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The Ward that I found myself in was familiar, but it wasn't where I was currently meant to be.
I was meant to be in the Ward where the Women go after having their babies, but my mind was whirling and I just didn't even know where I was going.
Emma knew who had been behind the accident?
Some guy who was hell bent on revenge nearly killed Me and my Twins?
He was Emma's Brother?!
"Bailey!"
I stopped in my tracks and turned around, scanning the area for whoever had called out to Me.
A slightly familiar woman, dressed in a pencil skirt and a light grey shirt tucked into the skirt, with thin brown eyebrows, brown hair and green eyes walked towards Me, her heels clicking away on the shiny floor.
"D-Doctor M-Mercy..."
I tried my best to smile.
The Doctor's gaze flickered around the waiting room before she peered back at my face, her expression expectant.
"I really need to talk to you."
She insisted.
"Ummm..."
My palms began to tingle again.
My mind was already reeling.
I was struggling to make sense of things that I thought I'd finally began to come to terms with.
I really didn't want to consume any more information right now.
"C-can it w-wait?"
I squeaked.
I really need to get back to Blayze and the Boy's...
The Doctor pressed her lips together and shook her head, her green eyes serious.
"I'm afraid it cannot."
Cannot...
Excellent.
"O-okay."
I croaked.
"Follow Me."
The Doctor turned on her heel and led the way towards a set of dark blue double doors.
Sucking in a deep, slightly shaky breath, I forced my feet to follow her.
I'd met this Doctor once.
What the heck could she possibly want with Me so urgently?!
The last time I'd seen her She and a Nurse had taken a spot out of my shoulder.
I followed the Doctor past the reception desk where the receptionists were focused intently on their computer screens, tapping away at their keyboards.
It felt like all my blood drained down to my toes.
No.
No, no, no!
"We'll have to run some more tests."
Doctor Mercy explained, her voice gentle.
"But it looks like the best course of attack will be a fairly soon round of chemotherapy."
Chemotherapy...
It felt like somebody lodged a serrated edged knife into my chest.
Doctor Mercy had reminded Me I'd missed my checkup appointment after they'd taken the spot off my shoulder.
That was the day of the dreaded accident.
My Twins' Birthday.
Doctor Mercy closed the folder with a gentle thud that made me jump.
"I more than understand that it's a lot to take in..."
She spoke like she was trying not to scare Me.
Little did she know, I was 100% freaking the fuck out.
"I'd like for you to come in on Monday and we can run more tests."
Doctor Mercury explained, clasping her hands together on top of the folder that was sitting in front of her.
I swallowed thickly, my throat positively burning with a fresh round of unshed tears.
A muffled, rather loud voice sounded from outside.
Doctor Mercy shot a frown towards the closed office door.
My mind was reeling.
The accident.
The dreaded C.
My Toddler.
My six week old Babies.
My Fiancé.
A rapid knock sounded on the closed office door.
"I'm sorry."
Doctor Mercy apologised to Me and pushed out of her chair.
She speed walked around the desk despite her heels and over to the door, opening it part way.
"I'm in a private consult!"
She hissed, scolding whoever had knocked.
"I'm sorry. The Hospital is in a search for this lady."
A few silent seconds ticked by.
Hot tears burned my eyes.
This was not fair.
This fucking wasn't fair!
"Bailey?"
Doctor Mercy called for Me.
Sucking in a shaky breath, I twisted around in my seat.
Doctor Mercy walked over to where I was seated and showed Me an illuminated phone screen.
"Do you know why somebody would be looking for you?"
She asked quietly, her tender expression coloured with concern.
My face was indeed on the screen.
Someone's looking for Me?
Who-?
I looked to the top of the phone screen and saw that the time read 1:16PM.
I felt my eyes just about pop out of my head.
I'd told Blayze I was going to the toilet over two hours ago!
"Can I borrow this phone to make a call?"
I asked Doctor Mercy, lifting my gaze to look at her face.
"Charles can my client borrow the phone to make a call?"
Doctor Mercy asked, turning back towards the door.
"Sure."
A masculine voice replied.
With slightly shaking fingers, I stumbled my way through the Samosung's layout, finally finding the keypad so I could call a new number.
As the call connected, I put the phone up to my ear.
Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring-
"Hullo?"
A piercing stab hit my heart, just from hearing his voice say the one word.
His voice...
What if I was limited for how long I could hear it for?
