Chapter Eight: Question
I knew Utah wasn't optional. I live with my parents and I don't have any money. I have no choice.
So I went back. My siblings are back in school and I'm home all the time while my parents work. The highlight of my day is when people are home and I have somebody to talk to.
I went on one walk through town, saw somebody I used to sell drugs to, and went straight back home.
Mom and Dad are concerned because it's been two weeks and the only time I leave the house are for my therapy sessions.
So now, with a lot of nagging, I've agreed to go to the grocery store with my Mom.
We're standing in the alcohol aisle because Mom is having a few friends from work over to drinks tonight. My arms are wrapped around me because it's cold in this aisle.
She's asking if she should get beer or get a bottle of wine and I open my mouth to tell her to get wine, but in that moment I turn my head and see Alex walking down the aisle with his head down.
My eyes bug out of my head and the next thing I know, I'm grabbing Mom's purse and her wrist and physically dragging her out of the aisle, nearly running.
I drag her all the way to the toilet paper aisle and stop.
"Katherine! What the hell?"
"Alex is here!" I hiss.
Her face fills with distaste.
"See? This is why I can't leave the house!" I whisper shout at her, frustrated. "I went on one walk, Mom! One! And I saw somebody I used to sell drugs to! This fucking city is tainted with who I was and I can't start over and be sober if I'm around people that are reminding me of drugs!" I shake my head, frustrated. "Forget it. I'm going home."
I storm out of the toilet paper aisle, avoiding every route that I could cross paths with Alex in.
I sit down on the hood of the car, burying my head in my hands.
Less than thirty seconds later, I hear footsteps, and then I feel a tap on my knee.
I look up and Mom is standing in front of me.
"You just finish your shopping-"
"No. Let's go to another city and go shopping." She says.
"Mom-"
She just gets in the car and turns it on.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and get in the car.
We don't say a word the whole drive, I just stare out the window, watching the buildings pass, wishing I was in New York where I at least feel like I can go get a gallon of fucking milk without running into my druggie ex boyfriend.
_____
Later that night after my Mom's friends left, I decided I needed to talk to my parents about how I was feeling.
It's Friday night so even though it's almost midnight, everyone is still awake.
I walk into the kitchen where they're cleaning up and decide to just go right for it.
"I'm moving out."
Mom accidentally drops her plate in the sink.
"Moving out?" She repeats.
"What are you talking about?" Dad asks.
I know he meant it months ago when he said I was on my last chance.
"I can't stay here." I say.
"Why?" Mom asks. "Katherine, sit down." She points to the table. "Don't be ridiculous. What the hell do you mean you're moving out? I'm calling your doctor."
"Sophia, calm down." Dad says, giving me his undivided attention. "Explain."
"You guys don't understand." I say quietly. I hear Liam mute the TV in the living room and I become well aware that everybody is listening to me. "I can't stay here. I can't even go to the grocery store without running into my ex boyfriend, or somebody I sold drugs to, or somebody who sold me drugs. The police look at me as if they're ready to put me in handcuffs."
Dad sits down across from he.
"Katie, where are you wanting to go? You don't have a job and you don't have any money."
"I don't know. Chicago. New York. I just...I need to be alone."
"No, this is a bad idea."
"I'll get a job and pay my own bills. I won't do anything stupid. I just want to be able to go to the store without running into somebody."
"You want a fresh start." Mom whispers.
"Exactly."
"Katherine, you need money for a down deposit. You don't just walk int, find a place, and get it. You have no credit and no money." Dad says.
"Then I'll mow lawns until I can or something. I don't know, I just know I can't stay here. I just...feel like the person I was before, even though I'm not. And i know none of you mean to, but when I get a headache and go to get some Advil, you're looking at me like I'm going to drink the damn bottle."
They both just look sad, studying me.
"What's your plan?"
"All I need to know is...will you guys pay for the gas to get me there, and let me take the car you guys got me?"
"You want to take the CRV?" Dad asks.
"You guys bought it for me and paid or off. It's in my name."
"Dad studies me and Mom is starting to say no, but suddenly, Dad speaks.
"Alright." He says.
"What?" Mom gasps. "You're agreeing to his? Jacob, this is absurd!"
"This is the first time she's looking excited about anything in years."
"So you're going to let her take the car, drive herself to New York with no job, and then what? Where will you stay?"
