Beam inhaled the air of the country he had been leaving for almost seven years. The warm weather -compared to the winter- even when it was rainy season, the humidity of the summer, the sky, the people, the language.
He went to South Korea once he graduated from the university earlier than Phana and Kit by a year. The feeling of wanting to escape from Forth and all the memories about that night was overwhelming and Beam went ambitious on his mark and grade in the campus.
He was straight and he didn't want to be with Forth at all. All he did that night, about Kit, about Forth, it felt unfamiliar, felt disappointing, felt strange. He felt like the person he always saw in the mirror every morning was eventually became a stranger. And it scared him. He can't believe that it will take those years to finally lose himself.
"Ai'Beam."
"What else?"
"I'll stop."
"Stop what?"
"I'll stop chasing after you so please sta-"
"Then stop."
Beam remembered the last day he spent in Thailand seven years ago was in Engineering's faculty's canteen. It was raining and he was talking face to face with Forth after a year without communications. The dusk came and Forth bought him a cup of hot chocolate, saying that it'll be the last.
It was a little bit sweet but it was bitter too. He still can taste it in some part of his tongue, and a little corner of his amygdala. Those spark of desperations, the fear in that calm voice. He saw Forth shut his mouth by a glance of his. He was feeling sick of it all. Phana was with Yo and Kit was finally with Ming. Maybe the saying was true. It'll be easier for you to lose yourself after you lose everything.
He can't stand to lose himself. He had been lost against himself, against that one night, against Forth. Forth's feeling felt absolute and it felt like a losing game. The sincerity, the gentleness, the stubbornness, for the sake of his. Beam thought he had love wrapped around his fingers, but for the first time in his entire life, the wild, burning love scared him.
Just like today when he arrived at Suvarnabhumi Airport, because Phana and Kit had scheduled surgeries, that day, he was also alone when he was at the airport because Pha and Kit still had exam block week.
He did great in South Korea. He had done everything he could do, he had been super busy, he had lost his times doing all the practices, workshops, presentations, surgeries with the local's different and stricter work ethics. Still, he had achieved the things in his bucket list. Money, fame, trust, everything he thought as good for a human to be alive for.
But after five years enduring, he was tired and he lost himself even more.
His chest was heavy at night with empty bottles of soju and beer in the room's floor when he took days off. Love scared him once and now he was eaten by loneliness and unrecognized self. Night sky was just another night sky without stars in the middle of the busy night of big city. It was all the same, but his eyes told him that the night sky in Ilsan was different from those in Bangkok. Not that he can differentiate them tho. He had always been living at nights and works when the daylight came.
The girls in Korea were all pretty and cute with mostly very pale skin and sharp glares. He loved the eye smile and the way they gave strangers the cold shoulders. The way they called him Oppa thrilled him at first. They felt right in his arms. They love how sweet they were in the morning before they went separated again.
But after six years enduring, he just wanted someone to chat in Thai language when he got drunk, and when the morning came. And none of those beauties filled the requirements.
"Ai'Beam-"
"I said stop!"
Beam came out of his taxi after he asked the driver to stop at the nearby café on the side of one of Bangkok's main road. It had been seven years, there were even more of high towers now and he had never seen this café before.
He had passed some café on the way to his new condo, but this one took his attention because of the yellowish lights decorated in front of the café's door and the 'Open' sign on the glass door. It was 12.05 am and it was the first café he found still open at the hours.
There was almost no one there when he stepped on the wooden floor of the café. The jazz music played on the back ground and the scent of the coffee gave him an instant comfort. Beam inhaled deeply as he looked around, walking to the counter.
"Sawadee khrub," the guy behind the counter said with a smile and Beam just nodded in longing. "What would you like to have?"
Beam looked up at the menus written in Thai's letters on the boards above despite the menu sheet in front of him.
He caught Americano at first glance, aeropress, cold drip, v60, everything seemed to be there.
"Hot chocolate," Beam ordered.
"Alright, one hot chocolate. Do you want any topping? Cho-"
"No, thanks."
"Alright, no topping, anything else? We have egg ta-"
"No, thanks," Beam said softly again.
"Alright, just one hot chocolate. What's the name?"
"Baramee."
"Alright, Mr. Baramee. It's-"
Beam handed him his gold card.
