I slept through my alarm and the calls from Fieldan and Ian. I didn't get out of bed until noon, my body aching and my head vibrating with every step I took. I felt like I had the world's worst hangover, but in reality, it's just my own body telling me that I'm a fuck up and so I deserve to feel like shit.
My mom isn't home when I finally trudge down the stairs to make myself some lunch. The blanket that I had draped over her last night is folded neatly on the couch and the picture she was holding of River is placed back on the fireplace where it belongs. It was as if last night hadn't happened.
Except that it did.
I can't stomach the smell of the grilled cheese I made, so I toss it in the trash and head back upstairs to my bed. As soon as I close the door behind me I heard my phone chime with a text.
Ian: Hey, you okay? Why aren't you at school?
I want so badly to text him back. I want for him to come over and hold me, to tell me that everything will be okay and this all has to end eventually, right?
But I can't. I have to stick to my decision, no matter how hard it will be.
I scroll through the other texts he had sent this morning and the similar ones from Fieldan. I don't reply to her either and turn my phone off before tossing it in the drawer of my nightstand. Within minutes I fall back to sleep and don't wake up until I'm being lightly shaken by my mom.
"Annie. Annie, wake up."
"Hmm?" I stretch and struggle to open my eyes.
"I got a call from the school today, why weren't you there? Are you sick?" She puts the back of her hand to my forehead and checks to see if I have a fever. "You're a little warm."
"I just don't feel good, mom." It's not a lie. I don't feel good, not in any sense of the word.
"I've been calling you all day, where's your phone?" She looks around my room.
"It's in the drawer. I turned it off." I point to my nightstand and she doesn't question me any further.
"Do you want some food? I can order us some pasta from that place downtown."
Even though I'm still not really hungry, I nod my head, unable to pass up the opportunity to order carry out with my mom - something that used to be so normal and routine. I can't even remember the last time we did this.
I feel like I stepped in to a time machine as my mom and I sit on the couch together and eat pasta while watching some cheesy rom-com we found while channel surfing. She doesn't mention yesterday or last night, even though she has to know I'm the one that put the blanket on her and threw away the empty bottles. Instead, the two of us just sit and watch the movie in comfortable silence - something that reminds me all too much of Ian.
My heart aches at the thought of him, and I know that there's probably a dozen texts and missed calls from him waiting for me upstairs. When the movie ends and we make our way to our bedrooms, my mom brings me a class of water and some Tylenol, promising to check on me in the morning - another thing that she hasn't done in a long time.
I don't touch my phone and I don't go to school the next day either. I convince my mom that I am still too sick, and so she agrees to let me stay home. This time, I don't get out of bed the entire day, it's like my brain just shut off and I can't do anything but sleep.
If I was awake, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Crying over so many different things: River, my parents, myself, Ian. Everything hurts, so I welcome the sleep.
Ian's P.O.V
I haven't heard from Annie in four days, not since she hugged me goodbye in my driveway on Sunday. I didn't know that hug, that kiss, was a real goodbye.
I don't know where she is, I'm assuming home, but who knows. I don't know what's going on in her head, I don't know why she's skipping school, I don't know why her phone is turned off, and I don't know what to do.
I've called and texted her at least a hundred times and so has Fieldan. Fieldan doesn't seem to think this is serious, apparently Annie has done something like this before - but Fieldan hasn't read Annie's blog. Fieldan doesn't know how deep Annie's issues are or how dark her mind can get.
I've driven past her house and her car is still in the driveway, but she doesn't come downstairs or even to her window when she hears my bike pull up - if she's even there, that is. I'm worried about her and there's nothing I can do. It's killing me.
I can't focus on my homework, I can't really focus on anything. I've been checking her blog every day, multiple times a day, but she hasn't posted anything since last week. Since I can't concentrate on anything else, I decide to check one more time. I click the link I have bookmarked and feel my heart leap when I see that she's made a new post.
Dear Universe,
Seven months ago I met a boy. I met a boy and he made me feel as if things we're going to be okay. He made me laugh, he made me smile, he made me feel important and valued. This boy is incredible. This boy is rare. This boy makes my heart explode with happiness and love.
He made me open up - partially - about things I never thought I would tell another person. He made me feel alive, he reminded me what it felt like to have fun, and he showed me what life is supposed to be like - happy, carefree, and unburdened.
I fell in love with him, Universe. I fell in love with Moon.
And that's why I have to say goodbye to him.
Who am I to deserve that kind of love? I don't deserve it or him or anything that makes me feel as happy and whole as he does.
-Star.
What the hell does that mean? She has to say goodbye to me?
I read the post again, and my eyes stay on that one line - I fell in love with him, Universe. I fell in love with Moon.
She loves me.
I feel should happy, excited, overjoyed - and I do. But something else is racing through my mind right now.
I understand. I understand why she's ignoring me. Annie is punishing herself by taking me away.
I need some air, I need to think this through - I need to think of a way to convince her that this is a mistake. There's only one place to go that will help me clear my mind. I grab my bat bag from my closet and borrow my dad's car, heading towards the batting cages.
