On the Serenity, one week after Inara's departure...
Zoe gripped the safety straps next to her seat and tried to fight down the rising bile in her throat. River and Mal were doing the best they could navigating the asteroid field orbiting across their path without getting hit, but that didn't mean it was all smooth sailing. She could still feel the twisting and rocking of the ship when Kaylee Tam walked by, as steady as you please.
She caught Zoe's dizzy grimace and her face twisted into a look of concern.
"Are you okay?"
If she opened her mouth to answer, Zoe knew vomit was inevitable.
"Think I'm sick," she muttered, and staggered her way to the nearest lavatory.
Once the vomiting subsided, Zoe allowed the captain to order her confined to her bunk. She trudged through the door...
His smell wafted off of every surface. How had she not noticed it? Zoe felt the emotions she had steadily mastered for so long suddenly spin out of her grasp. All she could see was his face; all she could hear was his voice; all she could feel were his arms around her.
Hoban; her Hoban. Her rock, her heart, her love. Hoban who wasn't particularly wise, or brave, or strong—but he was hers, and she was his.
Was.
She emerged from her outburst in a different place: the empty docking bay where Inara's shuttle usually attached. They had supplied her with a cot, a few belongings, and some provisions. Their message was clear: Take all the time you need.
So she did. Zoe Washburne mourned her husband as she had been longing to do ever since they left Miranda. Among the belongings were some photos:
Hoban in the cockpit with that ridiculous mustache that reminded her of a living, crawling caterpillar clinging to his lip...
The piecemeal wedding day when the two of them realized (in the midst of transporting illicit goods for a laundering service that dealt in more than just fine clothing) just how empty their lives would be without each other, and just how well they suited each other...
Hoban entertaining a group of village children on one of the desert planets; that time he surprised her with a new gun and a real wedding band...
The band she now wore on a chain around her neck, because she hadn't been able to bear seeing it on her finger. She dug it out now, still sobbing furiously all over again. Her hands, normally so steady they could hit a pinhead at one hundred yards, shook so bad she could hardly unclasp the chain. She slipped the ring off and placed it back into her finger, weeping as she seemed to feel his arms gather her close again. She curled into a ball and wept until she had no tears left. After that, it was a steady process of rebuilding all the shattered pieces of herself until she was ready to once again venture back out to her position as first mate.
Zoe activated the door, and nearly stumbled over a body just outside.
River scurried out of the way with a small squeak.
Zoe eyed the sleep sack and the bleary look in her eyes, never doubting for a moment that she probably looked the same in a mirror.
"How long was I in there?" She asked.
River stared at her face. "Sixteen days," she answered. "I kept watch."
More than two weeks. "What did I miss?"
"There was a shipment of drugs we delivered, two days late so Captain Reynolds had to fight a man. We almost got caught by soldiers again, but they stopped chasing us after Jayne led them into a trap."
While River rambled on, Zoe glanced down the terminals. The engine lay still.
"Where is everyone?"
"The others are out picking up a shipment for another job. It's just me and my brother and my sister," finally the small face broke into a wide grin, "and you."
Zoe sighed, but there was no more grief in her. Only a latent sick feeling.
"Well good; I need the doc to make sure I'm all fit again," she stated.
River fidgeted, still standing outside the door to the docking bay. "I'll clean up," she said, and vanished into the bay.
Zoe didn't mind; all that crying had left the muscles of her torso as sore as if she'd been someone's punching bag. There was some mild dizziness still nagging the back of her mind, but that was probably due to staying in one room for so long.
She made it to the door of the makeshift medical bay. Simon stood at the table against the back wall, cataloging vials and syringes.
Zoe took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
"Hey, doc."
Simon jumped back and whirled around, relief flooding his face when he saw Zoe. "Oh! Hey, it's just you." He set down the vial he was clutching and gave her his full professional attention.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
Zoe gave another sigh, feeling her lungs loosen and relax as she did. "Better," she told him. "Thanks, I needed that."
Simon nodded. "We understand."
Zoe smirked. "Sounds like you all have had a terrible time while I've been out."
Simon shrugged. "You could say that; but it's nothing we couldn't help each other through."
The small struggle in her core wouldn't go away. "Doc, I just wanted your professional assessment to make sure I'm ready to be part of the crew again; I don't want to break down if the captain needs me. I was feeling really sick there for a while, so I just want to make sure it's nothing serious."
Dr. Tam nodded. "Understood; here, let me just take a blood sample to check for antibodies, or other abnormalities." He cleaned her fingertip, pricked it, and squeezed out a few drops of blood. Sliding them into a scanner, he assured her. "This will only take a moment."
Zoe waited patiently till the high-pitched beep signaled that the machine had finished. Simon studied the readout carefully.
"Hm, that's interesting..." He mused, adjusting the settings. He glanced at Zoe.
