I slowly regain consciousness, but keep my eyes closed. I feel my body waking up. The needles and pins start to make me slightly uncomfortable.
I feel very soft fingers on my back, sliding up and down. Drawing patterns on my spine. Then I hear soft instruments playing in the distance. Music.
A groan slips from my lips when I feel Maliah's fingers digging into a knot in my right shoulder. She's humming softly with the music. I become aware of her weight on my butt and her warm thighs at my sides. My face is practically smushed in her sheets right now.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" She asked softly. She gently glided her fingertips down to my lower back.
I groaned again, not really wanting to lose my drowsiness or open my eyes. I kinda want to continue my sleep since I have no idea when I'll be able to sleep like this again.
Her hand traveled up my back and into my hair, "Go back to sleep. You need it."
"Mhmm ..." I hummed.
"I'll be right here. Promise."
And I did fall back to sleep rather fast. It was peaceful. For the first time in weeks I peacefully slept.
When I did wake up, it was to eat. Maliah had made dinner for me. I didn't think I was out for that long, but I was. I don't care. I feel a little better and now I can't wait to eat this plate of rice and pork chop's Maliah made for me.
After admitting to Maliah about my depression, we didn't do much. We cried and somehow she got me into bed. I can't even remember how that happened. I fell asleep.
"What's been going on?" I asked before stuffing my mouth with a spoonful of food.
She brushed her hair back, "What do you mean?"
"Like ... earlier you said everything was falling apart ..."
"Oh, yeah. I guess my mental state is kinda deteriorating too. I'm stressed and unbearably sad."
I swallowed my food, "Do you think you're depressed? Because it sounds like it. You know, from experience and all."
"I ... I don't know. I don't really know what that's like. Its like my mindset is drifting into something I can't recognize anymore. I don't know how to explain it."
I sighed softly. Nothing is ever fair in this world. As bad as she hurt me I never want her to end up in my position. It would kill me. I can't imagine Maliah depressed. I don't want to.
"Sounds like it's starting." I said quietly.
"Jax, I panicked." She said.
"Hm?"
"I panicked. My feelings for you - everything. I freaked out. I figured that if I cut us off ... it would be easier. I don't know what I was thinking," She paused and wiped her tears. "I feel so stupid. And I feel like I made everything worse for the both of us. I didn't want to drag you down. I thought it was you that was the problem. It was me. This entire time, it was me. The person you treasure so much."
"Why didn't you just tell me? Instead of doing what you did?"
She shrugged. I know she probably feels ashamed of herself due to her reputation. The reputation I've given her through my praise and love. Maybe I shouldn't have painted her to be the perfect one. No one's perfect. It pisses me off that this all could've been so easy and simple.
"It could've been handled differently. All of this ... but ... it is what it is." I said.
"Yeah." She said with a sigh.
I pointed at her food. I really don't feel like talking and eating right now. I can't remember the last time I was actually happy to eat, "You should probably start eating before your food gets cold. We can talk later, okay?"
She shook her head, "I'm kinda not hungry. I'll eat later or something."
I didn't respond. I kept eating, letting my thoughts grow loud again. We're supposed to talk more, but what more is there to say? This friendship won't be the same ... for a while I guess. Maybe this was all I needed to finally get my heart on the path to moving on, even though I don't want too. Were we not meant to be?
Of course not.
Maliah took her before bed shower. I packed up my stuff in my book bag, getting ready to walk back home.
"Where are you ... going?" She asked.
I looked up at her, confused, "Home?"
"Jax you don't have to go ... it's late. I don't want you walking out when it's dark like this." She said glancing out her window.
"The street lights are on," I shrugged. "I'll be fine."
"Do you ... want to leave?"
Do I?
"Uh, well, I don't know. You seem like you need space." I said.
God that was a shitty excuse. I should've just said I'm hurt and I don't know how to be around her.
"I've had enough space, to be honest" She said quietly as she got onto her bed.
We stare at each other and that very familiar and dangerous longing feeling comes back to invade my chest. Her hair falls over her shoulder. Her dingy tank top hugs her chest and I see the goosebumps on her arms. Her shorts are really short, allowing me to see the fullness of her thighs and the creaminess of her skin.
So perfect.
She broke our silence, "Goodnight, I guess."
"Did you sleep with him?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
She shook her head, "I told you no. I wasn't lying."
"Kiss em?"
"No."
I glared, "What's going on with him?"
"Him and his dad don't get along. Threw him out the house and he needed a place and a shoulder to lean on."
I nod, taking in her every word. I don't know why it gets to me so much. If nothing happened, it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I hate knowing he was here, laying in her bed. Holding all of her attention.
"Let it go." She said softly.
"I can't."
"Why not? Nothing happened. You're just hurting yourself."
I shrugged, not really knowing what to say. My legs were moving on their own. My knees eventually pushed up against the edge of her bed. I was looking down at her and she was looking up at me.
"I ... I don't think I deserve someone like you." She said.
"You're right. You deserve the world. I can't give you that. You deserve better." I said sadly.
She rose up on her knees and placed her hands on my shoulders. Suddenly our noses were barely touching and her breath sliced against my lips.
She pressed her forehead against mine. Her slight body heat gave me goosebumps. The difference in feelings I feel between Hielee and her is scary. I'm really in love this girl.
She whispered something I could've sworn only came from my thoughts, "You are my world."
I shuddered in defeat, trying to fight my tears once more, "Don't say that if you're just gonna take it back."
Her left hand cupped left cheek, "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were a mistake or that this was a mistake. I'm just an idiot who obviously can't handle when life gets hard."
I almost laughed, "Well ... I'm not disagreeing."
"I'm gonna make this up to you. All of it. And I know that what you're feeling right now ... it's almost unexplainable. We've been through this before and it was bad. I only hope it's not gonna be as bad, but you know I'll always be at your side, fighting with you. I don't want you to hurt yourself. If it's weed you want then maybe we should try and get some, you know how I am about that stuff, but I never ever want to lose you. Hearing you speak like that broke me ..."
"I'm sorry." I said.
I watched a single tear run down her cheek, "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
I closed the very small gap between us without hesitation. It's been so long since we've last kissed. She smells like that fruity wash she uses and I love it.
I feel my skin crawl with heat and electricity. I sigh into her mouth and wrap my arms around her waist. Maliah pulls me back with her, straight down to the bed. I stopped my weight from smacking onto her with my hands.
"Stay." She whispered as she kissed along my jaw. She gripped on my shirt and pulled me closer to her body.
I sighed softly in her hair, feeling my vagina throb.
"Stay with me the night." She whispered again sliding her hands up to my chest.
I groaned a little, "Fuck. If we keep on like this -"
Her lips glide across my neck, "I know ... I want too."
I freeze for a second. I bring my eyes to her and just stare, trying to figure out if I heard her right.
"Do you want too?" She asked.
"How are we gonna get up for school?" I asked. She knows damn well that's the least of my worries.
She smirked, "We don't?"
"Yeah," I laughed. "Fuck yeah."
She smiled and pulled me back into her lips. I felt the spark I thought was long dead come back to life. I felt it shake my bones and make my heart hammer in my chest. From that moment, our pace picked up and it was amazing. I was half naked in seconds and so was she.
A long night ahead. I never want it to end. This has to be some sick wet dream.