I wasn't aware of anything else.
Not the chimes of sheer delight coming from my Mother, although I was sure they were there.
Nor was I aware of the grumbles that undoubtedly came from my Father.
No, the only thing that was upper most in my head at this precise moment was what Alan had just announced.
Oh my goodness!
He was actually going to be playing my love interest in the film.
I swallowed hard as my insides churned around so uncontrollably I thought, that I would be sick.
Why hadn't I even considered that possibly?
I mean Alan Rickman was an actor, first and foremost not a talent scout!
But my mind was now in a kind of turmoil.
If he is playing Jonathan Saunders, according to the script I had read, there are some very intimate scenes to play out.
The garbled conversation that was going on between my Mother and Alan had now become muffled as the only thing that my mind could possibly process was the fact that I would now be required to kiss Alan Rickman!
Oh sure, I knew it was would only be acting, but I would still have to do it like I had done with poor Marcus!
But unlike with Marcus, I would be required to do other things as well.
Oh dear God!
Those other things meant that I had to play some extremely intimate love making scenes with him.
I mean HIM of all people.
My fingers were now twisting uncontrollably on my lap and I now felt really hot and sweaty.
I needed to get some air........and quickly.
Scraping my chair back noisily across the tiled kitchen floor, I was up on my feet in an instant and wobbled slightly as I stood up straight.
I lightly put a hand on the table to steady myself and noticed that the excited chatter from my Mother had stopped very suddenly.
" Are you alright Darling?". She asked, noticing my sudden movement.
I took in some deep breaths, not daring to look at Alan as I did so.
"I'm fine". I lied.
Mother was now staring at me closely.
She could obviously tell that I wasn't and I was very aware that Alan was looking at me also.
I moved around the table, quite deliberately, trying to regain a little bit of composure and to stave off the feeling of wooziness that threatened to take over me.
I took in a deep breath.
"Look, If you don't mind......l.......must go and see.....you know". I said to her.
Her eyes widened.
" You mean.........you haven't seen him yet?". She asked in shocked surprise.
I shook my head as I had now managed to leave the stability of the kitchen table and make my way towards the door.
"No......we came straight here you see, so I haven't had the chance to go and say hello yet". I answered.
Now with my hand on the door handle, I turned and looked at Alan, who still had some food left on his plate.
He was looking at me with a mixture of slight concern and bewilderment on his face.
"I won't be very long". I said to him, quickly turning away and opening the door.
As the cold, fresh air greeted me, I heard my Mother saying:
"She always says that! She'll be ages talking to him. Another cup of tea Alan?".
I took another deep breath.
I felt awful just walking out and leaving Alan there with my parents, but I had to get out. I had to take stock and think things over.
After all, I had received quite a shock!
Walking down the small, narrow path that led towards the garden gate, I could now see Alan's beautiful BMW parked just beyond it.
My stomach did a little twist at the sight of it and then I smiled.
I still could not really believe that movie star Alan Rickman had actually brought me me here in the first place and that he was now currently sitting in my parents kitchen drinking tea!
But what I was finding just as unbelievable was the fact that I had now discovered that I would have to do some very explicit love making scenes with him.
How nieve and stupid had I been as not to have even realise in the first pace that this could be a possibly.
I breathed in deeply, then made my way down the narrow path that led out of the garden and glanced again at Alan's car.
Why hadn't I just asked him on the way up here, whether or not he was in the film. I mean I had ample opportunity. Then it wouldn't have been such a shock to me now.
We had spent many hours sat beside one another in the car, we could have disgusted it at great lengths between one another.
I walked around the side of the vehicle looking at the drivers seat where he had been sat.
Maybe it wasn't such a big deal for him, after all he's done sexual scenes like this numerous times before and he probably thought that I was well able to take it all in my stride.
Well, if it was with another actor, yes I would surely have been fine with it.
I mean, I knew all about what I would be required to do. Having read through all of the script, I realised that a lot of acting would be needed from me to portray Christina in these scenes.
But I was confident enough to believe that opposite somebody else, my theatre experience would see me through, and I would be alright.
But with him!
Oh why did have to be with him!
My feelings are so mixed up as it is.
This is only going to make matters so much much worse!
Turning away from the car, I was now walking along a narrow footpath that ran alongside my parents garden. It wasn't much of a path and was only mainly frequented by the occasional dog walker.