"Alright, thank you. Please sign here, ". "Yes, thank you,". "Please have a seat, we will bring it to your table. Thank you."
Beam nodded and he looked around to choose a table. He choose a table for two, the one next to the big glass window on the left side of the café. He wanted to just watch over the rainy night outside. His breath fogged up the glass window even more when he leaned his head against the window.
The hot chocolate came in a caramel colored mug and smokes. Beam just stared at it for a while before he straightened up his body and then he tried a sip of it.
It was sweet. It was bitter too. That kind of not too sweet, not too bitter combination, the rich taste of the real chocolate, the golden proportion of everything, even the warmth. Beam opened his eyes wider as he observed the drink closer.
He wasn't a fans of chocolate. Only coffee and beer befriended him whenever he wanted to relax. It had been seriously a while since the last time he drunk a mug of hot chocolate, in such a rainy, dark sky. He wondered if hot chocolate was supposed to be this tasty, he wondered if it supposed to be this kind of sweet, this much of bitterness.
Beam leaned his back against the back rest of the seat and he heaved a sigh.
"Beam."
"Stop following me around."
"Beam, wait."
" Please."
"Pom ruk khun ."
His full lips curved into a smile, his chest filled up with the feelings he had been unable to feel these past years. He can't remember the last time he got some times to relax like this. Even he could only send video messages and gift for Phana and Yo, also Ming and Kit's marriages.
"I'm sorry--"
And Beam had never thought that he will be a regular to that café.
Beam got three days off before he started his new days in one of the best international hospital in Bangkok. After he finished arranging his stuff in his new condo, on his new office, Beam always went by taxi and spent his three days off in that café until it was 10.
He loved to read the medical journals or simply staring out of the window until he fell asleep for a little while. He didn't need anymore music because the jazzy, swing music playlist the café played was always up to his liking. He loved the scent of coffee, the vague sounds of people talking, and the rain outside the café. But especially, he loved the hot chocolate. He thought he can't live without this café anymore and he knew he'll be doomed once he got his first workload soon.
But even then, never once he thought about the café when he met up with Phana and Kit. Besides, Phana and Kit always had a place and a thing to show him around in those three days and a week after that. They can't stop hugging him and telling him how much they missed him and how much Bangkok had changed. It wasn't as if they didn't give each other calls or texts, but when they met face to face in their homeland, it felt rather different, rather more exciting. In addition, Beam was on his days off . They had bunches of stories and experiences to tell him. They also loved to invite Beam for a dinner out or simply a lunch together. Only when they were gone, the idea of the café appeared again in his head, as if it was his only escape from the loneliness after his best friends left. And he always went there by taxi because he really didn't feel like driving and wanted a total relaxation everytime he went there.
And everytime he found himself being like that, he can't help but to curve a subtle smile on his full lips. The café gave off a familiar feeling from the past.
Even after Beam started his new job, he always took time to at least go to that café once in three days. Usually, he could only went there after ten tho. But it was ok since the café will open 'till two in the morning.
Until one day, it was ten twenty when he arrived at that café and it was closed already.
Beam was moonstruck. He froze on his spot in front of the café's door. The light was off, and he didn't see it since he was busy with his journals before he stepped out of the taxi.
Beam looked around. He then looked at the café closer. But it was really closed with the second layer of steel door locked behind the glass door, even padlocked with this big padlock and chain. So Beam only sighed and stopped another taxi to get back to his condo.
Beam did never knew that it will happen for two weeks.
And it drove Beam nuts. As a new, 'imported (handsome) doctor', he got crazy amount of workload and trust, he can't even go there before ten for two weeks in a row. Beam can't even go home for at least three days. Phana said, it will calm down a bit after some time.
It was still a rainy day, right a month after that hard time. And Pha was right, his work normalized and he got some time to relax. He hadn't been sleeping for two days but he went to that café instead of his condo because he will not get another chance in the next two days.
"Oh, no..." Beam whispered as the taxi stopped and Beam looked outside of the taxi's window.
It was nine thirty but the café was already closed.
Beam frowned when he saw the café's lights were off and the 'Closed' sign was there, but the steel door and the curtain wasn't closed. And he could see someone sitting there alone with medium light inside of the café.
