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Sunday the fourteenth of January marked one week of me being awake in Hospital.
It also marked ten days since the dreaded accident.
And the birth of the Twins whom I could now acknowledge are alive.
It even marks five days of my apparent daily Psychology sessions.
It was on Doctor Legend's orders.
Apparently my moods were no longer considered 'normal' and they wanted a Shrink to try to get inside my head and figure out what was going on.
What worried even Me, was that I had little interest in my Twin Son's that were some two levels down, still in the Hospital also.
"Some days will be easier than other's."
Doctor Felicity Parker told me, not for the first time.
I just blinked at her.
Some days I could pour my heart out and let her know how much it hurt.
Other days I couldn't make words come out.
It was a kick in the guts that she'd officially determined me to be Depressed.
Apparently one of the strongest symptoms was that I more or less just had no interest in anything and I just wanted to be left alone and in a dark room.
The Twins were ten days old and I'd seen them once.
I hadn't held them, because I'd used the excuse of my stomach being sore, from where I'd been cut into to save both their lives and mine a week and a half ago.
"I'm told you officially named the Babies and signed their Birth Certificate's."
Doctor Parker stated, setting her pen and notepad down onto the table.
We had the first meeting, on Wednesday, in my Hospital Room, but after that Doctor Parker had refused, saying like it or lump it, I had to get out of that room at least once a day.
Today we were sitting in a thankfully empty Patient Lounge, me on one armchair and Doctor Parker sitting on one that she'd dragged around to face Me.
Brodie Isaiah and Dale Lukas.
They were the names Blayze and I had discussed throughout the Pregnancy and we both still liked them, so that's what we signed on.
I didn't understand why the Woman thought it was such a big deal.
It wasn't like it was that hard to hold a pen and write my signature.
"Yes."
I whispered, knowing Doctor Parker was expecting an answer from Me this time.
Every chance she got, she tried to make me talk about the Twins.
Sometimes I just didn't want to.
"And how did that make you feel?"
She questioned, her gaze unwavering from my face.
Feel?
Who is she kidding?
Lately I don't feel anything besides heartache, even though I know that the Twins are alive and so am I.
Blayze and Uncle Lukas crack jokes and I can't even smile.
It just doesn't work.
It's like my ear's hear the funny joke or remark, yet the message doesn't seem to get passed onto my brain like it used to.
Doctor Parker uncrossed her skirt and stocking clad legs, like she was preparing to stand.
Good, the session is over.
"Let's go on an excursion."
Doctor Parker suggested, her face a carefully blank mask.
Let's not.
I bit my tongue.
I'm nineteen years old, not nine.
I wouldn't be excused to speaking out like a Brat.
Despite her bright red hair and dancing hazel eyes, Doctor Parker was actually quite difficult to refuse.
She had an aura about her that seemed to scream you shall do as I say.
"Where to?"
I asked bracingly.
For somebody who's supposed to understand that I'm apparently clinically in 'depressive' mode, she sure seems to like trying to push me into doing things.
"To check on Brodie and Dale."
Doctor Parker declared.
Brodie and Dale...
My heart just didn't even seem to register that she'd mentioned my Son's names.
Deep down, I know that I'm their Mother and I'm meant to be there for them.
It's just like I'm a stranger in my own body.
Some small part of me wants to go to them, but a larger part refuses.
"Come on."
Doctor Parker insisted.
I sucked in a deep breath.
It's now six days since I've seen the Twins in person.
Daily either Blayze, Mum or Uncle Lukas will show me at least one photo.
"Okay."
I whispered.
I might as well try.
Blayze
"So how do we get her to snap out of it?"
I asked, more than frustrated.
Postnatal Depression.
I'd tried to research it, but a bloke like me struggles to understand how somebody can just fall into such a slump.
Especially somebody as loving and big hearted as Bailey Harley.
Nate shook his head.
"There's no definite answer."
Just what I wanted to hear.
Not.
"You've just gotta be there for her."
Nate reasoned.
"We've cottoned in early, so hopefully that means we can help her out of it sooner."
"But how do we do it?"
I insisted.
A quick fix is the good fix, right?
"As I said before, there's no definite answer."
Nate shrugged.
"She's having daily Psychology sessions and at the moment Felicity said the past four sessions have been equally positive as they have negative."
"So she's not making progress then?"
I asked.
We need her to make progress so she can come home and we can all just get back to normal!
"Any signs of positivity are good in the case of Depression."
Nate insisted.
"Felicity is a highly renowned Psychologist, but even she might not get to the bottom of why this has happened to Bailey. It could be because of the accident... It could be because the Twins were born early thanks to the accident and even more so by cesarean."