A storm of hot tear's pricked st my eyes.
"Hello?"
Blayze repeated, sounding frustrated.
"Hey it- it's Me."
I croaked, lifting my free hand to wipe at my tears.
"Bailey?!"
Blayze sounded like he wasn't quite sure he could believe his ears.
"Yeah."
I agreed, sinking back into the chair I was sitting in.
"Where the hell are you?!"
I looked up to Doctor Mercy's face.
If I told him I was with a Doctor, he'd ask questions.
If I told him where exactly in the Hospital I currently was, he would freak the hell out.
I slid myself to the edge of the chair, my body feeling like a block of wet cement.
My body didn't want to move, but I had to.
I have to go back to Blayze.
To my Kid's.
A whole new round of tear's burned my throat.
My favourite, most precious People...
"I'm c-coming b-back n-now."
I croaked, my voice struggling to work.
I stood on wobbly legs, my knees trembling and my heart pounding.
"Where are you? I'll come get you."
It pierced at my heart to know how much he cared and I'd evidently worried him.
"J-just wait at P-Peyton's room I-I'll be there s-soon."
I told him.
"Bailey please tell Me where the fuck You are?"
I couldn't see his face, but the strained tone of his voice had me betting he was pacing the floor and had his free hand tangled in his hair, every ridge of muscle in his body tense.
"I'm coming now."
I promised, my voice thankfully somehow only slightly trembling.
Doctor Mercy offered Me an encouraging smile.
"Bye."
I whispered into the phone.
I pulled the phone from my ear, tear's rolling down my face as I tapped the red 'end' button.
"I'll get the receptionists to call you tomorrow about an appointment."
Doctor Mercy told Me, her voice gentle as she carefully took the phone from my shaking left hand.
Her gaze locked on the glinting ring on my finger and their green depths filled with sorrow as she lifted her gaze back to my face.
How the fuck am I going to tell Blayze about this?
With my heart aching to the point that I for sure thought it was breaking, I stepped out of the office, the man waiting outside stepping aside to let Me through.
I barely even registered that he was wearing a security shirt.
Now to find my Fiancé...
And hug my Babies...
My throat felt like it was breaking down due to how bitter the burning sensation was.
Tear's clouded my vision as I walked down the corridor.
How the fuck was I even going to do this?
I'm nineteen years old!
My Son's are fourteen months old and six weeks old!
Blayze and I are set to get married in May!
The tears began to roll hot and freely down my cheeks.
I'd hoped beyond hope that by the time I made it back to Peyton's Ward I'd have some semblance of control over my emotions.
But every new thought that entered my mind had me crying harder.
Luka.
Brodie and Dale.
Blayze.
Phoenix.
Zuke.
My Mum.
Just thinking of each of them had my heart breaking and my soul bawling its eyes out.
I stopped in front of the final double doors that I had to pass through and sucked in a slow, shaky breath.
Get it together Bailey.
Hug Blayze.
Hug Luka.
Hug Brodie and Dale.
Go home and hug Mum, Phoenix and Zuke.
I lifted my hands and wiped under and around my eyes.
Luka's probably awake by now.
I can't show him that I'm an emotional mess.
Or Blayze.
I've already worried him enough.
My thoughts took Me back to the conversation I'd heard between Emma and 'Hunter' and I shuddered.
Two set's of bad news to fill Blayze in on...
"Excuse me?"
Somebody touched my shoulder and I squealed in surprise, spinning around to face a young man wearing blue scrubs.
He looked to be maybe my age, at most a year or two older.
He couldn't be a Doctor yet, but he was probably in medical school.
The guy's brown eyebrows scrunched together.
"You realise the whole Hospital is looking for you, right?"
He asked, brandishing his phone.
It had the same picture on it that I'd seen before.
This guy was looking at Me as though he wasn't sure if I was mentally all there.
I felt a blush warm my cheeks and dropped my gaze to the shiny but worn floor.
"Yeah, I'm going back now. I just... got lost."
It was embarrassing to pretend I'd been lost.
It would be worse to admit I'd had a mental break down and wandered around aimlessly.
The young Doctor guy nodded.
"Okay. Good."
He smiled.
"Good luck!"
He wished.
I raised a questioning eyebrow.
Has he met the no doubt furious Blayze among all this?
"Doctor Legend said there's this hell built dude who's about to punch through the walks if somebody doesn't find you!"
