La Mort et ses Merveilles
Chapter 13: I Kissed a Boy and I Liked It
Cass and I sat there by her camper, on the foldable chairs right on her lawn. The girls were busy to the side, fashioning flower crowns out of yellow black-eyed susans. Cass and I had helped them cut the wire and bent it in shape for them, while they gathered the flowers themselves. They didn't have to stray far from the caravan, there were patches of flowers growing throughout the Yard, especially near the walls.
Leslie didn't show up for breakfast, but I didn't really care too much for it. He must probably still be angry about yesterday. Besides, I also wanted some time off from him. He left me feeling so confused, and I needed some time alone to figure it all out. I don't know what to feel about him. Sure, he's nice, and he can be annoying at times, but why on earth did my heart race when he touched me? I couldn't possibly like him or anything, that was impossible. Yet I couldn't stop thinking about his cold eyes and the warmth of his touch.
When I told Josephine about what happened the previous day, she was shocked.
"I can't believe he would do something like that," she said. "But I should've known."
The young woman seemed rather worried, but I guessed it was regarding Rosanne's threat to Leslie. To be honest, I would've, she just seemed so collected and calculative. She seemed to know everything that she was doing. I supposed she was the type to meticulously plan her revenge. If Leslie could've just kept his trash mouth shut then maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. Josephine had left Isabella in my care, while she went to 'settle some issues'. Not knowing what else to do, I brought her to Cass's place.
Halfway through their meticulously procedure, it seemed like they probably didn't have enough flowers. Ashley asked her sister if they could go get some more.
"Just don't get yourselves hurt, alright?" she said aloud, but the girls had already run off.
Cass merely sighed as she leaned back into her chair. It was nice that I got to talk with Cass again. It had already been a few visits to the Yard with Isabella since the last time we met, and I settled down pretty cosily to her. Besides, there wasn't really anybody else of my age around here. I was just glad to have a friend I knew and trusted.
"I just can't keep up with her sometimes," she laughed as she picked up her glass. "Ashley just has so much energy."
"It's infectious, really," I chuckled. "It's nice to see that Isabella's happy again."
"Yeah," the girl said, turning to me. "She deserves to be happy. And you too."
I could only give her a slight, awkward smile.
"Thanks," I muttered, fidgeting with my fingers.
"You know," she said, looking directly at me. "You seem so troubled recently. Is there anything wrong?"
"Nothing," I muttered.
But of course there was. I didn't know how to feel about the whole Leslie situation. Sure, even in the deepest depths of my heart I couldn't deny that I didn't exactly dislike what he was doing. Maybe I even liked it. I didn't know. Yet another part of me was adamant to admit it, I had only been with girls before, back in high school, so I wasn't sure if it was even possible. I liked girls, I knew that. Me having feelings for Leslie? What a joke.
Yet I couldn't deny that he made me feel a certain way. But no way, I liked girls.
"Do you want to come inside?" Cass said, stretching as she stood up. "It's getting a bit too hot, don't you think?"
"Y-Yeah," I muttered, having been jolted out of my thoughts. "Sure."
I found myself standing by the large bed at the end of the trailer. With Cass.
"Actually," I said, breaking the silence. "Could I ask you one favour?"
"Anything for you," she said, a sweet smile on her cherub face. "What do you need?"
I gulped. I had to do this, I told myself. To see if I still felt something. I sure must have, I was straight after all. Yeah. . . Girls. I like them. At least, that's what I thought.
"Could you put your hand on my chest?" I asked. "And hold it there."
The girl frowned, a perplexed look on her face. Somewhat hesitantly, she finally put her palm on my chest. I could feel her touch against me. I took a deep breath and gulped.
She's a girl, so that means I must like it doesn't it? But I wasn't really feeling anything. No butterflies, no heart thumping , nothing at all. Maybe I was just nervous. I didn't remember it being that difficult with my ex, just a touch from her would've driven me wild.
"Go lower," I muttered under my breath.
Cass moved her hand down my chest, hovering over my stomach. I told her to go on, her hand tracing my abdomen. She looked confused, but as her hand kept getting lower I could finally feel the familiar stirring within me. But it was then when she probably realised what I was trying to do, and quickly pulled her hand away.
"Jason," she snapped. "What are you even thinking of?"