He shrugged.
I frowned.
"But don't many Women have cesarean's?"
"Yes."
Nate agreed.
"But sometimes it's viewed as the cheats way of having your Baby."
That made no sense to Me.
Wasn't the important part that the babies arrived healthy?
"So Bailey thinks she failed Brodie and Dale?"
I asked the Doctor, frowning.
Why the hell would she think that?
They're fine!
And if they didn't come out by cesarean then all three of them could have died!
Nate shook his head.
"I did not say that."
Then what is he saying?
"I'm just saying that it's a psychological illness, Blayze. There's not necessarily going to be an answer that is going to make any sense or make anybody feel satisfied."
Well wasn't that encouraging.
I looked down at my arm when Nate reached out to place his hand on my forearm.
"Just keep treating her the way she expects you to, Blayze."
He advised.
"Sooner or later she'll bounce back."
It was becoming hard for me to 'act like she was the same old Bailey'.
I was set to Marry her this year, yet in the last week I could barely even recognise her.
She wouldn't smile.
She certainly wouldn't laugh.
She barely asked after Luka and she'd only seen Brodie and Dale once.
Hell, she barely even asked about Phoenix or Zuke!
Heath wasn't shy to tell me that Zuke was a moping mess and Phoenix wasn't eating much other than a few mouthfuls of hay with his herd mates.
We all just need the real Bailey back.
And fast.
Bailey
For the second time, I sat in front of the see through cot that the Twins were laying in.
Once again, the Boys were asleep, holding hands.
It seemed to be their favourite position according to what everybody else was telling me.
"Tell Me..."
Doctor Parker urged.
"What are you thinking?"
Although I felt the urge to cry, through a tight throat and a burning feeling at the backs of my eyes, I couldn't feel any tears.
"I think... what's wrong with me?"
I croaked, my voice cracking.
There lay two Babies, safe and sound, sleeping peacefully and I don't even want to look at them, let alone touch them!
"What do you feel when you look in there at them?"
Doctor Parkway insisted, leaning down until she was basically at the same level as me, where I sat in the wheelchair.
I wasn't cleared for long distance walking yet.
It seemed I wasn't cleared for anything at the moment.
"Indifferent."
I muttered, my chest feeling hollow.
It felt like a lump the size of Uluru had developed in my throat.
"Like they're not even mine."
"That's my necessarily abnormal."
Scottie Parker reasoned.
"It's just that you haven't bonded with them yet."
Yeah.
I was unconscious when they were born.
They've been asleep the whole two times I've been here to see them.
They don't even know who their Mum is.
"Do you want to hold one of them?"
Doctor Parker suggested.
Hold one?
I swallowed thickly.
"No."
I tried to turn the wheelchairs wheels, so that I could leave.
"I want to go back."
"Okay."
Doctor Parker agreed.
"We'll head back."
I'd expected her to demand I stay, but I took the chance to leave and pushed the wheelchairs wheels towards the doors.
Visit number two with the Twins and it would be lucky if I'd even lasted five minutes.
And they didn't wake up again this time, to see that I was there.
Monday.
The days just seemed to be ticking by.
I picked up my phone and checked the lock screen.
It was barely midday and there was already a list of messages lined up on the iPhone's screen, like most days.
Personally, I didn't even care if the device wanted to go flat.
Blayze was the one who put it on charge once, if not twice per day.
I kept telling him he didn't need to bother, because I really couldn't care less if it went flat or not.
According to the time on the phone's screen, it was two hours since my later session with Doctor Parker and the latest session with Doctor Legend where he made me practice walking up and down the stupid corridor.
I hated how other Patients and their visitors would stare at Me as they'd pass me by or I'd pass their room.
Apparently I'd sat in the bed for at least an hour, staring at nothing in particular.
Today wasn't one of the better days.
My heart felt heavy and my head felt foggy.
The messages read:
BLAYZE: 10:46PM: Goodnight 💚💙💕.
BLAYZE: 5:34AM: Good Morning 💚💙😘.
HEATH: 6:06AM: Have a good day Chicken, will see you soon 🤗.
NOAH: 6:32AM: Hey Hunni 😀 Hope you have a good day, Love Codie, Noah and Knox 💙😍😘.
HAYLEY: 7:08AM: I love you and I hope you have a good day. We will see you soon 😍💕😘.
MUM: 9:02AM: Good Morning Baby. On my way 💕😘.
My heart felt heavy and my throat seemed to burn as I read over the messages without opening them.
I don't want to open them, because those with iPhones will know I've read them.
And I don't feel like replying.
It was so sweet of them all, to message me at least once a day, even though I never replied.
But I didn't want to reply.
It just felt like I had nothing to say.