So, Beam got off the taxi and run to the door, trying to get minimum wetness from the rain on his shirt as much as he could, then he knocked on the door. He promised, he will only ask for the hot chocolate.
It was dim, and Beam could only see the face when the guy was right on the other side of the glass door, looking straight at him. Apparently, that guy couldn't see his face too because the light outside the café was off.
Beam staggered backward when he saw the face behind the glass door.
A man with black shirt, with two unbuttoned upper buttons, wrapped his firm chest and torso, with rolled up sleeves and shining rolex on his left wrist, long legs and firm thighs wrapped under the trousers, he had shiny formal black shoes on his feet. The tan skin, the divine features of his face; that high bridged nose, those strong eyebrows, the sharp stare, the bow shaped lips-was almost the same. He had his hair brushed back, revealed his forehead, left it with some strands of black hair hanging to his forehead. But he had bloodshot, now widened, eyes, and dark circles under his eyes. He looked messy, but still looked amazing even then.
They froze in their spots before finally the man flashed him a smile that never reached his eyes and unlocked the door.
"I'm-"
"It's ok, B," the man paused. "Baramee," the man said gently as he brushed back those strands of hair, still smiling, and let Beam in. So Beam nodded and walked in with a shaking heart.
Beam chest felt tight when he could breathe in the same scent he wanted so much to despise seven years ago when he walked pass by him. His heart beat faster, but it wasn't just a nice feeling.
Beam wait for the man to locked the door and walked with him to the table.
"Please have a seat," the man said politely while gesturing his hand to the empty seat across him, as if Beam was his business partner or something.
"Thanks," Beam answered politely and he sat on the seat.
"What would you like to drink?"
Beam lifted his brows.
"I can make it for you, I'm sure," the man said gently with his handsome smile and made Beam wanted to say that one menu he had been craving for.
"I'm just..." Beam paused. "Hot chocolate."
"Anything else? Have you had your dinne-"
"Only hot chocolate," Beam said. "please.."
"Alright," the man said. "Please wait."
And the man disappeared to the kitchen.
Beam turned his head to the table in front of him. There was glasses, a closed laptop, documents. Beam was face palming himself. He felt like it will be better if he didn't get in this café when that man asked to. Things always went out of his way everytime he was with him.
After some time, the man came back with a mug of hot chocolate. He put it down on the table in front of Beam and Beam stared at it for a while.
He used to stared at the precious smokey drink for a while, but this time, his eyes moved faster than his brain and stared at the face across him instead.
"Hello," the man greeted softly, probably, shyly, awkwardly.
"Hi there, J," Beam paused. "Ai'Forth, stop it. Don't act too formally. You make things awkward," Beam protested and there, the chuckled bloomed a little, filling in Beam's ears and some of the corner of his cold heart.
"Alright," Forth nodded with a subtle smile, he leaned his back against the backrest, acting more comfortable in front of Beam's eyes. He crossed his long limbs and putted his hands on the knee.
Beam saw a ring on the finger and he smiled.
"I heard from Ming that you're here, since a month ago?" Forth asked gently.
"Yeah, I've been a regular to this café even. I can only relax here," Beam heaved a sigh. "But this café been closing at ten when I can only afford going here around ten. This sucks."
Forth chuckled again.
"Really?"
"For real. I don't know what you're doing here, but it seems like you know the owner well and can get in here anytime you want. So if you know the owner, please tell him, her that someone out there is seriously in need of the chocolate-", "wait, you made the chocolate."
Forth nodded and Beam took a sip of it.
He blinked as he put the mug down and stared at those blood shot eyes across him.
"You made this?" Beam asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"You sure?"
"You don't like it?"
"No, I, I love it so-"
"Can't believe it right?" Forth chuckled again.
"Yeah..." Beam said. "Do you know the owner?"
Forth chuckled.
"Your friend?"
"He's here."
"Where? There is no one besides us, right?"
"Exactly."
"You're the owner?!"
Forth just chuckled and nodded.
"Not funny, Ai'Forth."
But Forth just laughed so Beam really was speechless.
"Then, then what are you doing closing your café earlier? You really gave me a hard time!" Beam protested.
"Sorry..." Forth said with jumps of chuckles.
"So what are you doing here?"