I almost laughed.
Almost.
But I couldn't manage it.
I managed a smile though and lifted my left hand to show him my ring.
"Yeah. That'd be my Fiancé."
"I'll leave ya to it then."
Doctor Student guy wished and turned on his heel to go the other way.
Sucking in a deep breath, my eyes feeling as rough as sand paper, I turned around as well and carefully pushed the door open.
Time to face Blayze.
I didn't have to look hard.
Doctor Legend appeared to be having an intense conversation with the ladies behind the Ward's desk.
Blayze was pacing the shiny floor, his phone clamped to his right ear and his derrière looking mouthwatering in his Bullzye jeans
Biting into my lower lip, I made my way forward.
"No, I don't need you to come here Jax!"
Blayze stated.
"There's nothin' you could do that I haven't already. And besides, I'm scarier than you anyway."
Blayze went quiet as he apparently listened to Jax's reply.
"And I already told you, I've spoken to her and she's on her way ba-"
He turned around, ready to walk back.
As I took in his hair that was even more disheveled than usual, his handsome but pinched with worry tanned face, his wide shoulders and the bands of muscle that made his arms so toned, my heart clenched painfully.
What if I didn't get to grow old seeing his beautiful face?
"Gotta go."
Blayze told Jax and pulled his phone from his ear, apparently not waiting for a response from his cousin.
"Hey Cowboy."
I whispered, taking a slow and careful step forward.
He pocketed his phone and quickly closed the space between us within a mere couple of steps, immediately reaching for Me.
My heart squeezed painfully as his hands gently cupped my face, his gaze searching mine.
"What the hell happened?"
He whispered, his eyes swooping over every inch of my face.
I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat closed up.
"I-"
I tried again, but couldn't get any further.
I hated lying to Blayze.
I wasn't good and it and I always struggled to.
But now was not the time to tell him about my recent discussion with Doctor Mercy.
I also had questions for him.
Or rather questions he needed to ask Emma.
Not that I wanted him being anywhere near her.
But she holds the answers.
I always knew she was trouble.
Blayze frowned at Me, his face filled with concern.
My heart squeezed painfully.
My throat burned.
Tear's welled in the back's of my eyes.
There was a lot to discuss and the emotions were bound to fly when we did, but right now I just wanted to hold him.
And I wanted him to hold Me.
I was desperate for him to hold Me.
"I f-freaked out."
My lower lip began to tremble and I bit into it, hoping to stop it.
"I th-thought I was c-coping, but..."
He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled me in against his body, wrapping his arms around my back.
I buried my face against his chest, my heart practically strangling Me from the inside out.
I opened my eyes wide, attempting to hold the flood back, but I didn't entirely succeed.
I could feel the warm tears rolling down my cheeks regardless and eventually soaking into Blayze's shirt.
Biting into my lower lip, I slipped my arms around his back and hugged him tight.
"You didn't take your phone... You scared the fucking shit outta Me!"
He whispered, tucking his chin on top of my head.
I don't deserve this guy...
I squeezed my eyes shut as even more tears flowed.
Somebody clearing their throat made Me step back, sniffling against my tear's and the watery snot that was running out of my nose.
Blayze didn't let me go far though, sliding his right arm around my shoulders and bringing Me into his side.
My heart practically galloped inside my chest, like the horses thundering across the paddocks in a rare Summer rain.
Doctor Legend stood before us and wordlessly offered Me a few tissues.
Well, tissues would certainly be better than the other idea I'd had, which was attempting to subtly wipe my nose on Blayze's shirt sleeve...
"Thanks!"
I croaked, accepting the handful.
Doctor Legend's expression gave little away.
"Good to see you're okay Bailey."
He murmured.
I wasn't sure what to say, so just nodded before I lifted the tissues to wipe at my eyes and then my nose.
What exactly does Doctor Legend know?
Has he spoken to Doctor Mercy?
Do Doctor's talk among each other about patients?
"Well we should probably go and rescue Heath from these kids."
Blayze suggested.
Crap!
Luka, Brodie and Dale!
I felt my eyes widen.
Neither Blayze or I are with them!
"Thanks for your help Nate."
Blayze added.
Doctor Legend shot him a smile.
"I didn't do much."
Blayze shrugged.
"Without you I probably would've resorted to punching those Security blokes to make 'em listen."
I looked up at Blayze, my eyes wide.