I'm stuck in Hospital, with a sore stomach, barely the energy to walk more than fifty metres down the corridor, the same four walls staring at me and no connection with my Babies.
Knock, knock, knock.
I locked the phone, making sure the screen went black and I reached over to set it back onto the side table.
No need for anybody to see that I actually was reading the messages.
"Come in."
I told the closed door.
Mum and Blayze had apparently developed a new rule over the last few days.
They gave me one shot at accepting or denying their entry to the room, before they'd take a break if my answer was no and when they came back, they'd just let themselves in anyway.
The door eased open and Blayze came into my view.
Since Monday night he'd been going home to sleep and be with Luka, which I was thankful for.
Thanks to that, he looked at least a little bit rested now and even better, was once again clean shaven.
"Howdy."
Blayze greeted, slowly approaching the Hospital bed.
I swallowed thickly.
If I chose now to be mute, he'd go and drag Doctor Legend in to see me.
Doctor Legend would then tell me that I'd better start smiling, or I wouldn't be going home any time soon.
I pressed my lips together, then ran my tongue along them to give them some moisture.
"Hi."
I finally managed to force the one syllable, singular word out.
"How's your day been so far?"
Blayze questioned, placing his hands on the back of the nearest visitors chair.
"I had toast for breakfast, went to the toilet, had a shower and had yet another appointment with Doctor Parker."
I informed him.
"I didn't quite need the smartarsery, but I'm glad to hear it anyway."
He replied, with a light roll of his eyes.
I averted my gaze and stared towards the screen of the television that was turned off.
"Doctor Parker took me to the Nursery again."
She'd done it two days in a row now and I was beginning to shit myself that it was going to be a daily occurrence now.
Silence.
My heart began to beat too fast inside my chest.
My throat began to feel thick.
"And how'd that go?"
Blayze finally, quietly questioned.
How did it go?
I so badly didn't want to tell him that I'd bailed before even a whole five minute could pass, yet again.
That I still didn't touch either one of the tiny Babies.
The burning in my throat and the hot fire behind my eyeballs indicated that I should be crying, yet I didn't feel any of the liquid that was normally involved.
I clenched my hands into tight fists atop my leggings encased thighs.
"I'm so sick of not feeling!"
I ground out through tightly gritted teeth.
More silence answered me.
I wanted badly to scream out in frustration.
Why did Blayze Riley of all people not have a reply for me right now?!
"Let's go for a walk."
I snapped my head around to look at Blayze with wide eyes.
Apparently he did have a reply, but he was just giving me a few seconds to stew on my own words.
Like I wanted to think about how crappy I was feeling.
It's all I did while sitting in these stupid, bland, off white walls!
"I just told you I already had an appointment with Doctor Parker. Why the hell would I want to go anywhere again?!"
I demanded.
Blayze stepped around the visitors chair and towards the bed.
"C'mon."
He insisted, as though I hadn't even spoken.
"If your plan is to take me back to the Nursery then the answer is no!"
My traitorous voice cracked.
I didn't want him to see me being so useless towards ou Sons.
"We can go there if that's what ya want, but no, it's not where I had in mind."
Blayze denied.
He didn't want to make me form some kind of a connection with the Twins?
What the hell is this world coming to?!
"Now c'mon."
He jerked his thumb towards the door.
"In case you forgot, I'm not allowed to walk far."
I reminded him.
The Doctor's were making sure I got on my feet around three or four times a day, working on my strength, but I wasn't allowed to go far thanks to the incision that was in my abdominal region because of the cesarean and also the other site on my side, which was where they'd cut into me to stop the internal bleeding after the accident.
"Then we'll get the wheelchair again."
Blayze reasoned.
I blanched.
"Where exactly are you planning on taking Me?"
It was probably a bit much to hope he was planning on springing me from this damn place...
"Just get your arse outta that god damn bed before I come and do it myself!"
He insisted.
A big part of me knew that he's Blayze and he would do it.
But if he threw me over his shoulder, there was a good chance either my side or my abdomen would come into contact with some area of his solid body.
That would bloody cane.
Blayze took a step towards the bed.
"I'm getting up!"
I promised, scooting myself towards the opposite side of the bed, to maintain a bit of distance between us.
If I took too long, he might try to hurry me up!
"I'll go track down one of these wheelchairs and you start makin' your way out."
Blayze suggested.
I frowned.
"Why are you in such a hurry?"
He averted his gaze.
"I'm not."
Averting his eyes and his quick denial told me there was definitely something fishy going on.
"Are you meant to be working today, but snuck out?"
I asked, narrowing my eyes at him and folding my arms under my chest.
"What?"