Feeling the blood rush to my cheeks, I could only hang my head in shame. What have I done? Was this considered sexual harassment? I couldn't imagine how Cass would've felt.
"I-I'm so sorry," I apologised frantically. "I-I wasn't thinking. I understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. I shouldn't have done that."
Heaving a sigh, I sat down on her bed. I felt disgusting. In my own selfishness to figure myself out I had tried to take advantage of her. The guilt washing over me, I didn't know what to say. I had broken her trust.
She was initially shocked at first, but after a while I found myself seated beside her on the bed.
"Jason," she said, looking at me with concern. "Is everything alright? There's something wrong isn't it?"
I turned to look at her straight in her eyes. With a heavy heart, I knew I had to confess everything.
"It's about Leslie," I blurted out. "I don't know how to feel about him."
"What do you mean?" Cass said. "Do you. . .hate him or something?"
"I'm scared it's the opposite," I mumbled. "Maybe I'm catching feelings for him? But I don't know. I've only been with girls before."
I could feel the blood rush to the cheeks as I heard those words coming out from my own mouth. In a way, I guess I was admitting it. Yet a part of me still tried to vehemently deny my own feelings, how I felt for Leslie.
"Oh," the girl said, her expression a bit tense, like she was trying to hold something back. "So that's why you tried to get me to touch you. So you could feel something? Convince yourself that you're still straight?"
She read through me like a book. I could only nod my head in embarrassment, my eyes gazing at the floor. There was a heavy, awkward silence.
It was then when she burst out into a laugh. It was a small, timid giggle at first, before blowing up into an outright guffaw.
"I'm sorry," she said, once she recovered. "It's not you, it's just that. . . it's just so funny you know?"
"Yeah," I muttered, biting my lip. "I guess it actually kind of is."
"C'mon," she replied. "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that the whole situation when you compare it to how everything's fallen apart, it's kind of comical once you look at it. Boy trying to figure out his sexual orientation in the middle of the zombie apocalypse."
I only looked down and fidgeted with my fingers, shaking my right leg.
"Yeah," the girl said, pushing her hair away. "Sorry."
"I'm just really confused you know?" I began, running a hand through my hair. "I mean, when I was in high school I was into girls and I did have a girlfriend, but then now with Leslie around, I feel the same way, but it can't be right can it?"
"What do you mean it can't be right?" Cass said. "You feel the way you feel."
"Yeah, but I've only been with girls," I muttered, feeling somewhat embarrassed. "So. . . I don't know. We kind of fooled around once, Leslie and I –some touching and all, but nothing really happened."
Cass only shook her head, yet I could notice the smile in the corners of her lips.
"I don't know how to put this to you, even though it's kind of painfully obvious," she began twirling a finger around a lock of brown hair. "Bisexuality exists."
I gulped as I bit into my lip.
"Well," I said. "I never really thought about it that way. Sorry for troubling you."
"Are you kidding?" she giggled. "This is the juiciest thing that happened to me ever since the whole zombie thing started. This place has just been so dry! Talk to me anytime you want."
"So. . ." I mumbled. "You don't care that I'm uh-"
"That you like guys?" Cass said, cutting me off. "It's the end of the world darling, who cares whether you like boys or girls?"
I could only gave her a little smile as I sat there. It was all a bit overwhelming and hard to take in, to be really honest.
We could hear the two girls' voices outside. They were probably back from picking the flowers. Well, hey certainly didn't take long.
"I'm gonna go check on them," Cass said as she stood up, giving me a pat on the back.
Walking over to the front door, she stopped and turned to look at me.
"Just never try to pull that nonsense without my permission ever again," she said, shooting me a glare. "On the other hand it's been a while since I've handled any dick."
I could only look at her, bewildered. The girl only giggled as she rolled her eyes.
"Just ask me next time if you really want a girl to do it with you next time," she said as she shot me a playful wink.
With that, she left me all alone in the trailer, staring at the floor and my cheeks beetroot.
***
I didn't see Leslie for the rest of the day. Maybe he was avoiding me. Maybe I was avoiding him. I was thankful though, there were already too many things on my mind, for the most part the question of my sexuality. I didn't know what to feel, to be fair.
Yet Cass's words kept playing in my mind.
