Relief. Weightlessness. Freedom.
Relief because I can finally give myself to Jack fully without fear of letting him down.
Weightlessness because I'm finally unburdened by events in my past that have come to shape my future.
Freedom because I am finally able to move on and do what I choose without loitering doubts.
Being able to just sit in my living room with a cup of coffee, admiring the skyline and having a sense of actual happiness is foreign to me. But I'll be damned if it's not welcome.
After an extended morning with Jack, I convinced him to go home and actually have some alone time before we get sick of each other. Leaving me relishing in the peace and quiet.
Obviously being alone with nobody here, means I'm alone with my thoughts. For once though, it's not that bad.
Until I hear the doorbell, disturbing my peacefulness. Thinking it's probably Roxy and or Scarlett, I answer it.
But it's not Scarlett and Roxy. It's not them coming to see me because we haven't seen each other in a few days.
It's someone quite the opposite. Someone I had hoped to not see again. Ever.
"Hi, KT."
"Joe," I breathe out.
I can't make sense of my emotions. They're scrambled and fast and jumbled. I'm fucking terrified.
He tries to take a step forward but I recoil and take two back.
"Can I come in?"
My eyes snap to his with a look of pure disgust. "Take one more step and you're trespassing and I'll call the cops."
He laughs. He fucking laughs. "You don't mean that."
"Fucking try me," I spit.
He looks me up and down, a small smile playing at his lips. "You look good, KT. I've missed you."
"What are you doing, Joe?" My hand hasn't left my door, meaning I am free to shut it in his face at any given time.
"I came here to talk to you."
I furrow my brows. Is he serious? He flew all the way across the country to talk? I don't buy it. "Goodbye."
I slam the door but he blocks it with his foot, causing me to roll my eyes. "Get the fuck off my property."
"Come on, KT. I came all the way from LA to be here, let me in."
I keep the door exactly where it is. "I don't owe you anything." He pushes the door and I stumble backwards, giving him the opening he needs to step into my apartment. "Get out. Get out right now."
"Calm down, KT." He walks towards me again, I step back from him again. But I've hit a wall, how cliché.
"Fuck off. Get out of my apartment now, Joe. I'm not being funny."
He shakes his head with a smile. "You're not going to do anything though, KT. Let's just have a conversation."
I push up against the wall more, if that's possible. "We have nothing to talk about."
He comes closer still saying, "You're wrong."
I feel my breathing grow short and erratic, my head getting dizzy. "Get away from me." My speech is disjunct like I can't catch my breath. My mouth is dry and I feel my body starting to shake.
What is happening to me?!
"KT, are you okay?" Joe asks, placing his hands on my arms.
That's when I fucking lose it.
I scream at the contact, slapping his arms away from me before feeling my knees buckle, making me hit the floor. I lean against the wall trying to keep my breath steady but it just gets faster.
Trying to keep calm only makes it worse.
"Fuck, KT." Joe crouches next to me his hands tentative to touch me again. "I think you're having a panic attack."
I can barely register what he's saying. Everything just seems so disorientated. Thoughts of my past with Joe are just swarming my mind.
"Try and focus on your breathing. Slowly in and slowly out."
Although I want to ignore what Joe is telling me, I know better. But I can't get a handle on it.
"It's okay, KT. This is going to end." Joe puts a comforting hand on my thigh but I still use my heavy limbs to push him off me. I try to chastise him but I can't get the words out.
Joe's words don't seem true as I ride out the panic attack. It feels like it lasts forever, my throat going hoarse and me sweating more than I do in the gym.
But it does end. My breathing starts to even and my body becomes still.
"See? You're okay."
I just up and away from him, shooting him a glare I would give Trump as I get myself a glass of water. "No thanks to you."
He looks offended. "Are you fucking with me? I helped you."
I dramatically huff out a breath of annoyance. "It wouldn't have fucking happened if you hadn't come here in the first place!" I shout at him.
"Let me fucking speak!" He yells, silencing me instantly.
It's then that I realise he's not going to take no for an answer. He never has.
"Fine," I say softly, giving up. I walk into the living room and sit on the armchair, eliminating Joe's ability to take a seat close to me.
"Out with it," I say once he's sat down.
"I want you back, KT." I scoff louder than I ever have before. "Don't interrupt me and don't make fun of me," he raises his voice at me, taking a stern tone, successfully shutting me up.