There's one other car in the parking lot when I arrive at the park, and I have to blink a few times to make sure I'm not imagining it. I get my bag out of the trunk and walk toward the cages.
I can see the light blue helmet I bought her for Christmas from across the field. I can see her standing the way I taught her as she swings the bat I got her to match her helmet at each ball that comes flying towards her. I can hear the loud, thunderous cracks when the metal hits the baseball, sending it flying back towards the net. When I get closer I can see the anger and focus on her face as she swings the bat aggressively, cursing when she misses the ball.
She looks wild, unhinged, lost.
She looks like she's broken and I just want to help her put herself back together - only, I know she won't let me. She has it in her mind that I'm the one thing she can never allow herself to have.
I wait until the last ball shoots out of the cannon, "Annie."
She drops the bat and I see her shoulders fall before she turns around to face me. I can see the tears even through the helmet. I don't care what I read, I don't care that she's been ignoring me for four days, I don't care that I should be mad at her right now - I drop my bag on the ground and run over to her, wrapping my arms around her trembling body as she collapses against me.
She pulls off her batting helmet and wraps her arms around me and I feel like maybe she doesn't need to be convinced, maybe she already knows that giving us up isn't what's best, but then she lets me go and steps back, wiping her eyes with her hands.
"Annie...where have you been?"
"Ian...Ian, I can't...we can't do this anymore." She keeps her eyes on the ground, the field, the batting cage, anywhere but me.
"Annie, you don't mean that. What happened?" I take a step closer but she takes a step back, and then another.
"We're done, Ian. It's over, I...I can't do this anymore." She reaches down and picks up her bat before turning and stuffing her stuff in the bag and zipping it shut.
"Annie, don't do this." I was wrong when I thought this would be easy. I thought it would be like every other time that we have a problem or misunderstanding. I thought we would talk about it and then be okay in a matter of minutes, but that's not the case this time - I can see it in her eyes.
"Bye, Ian." She walks past me, careful to not touch me as she does so.
I turn around, I can't just let her leave, not like this. "Why?" I can hear how desperate I sound and I hope she can too.
"This relationship was a mistake. I'm sorry that I lead you to believe it was anything more." Her voice is so flat and emotionless that it reminds me of myself, back before I had Annie in my life to lighten everything up.
"That's bullshit."
"Believe what you want, Ian." She hikes the bag up on her shoulder and turns on her heel to walk away from me.
"Give me a real reason, Annie. I deserve that, don't I?"
I can see that she's breaking, that she's struggling to hold it together. "Don't make me do this, Ian. Please."
"You're the one doing this." I take a step closer and this time she doesn't move away from me. "Don't leave, Annie. We can figure this out." I'm begging and just when I think she's going to give in, she turns and starts to walk away. I can feel my heart breaking as she takes step after step.
"So that's it, you're just going to leave? You can do better than that, Annie. Go ahead, yell and scream. Tell me that you're too fucked up for this, tell me that I'm too fucked up for this. Say that we'd never work and that you don't love me. I dare you to say something, Annie. Say something real and stop hiding your feelings." She stops walking and I feel bad for saying what I did, but I had to dig deep, I had to get through to her, to let her know that I'm not letting her just walk away from me, not like this.
She doesn't turn back though. After a few seconds, she continues walking across the field towards the parking lot.
At this point, I have nothing left to lose.
"Dear Star" I shout just loud enough for her to hear half way across the field. She stops dead in her tracks, the bag falling from her shoulder. I take the opportunity and try to remember the words from her last blog entry. "Dear Star, Seven months ago I met a girl. I met a girl and she made me feel more alive that I've ever felt before. She pushed me to do things I never would have done. I opened up to her, I trusted her, and I fell in love with her. She makes me happy and-"
"How do you know about that?" She turns around so fast that she almost trips over the bag she had dropped to the ground.
"I saw it on your computer a few months ago." I start to walk towards her, closing the distance so that we're no longer shouting at each other.
"A few months ago? You've been reading it this whole time?" I'm close enough now that I can see fear and embarrassment in her eyes as she tries to think over everything she's ever written.
"I'm sorry. I just-"
"Save it. I can't...there's some really personal stuff in that blog, Ian." She cuts me off, her voice faltering.
"I know. I just wanted to help you, Annie. You don't talk to me about the stuff that's really bothering you and so I had to read it to know what was going on in your head."
"Well, then you should know, I am too fucked up for this." She throws my words back at me, and starts running towards the parking lot.
"Annie, stop!"
I start running after her, "Annie!"
She doesn't stop until she reaches her car, but I'm right behind her, "Annie, I love you too. Im in love with you too."
She fumbles with her keys and unlocks her car, her breathing heavy but not from the running - from the sobbing that she now has no control over. She opens the car door and turns to me, "I don't love you, Ian."
"You're lying." I grab the car door with my hand as she slides into the drivers seat. "Annie, don't."
"Let me go, Ian." She pulls the door with so much force that my hand falls away and I can no longer see her through the tint on her windows. She drives away and I'm left picking up her batting bag and my heart from the ground.