Security?!
He'd involved Security?!
"I'll let you guys get back to your Kid's."
Doctor Legend stated, taking a step backwards.
I needed to know if he knew what Doctor Mercy did.
"You go rescue Heath."
I told Blayze, giving his side a gentle nudge.
"I'll be in in a sec."
He eyed Me, as if trying to figure Me out.
"I just need to ask Doctor Legend something."
I whispered, shooting the Doctor in question a quick glance.
Doctor Legend raised his eyebrows at Me.
"Fine."
Blayze relented.
He slipped his arm off my shoulders and I immediately felt cold.
I shouldn't be letting him leave my side yet...
"Take this."
Confused, I turned to face Blayze.
He slipped his phone out of his pocket and held it out to Me.
He doesn't trust that I won't take off again?
I didn't on purposely disappear for so long!
Blayze's expression said he wouldn't take no for an answer.
With a sigh, I took the phone from him.
He nodded and turned on his heel to head for the room that I could already see from here.
The door was closed.
Hopefully Luka, Brodie and Dale were behaving for Heath!
As Riverston's township began to disappear behind us, yet more tear's sprung to my eyes.
Everything seemed to make me cry this afternoon, although I was trying extremely hard to not let it be seen that I was doing so.
Thank god I was currently wearing a pair of sunglasses, though Blayze could probably see the tears rolling down my cheeks if and when he looked over.
I'd been quiet on our way home, even though there was so much that I was desperate to say.
I wasn't hungry enough to eat more than a few bites of a sandwich while Blayze and Luka ate their lunch.
The sun cast a bright glow across the vast paddocks of fellow Farmers' land and yet more tear's sprung to my eyes.
It was pathetic really.
I'd been told I had to start treatment, not that I would die tomorrow.
The accident could have killed Me, but it didn't.
Unfortunately I was weak enough that six weeks on I was just starting to get over it.
And then I'd listened in on Emma and Hunter's conversation.
Could you really call it a conversation?
There was a lot of pleading on her part and a hell of a lot of yelling and frustration on his.
A familiar song's chords reached my ear's and I felt the warm tears just roll on down my cheeks.
I guess we don't quite understand down here
What makes Him do the things He does
Why some people go so soon
While some grow old
I've learned we're just a step away
And tomorrow might be kind of tough
Nothings promised in this life
All you can do is believe.
I reached forward to press the button on the stereo to skip the song, breathing in a shaky breath as an upbeat country tune of one of Garth Brooks' songs took over.
"You okay?"
Blayze questioned, shooting Me a sideways glance.
"Yep."
I croaked, sinking back into my seat and wrapping my arms around my torso.
Get it the hell together Bailey!
I scolded myself.
You still have to tell Blayze.
And Mum...
I closed my eyes and tried to suck in a deep breath, begging the skies above for some answers.
The tyres rumbled as we crossed over the cattle grid and I released a shuddering breath that I'd not even realised I'd been holding onto.
Home.
We're home.
The notion of being home made even more tears well up in my soul.
The Farm.
The home I've so many times taken for granted.
My family was already struggling with drought.
Now this?
I swallowed, my throat feeling far too thick for comfort.
Could the world be any more unfair?
I sat on the lounge room floor, the Twins in their bassinet's watching and Luka sitting across from Me, a grin lighting up his perfect little face.
"One block."
I counted, setting one of the coloured plastic block's onto the floor between Luka and I.
I grabbed another and set it on top of the first.
"Two blocks."
I set another three on, counting up to five, not wanting to bombard Luka with too many numbers too soon.
I smiled at Luka who was watching Me expectantly, his blue eyes bright.
"Smash!"
I declared, throwing my hands into the air.
Luka giggled and rose onto his knees, then swung his hands to hit the top of the tower we'd made.
The plastic blocks crumbled to the floor in a cascading rainbow and Luka roared with delighted laughter, his blue eyes shining.
I looked from Luka to the Twin's and although I could feel my face pulling into a smile, from the pure joy of this innocent moment, my heart hurt with an almost unbearable pain.
What if I don't get to see these perfect people grow up?
What if they have to grow up without their Mummy?
They're far too small for that...
Or would it just mean they wouldn't remember Me and therefore they'd get over it quicker?
"Mummy!"
I blinked at Luka.
Our Son was still poised on his knees, but he was staring at Me with wide eyes, his expression worried.