"So you said you were feeling ill a couple weeks ago... Any other symptoms?"
Zoe shrugged, "Aside from the vomiting? Well, I can remember feeling real tired, sometimes a little dizzy—but grief'll do that to you, won't it?"
Simon persisted in staring at her with a strange expression on his face. "Well, with all that you've been through, I would be inclined to think it was your typical influenza virus, like the captain was saying..." His voice trailed off.
Zoe's mind immediately leaped to a thousand different outcomes as she prompted, "But?"
"But the elevated presence of hormones in your blood, coupled with a few other abnormalities..."
Zoe rolled her eyes. "Plain English, Doc! Am I going to die or not?"
"Zoe," Simon finally allowed a smile to unfold on his face. "All these things seem to indicate that you're pregnant."
Zoe's racing thoughts came to a screeching halt. "WHAT?" She barked.
Simon frowned. "I thought you would be happy—"
"Well I'm not!" Zoe snapped. "How can I be pregnant? My husband is dead!"
Simon pointed to his machine. "According to the blood test, you're about four weeks from conception."
"Four weeks!" Four weeks ago, Hoban was still alive; four weeks ago, they could have been a family...
Zoe stood and began pacing. "A baby? I can't have a baby on this ship! Where will it sleep? What will it eat? What if I have to go out on a job?" She stopped and looked back at Simon. "The Captain can't know about this. No one can; not your sister, not your—your wife," her voice caught as the emotions bubbled to the surface again.
Simon tried to pat her gently on the shoulder. "Zoe, it's all right; you don't have to be scared—"
"No, I do!" She cried, jerking away. "I do! I am scared! Do you realize what Mal might do to me if he found out I was pregnant? This ship's got no room for extra bodies. It's not safe for a baby! He'll send me away!"
Simon still maintained a calm demeanor, for her sake. "We can help, we'll all help. You will be fine."
"No!" Abruptly, the anxiety died. Zoe forced herself to forget about the idea of holding a baby. She was the first mate; she had a job to do. "I can't have a baby now. Is there a way to end it before it gets too far?"
Simon blanched. "Wh-you mean kill the child?"
"Don't try to make it out like murder," Zoe growled. "You gorram Doctor types would tell us women all the time that this bundle of developing cells isn't really viable till it's born."
Simon gulped, and Zoe knew he couldn't refute that.
"I want to just be able to move on like it never happened," she declared. "Mal needs me; this job, flying through uncharted space, always on the run, getting into fights—that is my life. Serenity is my home. If I have this baby, all of that would go away."
"Zoe you don't know—"
"And you don't know the captain like I do. Do you have something that will end the pregnancy or not?"
Simon shook his head. "Without killing you? I'll have to check; I was never really prepared for this kind of situation."
"Neither was I," murmured Zoe.
Silence settled over the room as the agitation calmed somewhat.
Simon cleared his throat. "Ahem, Zoe," he began slowly. "Just think about this for a moment: this child, it's not a burden, it's a gift; think of that. A last gift from your husband—"
His words cut off as a strong hand gripped the back of his collar, twisted, and flung him against the nearby cabinets. Zoe had her arm pressed against his throat and her face burned with rage.
"Don't you dare," she choked, "bring Hoban into this! Don't you dare! He's dead! I'm alone! This ain't gonna change that! If you ever mention my husband like that again, I swear I will kill you and cut this thing right outta me with my own hands!" She pressed harder. "Understood?"
Simon nodded against her elbow.
She released him, and he massaged his neck.
"How long before I start showing?" She asked.
Simon struggled to regain his composure and his breath after the attack. "Some women don't start showing till after about the fourth month." He waited till she turned and met his gaze. "Please," he begged. "You've still got time; just think about it. Maybe you might talk to the captain sometime. I'm sure you can get him to understand."
Zoe sighed. She could feel the sobs welling in her chest. Was that what the next nine months were going to be like? "I'll think about it," she conceded, and watched as Simon visibly relaxed. "But—" she lifted a finger and he tensed.
"Not a word," she reminded him.
"Not a soul," he promised.
Zoe barely made it into the hallway before bursting into deep, heavy sobs. "Hoban," she whispered. "Hoban! I can't do this! I can't be strong all by myself! Why did you do this to me? What am I gonna do?"
A footfall behind her caused her to jerk and whirl around. River stood in the hallway, staring intently at her. Zoe made straight for her bunk and did not come out till she heard Captain Mal and the others return.
"-Isn't what I wanted to do!"
"Gee, I'm sorry, Captain! But if I have to run into the crosshairs of six men—"
"You had six? I had TEN!"
Mal and Jayne stopped their bickering when Zoe emerged in the hallway, arms folded.
A smile broke across Mal's features. "Well! Look who's back on her feet! Feeling okay?"