"Just like you, this is probably the only place I can feel relaxed..."
"Don't say that you close it early because you want it to yourself?"
"You got me."
"Woah..." Beam said in disbelief. "You must be so rich now you can close your café anytime you want."
Forth just smiled.
"Yeah, I can see that."
"So, you're working nearby?"
"Yeah, just four blocks from here."
"Ah, that hospital..." Forth said and Beam just nodded. "Are you staying?"
"Yeah," Beam answered and he took gulps of the hot chocolate. "So, what are you doing? You don't seem to be relaxed right now, Sir."
Forth just smiled.
"This is the most relaxed state I can get at time, doc."
Beam nodded.
"Workloads?" Beam asked and Forth just gave him a weak smile.
"How're you doing? Why are you moving back?"
"Can't I?" Beam asked back and Forth just laughed. "I think I'm just... kinda tired and homesick..."
"Hard work ethics?"
"Yeah," Beam nodded.
Forth just nodded.
"How 'bout you? I see you've got married," Beam said as he gave Forth's ring a glance.
"And divorced," Forth said again as he took off his ring and putted it down on the table. "The court made it official today."
"Wha--... sorry..." Beam answered, got frozen in instant.
"It's ok..." Forth said weakly before he got his frown hardened and those sharp eyes avoiding his eyes, teared up.
"Aw, Forth..." Beam got off of his seat and he squatted down next to Forth's legs, caressed Forth's slopped down broad shoulder.
And Forth can't keep his head up anymore. His broad shoulders were slopped down, shook in every kind of pain. "So sorry..." Beam said as he saw a drop of tear fell to Forth's lap. He stood up and pulled Forth to his chest, hug him.
"It's, it's ok, B-". "Beam..." Forth said softly. "I should've known it...", "my limit...". "Can never make anyone stays..."
And upon that, Beam's chest no longer felt tight, his heart didn't beat faster than usual anymore. It felt like his heart had fallen to his stomach and he wondered if dying would feel like this since he only even saw it happening to his patient.
"No..." Beam whispered.
"Been wondering what's wrong with the way I love..." Forth said softly with restrained jumps of sobs. "I've always loved whole heartedly... have always loved her so whole heartedly...".
"I know..." Beam whispered as he caressed the head on his chest.
"This is all my fault..."
"No..."
"I made her cry again today, This is really my fault, Beam...".
Beam just shook his head with hard frown on his face.
"That's why I will always be the one who is told to go, the one who is being let go..."Forth paused. "Beam, I loved her so much..."
And Beam could only saw blurs until all the pain melted down to his cheeks secretly and he hug Forth's tightly on his chest.
And he cried in silent with Forth in his arms.
"I'll stop so please stay..."
He wondered if it was what people said as so close yet so far. He wondered if this was what people said as always wanting what one didn't have. He wondered if this was what people said as regret. If regret was another name of love.
And he had lost it again. He lost everything again. He had lost his everything, his regret, his love. Seeing Forth crying for love, seeing him blaming himself for the love he lost. Beam broke his own heart again.
And maybe it wasn't an 'again', because apparently he had always broken.
The love he didn't dare to have, the only one he wanted from the very beginning.
And he hated it how it was the only way he can stop himself from losing his self.
"Beam?"
That voice called his name again and he can't help but to fall in love with Forth for the nth time tonight, in his life time.
"Beam, what..." Forth said softly as he pulled out of the hug and held Beam's wrist just to pull him to sit on the table in front of him. "What happened?" Forth asked as he bent a little so he could catch Beam's lowered eyes. Beam bet he was surprised because he cried with him. "What..." Forth whispered softly as he caressed Beam's forearms gently. "I'm... I'm sorry,"
"--Forth loves Beam khrub."
"I'm sorry, Beam, I didn't mean-" Forth paused because Beam shook his head and held his left hand with both of his pale hands.
"Forth-" Beam sobbed because even after he watched people died, only now he really understand how heavy someone's name was. Apparently Forth's name was heavier than he had ever thought. "I know you're sad but you know how selfish I am."
"No, you're no-"
"So for one more time," Beam's voice was shook, and Forth could hear how much Beam tried to restrain his sobs and tell Forth his words clearly. "Just one last time, let me be selfish again."