"What's up Baby?"
I croaked, cringing at the weakened sound of my voice.
Luka pushed himself onto his feet and within a few steps he closed the space between us.
He gently put his arms around my neck and embraced Me in a hug.
"Sad."
Luka whispered.
Sad...
Yeah I'm sad.
But I'm also terrified.
I don't want to go yet.
I'm not ready to.
The idea of disappearing from this world terrified the hell out of Me.
My Grandparents insisted there was a place called Heaven, but I wasn't so sure.
I dreaded to think of the pain it would put my Mum in.
It clawed at my heart to think of Luka, Brodie and Dale growing up and moving on from the fact they no longer had their Mummy.
It was like somebody shot a bullet to my heart just thinking of Blayze being alone.
Maybe even worse was the thought of him finding somebody to replace Me with, even though that was incredibly selfish of Me.
"M-Mummy's o-okay."
I squeaked, wrapping my arms around Luka's slim body.
Mummy wasn't okay.
But I had to be strong for my Babies.
They needed love and attention.
These moments could no longer be taken for granted.
Luka's learning couldn't be.
"You guys ready for Dinner?"
It was like a bucket of cold water was thrown over the top of my head.
Dinner.
My stomach positively churned at just the thought of putting food into my mouth.
It just felt like food was no longer important.
There was so much more that I had to do.
"Bailey?"
"Daddy!"
Luka crowed.
My eldest Son pulled away from Me, a grin splitting his handsome little face.
I cleared my throat and used my hands to wipe my cheeks, trying to hide the fact that I'd once again been crying.
"Yep. Let's get Dinner done."
I agreed, shifting onto my knees.
It was dinner time, then time to bathe all three Boy's and put them to bed.
"Mon Mummy!"
Luka urged, using his hands to urge Me on.
"Yeah! C'mon Mummy!"
Blayze teased, his blue-green eyes dancing.
I offered him a smile even though I could feel my eyes still clouded with tears.
"What about Brodie and Dale?"
I asked Luka, attempting to distract myself from my aching, crying heart.
Luka glanced down to where the Twin's were resting in their bassinets.
"Mon BoddyDale!"
He urged, clapping his hands.
I couldn't help but laugh, even though a few tears splashed onto my cheeks.
At this point in time I couldn't distinguish if they were happy tear's or sad ones.
"Brodie and Dale can come sit near the table, but you can sit at the table."
Blayze informed Luka, making his way around the coffee table.
"Let's go have Dinner."
I told Luka, climbing to my feet.
I grabbed Brodie's bassinet and Blayze grabbed Dale's, while Luka ran over to our dining table.
Even the notion of Blayze and I's easy teamwork made my throat burn uncomfortably.
"And the little Cowboy drifted off to sleep in front of the family fireplace, with his Mum and Dad cuddling on the couch and his little Brother and Sister asleep on the floor."
I narrated, following the words of the story as they flowed across the page.
Swallowing thickly, I closed the now finished book and turned my gaze to Luka's cot.
He lay peacefully sound asleep, his mouth slightly open as he breathed deeply.
My eyes pricked with a storm of tears.
I reached slowly and carefully over the edge of the cot, brushing my fingers against my eldest Son's smooth cheek.
He was perfection inside and out.
He was sweet and caring, even though he was just fourteen months old.
He was so smart, learning new things every day.
He seemed to grow by the day too, his clothes quite visibly getting smaller and smaller.
At least we could keep them for Brodie and Dale, because he hardly seemed to wear them out.
A few tears splashed onto my cheeks at just the mere thought of my time watching Luka grow being limited.
I leaned over the rim of his cot to plant a gentle kiss on his forehead.
"I love you my Little Cowboy."
I reminded him, even though he was dead to the world so I knew I wouldn't be getting an answer.
Closing my eyes, I sucked in a deep breath and tried to imprint Luka's perfect sleeping face into my mind.
Biting into my lower lip, I turned on my heel and made my way out of the room.
Time to check on Brodie and Dale...
Then face Blayze.
I brushed my fingers across first Brodie's cheek and then Dale's.
The two of them were sleeping soundly, hopefully dreaming big.
It was a literal punch to my heart to think there was the possibility I wouldn't even see these two reach Luka's age.
The big, dreaded C...
Maybe I'd see the kid's grow until Luka hit the double digits.
