Dr. Felland and I agreed to have a scheduled appointment for two weeks from now. She thought it was important to see me after my transition to the new school. My mother was glad that I didn't fight it and even told my dad that she was so proud of me for admitting that I would enjoy the help.
Little did both of them know that I did the thing in my restroom a little after we got home. I hated myself after, but it had been a long session and I made sure to promise that this was the last time.
"Where's Bill?" asked my dad as he continued to enjoy the take out my mom had brought from the city.
She had worked a shift this morning.
"Still with your mother. She insisted that he stay a few more days. I mentioned that tomorrow was the first day at his new school, but she assured me that he wouldn't be missing much of anything. She went on and on about how he's only six and how he needs to enjoy his childhood."
"How about you, Laurie?" asked my dad and I looked up from my plate, "How are you feeling?"
"Fine. I'm still trying to find a library with a decent set of books," I said and he smiled.
"I'm sure it'll turn up. Have you finished your AP assignments?"
I nodded. "They've been done since the end of July. Small town, fewer expectations."
He let out a loud laugh. "We have jokes now apparently."
I smiled for a brief moment before getting back to being unnoticed.
***
I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked the same as I always had. I wore my dark hair in a long bob. The waves gave it a bit of texture so I didn't have to do much to it ever. My glasses sat too big on my face, but it gave me the desired innocent look. The black frames stood out against my pale skin. I wore a pair of dark high waisted jeans, Will's old Gremlins tee, he wore as if it were the last thing on earth, an oversized mustard cardigan, and my slip-on Vans.
If you were to see me just around you would have never jumped to the conclusion that I did things that most people would consider an unhealthy behavior. I hid it well. I hid it so well that I had gone nearly four years without being discovered. It wasn't till ten months ago, when someone I thought was my friend, decided to tell my parents what they had seen. The marks on my hip and thigh. It was in an odd place. I thought I was for sure never going to be discovered and that I could continue these behaviors until I chose fit.
"Lauren," called my mother on the other side of the door.
Whenever I took too long doing something she seemed to begin to hover.
I sighed, "Come in."
She peeked her head into my room and smiled. "If we leave any later you won't have enough time to find your way around."
"Right," I agreed as I grabbed my backpack and binder.
I followed her out the door and into the car. We drove in a comfortable silence. One we had grown used to since the discovery of my thing occurred. She had insisted several times in our family sessions that she felt like she didn't know me anymore. My dad refused to even go. He made it very clear though that he had lost one child and he refused to lose another especially with the way I excelled.
We pulled up to the school.
"Ready?" she asked.
It looked like my worst nightmare.
"Yeah," I answered as I collected my things from the floor of the car.
"You got everything?" was her next question as I climbed out, "Dr. Felland assured that she would keep her personal on in case you feel the need to relapse. I'll also stay home today. If you ever feel overwhelmed just text me and I'll come get you."
"Thanks, mom," I said and she nodded, "Bye."
"I love you," she replied as I shut the door.
I made my way through the waves of students that seemed to appear throughout the school. For a small town, they seem to have a lot of high school-aged kids. I eventually found my locker and dialed the combination. It felt like an eternity since I've done anything like this. I manage to get it open on the second try and began to collect the books I needed for the first half of my day.
"First time with a combination?" asked someone behind me.
I turned around to see a guy standing behind me. He gave me a half smile before wrapping his hands around the straps to his backpack.
"No. It's just been a while," I admitted as I shut the locker. I turned to face him and fixed my books on my side.
"Henry," he introduced.
You could tell in his expression he was waiting for a response. It felt so weird not knowing how to respond. I had known the same group of people most of my life and having to do this all over again just seemed so unnatural.
"Ummm...Lauren," I replied. It took everything in me not to mess it up.
"Well, Lauren I am your guide around campus. Did Mrs. Peters explain anything of that to you?" he asked and I shook my head no.
"She did not, but I'll gladly relieve you of your duties because that is why I came early. I'm quick to learn, so I think I'll be okay," I assured.
He chuckled, "Thanks."
"Believe me. It would have been more awkward for me than it would have had to have been for you. It was nice meeting you, Henry."
I attempted to take a step away, but he seemed to counter every step I took.
