The family will be here in about 7 minutes to pick you up...Did you grab your toothbrush and essentials?"
Before she could worry anymore, I nod and bear hug her. I am barely able to croak out a thank you before I release her.
"You're welcome back at any time...I'm sure they aren't going to mind you visiting."
I laugh and hug her a moment longer than before. Reluctantly letting go, I face the tear-filled eyes and frowns of my friends.
I count heads. Immediately I realize that one isn't here. Travis is missing, but I thought he would want to see me before I left.
I can't help the frown that dawns on my face. That idiot. Didn't he care that he might not see me again?
Just when my hands start to ball up, two small pairs of arms wrap around my midsection. Jaycee and Jack, the young twins who were just babies when they were brought to us. Now, they were both eight years old.
"Why do you have to leave?" Hiccups Jaycee, the short blonde twin who's brown eyes hold so much love.
I already am starting to miss taking her with me to the store. She is such a ball of sunshine.
"Jay," Croaked an eerie and frequently congested Jack, "He has to...He will come back...right Jamie?"
Jack is also intelligent for his age. With the same blonde hair and brown eyes, his hair is longer than his sister's. Both of them are still dressed in pajamas, their hair unruly. I smile at them sadly, then kneel down to see them.
"Of course. I will come to see you guys whenever you want me to. Plus, Travis and Ginni have my number so you can call too..." I finally hug their small bodies and squeeze, "You better be good for the headmistress alright?" I ruffle Jack's hair.
Straightening up to face whatever is next, Sunny approaches me. Now twelve, this mathematical genius is better at algebra than I'll ever be.
Sunny is averagely tall for his age with nicely buzzed black hair, almond eyes, and deep caramel skin. I can suddenly remember all the times we spent making dumb jokes together that nobody laughed at but us. I was going to miss that.
"Leaving us already, James?" He chuckles and shakes his head.
Sunny finds it hilarious to call me by anything that isn't my name.
"Hate to break it to you, but yes," I laugh too, but it's empty.
We hug, and I inhale softly. Sunny always smells like salt and honey. Which is sorta strange but it works, believe me.
After making more jokes, Sunny had to leave for tutoring. He helps some elementary schoolers catch up to their classes.
Hugs keep on going. Next comes Ginni, who insists that we go to the mall together soon. She is chocolate skinned with pink hair and brown eyes. She often wears crazy contacts and makeup but today she is stripped down to her beautiful natural skin and hair. She is almost as old as I am. She just missed the mark by a few months.
Then comes Alex. They are 14 and we argue a lot. But when we weren't arguing we were discussing politics. We agree with that and a few other things. Alex is a light tan with bright blue eyes, they also keep a bun on top of their head all the time as a signature look. When their sides are shaved with patterns in it, they are cool and stylish. Now, however, their hair is down and wavy in their face. Alex is into boxing and cooking, typically they make the food around here
Naomi hugs me and barely mutters, "I am going to miss you."
I knew she cares, but she has always been extremely soft-spoken. Her red hair is knotted into a ponytail, while her green eyes stare at me a minute. I look at her freckles and realize I am going to miss her more than anything.
Naomi is who I talk to when I am stressed, angry, or upset. Known as the neutral artist in the home, she always knows what to say to make everyone calm down. I knew she will do the same when I leave.
After the room is emptied, it gets cold. I have two minutes to burn and still, Travis hasn't made an appearance. Upset doesn't even begin to cover it.
In short, Travis and I have an interesting relationship.
We came to this foster facility at the same time. He was aggressive and wild back then, maybe a bit mean. We were only nine at the time but still, even seven years later he is the same. Not mean, but aggressive and stubborn.
I swear under my breath as tears start to roll down my cheeks. I can't believe he is still going to avoid me when he is the one who kissed me a few weeks ago. I thought we were fine. Since then we have been affectionate, but only behind everyone's back. We even cuddled on the couch and messed around with each other in his bed a few days ago. Now that I am leaving he wants nothing to do with me?
"Stupid asshole I-"
Suddenly I feel thin, but lean arms around my waist and a head on my shoulder. Immediately my body relaxes. I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding.
Travis Walters.
Dark brown hair and perfect chocolate eyes that hold even deeper specks of gold. His skin is whiter than the snow itself. I have been close to him enough to have memorized his entire face and body. From the way that his subtle muscles dip, to the way his eyelashes cast a shadow over his cheeks.
"Why did you take so long? I have to leave in like a minute and here you are snuggling up to me like you did nothing wrong." I start to whisper rant while he tips my chin.
He shoots a breathtaking smile my way, "I'm sorry. I overslept. Don't be angry with me, baby."
I feel my frown lift into a pleasant smile.
"Shut up. I'm still mad at you," I easily wiggle around to face him, god he is beautiful.
Then we are kissing. Slowly and passionately. My lips part while his tongue seeks mine, he has me wrapped around his finger. My arms pull him closer while they keep his neck enclosed. I am breathless and my lips are going to be swollen. But I don't care. I never will.
A kiss from him is worth all the pain in the world.
I am his. And he is mine.
I breathe him in deeply. Before we hear the dreaded knock on the door. His warmth fades away faster than it came. As soon as he pulls himself from me, I feel more alone than ever before.