Maybe I wouldn't even see out the Twins' first Christmas.
A flood of hot, burning tear's filled my eyes, making my vision go blurry.
"I l-love you B-Brodie Isaiah and D-Dale L-Lukas."
I choked, clutching the side of their cot so tightly that my knuckles began to hurt.
"Bail's...?"
My heart clenched painfully.
My throat quite literally burned.
I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep, shaking breath.
"Are you okay...?"
Nope.
I'm most definitely not okay.
Finger by finger I forced myself to release my grip on the cot's side.
Time to talk to Blayze.
I can't put it off any longer.
My knees felt like jelly as I forced my body to turn around.
I lifted my hands and wiped them under my eyes as I took one struggling step after another towards the doorway.
Blayze frowned at Me, his expression concerned.
"Do you want a cuppa?"
He offered, his voice quiet.
A cuppa?
That was probably a good idea.
I hadn't eaten much all day.
I probably needed the sugar.
"Please."
I whispered, my voice barely working.
He worked his jaw, nodded and turned on his heel to head back down the hallway.
I took a moment to stand in the Twins' bedroom doorway and just suck in a deep, lightly shaking breath.
How the hell was I even supposed to talk to Blayze about this?
We'd gotten into such a fight about the mere situation of the Doctor taking a spot off my shoulder.
Now this...?
The clicking of Dog claws sounded on the floorboards, bringing Me out of my thoughts.
I blinked, Zuke's shadowed form coming into my view as he made his way down the hallway.
I sank down to my knees as my Dog drew nearer.
He wagged his tail at Me at half mast and my heart squeezed painfully.
I opened my arms to my first ever Dog of my own and he walked forward into my embrace, licking gently at my cheek as I wrapped my arms around his fluffy neck.
He sat in front of Me, nice and close and just let Me hold him while I tried to keep a grip on my emotions.
My heart felt like it was crumbling inside my chest.
This was just too fucking hard.
It wasn't fucking fair!
I'd found the love of my life.
We had three beautiful Son's.
I lived on a gorgeous 100,000 acres.
Blayze and I were supposed to be getting Married in May.
I wasn't supposed to have to start fighting with everything I've got, just to hopefully make my life go on a bit longer.
I wasn't supposed to have to think about what happen's to Blayze and our Son's if I'm no longer here.
It just fucking wasn't fair!
"Your Tea's ready!"
The cold water dumped over my body feeling came once again.
Tea.
My warm drink.
Blayze was waiting down there.
"Good Boy Zukey."
I whispered, planting a kiss on his silky black head.
My Dog wagged his tail against the floorboards.
I placed my hands onto the corridor's floorboards and climbed to my feet.
I still had no clue at all as to how I was going to broach this subject with Blayze, but I knew I had to.
It wasn't fair to keep him in the dark any longer.
He had to know.
We had decisions to make.
Although at this point in time, all I wanted to do was hold him and cry.
It just was not fair!
The lamp's were on in the lounge room, lighting the room in a soft glow.
The TV was off.
It almost felt romantic.
But a huge weight was hanging over my shoulders.
Azlan and Zuke were laying on the Dog bed, their eyes trained on Blayze and I.
Zeus was curled up in the Doggy Armchair, snoring softly.
"You doin' Okay?"
I turned my watery gaze to Blayze's face.
If he knew what I knew, he wouldn't be asking that question.
As far as He knows, I had a Post Natal Depression breakdown.
I had to tell him something to explain my messed up state when I'd returned to him at the Hospital.
And how long I'd been gone.
We were both sat on the lounge, me slightly on the edge and mostly facing him.
He lifted his right hand and gently pushed my fringe back from my face, his fingers brushing against my skin.
I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the contact.
What if my days were limited on how many more times I could enjoy this?
"I'm sorry that going back to the Hospital was too much."
Blayze all but whispered.
I forced my eyes open to look at his face.
"In these last couple weeks you've been doin' so well..."
Blayze closed his own eyes and shook his head, his hand now gently cupping the side of my face.
"I hate to admit that I honestly had no idea you were still struggling so bad."
His voice was little more than a whisper.
A thousand hot tears bombarded my eyes, the prickling sensation almost painful.
My throat positively burned.
None of this is his fault.
I can't let him even think that it is.
I clenched my right hand into a fist and lifted my left hand to place it over his, keeping his hand against my cheek.
"I n-need to t-talk to y-you."