He looked at me in bewilderment.
"You and the Twins are in Hospital. No, I'm not meant to be workin',"
He informed me, placing his hands on his no doubt wrangler jeans clad hips.
"Then what the hell are you acting so cagey about?"
I pressed.
"Let's just get a move on."
He turned on his heel to head for the door.
"I can walk to the reception area."
I informed him.
"Doctor Legend made me go further than that last night and this morning."
He turned around to face me, placing one large, tanned hand on the shiny silver door handle.
"Then let's go."
He insisted.
"Where's the bloody fire at?"
I grumbled, forcing my feet to go one in front of the other and take me towards the door.
And Blayze.
Finally we reached a Green themed section of the Hospital, instead of Blue.
Next we came across Yellow and I knew that the outside world wasn't too far away from us, thanks to other visits I'd had at the Hospital prior to this one, where I so far wasn't able to leave.
My mind craved seeing the blue sky, yet with every turn of the wheelchairs wheels, my chest seemed to grow tighter.
Time to distract myself...
"Are you springing me?"
I questioned, a spark of hope that quite surprised me, lighting up inside of Me, although I simultaneously felt absolutely terrified.
At the moment the Hospital was the safe place to be.
"You should know that I would if I could. But Nate said no and at this point in time, we have to trust that he knows what he's talking about."
Blayze answered from behind me, where he was pushing me along in the wheelchair.
What the hell?
"You asked him about springing Me from here?"
Doesn't that defeat the purpose if he gives the Doctor warning about the intention?
"I told him I think you'll get better quicker if you come home. He told Me that at this point in time he does not agree."
Blayze replied.
Right...
The tinted, electric sliding doors ahead of us opened up with a whirring sound and in flowed some human traffic.
An older woman and a pregnant lady maybe my Mum's age, talking.
An elderly couple moving slowly, a frame and a walking stick as their support.
Somebody who was dressed like a Nurse, wearing a pencil skirt and a light blue shirt tucked in, her black hair swept back into a bun and her nose in her phone.
A salt and pepper haired man in a suit and tie, his grey gaze flickering around the corridor, searching for who knows what.
It wasn't my business what he was looking for.
Blayze eased the wheelchair over to the side of the corridor, giving the elderly couple easier access.
The white haired lady looked up and offered him a smile.
"Thank you Son."
The grey haired man acknowledged, his elderly voice husky.
"Have a good day."
Blayze's voice wished.
I offered the couple a small smile and they wandered on past.
Blayze pushed the wheelchair and Me forward again and my heart seemed to lurch into a sprint.
A few mere feet and the outside world would be upon Me.
Probably a blue sky.
No doubt a hot wind...
But I wouldn't see the open paddocks I was used to.
I'd see a dark grey parking lot, probably lined with fancy looking cars with shiny windshields.
I swallowed thickly, my veins buzzing with electricity and my heart feeling tight.
I gripped the padded handles of the wheelchairs arms, my nails digging into the padding.
"Blayze Stop!"
It was a miracle my voice even worked.
Just three, maybe four feet away from the electric sliding doors and the outside world, Blayze stopped pushing the wheelchair.
My heart was pounding inside my chest, like the Working Horses galloping their way across our dry Summer paddocks.
My breaths felt a little too short.
My chest felt tight.
I closed my eyes and slowly counted down from ten.
Nine...
Eight...
Seven...
Six...
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two..:
One...
I released the breath I'd been holding onto, slowly.
Something warm and quite large landed gently over each of my lightly trembling knees.
Slowly, I peeled my eyes open to find that Blayze was in front of me, squatting down on his heels, his hands resting on each of my leggings encased knees.
Leggings were certainly a weird material.
They definitely didn't feel like pants to me, but the waistband was at least soft so it didn't irritate my various incision marks.
"Talk to Me."
Blayze all but whispered, his blue-green gaze focused intently on my no doubt pale face.
Panic Attack.
That's what Doctor Legend called these moments.
They'd only started since I'd been in Hospital.
I slipped my tongue across my lips to moisten them, then pressed my lips firmly together.
Somebody like Blayze Riley wouldn't understand a Panic Attack.
For him, life is what it is and you suck it up and push past the hard stuff.
"Panic Attack?"
I snapped my eyes up to look at Blayze's face, my eyes feeling like they were stretching.
"H-how d-do y-you...?"
I clenched my hands into fists that were so tight my nails bit into my palms.
It was so frustrating that now I couldn't even talk.
Blayze worked his jaw and it didn't take a genius to work out he knew I probably wasn't going to necessarily like what he had to say.
But he was Blayze and he'd tell me even if it did piss Me off.
