5 - Emmalyn
I had woken up several hours ago. What am I saying? I never actually fell asleep. It was just a state of uncomfortable unconsciousness in which nightmares haunted me. My subconscious made fun of me as I tried to run away but I was running in circles. I was never able to run away from the patronizing voices. My father's face appeared in front of me, assuring me everything was fine, and just as I calmed down his face became distorted and agonizing cries made me crouch as I grabbed a hold of my head, which felt as if it would explode.
Right now, I rested in a crouched position in my favorite part of my room, by the window sill, the only thing that felt like home now. It was incredible how quickly the place I had grown up in seemed like an asylum -or worse, a prison.
I slowly placed my chin on top of my knees as I pressed them tightly against my chest until it started to hurt and looked out of the window. It had slightly rained last night, so my window was fogged. I drew mindless patterns against the glass pane, trying to get my mind off yesterday, off those nightmares from the late dead of night. Try as hard as I might, I knew that what my father did to us would haunt me forever. I could not help but wonder if I would ever be able to forgive him.
A shaky sigh escaped my lips as pained tears rolled down my cheeks. I hated them; I wanted to be strong and to feel nothing. It was definitely better than feeling this excruciating pain. To make everything worse, both Lena and Alex had been busy last night, so I had had no one to vent to. Well, Lena had called for a brief moment in which I just told her what had happened. She had claimed she had to go before I got to the part about how I felt about it.
I heard my door creak open and snapped my head in that direction. My brother had insisted in going to his room to sleep, but I was not sure if he had got any sleep, either. I had swiped my face clean of any tears in one swift motion, before my eyes landed on the frail figure of my mother. She still sported the worried look from yesterday, probably fearing how this was affecting Ben and me.
It was hell, but I did not want to tell her that. She was badly hurt enough already. No need for any more worries. My brother and I would have to deal with this on our own, over some ice cream and heart to heart conversations. We had each other after all, no need to drag more people into this mess.
'Can I come in?' she asked in a strained voice and I instantly knew she had been crying all night.
'Of course,' I hurried to say and I stood up from my crouched position.
'Are you okay, my love?' she inquired as she walked through my room, shortening the distance between us.
'Just fine, mom,' I promised her, trying to keep my voice light. I did not want it to have any trace of pain or annoyance, for that was the least my mother needed from me.
'Are you sure?'
'Yes.'
'What about Ben?'
'He'll be just fine too. Just don't push him,' I suggested.
'Okay,' my mother whispered with a curt nod and then silence fell upon us.
I looked up and her sad and tired gaze made the hole in my chest grow bigger. My bottom lip instantly started quivering and my mom cooed, 'No, honey, please.' I shook my head and tried to laugh it off, but instead of a laugh a cry of pain came out of the back of my throat.
She quickly enveloped me in her warm embrace and I hid my face on the crook of her neck. We stayed like that for a long while, just holding on to each other, since we were all each other had. My brother was still too young. I did not want to put him through this. All I wanted was to protect him from the hurt. My father made it almost impossible, but I did not mind. I would be there for my little Ben because he deserved to have someone there for him.
I did not even want to think about what my brother was feeling. All I knew was that I was afraid he would block me out because of this. I did not want him to think he was on his own. I wanted him to know that he had me, that we would get over this together.
'Get ready for school, my love,' my mother whispered into my ear as she disengaged herself from my trembling self a few minutes later.
I nodded in agreement and she kissed my temple before walking out of my room. 'I'll check on your brother,' she announced as she stopped by the door frame.
'Remember,' I began, 'don't smother him,' I warned.
'I won't,' she promised and with a vague smile finally left my room.
After a short but effective shower and a couple more tears I was finally ready for some breakfast and to face my family on its new form. When I got to the kitchen, my brother and mother were already there. They mumbled responses to each other and it was pretty dull. I knew someone had to cheer it up but I felt so tired that I just sighed and disheveled my brother's hair as a greeting.
'Morning,' I muttered.
He scrunched up his face as he tried to get out of my grasp. 'Emma, stop!' he whined but there was a laugh threatening to escape his lips. It was small, but good enough for the first day after the awful storm.
'What? Am I disrupting a work of art?' I could feel hair product on my hands and had to stifle a laugh. Ben was probably going through the first crush phase and tried to impress her –or him- with a cool hairdo.
'Shut up!'
'Kids,' our motherdeadpanned and I saw the creases in her forehead give in a little. I was glad,that even a faint attempt to make them smile worked. I was not sure I could domuch more, and gladly, for this morning, it seemed enough.