Either side of the path were tall, spindley trees that bowed down, threatening to touch any unsuspecting passerby with their long, tentacle looking branches.
It was a short cut to where I was heading and very soon the pathway fanned out onto open farmland. Before me now stood a large iron gate, padlocked as usual by an enormous rusty old lock that had been jammed for years.
Although the gate was here, I could never, ever remember a time when it had been opened and now most of it was actually covered with harsh looking brambles entwined with old bits of redundant barbed wire that was serving no purpose whatsoever.
Tentevely I began to climb the gate, which I was glad to report, that despite its years was very strong and stable and not at all wobbly. However, I had to be careful as to not snag any of my clothing on either the brambles or indeed, the barbed wire.
Landing safely on the other side, I now scanned my eyes around me to take in this wonderful scenery that now lay before me.
My troubles, anxieties and woes seemed a million miles away from me now as I breathed in the glorious surroundings around me.
This was simply breathtaking as the rolling hills, a patchwork of colours and textures greeted my eyes as they adjusted to the beauty before me.
This was Shropshire.
I was home.
I now began to walk across the vastness of the beautiful green meadow and felt totally at ease with the quietness that surrounded me.
I loved it here. Its tranquility and serenity was like a comforting blanket and I felt safe.
In the distance I could make out the silhouette of some old farm buildings and I smiled to myself. That was my destination.
I quickened my pace.
I had now approached a large wooden gate with a thick piece of heavy rope tying it to a metal post. I wasn't going to climb over this one nor indeed go through it, for I knew that if I just stood here long enough, my friend would come to me.
He always does.
That's the kind of friend he was.
I had already seen him. In the distance, talking with a couple of his mates. He hadn't noticed me yet but I knew, just as soon as he did, he'd be over.
I would just stand here and wait. I didn't want to suddenly disturb him with my sudden appearance, after all he wouldn't have known I was coming.
So I leaned on the gate and looked about me and tried to make sense of my feelings.
Alan and I hadn't got off to the best of starts.
My preconception of him coming to the theatre, was marred by the fact that I disliked the way he seemed to be, during the filming of the Harry Potter film I was in.
He was aloof and stern, grumpy and miserable, whilst everyone else was happy and smiley and really seemed to enjoy the experience.
To me though, it seemed as if he didn't really want to he there.
Although he was amenable and chatty and really quite nice when coming out to sign the autographs.
He was totally different.
Then it was the way he looked at me. Now that was really strange.
He had a really intense stare as if he had recognised me from somewhere but couldn't remember where.
So when he arrived at our little theatre to direct us and everyone was excited at his presence, I welcomed him with a certain amount of caution, knowing how prickly he could get.
I wasn't wrong either.
I suddenly shivered at the memory of how he seemed to attack my acting at every opportunity. The way he huffed and threw his arms down in despair as I tried to get it right for him.
I really did try.
Then when I cried enough, I had walked off that beloved stage of mine and vowed not to speak with him again.
But the turn of events since then had now put me in a really difficult position.
I had now arrived at this point. Not only in Shropshire having been driven up here by the same person I had promised myself never to speak to again. But at the point where my feelings for said person, had changed so dramatically that I was now at risk of actually liking him.
Rather a lot.
How had that happened?
And why had he, seemingly made such an effort to help me with my acting, when he had made it patently clear to me beforehand that he had hated it.
I was confused.
About everything.
I then suddenly became aware of someone standing beside me and I looked up to see a pair of rather big, dark eyes looking right at me.
I smiled.
I knew he would come.
"Hello". I beamed, "And how are you?".
His warm breath now blew gently onto my neck and I closed my eyes at the sensation of it. This also allowed me to take in his familiar aroma as I now reached out and touched his face.
"I've really missed you". I whispered to him, "You have no idea just how much".
I then felt his head bow down to touch my own and I knew that he was ready to really listen to me like he always does.
I took in a deep breath.
"I cannot begin to tell you what as been happening since I last saw you". I sighed.
His big, dark eyes blinked at me and I smiled.
"But knowing you, you really wouldn't be that interested anyway".
He turned to look at me in that way of his and I knew that I was absolutely right. He wasn't in the least bit interested in what I did and certainly had no appreciation in what I had done or anything I was about to do, but in a strange sort of way I found that to be quite refreshing.