Forth only stared closely at Beam, waiting patiently for Beam to finish whatever point he tried to make.
"This-" Beam paused and tried to hold in his sob again. "This will give you a chance to be-" another restrained sob. "to be the one who let go-"
Beam huffed a sigh.
"Forth," Beam said and he dared himself to look up at Forth.
And Forth just looked back at him leniently.
"How if it's all not about work ethics or Thailand...?" Beam asked and he tried to sooth Forth's worry by flashing him a smile. "How if a person is the one made me feeling homesick, being far from that person...?"
What if it wasn't the hot chocolate that comforted him but its resemblance to the feeling of being loved by a certain someone?
The memories won't ever enough for Beam. Never.
Beam could see Forth's frown got hardened.
"I know you just got divorced today and I know you're broken hearted right now..., so I will give you as much as time you need to get over it..." Beam said as he held Forth's face just to wipe away the trail of the tears on the handsome face with his thumb, just gently. "And I am willing to give you the whole everything in me to get over it too."
"What-"
"I am sorry-".
"Beam-"
"I love you."
Forth was clearly taken aback as the held back tear was finally falling on one of those reddish cheeks of Beam in front of his eyes. Then another one. Even Beam surprised at how he sounded.
He sounded scared.
Again, love scared him. For the second time in his life, for the same person he had always fallen for.
"This is not appropriat--"
"Use all the time I can give you in my entire life to get over your sadness and heal," Beam said because he decided to be brave, he decided to get hurt. "But come back to me. Just come home to me."
The tears still fell on his cheeks one by one as Beam held Forth's seat's backrest and pulled Forth closer to him, to between his thighs he was willingly to spread for him.
"Use me to get over your sadness too..." and Beam leaned closer to give Forth's lips a kiss. And although Forth didn't kiss back he pulled away with a smile. Because he decided to love him whole heartedly, unrequitedly.
Beam knew the tears did never stop.
How can it stop when everything he held so tightly in his heart forb7 years suddenly came out, exploded among the sadness, loneliness, regrets, faking normality.
"I don't know what you're thinking right now and that makes me scared..." Beam said and chuckled, still with tears fell one by one, calmly on his cheeks.
But that was fine, because loving Forth had always been scary for him.
For Forth fell harder and deeper than anybody else.
And he did never want to take part in hurting him.
Beam smiled and he got down from the table. He walked back to his seat and took his stuff with him.
"But I've promised you that loving you will be the last selfishness I will do. So if you want me to go right now for being so selfish and confess at time like this, I'll go."
Beam heaved a sigh as Forth was still staring at him with those unreadable eyes, without a single word. He just knew that Forth can never hit him no matter how angry he was at him.
And so Beam smiled again as he wiped away the calm tears on his cheeks and walked to Forth. He decided to just go and make everything easier for Forth
"Good night," Beam said as he tip toed just a little to kiss his love good night on his cheek. "See you," Beam said again and he sniffled and wiped his endless tears from his cheeks again.
Then he walked to the doorway.
It was still raining but loving Forth started to be more painful than he thought.
Beam stood there in front of the locked padlock. He sighed. He forgot Forth locked it.
Beam heaved a sigh and he decided to see the handsome face that just by seeing it pained him in some ways.
"Forth, the padlock..." Beam said and he turned around only when he saw Forth walked towards him.
But instead of unlocking it, Forth closed the steel door and locked it.
Beam turned his head to Forth who was towering him from his side.
"I don't know if this is me just using you or what but,". "Let me take your offer," Forth said, as he stared at the keys in his hand, a little too coldly for Beam.
Beam nodded. He then held Forth's arm and stared at him.
Doesn't even matter anymore.
Forth who was unable to stop feeling the stare finally turned his face to Beam.
And his eyes was welcomed by Beam brushed Forth's hair back with a smile. And Forth leaned just to give Beam a kiss on the wet cheek.
Then Forth led him to the back door where he parked his black Jeep Cherokee.
**
Just like that morning, Forth woke up first and he found Beam in his arms. But not like that night, he ended up spent the night cuddling Beam to sleep instead of a sex.
Forth heaved a sigh as he stared at Beam's face. Last night gave him the biggest headache in his head.