I informed him, my voice struggling to work properly.
"Talk."
He urged, gently brushing his thumb across my cheek.
"I'm all ears."
My heart positively pounded inside my chest.
It felt like a caged animal that wanted out.
I felt like a caged animal that wanted out.
This isn't my life.
I was looking in on somebody else's story and I had to get out and go back to my own life.
"A-another D-Doctor f-found Me today."
I managed, my tongue feeling like concrete.
I didn't want to say the words.
It would make it all the more real.
But he has to know.
"A D-Doctor I've s-seen before."
I wanted to look away.
But my eyes wouldn't leave Blayze's face, while I waited to see if he connected the dots.
He didn't look angry yet and he didn't look suspicious.
He had no clue what was coming.
My heart squeezed painfully.
"The D-Doctor that t-took that s-spot off my sh-shoulder..."
Now I closed my eyes, cringing.
Silence answered Me.
Blayze wasn't going to make a guess.
I forced my eyes open to once again look at his face.
"I m-missed an a-appointment when..."
I swallowed hard.
We both knew when.
My lower lip trembling, I forced my watery gaze back up to Blayze's face.
"She s-said it's b-bad!"
I struggled to speak, my eyes flooding with tears and my vision growing blurry.
Blayze's hand was the only part of him that had contact with Me, but even from that I felt him freeze.
I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Yes, throughout the day I'd had tears leak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, but I hadn't yet allowed myself to just all out bawl.
I'd known I had to keep things together until I could talk to Blayze.
I'd had to keep things together for Luka, Brodie and Dale.
But now all three Kid's were soundly sleeping.
Blayze had now heard the words.
The floodgates opened and my heart cried her guts out.
It was as though the rain that we were waiting on from the heavens to break the drought, was pouring out through my soul and my eyes.
I registered Blayze's arm's going around my shoulders and my back, while the distraught sobs shook my body.
I clutched at the soft fabric of his shirt and cried into his chest, my heart aching painfully.
My eyes were literally burning from the saltiness of the tear's I'd poured out.
My heart was pounding and my breaths were shaky.
The house was far too quiet, with no television on as background noise and Blayze remaining silent.
I used the backs of my hands to wipe at my cheeks, feeling completely and utterly exhausted.
I just wanted to go to sleep.
Or at least try to sleep.
It felt like my body needed it.
But that wasn't likely to happen yet.
Another part of Me didn't want to sleep.
I didn't want to miss anything else in my life!
Blayze and I have to talk.
He just apparently hadn't worked out what questions he wanted to ask yet.
Blayze appeared to just be staring off into space.
It was like he didn't even notice that I was now sitting up on my own instead of clutching at him like he was my personal life boat.
"The H-Hospital is g-going to c-call Me t-tomorrow with d-details for a-an appointment f-for Monday."
I explained, my voice wobbling, lacing my hands together in my lap.
Blayze's gaze snapped to meet mine.
"Monday?"
He whispered, his voice barely working.
Biting into my trembling lower lip, I nodded.
I'd thought I was all cried out, but my eyes filled with yet another onslaught of hot tears.
"But sh-she said ch-chemo will p-probably be the s-starting point."
I fought to get the dreaded words out.
Blayze squeezed his eyes shut and lifted his hands to rub them over his face.
I didn't want to push him to voice his thoughts.
I was completely terrified about how he would react once the initial shock wore off.
He'd lost his sister to the dreaded C.
Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy and being young and fit didn't save her.
"I d-don't kn-know what's gonna h-"
I hiccuped and wiped at my cheeks.
"-appen."
I just had to pray that the situation wasn't as dire as say 'hey lady, you've got a month to live'.
I'd never be able to say goodbye to my life in that amount of time.
My Babies...
Blayze...
My family...
My Fur Babies...
My friends...
"What's gonna happen is that we're gonna work it out."
Blayze gently drew Me into another hug.
I tucked my face into his neck, enjoying just being able to breathe in his familiar smell and have his arms wrapped around Me.
My Cowboy...
Always so strong and dependable.
Blayze ran a hand gently up and down my right arm, attempting to be soothing.
It set goose bumps off on my skin, but I bit my tongue to refrain from complaining.
At least he hadn't freaked out and stormed out on Me yet, to either run away with a racing mind, or punch something until his knuckles broke and began to bleed.
He was still willing to hold and comfort Me.