"He's Nate and I'm Me, d'you seriously think I'd let him not tell Me what's goin' on?"
Blayze finally voiced, his volume rather quiet.
My heart squeezed.
Although some part of Me was rather thrilled at the fact he was still as stubborn as ever, there was another petulant part of Me that hated that he could make my Doctor of all people, spill private information.
Wasn't there such a thing as Doctor: Patient Confidentiality?
"Are you scared to go outside?"
I wanted to snap at Blayze to take me back to my Hospital Room, not necessarily because I wanted to go back there, but because there was a part of Me that wanted to let him know I was mad.
Then again, he's Blayze and I've confided in him since I was eight years old.
Swallowing thickly, I tried to find the courage to make some words come out of my month.
"Stupidly."
I whispered, dropping my head so I stared down at my lap.
Blayze slipped a couple of strong, slightly rough tipped fingers under my chin and propped my head up so that he could look into my eyes.
"It's not stupid so please don't beat yourself down any further by saying that."
He all but whispered.
"At this point in time you just can't exactly help how it feels and when it hits. But we can make it get better, with time..."
Time...
Better...
"What if I n-never get b-better?"
I hated how my voice wobbled.
But he was Blayze and I knew he wouldn't judge Me for it.
I have nightmares about the other car crashing into Me and my car going off the bridge.
I'm most of the time terrified to even leave my Hospital Room, even though Doctor Legend and Doctor Parker make Me do it regardless.
I can't touch or hold the Twins, even look at them for too long.
It's going for eleven days since I've seen Luka, Zuke or Phoenix.
My heart hurts.
Blayze lightly squeezed my legs, just above my knees.
"You will."
I averted my gaze, my eyes stinging.
"How do you know?"
"Because you're the strongest person I know and therefore I know you won't go down without one hell of a fight."
His words were sweet to an extent.
But they were wrong.
I'm not strong.
I look at Luka and I'm terrified of something bad happening to that precious little human that Blayze and I made.
I remember seeing the Weather reports and seeing sunny days for as far as the eye could see and feeling terrified Harley Crest would go under.
The Farm can't cope with so many months without rain.
I see Emma Lyons and I can envision losing Blayze.
I'm.
Not.
Strong.
A light, but reminding squeeze on my thighs and I blinked, refocusing on the fact that Blayze was actually still in front of Me.
"Say the word and I'll take you back up to the Hospital Room."
Blayze promised.
He wasn't going to push Me to suck it up and go just a few further feet, into the outside world.
But that went completely against the natural grain.
Blayze Rowan Riley has always pushed Me to do better and be stronger.
He's the reason that he thinks I'm strong.
Or at least some of the reason.
I come from a Family of people who don't quit just because things got tough or scary.
Look at Mum fighting off Paul!
I just need to Cowgirl Up.
A blue sky and the warm rays of a hot Summer sun might actually be just what the Doctor ordered.
"I wanna go outside."
I whispered.
"And see what it is you wanted to show me."
Blayze's blue-green eyes widened.
"Uhh what... do you mean?"
Bingo.
There is something.
Deep down, I'd known he wouldn't have just wanted to take Me for a walk for the hell of it.
Country people don't walk.
Or at least not beyond walking from the house to our car or to the pasture to fetch our Horse.
"Let's get on with it."
I told him.
He released a breath, slipped his hands off my knees and pushed himself into a standing position.
"Righto."
He muttered and went back around the back of the wheelchair.
Just as I'd predicted, the Summer sky was vast and blue.
Not even a white cloud was in sight, let alone a greatly needed grey one full of rain.
The parking lot was fairly full, the sunlight glinting off mostly clean windows, but Blayze guided the wheelchair and Me off to the left, following the pavement along the side of the Hospital's huge wall.
"Where are we going?"
I questioned, frowning as we walked away from most of the cars.
"Not too much further."
Blayze denied.
Because that definitely answers things...
Empty spaces in the parking lot became available.
In true busy form, people always fought to get parking spaces close to the doors.
A tree line was now in my view, along with what actually appeared to be some grass.
Then I spotted Blayze's Ute, the Twin to mine that I was fairly sure had gone to car heaven.
Behind Blayze's tray, the blue and white angle load Horse Float was hooked up.
My heart stuttered inside my chest.
A familiar bark sounded and an extra two echoed it.
Three familiar canine heads pooped out from behind the back of the Ute's cab.
Zuke, Azlan and Zeus.
"He's been missin' ya."
Blayze's voice said from behind Me.
"They all have."
Zuke made a sound like somebody was strangling him, but he was attempting to climb his way out of the tray even though he was chained in.
"Zuke stay!"
I commanded.
He'd damn well strangle himself if he got over the edge!