I had always told him everything and to his credit he had never judged me, never ever criticised me, nor had he ever forced any opinion on me. Conversely, he had never congratulated me on any of my achievements or expressed any sort of pride in any of my work.
But I knew that he was here for me, anytime that I needed him and to me that was worth everything.
I took in a shallow breath, as I now touched the side of his face.
"I now have a film part. A real film part that I'm actually very excited about. But someone really famous is in it with me and I .........er.......well I didn't think that I liked him very much, in fact.........I hated him".
I paused as I continued to touch the side of my friends face. It was giving me much needed comfort and he seemed very relaxed by it too, as he brought his head down closer towards me.
"You see........well things might have changed a bit". I whispered quietly. "Because.......... well......I think I'm beginning to........actually fall in love with him".
My stomach twisted at the sudden realisation.
" My god, I've just gone and said it out loud".
I took in a breath.
" I've actually admitted it to myself and now. I've just realised that is what's been wrong with me all this time". I said, as my companion blew warm breath against my ear.
I lent against his strong shoulder and closed my eyes for a second.
It shouldn't have been such a shock really though. I'd been blushing in this mans presence for quite a while now, and not because he was a movie star either.
I was also very interested on his opinions about different things and as I may not have fully agreed with them for the majority of the time, I always took on board what he had said and that in itself was a huge thing.
I mean why would I care what he thought if I didn't value his opinion.
The truth was, I always did.
I cared about what he thought.
I cared about him.
I wanted to impress him. I needed him to notice me and although I had fought it for so long now, I could no longer find it within me to keep my feelings hidden from him any longer.
I was going to have to let him know. Sooner rather than later.
Before we started shooting the film.
Oh my God!
The film!
Christ, I was going to have to act out explicit. sexual scenes with the one man who I've come to really adore.
Suddenly, I thought that I couldn't actually do it.
My big break into the film industry had rested with me auditioning for this part and now my stupid feelings of love had gotten in the way.
I should not have allowed it to happen.
I should have kept away,
I should have just carried on hating him.
Damn, it would have been easier if I did.
I turned to look at my friend again, who now seemed to be dozing in the warm evening sunshine.
"What am I going to do?". I asked, with a very deep heart felt sigh.
"This is such a mess. Why did I ever allow this to even happen. I thought I had more sense, especially after the last time".
My stomach twisted at the memory of how I had fallen for Ashcroft Jennings, the chef I used to work with at José's.
And then how he had broken my heart into a million pieces as he had concealed that he had been engaged the whole time and had only ever seen me as a dear and loyal friend.
I don't think that I'd ever get over the way he just suddenly left, with his fiancé to try his talents abroad and I was left behind, totally confused and devastated by him.
Ashcroft had meant the world to me.
I suppose I loved him.
And now it seemed to be happening again with Alan, although this time it was much, much worse.
"I don't know what I'm going to do". I whispered quietly. "You see, I'm going to have to do these..........well, scenes with him in the film and they're a bit..........".
My voice trailed off as not only was I trying to find the words, to try and explain, but also by my companions sudden movements.
He was now standing upright and tall as if his attention was suddenly taken elsewhere.
I looked over in the direction he was looking at but saw nothing.
That was the thing with him. He could be so easily distracted.
" There's no one there". I soothed, "Now listen, I have to tell you of my predicament".
But he was having none of it, and was now even more intent on looking away from me at something he found to be more interesting than me.
"Are you going to listen to me or not". I scolded him, "Because I really need to tell you this, it's important".
With this my companion diverted his attention back towards me again and with big, deep brown eyes looking at me in such a way, I knew that he was apologising.
I smiled at him.
"There, that's better. Now then, as I was saying, I have to do these scenes with the man that I am just starting to have some very strong romantic feelings for and I just don't know how I am going to cope". I said.
But just as I finished my sentence, my loyal, listening companion decided that this was the moment he was really going to freak out, as in a sudden, hurried, swift movement he lept sideways away from me, almost falling over as he did so.
This now only added to his panic and in a blur of black, he was gone.
I turned quickly and was now faced with a figure of a man now approaching me, who was funnily enough, looking startled by the reaction of my friend.
I let out a breath and clutched at my chest in relief.
"Oh my God! Alan! It's you!". I shrieked.
"I'm sorry Gwen". He smiled, "Did I startle you?".
"Just a little, but I think he's more scared". I answered, looking towards my friend, who was now watching us from a safe distance.
Alan followed my eye line and nodded knowingly.