It's the end of the world darling, who cares whether you like boys or girls?
Maybe she was right. Trying to push it aside, I tossed and turned in bed, but I couldn't sleep. I cursed at my mind for keeping me up when I really needed the sleep. Josephine had told me earlier at dinner that she needed me up early to accompany Leslie somewhere out on a road trip. She said that it was going to be quite far, about an eight hour drive, so we should head out early. We also had to pack supplies for a few days, just in case. There was also a possibility that I was going to be spending the night out there with Leslie, since there was a huge probability that we wouldn't make it back in time. I didn't really ask why we needed to go out so far, but she did say that it was important. I could only hope it was worth getting up so early to be driving down the Nebraska roads at first light.
It was then when I heard a knock on the door. Getting up, I turned to the digital clock on the side of my bed. The neon green digits, clear against the darkness stated that it was almost midnight. Most of the people in the convent were already fast asleep by then.
I opened the door to find Leslie there, the flickering flames of the candles in the hallway casting shadows on his face.
"I-I couldn't sleep," he muttered.
"Well what do you want?" I asked, slightly irritated that he disrupted me trying to fall asleep just to tell me that. "You want me to read you a bedtime story? Is that what you want?"
The young man seemed slightly taken aback. Who knows when this man child got sensitive?
"Are you mad at me?" he said , a dejected look across his pretty face. "I'm sorry."
"Who told you I'm mad?" I replied, folding my arms in front of me. "I'm not mad at you."
"Oh," he said, his shoulders relaxing. "I just thought about yesterday-"
"It's fine," I muttered. "Do you want to come in or what?"
An awkward smile crawled up his lips, and I couldn't help but do the same. Any feelings of irritation or anger that I had for him after blaming for leaving me so confused with myself dissipated in that instant. He was kind of cute when he's being awkward. There was that boyish innocence to him that I couldn't help but smile at. Stepping into my dimly lit room, he closed the door behind him. I switched on the nightlight, and we both sat on the edge of the bed, just like we had done before.
He moved in closer to me, to the point that our thighs were touching. He was dressed in sweats and a thin T-shirt, and for a moment we just sat there in silence.
"I couldn't sleep because I've been thinking," he began, fidgeting with his fingers. "About us."
I bit my lip. The young man chuckled nervously, leaning back. He seemed to try to play it off cool when he was clearly as flustered as I was.
"I just wanted you to know that I-"
He let out a deep sigh.
"I think I like you," he finally blurted out, looking at me with his bright blue eyes.
"Yeah," I trying to suppress a jittery laugh. "I like you too, I guess."
"No you don't get it," he said. "I like you, as in when the boy likes a girl kind of way."
"O-Of course," I muttered.
There was a short, heavy silence before I could finally bring myself to tell him what I had should've said a long time ago.
"Actually, Leslie. . ." I began, placing my hand on his palm. "I think I like you too, in that kind of way."
He only looked at me with his stormy blue eyes of his, and I couldn't help but feel myself melt in his gaze. The blood rushed to my face, and my heart thumped loudly. He moved in closer to me, the shadows dancing on his cheekbones. I instinctively wanted to pull back, but I forced myself to stay.
"Close your eyes," he whispered, our noses touching now.
I did, and the only thing I felt for the next few moments were the tender sensation of his lips against mine. He was soft and gentle, while his palm caressed my cheek moving downwards towards my neck. In that precious moment between us, time seemed to stand still. Nothing else seemed to matter.
Our lips finally parted, with Leslie pulling back. There was a wry smile on his lips, lips that had felt so soft against mine just mere moments earlier. I could see the faint hue of pale red on his cheeks.
"I-I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what I was thinking."
Hurriedly he stood up, but almost by reflex I reached out and grabbed his hand. He looked at me, rather surprised. Our gazes met, but he quickly shied away.
"Please stay," I blurted out.
The young man's lips curled up into a slight smile as he sat back down beside me. Without any need to say anything, I switched off the light and made space for him on my single bed. It was a tight fit, but I didn't mind. The summer was warm, but the relief that washed over me after I finally admitted my feelings for him beat out any worldly discomfort.
Wrapped around In Leslie's strong arms, face pressed against his broad chest, I fell asleep to the rhythm of his beating heart.