"In the car." I say as if it's obvious.
"Hell no." Mom says. "No. You're staying here where you're safe."
"I'm not happy here!" I argue.
"If you get a job interview, I'll fly you out there and fly you back. If you get the job, you can go."
"No. Jacob, this is a horrible, horrible idea!"
"On one condition." Dad continues.
"What's that?"
"You have to be moved into an apartment by the new year."
It's already early December.
"Will you co-sign the lease?" I ask.
"Fine, but I swear Katherine, if I have to pay a dime of your rent-"
"You won't." I say, and I mean it.
_____
Mom was screaming at Dad for the next two hours, demanding to know what he was thinking, why she wasn't consulted, and why I couldn't go live with Grandma and Grandpa.
It's simple. I don't need a babysitter. I don't want a babysitter. I'm tired of people looking at me as a failure. I want to at least get a job and an apartment.
I stayed up until two in the morning and took my time to write a really good resume, and started applying to jobs as a waitress or an intern at The New York Times.
Around four in the morning, Claire woke up and told me to shut off the laptop because she couldn't sleep, so I made myself go to bed.
The next morning, I went down the street asking people if I could do something around the house for money. Some of them said no, but we live in a middle class neighborhood, so sme people can afford to let me work and some can't.
One woman let me clean her bathrooms, another had me pulling weeds. Some man asked me to wash his car. Almost all of them asked why I needed money, so I told the truth.
I'm fresh out of rehab and I'm trying to afford a new start.
And now, sitting on my bed, I'm counting my twenties.
I have three hundred and thirty dollars.
Okay, so saying I stayed in only my neighborhood is a bit of an exaggeration, and although three hundred sounds like a lot of money, it's really not
But sitting here looking at my cash makes me feel warm inside, because I didn't' earn this money by selling drugs, I earned it by working for it.
I just feels right.
It's around seven at night here. Claire is playing a game on her phone. I wad up my cash and put it in a sock in my drawer.
The house phone starts ringing and I'm on my feet and in the living room in seconds.
"I'll get it!" I say over and over, running frantically across the house. I slide across the floor in my socks, nearly tripping on the rug in the living room to grab the phone.
Pressing answer, I take a deep breath and then,
"Hello?" I ask.
"Hi, is this Sophia?"
I almost groan out loud.
With a roll of my eyes, I thrust my arm out towards my Mom.
"It's for you." I grumble, and then I walk back to my bedroom.
"Are you scared?" Claire asks me.
"Scared of what?"
"Of being alone. Are you really planning to live in your car until you can afford an apartment?"
I pause. "Yeah, I am. But I'm not scared. Well I guess I am a little bit, but mostly, I'm excited."
"I'm scared for you, Kate." she says. "You're fresh out of rehab and it feels like you're running away. I know i give you anxious looks when I see you getting medicine, but I don't want you to leave because of it. Why can't you just stay with Grandma or Aunt Carol and Uncle Joey until you can find a place?"
"We never talk to them." I say. "And I don't want help. I want to be on my own."
"But Dad is helping you."
"That's different. It's Dad. Besides, I'm going to pay him back."
"What if you can't afford to pay him back?"
"I will be able to some day."
"I guess. And your husband can help you, right?"
I pause at the word.
Husband.
Marriage never occured to me. Not in a really long time, at least.
Men are dangerous. Alex almost got me killed from drugs and selling drugs.
It's just safer to be alone.
"No, I'm not gonna have a husband." I shake my head.
"What?" she asks. "Why not?"
"I'm just...I don't know."
"Well I want a brother-in-law." she says.
"Well then tell Liam to be gay." I reply. "Because I'm not having another relationship. Ever.
We kind of have a stare-off for a couple of moments, and then she rolls her eyes.
"Miss Independent. That's what I'm going to call you."
"I think we should call her Miss Stubborn." Liam says in the doorway. "And for the record, I love boobs way too much to be gay."
Claire and I roll our eyes at Liam, and then Claire turns back to me.
"So that means you're not having kids either?"
I sigh.
"Probably not."
"Why? You've always wanted kids." Liam says.
"Yeah well, things change."
My kids don't need me as their mother. I'm bound to disappoint.
If I was the Katherine I was five years ago, it would be a different story.
But I'm not. Alex killed her.