" Horses". He said simply.
I looked at him wondering what he was going to say next.
"I'd quite forgotten how nervous they could be". He mused, still looking at the animal a little way from us.
We stood there together in silence for a moment, just looking at the wary creature, before Alan, taking in a breath then said:
"He's scared of me, isn't he".
"Well, coming out of the bushes like you did wouldn't have helped matters" I laughed.
Alan smiled at me.
"Suppose not". He said, with a slight nod of his head.
"Anyway?". I suddenly asked, "How did you know where to find me?".
"Your Mother gave me some directions. She said you'd come this way". He said.
I nodded.
Yes, I thought to myself, she would be very keen for Alan to find me!
"I bet you were surprised to see it was a horse I'd come to see". I laughed.
"To be truthful, I didn't know what to expect". Alan admitted.
We were silent again for a moment, like there was a slight awkwardness between us.
I really wanted to ask him about the film, why he hadn't told me that he would be playing the lead male part and what exactly his thoughts were about doing these explicit sex scenes with me.
I looked down and could see that my fingers had wrapped themselves into some kind of a knot in front of me, hence my nervousness.
I swallowed hard. I had to ask him about it. I had to know.
I took in a breath ready to speak, but Alan beat me to it and spoke first:
"Does he have a name?".
I frowned a him.
My mind was full of something else and Alan's question had thrown me somewhat.
" Your friend". Alan went on, "What do you call him?".
I smiled. This was the distraction I needed from my current worries and I was very pleased that Alan was interested enough to want to know more about him.
But then my smile turned into a laugh as I now realised that the name I had given to my four legged friend had a very strong Harry Potter reference.
"You have to realise". I began to explain, "That when I got him, I had just finished reading The Prisoner of Azkaban"
Alan cocked an eyebrow.
" And I really loved the whole book and one character in particular". I went on.
"Go on". Alan said cautiously.
I took in a breath and then with a slight smile, I then said:
"So I named him Seriously Black".
I watched as I waited for the penny to drop. Waited for the realisation to what I had called my beloved pet and then I noticed the curve of Alan's mouth turn upwards, before he began to laugh out loud.
"Well I defiantly wasn't expecting that!". He concluded as he shook his head.
"Well I thought it was clever naming, I mean he is black after all". I grinned.
Alan stared at me from under hooded eyes.
"I was led to believe that Severus Snape was actually your favourite character". He said, quite seriously.
" Oh, No No.......Defiantly not him". I blurted out suddenly, almost forgetting for a moment that it was actually the potions master himself that was standing right opposite me, well the person who played him anyway.
"I......see.....". He said slowly.
But I carried on regardless.
" He's so mean to all of the children, especially Harry, I can't understand why on earth he would ever want to be a teacher. But I suppose it all adds to the story to have a really horrid character such as him, even if he did turn out to be the hero".
Alan continued to look at me then added:
"I happen to believe that he's also rather interesting".
It was my turn to now look at him!
"Oh.....my God! Sorry". I quickly apologised, "I didn't think".
Alan nodded his head.
"It's good to know that he provokes such strong feelings". He said.
I looked down feeling just a little embarrassed about going on like that about my least favourite character, when it was Alan who was playing him.
I took in a breath.
"Do you enjoy acting the part of Snape?". I asked him.
"Very much so". He answered.
I frowned at him.
That was defiantly not the impression I had received from him as I suddenly thought back to when I was playing an extra in The Goblet of Fire and had seen Alan for the very first time. He just appeared to be hating every second of it.
He looked miserable and aloof and certainly didn't crack a smile at all.
I had the distinct feeling that he would have preferred to have been elsewhere.
" We have so much fun on set". Alan went on, "Things happen that I couldn't possibly repeat in polite company".
I smiled and looked down, averting my eyes from the curious stare that Alan was now giving me.
"It looks as if your friend is coming back". Alan then said quietly.
I now looked up to see that Serious was now making his way towards us. His head was now lowered and he moved with gentle ease, which suggested to me that he had calmed right down.
"You silly boy". I soothed, reaching out to stroke his neck, "There was no need for that now, was there?".
I continued to run my hand along his strong, muscular, black coat, enjoying these few moments I was now having with him.
It was absolute bliss being in the company of such a fine looking animal such as he was, that for a few seconds I had totally forgotten that the film star Alan Rickman was also standing here.