"I really like your shirt," he complimented.
I had to look down at it before I remembered it was Will's Gremlins shirt, "Thank you. I really should get to finding my first-hour class though."
"Sorry. Yeah," he agreed and I nodded, "It's just that we don't really get a lot of new people around here. I mean we were practically friends from birth all of us. Everyone knows everyone's moms and what not."
"Good to know," I said hoping I seemed more polite than rude.
"Okay. I'm really screwing this up," he joked as he slid his hands through his blonde hair, "Where are you from?"
"New York City. I'm sorry for being rude, but I really should get going. Excuse me," I insisted as I manage to get around him and rush down the hall.
I eventually found my English Literature class. It was in a bungalow a little way from the rest of the campus, but I could get used to my class being further away from the rest of society. It would give me some peace and quiet in the morning.
I took a seat on the planter across from it and pulled out my current read. I had managed to get my hands on an encyclopedia dedicated to serial killers.
I had decided I wanted to go into forensic psychology. My mom was very uneasy about the idea of me exploring my curiosities, but Dr. Felland encouraged my mother to give me an opportunity to be me. That a lot of reasons why adolescents got into things was because they were kept from expressing themselves in a healthy way. It was probably the only thing I was thankful for when it came to this entire situation. I no longer had to hide my fascinations and could openly discuss my passions.
"Jack the Ripper," said someone out loud and I looked up to see a guy standing on the ramp of the bungalow I was supposed to go into shortly.
"What?" I asked and he pointed towards my book.
"Jack the Ripper. I wrote a paper last year about nature versus nurture and I happened to use serial killers as my topic," he explained as he leaned against the railing, "Now the real question is should I fear a girl who is reading something so heavy or should I be fascinated?"
"Neither," I answered shortly as I tried to get back to my book.
"Theo, are you harassing the new girl?" asked a girl as she joined him on the ramp.
"No, Tess. I'm simply judging her taste in literature," he replied.
They must have been twins. They were nearly identical. They both shared a light complexion with dark features. The only difference between them seemed to be their eye color. She had dark brown while he had a much more honey color.
"Excuse my brother. He can be an ass in the morning. I'm Tess Kellen and this is my obnoxious brother, Theo," she introduced and I waved.
People in this town seem to be much too friendly for my liking.
"You are?" he pushed.
I gave in. I was never going to get through the day unnoticed.
"Lauren Blaise," I said as I closed my book and slipped it back into my backpack.
"You must have some sort of brain if you're hanging out on this side of campus," he complimented and I chuckled.
"What he means is that you must be in American Literature with Ms. Xavier," she corrected looking over at him unamused.
"They didn't have any room left in any other English course so I suppose so," I agreed as the first bell went off.
There was that feeling again. I felt the burning begin to spread throughout my limbs and my breathing became shallow. I began to pull on my hair tie discretely and counted down the numbers from twenty in French quietly.
"Are you okay?" asked Tess.
I had genuinely forgotten they were both there. I stood up quickly and basically ran into the classroom hoping to avoid any more discussions. The teacher looked up at me surprised and then smiled.
"Good morning," she greeted and I waved.
"Will there be a seating chart?" I questioned quietly and she raised a curious eyebrow at me.
"There will not be, but you are?" she asked.
"Lauren Blaise," I answered.
She gave me the look all of my teachers had done when I returned months after the home study. It was the look of worry and pity. I hated it. It was probably one of the few things that still fueled my desire to do things. I hated being victimized, especially when it was my decision to do what I had done.
She looked over at her door and then at me, "I'm glad you're okay, Lauren. I'm also glad to have finally met you."
"Is that all?" I asked as I tried to restrain myself from pulling on my hair tie.
She smiled apologetically at me, "My son battles with the same issue. I just want to assure you that I'm a friend. I'm not the enemy."
I know Dr. Felland always said that I wasn't the only person in the world who battled with things. She assured me that there were plenty of people out in the world who were recovering from similar issues and sometimes some of them never really knew why they were doing what they did. It was just weird to know that there was suddenly a character in my life with similar battles.
It was probably the first thing anyone ever said to me that eased the burn I was feeling.
I cleared my throat, "Thank you. I'm just going to take a seat now."