Her stomach—maybe even her womb—lurched, and Zoe fought to keep her composure. She plastered on her biggest smile and assured him, "Doing better, thanks. I'm ready for some action—if that's all right with you, captain."
Mal shrugged. "Okay by me; what do you say, Doc?" He still watched Zoe, but she heard Simon step out of the infirmary. "Can I have my first mate back?"
Simon only hesitated a moment, but it felt like far too long for Zoe before he finally allowed. "Sure, medically she is up for it."
Mal indulged in a fist-pump. "All right! Come on up to the cockpit and I'll fill you in on everything."
Zoe followed him, the secret weighing heavily on her conscience. Soon, she would make her decision, and she wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
By the next day, Zoe was back in the thick of "normal life," running risky business, intimidating thugs, escorting payloads to and from the ship. She found it easier to ignore the developing pregnancy and hide it from the others, visiting Simon regularly because of "headaches" or "trouble sleeping," and her clothes still fit—though the longer this went on, the more unsettled she felt about whether or not to tell Mal before she ended it—before it got too late.
Simon kept his word and pretended along with her that life was just as ordinary as ever—but Zoe still cherished the relief she felt when Kaylee asked to visit her family's farm on Charis. With another group of new friends every bit as boisterous as the young mechanic, it was easy for her to melt into the background and forget all the things she had to hide.
Two weeks on Charis, and Simon and Kaylee approached Mal with the announcement that they would be leaving the crew and settling down to perhaps start their own family. Simon assured them that should they ever need a doctor, he would only be a call away, and Kaylee had already begun the process of showing Jayne how to keep the engine running. River was given the choice, and she opted to stay on the Serenity.
"Nobody hears her like I do," she explained.
As the crew said their farewells, Simon grasped Zoe's hand, and she felt the cool, smooth surface of a vial tucked into her palm.
Simon watched her carefully. "When the time comes, if you need it," he whispered. "This will help."
Zoe kept her face blank as she tucked the vial into the cuff of her sleeve with her fingertips.
Mal regarded her carefully as she returned.
"What was that about?"
Zoe felt the vial as if the glass burned through her skin. "Nothing you need to worry about, Captain," she assured him.
He shrugged his acceptance. "All right, let's get a move on, folks!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Three weeks later, the night after Abaddon's party...
Zoe checked and rechecked the security jammers; there were so few of them now, she had to make sure everything worked smoothly. According to Inara, the memory stick was secreted in a small box inside a room with only one breach point, and everything was heavily guarded.
Badger had told them the truth; this Abaddon was bad news, and if he found out about the Serenity, there would be nothing they could do to resist any longer.
Zoe flinched and put up her guard as someone approached her from behind—
But it was only Mal.
"Hey, whoa, steady on there," he cried. "You don't have to be so on edge. From what I can tell, Abaddon's real power is intimidation and manipulation—all psychological. He's really not that dangerous."
Zoe huffed. "We're short-handed, captain; gotta make sure nothing goes wrong, because we might not get a second chance."
She went on with her systems check, counting out ammunition and verifying the identifications, but Mal didn't leave.
"Zoe," he said softly. "If you want to sit this one out, you can. Inara's got everything set up so that Jayne, River and I can handle it."
Zoe chose her rifle and cocked it. "What makes you think I wouldn't rather be there with you?" She demanded.
The others came in and suited up. They had docked the Serenity at the edge of the trash heap behind Abaddon's fortress, where it wouldn't be noticed. Just down the alley and across the street was the side entrance, their breach point.
Zoe and Mal crouched against the wall as Jayne charged in to take out the first set of guards. A flurry of gunshots, and his gloved hand gave them the all clear.
"I was just thinking you might not want to this time around," Mal whispered behind her. "What with you being pregnant and all."
Zoe lunged forward to take out the guard posted at the corner, sinking her knife into his neck and letting him slide silently down to the floor.
"Who told," she growled. "The Doc?"
Mal grimaced as the guard in his choke-hold squirmed and flopped before falling still.
"Nope," he said. "Actually, River figured it out on her own."
They advanced through the darkened halls toward Abaddon's vault as he continued. "It was something funny she said once you'd come back out. We were flying to Charis, and she looks at me and says—LOOK OUT!"
Zoe whirled and fired as Mal shoved her out of the trajectory of a laser-sighted turret. Jayne ran over while it searched for the others and knocked it right off its mount. Mal kept right on with the story.
"Anyway, River turns to me and says 'Zoe's got two hearts.' I told her no human has two hearts, but she swore you did. She said 'One of them is broken,'" He paused and pulled Zoe to him as they crouched behind a short wall at the middle of the room. "'And the other has just started beating,'" he finished.
Zoe's hand slipped to the space where she could just barely feel her womb.
"It's heart's beating?" She whispered.