"Sit!"
Blayze commanded the three Dogs.
They whined, but obeyed.
I glanced towards the Horse Float.
"I know you didn't bring the Dogs in the float."
I informed Blayze.
"So Where is he?"
"Where's who?"
He asked, feigning ignorance.
"Phoenix."
I replied.
A high and joyous whinny filled the air and something inside of my heart ignited.
Phoenix.
But where the hell-?
The familiar, perfect Golden head appeared at the other side of the Ute.
"You've got Phoenix loose?!"
I demanded, attempting to twist around to look at Blayze.
My side and my stomach burned however and I grimaced, turning myself back around to face the front, panting an uncomfortable breath.
"He's in a portable yard."
Blayze replied.
Oh thank God...
My heart seemed to relax.
Phoenix trumpeted out a neigh, bobbing his head up and down.
Zuke and Azlan narked.
Zeus whined.
My heart squeezed, yet I wasn't entirely sure if it was in happiness or in sadness.
All the beautiful animals so dear to my heart...
"Do you want me to let Zuke down?"
I only now realised Blayze had stopped pushing Me.
The wheelchair and I were sitting maybe a dozen feet away from the jacked up four wheel drive Ute.
Looking at Blayze's car, flashes of that fateful Thursday unexpectedly bombarded my mind, playing like a move across the backs of my eyelids.
I squeezed my eyes shut, attempting to get the dreaded image out of my mind.
Phoenix...
Zuke...
Think of them Bailey!
I attempted to coach myself.
"G-get me Zuke. O-or Ph-Phoenix!"
I croaked, my chest feeling like it was closing in on Me.
Maybe they could get me back down on solid ground.
I heard Blayze's boot's on the solid ground, walking away from me and my hands began to shake.
My heart ached.
My throat burned.
I swallowed thickly.
Something wet pushed against my trembling left hand and an anxious whine reached my ear's.
I snapped my eyes open to find Zuke was standing in front of Me and the wheelchair, his caramel coloured eyes bright and glowing and his tail wagging in happiness.
Just looking at his pointed, still slightly too large for his actual bodies ears made me smile.
Zukey Baby...
Zuke thrust his nose under my hand and I gave his silky head a pat.
"I've sure missed you my bouncy ray of sunshine..."
I whispered, running my hand down his smooth black forehead and his nose.
Zuke wagged his tail harder in response to my voice.
Phoenix neighed impatiently.
I looked up from Zuke's adorable little face to see Phoenix throw his golden head skyward.
"I'd better see your Brother."
I informed Zuke.
"Before he busts out of that portable yard."
"It's not like he hasn't done it before."
Blayze agreed.
I almost smiled.
Almost.
"Except he didn't break anything."
I remembered.
"No."
Blayze agreed, placing his hands on his hips.
"Jumped the fence clear from a fucken stand still!"
I couldn't help but smile.
That was Phoenix for you.
For a Horse that was bred for Farm work, he sure had a decent jump scope on him when he wanted to use it!
"Get back Zukey."
I urged the Dog.
It wasn't fair to keep Phoenix waiting much longer.
We've supported each other since he was a wee Foal.
Zuke whined and wagged his tail, pushing his head further under my hand.
My heart squeezed.
Zuke didn't want to let Me go yet.
Fair is fair.
But Phoenix needs to see Me too.
"Back Zuke "
I insisted.
He sighed and took a couple of steps back.
Biting into my lower lip, I focused on setting my feet onto the rough ground of the parking lot.
"Bailey?"
I could hear the weariness in Blayze's voice, but kept my eyes focused down on my task so I wouldn't have to look at his face and see his reaction.
I wouldn't let the wheelchair stop Me from seeing Phoenix when he'd been brought all the way out here.
My legs work after all.
I slowly eased myself out of the chair and into a standing position, keeping my hands braces on the padded arms of the chair.
Time to go give Phoenix a cuddle.
One other face was swirling around in my mind, even though I had Phoenix, Zuke, Zeus and Azlan all vying for my attention.
But if Blayze had brought Luka along, I'd know about it by now.
A thirteen month old Toddler couldn't be left on their own.
Biting into my lower lip, I made myself turn away from Phoenix and his imploring brown eyes.
I looked up to Blayze's face, my heart hammering a little too fast inside my chest.
It was good to see that he was at least back to keeping himself clean shaven.
Somebody who appreciated a beard might have noted that he could pull one off.
I for one don't appreciate that much hair.
His blue-green eyes held a gentle sparkle to them, that had seemed to be absent recently and the light tugged gently at my heart strings.
Clearly he was happy about the fact that the animals were keen to see me and I hadn't gone running for the hills.
