~Paullie, listen to me okay. Tory is not a lesbian so you should just forget about it, okay?
~Lesbian? Lesbian? Are you fucking kidding me? You think I'm a lesbian?
~You're a girl in love with a girl, aren't you?
~No, I'm paulie in love with Tory, member? And Tory is... she is, in love with me because she is mine and I am hers and neither of us are lesbians.
-Lost and Delirious.
~
I didn't want to wake.
I wanted to stay in my little hole of darkness where I was safe and sound and listen to the world come crashing down around me. I wanted to reemerge from this silent slumber and realize that the last few days... months even, was a terrible, horrible game that someone was playing on me because of a mistake I'd made when I was younger. At least then I won't feel like my world was ending.
That, did not happen.
I knew I was awake when, before I could even open my eyes, my heart was racing something fierce as I heard the pacing footsteps of someone near me. It could only be that of my daughter but what if everyone else was sitting around, waiting patiently for me?
Can't I play dead for a little while longer?
The footsteps ceased but somehow I knew it stopped near me and my skin crawled as I swore I felt judgmental eyes on me. Braving death, I slowly allowed my eyes to shift open. The place was too bright, signifying that morning was still upon us and I squinted as I tried to readjust to the brightness. As soon as I could make out shapes and sizes, my eyes settled on Jane's curious yet confused gaze as she stood at the foot of my bed.
"She's awake guys." She spoke and her voice held no emotion causing my heart to race once more.
Austin was on his feet and standing next to Jane in no time before he cautiously made his way closer to me.
"Hey Jay... how you feeling?" He asks before pressing a damp cloth against my forehead.
The coldness had me subconsciously sighing and I pressed my head against his hand as I closed my eyes. "I've had better days." I half joked but it seemed he was the only one who found that amusing.
"Is it okay if I talk to Jane alone?"
The room slowly started to empty and I smiled weakly as my twin was reluctant to leave me alone. I wanted to jokingly say she's just a little girl... and my daughter, but I was afraid neither of them would find it funny.
As soon as it was just the two of us the place got ten times hotter and I pulled at the tiny thread on my sheet as I sat pressed against the headboard. Jane opted for pacing the floor whilst simultaneously boring a hole through it before giving up and siting stiffly at the foot of my bed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She begins softly.
"I... it's not what you think."
"You're not a lesbian?"
"No."
"So you didn't sleep with my girlfriend's ex boss?"
"I... she told you?" I accused, shocked. I knew it was just time before she blabbered.
"Don't sound so accusing! If uncle Austin hadn't just ratted you out I'd never known. Yet another reason why I should be mad at the both of them."
"I don't have to explain myself to you."
"Ah... yes you do. You don't get a free pass because you're my mother. You made me feel terrible about myself since the day you found Darcy and I kissing and now that I know you've been doing the exact thing since God knows when-"
"It didn't happen that long!"
"Why is it happening at all?"
"It's because of you people!"
"You people?!"
"Yes. Being surrounded by so many lesbians-"
"Again with that!"
"What?"
"You can say the word lesbian like a normal person you know."
"I'm just saying, if I hadn't been surrounded by so many of you guys, this never would have happened."
"You're blaming us now? Can you be any more like aunt Rosa?"
"First of all, I'm nothing like Rosa so never place us in the same sentence again. Secondly, since when are you an 'us'?"
"There you go again with that voice thing."
"I-"
"Look, this argument is getting us nowhere."
"So what'd you want from me?"
"An explanation would be nice."
"There's nothing to explain-"
"When did this start? How many women have you been with? Are you and Darcy's ex boss together? Are you like, gay now?"
"Ew, no. I'm not gay... or bi... or any of that weirdne-" I stopped as I saw my daughter's eyebrows beginning to grow apart and cleared my throat.
Taking a deep breath, I grabbed a pillow as I sat cross legged and decided to go with a different approach. "Did you know your uncle was gay?"
"Uncle Austin?" She asked shocked.
"What? No. Your other uncle, Craig."
"Your youngest brother?"
"Yes."
"No, I never knew. You guys never talked about him."
"For the longest while... he was a taboo subject. At that time in our lives, being gay was... wrong and I never understood why. I just knew my baby brother was different but I still loved him, still wanted to protect him. As I grew older I understood, but he was so happy and his happiness meant the world to me. Anyhow, he moved to the city to be with his boyfriend and they built a house together. This house."
"This was his house."
"Yeah..." I sighed. "He lived here happily for one year with his boyfriend... until."
"Until what?" Jane asked, subconsciously slipping closer to me.
"Until people back home found out. They made his life a living hell and there was nothing my brother nor I could do about it. Finally, one day, he couldn't handle it anymore. Our parents hated him, we were banned from seeing him and the entire town had turned against him. Instead of just ignoring everyone, he chose to end his life."
"Oh mom."
"It was horrible. His boyfriend ended up in a mental hospital for a few years because of the way he died, my parents' marriage fell in ruins and I ended up hating them and gay people for a really long time because of that. I mean, I was already married to your father and living in hell. I'd just lost my first baby and then I heard Craig crashed his car. It was just the worst year."
"I never knew."
"I know and I'm sorry for being such a terrible mom but I couldn't stand it. Every time I saw you and your cousin all I could think about was losing you guys the same way. I mean how many gay people do you know that isn't depressed or suicidal or dead?"
"But that was then, Carrie is happily married and I love Darcy. None of us are thinking about anything remotely close to that."
"I know... I just." I stopped and looked at her. "Neither did he. He got drunk and drove home. He never drank... but he did that day."
"Mom." Jane collects both hands in hers before rubbing it gently. "You're not gonna lose us. I promise."
Sighing, I smiled weakly as she pulled me in for a hug. "Now will you please answer my questions?"
"What questions?"
"Mom."
"What? I'm serious, what question?"
"When did it start? Etcetera, etcetera." She prompted.
"Oh, that... I thought we skipped passed that."
"No, we didn't."
"Can't we talk about this tomorrow morning?"
"No, now. Darce and I plan to go on a trip for a few days, so you won't be seeing me."
"I thought you were mad at her."
"Mom! Don't change the subject."
"Alright, fine."
I rolled my eyes as Jane crossed her legs. "It started the day after I caught your little girlfriend with a client. Ms. T-"
"Wait? Was that after we had that whole talk about her? When she stormed over at my place saying you went to her job and nearly bludgeoned her to death?"
"I did no such thing!"
"Was that the day?"
"Yes but I-"
"And then what happened?"
Sighing, I suppressed my eye roll. "The next day Ms. T came to the hospital where I worked, still don't know how she knew that, and she apologized. Kinda."
"Kinda?"
"Well, she's-" I stopped as I tried to search for the right word.
"A Dom?" Jane pitched in.
"Yeah, exactly! We argued and somehow ended up making out."
"At the hospital?!"
"The room was empty."
"Mom!"
"What?! She's very good at what she does."
"Ew, I so don't need to hear about two old people making out!" Jane joked.
"Get outta my room."
I shoved her off my bed and she landed with a soft thud before she cracked up with laughter. Luckily for me, she took the hint and left, leaving a sound of laughter in her wake.
Dunder head.