She nodded and I found a seat in the far corner. The closer I was to the board with the least amount of interaction was always the best place I found to sit. I set my backpack on the ground and opened my binder to find the syllabus my mom printed out for me. She wanted to make sure I was prepared before I came, but I hadn't glanced once at it till now.
That's when the twins walked in followed by a few more people. They seemed to be catching up with one another and discussing the assigned summer reading. That's when the final bell went off. I looked up from the syllabus as the class of maybe fifteen including myself began to settle.
"Good morning," announced Ms. Xavier as she made her way to the front of the classroom.
She received plenty of responses from the rest of the class as she began to write something on the board.
"The Scarlet Letter," was what she had written on the board.
"Summer reading was interesting wasn't it?" she asked as she began to pace across the front of the board, "Now I want some opinions. Tess and Theo cannot be the ones leading the class because, as their mother, I know they've read plenty of the titles we'll be reading over the course of the next semesters religiously."
The sudden urge began to flare up again. I looked over to see Theo smiling over at the woman who had just announced was his mother. Tess nudged him playfully and he laughed as he slid his hands through his slicked back undercut or what would have been one if he had styled it with some sort of product.
"Lauren, we haven't heard from you," insisted Ms. Xavier, "What are your thoughts?"
That burning had turned into a full-blown wildfire at this point.
"The Scarlet Letter. It was--it was interesting. I liked how all three books appealed to the young adult population especially in the idea of sexuality. It's explored in all three novels whether that be in a different gender or even time period," I manage to get out with only stuttering once.
"Interesting approach," she commented with a smile, "You should use it in your paper. I would love to see your thoughts on that."
I nodded.
"Great. Renee, you're up," announced Ms. Xavier as she moved onto the next student.
I waited till her lecture was over. It seemed like the longest half hour of my life and about twenty minutes still remained. She had released us to work on our prewrites for our papers and I decided now would be the best time to ask to leave class. I made my way across the class and over to her desk where she was working on what looked like a presentation.
"May I use the restroom?" I asked and she looked up at me.
"Of course. It's right across the lawn in the next building," she instructed and I smiled in thanks.
I quickly left the classroom. It felt like it had taken me centuries to get there. I quickly locked myself in the handicap stall and began to dry heave over the toilet.
I hated myself for feeling this way. I hated needing something so wrong so bad. I hated the fact that I had promised myself not to do it again, but my skin ached for the simple things. I quietly tried to count backward, but it only made me more anxious about the entire situation.
That's when a small red drop made itself present in the water. I looked down at my skin and realized I had broken into my palm with my nails. I shook my head no in disappointment. I grabbed a piece of toilet paper from the dispenser and pressed against the fresh cut hoping to stop the bleeding. I flushed the toilet and quickly made my way to the sink. I tossed the paper into the trash can before washing my hands thoroughly with soap and water. The stinging of the soap inside the small wound made the urge a little more bearable.
I made my way back to class. I returned to my seat and made sure to cover my hand with the sleeve of my cardigan. I couldn't risk being discovered so soon in the school year. I could hear the lecture my mom would give my dad about how she knew it was too soon for me to return to a normal school. We would have an emergency appointment with Dr. Felland, and Dr. Felland would bring up about how we had made so much progress. She would say how disappointed she was, but that we could work on this thing together again.
"Serial killers and sexuality," commented Theo and I looked over to see he had slipped into the seat beside me.
I was suddenly wondering where the girl who said her name was Brandy had gone to. She seemed like a perfectly great person to sit beside seeing she hasn't spoken a word to me since class started.
"What else goes on in that head of yours?" he asked as he read over my expression curiously.
"Not much," I lied as I tried to get back to my prewrite.
"I am the prince of lies, the king being my father. I'm going to figure you out Lauren Blaise," he said with a slight grin on his face.
The urge to do things was suddenly back. We had moved to make sure this stayed back in the city. My father went to great lengths to make sure the school was well aware of my situation and that it wasn't to be mentioned unless in private. My parents paid too much money to Dr. Felland for me to relapse and return to the hospital.
"Well you'll be thoroughly disappointed," I admit as I flipped through The Scarlet Letter.