"When I got that voicemail from you a few months back I had no idea what to do. So I called you and told you I would come back for you. And I've done that. Now," he shuffles over on the couch so he's sitting as near as he can to me. "We pick up from where we left off in LA."
He attempts to put his hand on my knee but I move in my seat so he can't touch me. "If you even think about laying a finger on me again I'm going to press charges, you saw what happened to me last time you tried."
"But you don't mean that. We were in love," he pleads, looking at me with a longing look on his face. It disgusts me.
"No, Joe. You may have been in love but I sure wasn't. I loved parts of you but I was never in love with you. Don't fool yourself. I could never have been in love with someone who did those things to me. I like me better without you around."
"I don't get it, KT. We were so happy. Then when you called me you were drunk but it just shows that you missed me and that you were thinking about me. Now you don't have to miss me. We can be together again.
"I hope this gets through your thick skull, Joseph. I'm not going to take you back. Ever. Not in any lifetime, not if you were the last man on earth, not ever. Understand?" God, my voice sounds fucking venomous and I'm living for it. Standing up to Joe about everything he did is making me feel so much better than just talking to Jack about it.
He sighs, falling back in his seat. "You need to get over yourself and realise that we're meant to be together."
"You raped me, Joe."
I breathe an internal sigh of relief. I've said it to him. I've never done that before.
"No, I-I... that's not what happened." His voice grows quieter towards the end of his sentence, looking skittish and not meeting my eyes.
"When I said no, you kept going. What did you think it was?" I ask almost sarcastically.
He shakes his head. "That was just... our thing? It was our little joke. I didn't... I never... r-ra... no that didn't happen." He can't even fucking say it.
"Well then. If it wasn't rape then why did I try to push you off me when you didn't listen to me when I said 'no'? Why did I go to therapy to try and get over it? Why haven't I been able to have sex because I keep having flashbacks of you? Why did I have a fucking panic attack just from seeing you?"
Joe suddenly looks back up at me with a new look in his eyes. "You waited for me?"
"Why the fuck would you ever think that?!" I yell at him, standing up so I tower over him, giving me the illusion of power. "You ruined me. I'm embarrassed by you. You took over my life and when I finally freed myself you try and walk back into my life? Who the fuck do you think you are?!"
"No," he answers with a shaky voice. "You love me. I didn't do anything bad to you. If I did you would have pressed charges and... it doesn't make sense."
"I didn't press charges because until yesterday I could barely admit it to myself. Now I've told someone. I've told my boyfriend. He helped me through it and made me realise that there are some decent guys out there. Now can you finally get the fuck out of my apartment."
"Boyfriend?" He asks quietly.
"Yes," I answer him. "He's helped me. I would still be feeling like shit without him but I'm not going to rub my relationship in your face. You don't deserve that."
Joe tentatively rises to his feet. "I still love you, KT. And I flew all the way out here for you. Can't you just give me a chance?" He reaches for my hand and I abruptly walk away from him and towards the door, prompting him to follow me.
"Have you listened to me at all? We're over... forever, Joe. I've moved on and you should too." I say it slow and deliberately so Joe can hope to understand this time.
"Leave and never come back. Stay out of my life for good this time. I never want to hear from you again." I open the door for him, waiting for him to finally go.
"KT," he drawls out. "I came to New York for you. Can't you give me something?"
My hand itches to slap him across the face but I hold myself back. I'm not going down that route. "Your flight here isn't my problem and your one back sure as shit isn't either. Now fuck off."
Joe hangs his head and walks through my door. "I really did love you, KT."
"I don't blame you but you haven't apologised and you can't even admit to what you did to me or face up to everything I've gone through because of it. You hurt me, Joe. Really fucking bad. If you did love me then get yourself some help from a therapist or something and don't do this to the next girl. Please." I look at him meaningfully, knowing this is going to be the last time I see him.
"Good fucking riddance, you dick." And with that, I slam the door on him for good.
+++
Sorry this has taken so long, coffee lovers!
But I hope this was unexpected for all of you and a bit of a plot twist. I tried to handle the confrontation between them in a way that still stayed true to Kat's character but I'm not sure whether I'm entirely happy with the outcome. Expect a lot of edits on this chapter in the future.
VOTE, COMMENT and FOLLOW for a good time and to make me happy!!
Side note: should I post the prologue to a new story of mine that you may have seen called 'Trying to Be Barbie'? Let me know what you think! <3<3
Ciao, coffee lovers xxxxx