I had to take it while I could get it.
"And on Monday we'll go and tell these idiot Doctor's to sort their fucken shit out and fix this."
Blayze declared, his tone strangled.
If only it really was that simple...
Blayze
Bailey was asleep, breathing softly just a foot or so away from Me.
I didn't see myself sleeping tonight.
Bailey was probably only sleeping because she was flat out exhausted.
She'd cried nearly her entire body's water mass in tears just tonight.
She was terrified.
I couldn't blame her.
I was fucking shitting my pants.
I wanted to get angry, punch, kick and break things, but Bailey needed Me to be supportive.
My body was rigid, all my nerves wired tight.
I wanted to punch something, but I'd stayed close by Bailey's side which meant I hadn't had the chance to let my fists fly in an attempt to let off some steam.
Why did the world have to be so fucking cruel?!
She's nineteen fucking years old!
We have three Son's!
I can't fucking loose her!
I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists tight.
If I didn't let some of my rage out at some point, I'd probably wind up exploding at the least preferred time.
Like in the Hospital when the Doctor's would start talking about treatment.
I breathed deeply, focusing my gaze on the slightly shadowed version of Bailey's face.
Bailey Grace Harley...
So pure and innocent.
So perfect.
She was my Sun when the sky's were dark.
My calm when the world around Me was a storm.
Nine times out of ten, I could sleep when she was in this bed alongside Me.
I'd hardly slept when she was stuck in the Hospital.
Even when we'd taken turns on being out on the couch when she and the Twin's finally came home.
So many god damn wasted moments of being angry and selfish!
It scared the complete and utter shit out of Me to even consider comprehending a life where she ceased to exist in it anymore.
The mere thought had a whole new torrent of rage burning in my veins.
I didn't want to waste another second of my life not looking st her fucking beautiful face, but I had to get out of this bed and get some air.
My chest was closing in on Me.
My breath's were no longer working properly.
It felt like I was trying to move a mountain, just attempting to push my body away from her's and out of the bed.
Finally on my feet, I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from our bed.
My chest literally burned.
I'd heard this story before.
Cancer.
We'll treat it, it will be fine.
That wasn't always the case.
My Sister was evidence of that.
I wouldn't loose Bailey.
Not like I'd lost Madison.
I just couldn't fucking do it.
I pulled the front door aside and all but stumbled out onto our porch.
A Dog's nails clicked on the wood.
I twisted around to find that Azlan had followed Me out.
My Kelpie.
I'd found him on the side of the road, in a hessian bag, the only one out of four Pup's still alive.
He'd barely been alive, but he'd been breathing and he was able to lick at my finger so that was all the encouragement my eighteen year old self had needed to take him home.
Within a few days he'd been stumbling around on his feet.
Since then, he didn't leave my side if he had a choice in it.
I'd woken him up, but he was still here, willing to follow Me wherever.
I leaned down to give his head a rub.
"You're gonna have to bear with Me for a little while Az."
I whispered.
My Dog looked up at Me, wagged his tail at half mast and whined.
That was Azlan for 'I got your back mate'.
I straightened, turned on my heel and walked down the porch steps.
Too much was flooding my mind.
Bailey's life was hanging in the balance.
I couldn't fucking loose her.
We have three kids, fourteen and one month old.
I can't fucking raise three Kid's on my own!
I don't fucking want to!
I lifted my hands and raked them into my hair.
If Bailey has to start chemo, she'll get sick.
She won't enjoy her time.
We're supposed to get married in just over three fucking months!
I swung around to face the nearest Gum Tree, full of fury and only just managed to stop myself from swinging a punch at the tree.
I squeezed my eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath.
I can't let myself loose my shit yet.
Not until we have more answers.
All I have so far is a distraught and terrified Bailey and the fact that she has to go back Monday.
I'm gonna rip Nate a fucking new one!
He's seen her plenty of times within the last couple of years!
He should've noticed something by now!
I once again raked my fingers into my hair and just about pulled the lengths out from their roots.
This is bullshit.
Complete and utter fucking bullshit!
From somewhere behind Me, Azlan gave a low whine.
I sucked in a shuddering breath and dropped to my knees on the dirt floor, littered with dead leaves.
😩😱😭 who wants to kill me?!
I'm the one thinking up what's happening and typing away and my heart is hurting!! I feel for them so badly! 😩😭
Vote and comment 😍🤗