"Thank you."
I told him, easing myself back to lean backwards against the portable yard fence.
Surprise flickered on Blayze's face.
"Why are you thanking Me?"
Why?
Was he nuts?
"For bringing Phoenix and Zuke out here."
Especially Phoenix.
It took a lot more effort to load up the portable yards, hook up the float, load a horse and haul them for around three hours than it did to whistle a Dog into the back of a car.
Blayze waved a dismissive hand.
"It's nothin'."
Nothing...
My heart seemed to clench.
I swallowed thickly and averted my gaze, turning my head to look towards the small cluster of trees and a dried out field that stretched behind the Hospital.
"At the moment it's everything."
I admitted.
Without Blayze, Luka, Mum, Phoenix and Zuke, I'd break.
Thinking of them was all that was keeping me afloat.
Blayze's boot's crunched on the dried out sticks and leaf litter.
I turned my head back around to blink against the hot feeling in my eyes and look up at Blayze's face.
"I didn't mean it was nothing as in not meaning anything to you."
He explained, sliding his hands behind his back, probably into the back pockets of his dark wash jeans that admittedly seemed to fit him perfectly.
"Then... what did you mean?"
I queried, struggling a little to keep my voice steady.
He stared back at Me, blinking slowly.
"I think you know the answer by now."
I shook my head.
I might have a fairly decent understanding of the Man, after over eleven years of knowing him.
But I couldn't read his mind.
"You do."
Blayze insisted.
My heart seemed to skip a beat.
"Because you're You then towing a well behaved horse for a few hours isn't that much of an issue?"
I guessed.
A small smile ghosted on Blayze's lips.
"If you polish off that sentence with and because the person's You then you'd be pretty close to correct."
I couldn't help but smile, while my tender heart pounded.
Blayze scrutinised my face for a few moments and I began to squirm under his unwavering gaze.
"Is that face for the fact that you can't pile in and head home with us?"
He finally spoke.
Head ho-?
Wait.
Face?
What face?
"Wh-what face?"
I stammered.
"That devo one that's creepin' in."
Devo?
Who's devo?
I'm just tying to enjoy the no doubt few moments I've got left with a couple of my favourite Boys!
"I'm not devo!"
I squeaked.
A breath that smelt like quality hay wafted over my face and a weight landed gently but obviously on my left shoulder.
I lifted my left hand to pat Phoenix's golden nose.
"Hey Baby."
I whispered.
I turned my eyes back over to Blayze.
"I'm just stupidly thinking already of saying goodbye to these two."
I reached my right hand down to pat the nose Zuke offered Me.
"Try that one again."
Blayze replied, sliding his hands out of his pockets and folding his arms across his chest.
Try tha-?
I winced.
"Okay so I'm super happy I get to see Phoenix and Zuke."
Only once the words were out of my mouth did I realise I probably should've actually added him to that list too, seeing as he made the effort to be here every day.
"And You."
I added quickly.
"I just..."
I averted my gaze and chewed on my lower lip.
"Just?"
Blayze prompted, voice quiet.
I swallowed thickly, still absently patting both Phoenix and Zuke.
"I miss L-Luka too."
I admitted, clenching my jaw.
My poor little Child.
He probably thinks his Mummy doesn't love him anymore...
"Well..."
I snapped my gaze back to Blayze's face.
His expression looked almost boyishly sheepish.
"What?"
I whispered, trying extremely hard to not let my heart dare to hope too strongly.
"Luka's here, but he's with Jax."
Blayze admitted, looking down to the sparsely covered ground and kicking at the dirt with the toe of his boot.
My heart seemed to jump start.
Luka's here?!
Blayze risked a glance up at Me, through his long, dark lashes.
"I know he's hangin' to see ya. But I didn't wanna push it too soon in case you weren't yet up for it all. But I figured he should be here in case you were up for it."
He's attempting to help Me, yet he's Man enough to put Luka's well-being first.
What would it have done to the poor Kid if he'd seen Me, but I'd freaked out and demanded to go back to my room?
"Can... I... see him?"
I whispered, tightening my grip on Phoenix's nose.
He thrust his head gently up, dislodging my Apparently too tight grip.
Sorry buddy...
A small smile graced Blayze's lips.
"I'll call Jax."
He told me and slipped his phone out of his jeans pocket.
My throat and my eyes instantly burned as a familiar few people walked into my view.
Mum, Jaxon and Luka.
My Son was propped at Jax's side, copping an easy ride, a grin brightening his face as he stared at my Mum.
"I hope he doesn't hate Me..."
I whispered, my voice wobbling due to the burning in my throat.
"Nate will probably disagree with me tellin' ya this, but He's cried himself to sleep every night since I've been home."