He felt rather happy when Beam confessed and it made him thought a lot about his ex wife. Was he really not in love with her? But he was sure that he will not be happy if it wasn't Beam. So, was he seriously only using his ex wife as an escape from Beam's leave? Using her to prove that he can make one stay? Was he crying because she left him? Because he felt like he had made her unhappy? Or was he crying because he disappointed and failed himself at proving that he was capable to make one stay?
But their wedding day was the happiest time he had in his entire live and he didn't think that he'll feel that way if it wasn't her.
Forth stared at the peaceful sleeping face in front of him.
And he felt bad for thinking that he felt that happy when Beam said he loved him after the divorce. So can a person be in love with two people at a same time? Was he really capable to fall in love with her only because he saw Beam was hating him that much and so he stopped chase after him? So, was Beam always sitting in the hidden first place even when he loved her?
Forth rubbed his face in frustration. He can't understand what happened with him, nor his heart. Maybe he was just a jerk that used Beam, again, to vent out his fruatration.
But maybe he had already decided to love Beam forever even if secretly-
Bzzzt....bbzzzt.... bzzzttt....
"Hello, Dr. Beam here-" Beam sat himself up with still closed eyes and phone up on his ear. "Fuck, Phana, I know, today's workshop- I know I won't sleep o- Asshole, I've made an alarm on my phone, don't worry- Yea, don't worry- I told you not to worry, bastard you just ruined my rare sleep. Fuck you, I told Kit there is no need to call me so why did he tell you to- You should not be afraid of him, coward-" Beam heaved a sigh. "I won't skip breakfast, Ai'Kit, Ai'Pha, Yes, I understand. Thank you..."
Beam hung up in annoyance before he threw his phone lightly to the space next to him on the bed and then threw his back against the bed.
Only then he realized that he wasn't alone in the bed, and this wasn't even his condo, but Forth's!
"Shit!" Beam yelped in surprise and he sat himself up again. he looked around, including to his body and Forth's body.
Well, Forth was topless, but he could feel Forth was wearing a sweatpants and he was wearing one of Forth t-shirt and short.
"You just cried and told me that you love me last night but you even talked to another men before you talk to me today."
Beam heaved a sigh as he gave the smiling Forth an unamused face and he scratched his already messy bed hair.
"I'm sorry," Beam said with a frown.
Forth was still having a frown on his face when he showed Beam his cheek.
"What?"
Forth just stayed silent.
"Oh fuck..." Beam shook his head and he gave Forth a kiss on his cheek.
"Right, you should at least kiss me good morning like that."
Beam just rubbed his face.
"You aren't angry anymore?"
"I am not angry."
"Last night you were angry," Beam protested.
"I was confused," Forth protested back. "And surprised because someone confessed his feelings with smile while crying."
"So, you're not angry?" Beam asked.
"No, of course not," Forth said. "I'm sorry if I scared you," Forth reached up his hand to Beam's head and caressed his hair.
"And you..." Beam said. "You seriously wanna take the offer?"
"Yes."
"But last night, you didn't even-"
"Let's just get married first and do everything as much as we want."
"What?!"
"I'm tired... it's right that i am not in my right mind but I think I'm too old to play this boyfriend stuff. I know you, you know me. So let's just get married and never gt divorced no matter how ruined we are later?" Forth said as he took out his phone unlocked it, and typed something on it.
Ruined.
Everything has been ruined since Beam left thousands kilometers away from him just to avoid him.
There's nothing to ruin anymore.
He was at the bottom of it finally. There was only one way and it was up.
"Do you prefer white gold?" Forth asked.
And Beam scoffed.
Kinda heartless.
But Forth needs to get back up after 7 years of drowning.
"Err, I mean... we can take all the time you need to--"
"Please, this is my first marriage can you do it properly? You are not even sitting up!" Beam protested. He held Forth's arm and pulled him to sit up.
Forth scoffed in relief as he held Beam with both of his arms and pulled him laid on the bed instead while chuckling.
"Your Highness, please choose the rings," Forth said gently as he held Beam in his arm, looking at the premium rings listed on the phone screen together.
"Anything?"
"Sure," Forth said gently.
"So you're really filthy rich, aren't you?" Beam asked and Forth just chuckled. "No seriously, it was only a café tho."