Mal shrugged and reloaded his gun. "River said she could hear it. What I want to know is," he twisted to look straight at her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Zoe crouched at the ready. They would make the last charge on Jayne's signal.
"If I had," she grunted. "Would we be doing this right now?"
Mal shrugged as the signal came in the form of a smoke grenade rolling against the wall to cover them.
"Guess not," he said, and both of them sprang up and charged into the fog with a yell.
"YYYAAAAAHHHHH!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Eight Months Later...
"GAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Zoe screamed and lurched forward as another contraction tore through her body.
"That's it," Inara coached from the foot of her bed. "Keep breathing!"
River stood stoically at her side, not even flinching as Zoe squeezed her hand so tightly, her fingertips were nearly purple. She stared at Zoe's raised knees, where Inara crouched, massaging Zoe's legs.
"I see the head!" the Companion cried giddily.
"YAAAAAAAHHH!" Zoe screamed again as a contraction unfolded. River clenched her eyes shut.
"Push!"
"I CAN'T!"
"PUSH!"
"GAAAHH!"
Suddenly, the blinding pain melted in a rush of white light and sound—and the next thing Zoe heard was the most musical wail as Inara tucked a wet, red bundle against her chest.
Zoe craned her neck to look down, releasing River's hand to cradle the squalling new life. Tears poured down her cheeks, splashing onto the baby's soggy head. Inara smiled at her.
"Congratulations," she smoothed Zoe's sweaty hair gently. "It's a fine, healthy boy."
River finally opened her eyes. She took one look at Zoe and the newborn, and her eyes nearly popped out of her head as her face twisted into a grimace.
"Ew, gross!" She ran out of the room.
Inara chuckled softly and moved to take care of the afterbirth.
"What will you name him?" She asked kindly.
Zoe stroked the wet, dark head as she thought of how much she wanted his father there with them. "I admit, I didn't really think of any boy names," she murmured. "Hoban for his daddy of course."
"Of course," Inara agreed. "But what about a second name?"
Zoe leaned back as the baby suckled, warm against her body. "During the labor just now, I thought about Hoban," she said softly. "You remember his last words? The broadcast just before the crash."
"I wasn't listening too closely," Inara admitted. "It sounded like poetry."
"'I am a leaf on the wind,'" Zoe quoted. "'Watch how I soar.' It was the battle cry of some ancient army. He quoted it for me, to remember him by."
A soft knock interrupted them. Inara covered Zoe with a blanket and went to answer it.
"How'd she do?" Zoe heard Mal ask.
Inara asked with a glance, and Zoe nodded.
Inara stepped back to let the men into the room.
"See for yourself," she replied. "It's a boy." She offered Zoe an extra blanket to swaddle the baby.
At the first blink of the tiny, dark eyes, everyone melted.
"Awww! He's such a cutie!" Mal gushed.
Jayne hung back, fascinated, but worried he might break the infant. "Kinda small, ain't he?"
"That's how we all start out, Jayne," Inara chided him, taking the baby from Mal.
"So what'll you call him?" Mal asked. "Hoban Jr.?"
Zoe chuckled. "Hoban is his middle name. We'll call him Lief."
"Lief Hoban Washburne," the captain mused. "I like it!"
Zoe relaxed when Lief finally returned to her embrace.
"So, any luck with those files we took from Abaddon?" She asked.
Mal shot her a calculating glance. "You just had a baby; you should be resting."
"I can rest and think, too," Zoe retorted. "Tell me what I've missed!"
"Well, there isn't much to tell." Mal settled into a nearby chair to discuss. "River cracked the thing in a few days, but what we have doesn't make much more sense than it did before."
"Is it more about Miranda?" Inara asked.
"They do mention Pax," he said. "But there was a whole host of medical information we can't make heads or tails of—not to mention a bunch of jargon about the climates and weather patterns of about half a dozen core planets."
"Why would they need to know about the weather?" Zoe mused.
"I haven't a gorram clue," Mal grunted. "But there is definitely something big going on, something huge—and it's up to us to figure out what it is and do what we do best."
Jayne perked up and guessed, "Shooting up Alliance strongholds and stealing from rich folk?"
Mal grunted, "No! Using our skills to see that justice is done!"
The burly hitman leaned forward with a scowl. "Ain't no justice while Alliance gets away with crap like Miranda!"
Mal nodded. "Exactly! Sometimes we gotta break the rules to get the ones in charge to abide by em."
Inara caught the subtle droop of Zoe's head and waved her hands in a shooing motion.
"All right, that's enough. Let the mother sleep."
The mother... Zoe peeked down at the huffing little face nestled against her shoulder.
"Don't you worry little Lief," she murmured. "I'm gonna raise you right, and someday you're gonna be a man to make your daddy proud."
>>>>>>>>>