"I took the liberty". He suddenly spoke, moving forward.
I turned to look at him in surprise to see him reaching into the pocket of his jacket for something.
" I hope you don't mind". He went on, now showing me a handful of white and brown sugar cubes that were in the palm of his hand.
Serious was now very interested in Alan and craned his neck towards the big man, trying hard to gain his attention.
" I don't mind at all". I grinned, suddenly thinking to myself that Mother had most likely gone out and bought a box of them especially for our visit.
I mean, we never have cubed sugar as a rule!
"You give them to him". I went on, curious to see whether or not he actually would.
For I would not have been at all surprised if he, just like many of the other friends that I had brought here, had ended up being petrified of him!
But Alan was not.
Gently, he reached out his hand towards the soft muzzle of the once nervous creature and offered him the sugar cubes.
Serious was there in an instant and crunched on them gratefully.
I smiled at the scene before me.
So at ease was Alan at being in the company of such a big, imposing animal, that I was quite sure that he had done this sort of thing before. So without thinking and certainly without much consequence of what the implications his answer would have, I suddenly blurted out:
"Do you ride?"
Alan turned to look at me. His eyes had now took on a mischievous look, as the corners of his mouth creased upwards.
"It has been known". He now grinned.
The look he was giving me and the sexiness of his simple answer turned my stomach upside down and caused my face to blush bright red.
I swallowed hard, trying to halt my embarrassment and hoping that he hadn't noticed. But by the look on his face he had and was seemingly gaining great pleasure from seeing me squirm.
"I meant.......". I tried to explain, in an attempt to compose myself.
" I know what you meant". Alan said slowly, but he was still staring at me in a wicked way.
I now put my head down. I couldn't look at him. I felt hot and clammy but at least I now knew why.
Alan, though was now reaching inside his trouser pocket to receive a handkerchief to wipe his hands with.
He was still smiling as he felt it was about time to elaborate on my earlier question and so therefore, put me out of my misery.
"I had to learn to ride a horse for Quigley Down Under, a film I did with Tom Sellick". He said, now wiping the palms of his hands with the handkerchief.
I gawped at him, open mouthed. I hadn't expected that answer at all. I just presumed that he was going to say that he had never even sat on a horse, never mind actually ridden one!
This man was so full of surprises.
" You could say that I was a bit of a late starter". He went on, looking at me in that mischievous way of his.
I felt my cheeks suddenly start to flush again.
Oh, God control yourself Gwen. I thought to myself.
" I'm not exactly a natural". Alan continued. "But I could stay on at least".
I smiled at his admission and my mind tried to picture him astride a magnificent horse and how he would look.
I mean it would have to be a fairly big horse. Alan was, after all, quite a large man.
"I also had to ride a bit in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves".
He then went on.
"Although that wasn't overly demanding".
I stared at him, trying to remember the film. I was sure I had seen at least some of it.
"Then of course there was Sense and Sensibility".
I smiled at him. Now I knew I had defiantly seen that one, be it quite a long time ago now.
"I had to do some galloping in that one". He grinned. "But its not something I really wanted to make a habit of, you understand".
He drew in a breath.
"Horses, although very beautiful are also extremely unpredictable".
I nodded my head in absolute agreement.
" A bit like a lot of ladies I know". He beamed.
I began to laugh, although it had now really dawned on me that he would obviously know quite a lot of extremely beautiful and indeed very talented women.
My laughter had now stopped quite abruptly as this realisation had very suddenly hit me.
Why on earth was someone like him, really bothering with someone like me, particularly when he knew the likes of Emma Thompson, Lyndsay Duncan and Sigourney Weaver.
He was now staring at me curiously as if trying to work out what exactly I was thinking.
Or maybe he wasn't.
Maybe he was just wondering just why I had suddenly stopped laughing.
I cleared my throat in an attempt to get these crazy thoughts about him out of my head.
I mean I had no right to think of him in any other way than as a mentor and someone who's help and direction I had now complete trust in.
It was the only way.
"So......um.....were you very nervous, you know, when you were told that you had to do something, even though you were inexperienced". I suddenly found myself asking.
Alan narrowed his eyes at me.
"Are you asking because you're interested. Or are you talking about yourself?". He said quietly.
My heart skipped a thousand beats as he threw that one straight back at me.
Quickly I tried to stem my face from blushing by answering in a hurried tone.
"Both".