"I worked in my father's company. That café is just a... side dish..." Forth said again. " You wanna take a branch?"
"No, Forth, I'm already dead with this hospital works..."
"Yeah, sorry, I just want you to know that there is a café you can own if things becomes too much for you in the hospital..." Forth said softly. "I mean, I know you've been living as a doctor. I know you can do it better than anyone else. But I just... want you to just let me do the work, I want you to have the holidays."
"Forth, we aren't even married..." Beam said softly.
"Ah, right, so, please choose the ring, so I can make a proper marriage proposal to your parents."
"Then how about me?!"
Forth heaved a sigh and he smiled. He then took out the gear bracelet from the night stand and sat himself up and showed Beam his bed hair.
"Baramee Vongpiphat, would you change it to Baramee Jamornkul?"
Holy shit. Beam didn't even think that Forth will say that kind of sentence instead of the ordinary 'Would you marry me?' one.
This was too fast, way too fast. But it wasn't that fast when you've been with each other in the back of your head for the past 7 years even if you were not physically with them.
"Y, yea, yea, hurry now, the ring," Beam said with a red cheeks as he took the gear bracelet, because it went more embarrassing than he thought.
They are just liars. Lovers.
"The injustice...you didn't even sit..." Forth chuckled and leaned back to the bed. Making his arm as Beam's pillow again.
"Shut upppp," Beam said and quickly turned his focus on the phone because it was getting even more embarrassing.
"You're blushing-" Forth said quickly and Beam just covered his mouth with his palm.
Forth just chuckled. He then kissed Beam's palm. Beam just looked up to him and met his eyes. Forth saw Beam's pale cheeks reddened even more. Now Beam moved his hand from covering Forth's mouth to cover his eyes.
For the first time ever there will be no need to hold back anymore.
"Beam..." "i knew you're my only one from the start..." Forth said. "And so I proposed to you like this..."
"This is not proper!"
For the first time ever there will be no lies anymore.
"I know, I'll sure suprise you with one later," Forth said. "But you know... I am still healing... I accept the offer because you promised me you can give me time..."
What even is he saying after he was the one who proposed?
"I know..." "Then should we do this later--"
Forth shook his head.
But only now he can be honest to himself.
Turth was he can never forget Beam even after the marriage. He will never reassuract from the heartbreak years ago when Beam went away just to stay away from him. And it stayed like that for the last 7 years.
That the marriage was "not clear" because he did things with Beam in his head, altho he always said that he loved her all his life, and did give her everything she needed, she wanted. He fooled himself so hard his heart became so rotten.
He wanted to cry because the same love that hurt him the most in his whole life was there in his arms but he can't punch him in the face or even say no to him.
It was the fact. Forth just wanted to be with Beam and the other way around from the beginning of their story. Nothing ever changed ever since, only faces and body.
So before the tear fell down, he tilted his head and kissed Beam's cheek, for a good while, hiding his face.
He is a villain. They are the villains.
"T, too long... You're embarrassing!" Beam whisoered while chuckling and yelped when Forth just wrapped his arms around his body and held him on top of him.
Beam slowly removed his hand from Forth's eyes. And their eyes met again in silence.
He could see Beam's eyes moved from staring at his left eyes to his right eyes twice before he bowed his eyes and smiled shyly.
As if those 7 years never happened.
While the hero will sacrifice you to save everyone else, the villain will sacrifice everything and everyone else to choose you.
"I..." Beam whispered. "I love you."
"If I love you back can you take a day off and spend today just the two of us?"
Yes. They were both the villains.
"Shit, no, Forth, let's just choose the ring!" Beam protested as he sat on Forth's toned stomach.
Forth just laughed as he can't stop staring at that face he had always failed not to miss.
He reached his hand up to Beam and caressed Beam's bed hair again, and Beam just leaned on the caress while keep scrolling on his phone.
Forth smiled.
Maybe they were just stuck with each other- Forth shook his head he held Bem close to his chest, hugging him tightly before he turned around so now Beam was in his arms, under him, sandwiched between his weight and the soft king sized bed. He inhaled his scent. He melted their warmth together.
Beam is his. Beam is his at last.
No, let's call it they were destined for each other.
***
I am Sorry, I love You End