Blayze informed Me.
What felt like a thousand hot tears bombarded my vision.
My poor Son...
"Who's here?"
Mum's voice travelled to Me.
I looked over to see her smiling and pointing in our direction.
Zuke barked and the three Dog's bounded forward to meet the familiar people.
Luka twisted around in Jaxon's arm to follow Mum's pointing arm.
Suddenly he began to kick his small, jeans clad legs.
"Easy Tiger!"
Jax grunted, adjusting his grip on the Toddler.
"Mummy!"
Luka shouted, using his tanned arms to push against Jax's chest.
"Let him down!"
Blayze called to his Cousin.
Jax checked that they were far enough away from the Hospital's car park traffic and he bent over to set the furiously squirming Toddler onto the edge of the car park bitumen.
As soon as Luka's boot's covered feet hit solid ground, he pushed Jax's hands off and he began to run towards Us.
Hot and salty tears splashed onto my cheeks as I watched the small, but determined Child cover the distance between Mum and Jax and Blayze and I.
"Let Me help ya."
Blayze requested, stepping forward to intercept Luka's obvious path.
Luka made a squealing, slightly screaming noise of frustration as he attempted to dodge his Dad.
"Cut it out and I'll lift you up."
Blayze grumbled, grabbing the small Child around his waist and hauling him easily up off the ground.
"Mummy!"
Luka yelled, kicking his legs fiercely.
It was breaking my heart to watch how Luka seemed to be scared he wouldn't be able to get to Me, first thanks to Jax and then thanks to his own Dad.
"Pipe down!"
Blayze ordered, placing one arm over Luka's legs to stop him kicking his stomach.
"Hi Baby!"
I greeted Luka, reaching out a hand to wave, tears steaming hot and relentlessly down my cheeks.
"Mu-muh-mummmmy!"
Luka's tanned face crumpled and a relentless storm of big tears suddenly filled his blue eyes.
His cheeks grew rapidly red tinged and he clenched his fists before sinking forward, his face pressing into Blayze's wide shoulder and sobs wracked his small body.
"I'm taking you to see her but you have to be gentle."
Blayze explained, rubbing a hand on Luka's back.
"Let him down Blayze, he's devastated."
I reasoned, wiping the back of my left hand under each of my eyes.
Blayze walked towards Me, Luka still sobbing.
"Wipe your tears and say hello to your Mummy."
Blayze encouraged Luka, turning his head in an attempt to get a look at our Son's face.
Luka just continued to cry, lifting his adorable little hands to cover his devastated face.
"Luka..."
I crooned, my own tears rolling down my cheeks as I stepped towards He and Blayze.
Luka stopped crying.
He dropped his hands and lifted his head, blinking his big blue eyes.
"I'm here."
I promised him, my own voice feeling far too thick as I took yet another step closer.
"Mummy!"
Luka's voice rasped.
He stretched his arms out, over the back of Blayze's wide shoulder.
"Blayze, hand him over."
I urged.
"Bails, you can't with your two incisions."
Blayze reasoned, twisting around to look at Me.
"Mummy!"
Now that Luka faced away again, he began to kick his legs once again and smack Blayze's back with his hands.
"He needs it and so do I!"
I insisted, yet more tears splashing onto my cheeks.
If it hurt, I'd deal with it.
I need to cuddle my Son.
Blayze released an obviously weighted breath and lifted Luka off his shoulder, stepping closer to Me.
"At least sit down?"
He tried, his expression quite obviously hopeful.
I'd probably do better to just listen.
"Want this?"
I blinked as Jax arrived with the wheelchair.
Well the wheelchair was probably better than the dusty floor...
And it would be harder for me to get down that far.
"Thanks."
I whispered and eased myself into the chair on wheels.
"I'm still not so sure this is such a great idea..."
Blayze muttered, Luka held just off his body.
"Muh-Mummy!"
Luka sobbed.
My Title from his cracking little voice chipped at my heart.
"Hand him over."
I insisted, lifting my hands in preparation.
I carried Luka for almost nine months.
I've held him quite literally every day since.
Kissed his sweet little face...
These last eleven days had been terrible on the both of us.
Blayze released a breath and stepped forward to deposit a still sobbing Luka carefully onto my lap.
"Hello my Baby!"
I whispered, my own voice full to the brim of my own relentless tears.
Luka sank against Me, burying his little face into the crook of my neck while his warm tears fell, sliding off his cheeks and onto the bare skin at my collarbone.
It took me a moment to realise that my own relentless tears were flowing as I carefully wrapped my arms around my eldest Son's slender body.
"I've missed you so much."
I promised him.
"Never doubt that."