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Do you ever wake up one morning feeling as if the entire world is being pressed down on your chest, an unfixable weight that, despite your efforts, cannot be lifted?
That's how I felt waking up the next morning.
It only got worse as the day went on. Sitting next to Isaac in first period was extra hard. Part of me wanted to reach over and hold his hand, or pass him
notes like we would usually do. But then my conscience would remind me, stop, Grace. He hurt you. Remember that. But I couldn't help but feel a pang in my heart at his expression. Somber. Depressed.
Then, I would notice several eyes staring when we walked down the halls separately. When we wouldn't stop at each other's lockers during passing periods. When we barely spoke a word to each other. I didn't realize how much people watched us, how much we were under the public view.
By lunchtime, the gossip spread as quick as a wildfire. Rumors were flying here and there. One was that I just used him for social popularity. That was bad. Another was that he cheated on me. That was worse. Everyone knew we weren't together anymore when I sat at my old table, alone, eating my salad quietly. Isaac sat with his friends. I would look over there a couple times. He would laugh with them on a normal day. But now he wouldn't move when one of them elbowed him. Nothing. This lunch was different. Isaac wasn't joking around. I wasn't rushing to the bathroom the minute I finished chewing the last bite of my food. But it was still a very sad lunch.
For days I felt like my entire life was surrounded by four stone walls. I could see. I could run. I could breathe. But all of it was limited. I couldn't escape. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to tell myself this was all for the best. My heart couldn't decide if I had made a mistake or not. But the damage was done. I couldn't take my words back. I couldn't forget about the emotions that were surging through my body that evening. It was impossible to forget.
It frightened me how dependent I am on one person. Because once that person was gone, I fell apart. I couldn't sleep, eat, even think. It all felt pointless. Loving him was the most exquisite form of self destruction. Even Caroline and my dad noticed. Normally, I was in a slightly chipper mood, but each night I would just pick at my food, not keeping eye contact with anyone. Caroline would ask me about Isaac, but I didn't reply.
It physically hurts to resist the want to call him. I knew this would happen. I knew he'd be gone. I guess part of me hoped my doubts were wrong. But my life is just full of me loving people and then them leaving me. Why did I think it'd be any different with Isaac?
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The school bell rings, signaling the end to yet another day. I walk out of my last period photography class. I turned in my portfolio today. My teacher loved it, so I let him keep it. I don't need it.
I am walking to my locker when a hand lands on my shoulder. I stop and turn around, meeting Luke's face.
"You have to tell me what is going on between you and Isaac." He says, immediately to the point.
I continue walking. "There's nothing going on," Lies. "We just had a misunderstanding."
"Then why are you guys avoiding each other?" He asks, stepping in front of me. "Everyone can see it. You guys are doing awful without each other. Seriously, Isaac is a pain to be around lately, and you just seem irritable."
"Excuse me?"
"Come on Grace. You know exactly what I'm talking about," He says. I just roll my eyes. "Look, I know I made fun of you guys' relationship and all, but in all seriousness, you guys make each other better. You're both happier together. And as a friend of both of you, please just work out your shit and start flirting and being the annoyingly sweet couple everyone loves."
"Did you give this same lecture to Isaac?" I ask.
"As a matter of fact, yes. I did. And he just acted like he didn't want to talk to me. But Grace, he's hurting. And so are you." Luke says this, offers a weak smile, and then walks away, hands in his pockets.
And once again, I'm left to my own devices.
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"I'll freaking pulverize him!" Jane yells, hitting her fist on the counter.
I've just finished telling her about the situation with Isaac. The minute I knocked on her apartment door and she say how somber I was, she demanded and nagged the truth out of me. After all, she is the one person I tell everything to. It was only fair she knew.
And now, she is mad.
"I'm gonna rip his flannels that he wears and break his fingers and cut off his hair. But I'll leave his face. His face is too pretty to mess up," She huffs around her room as she puts away laundry. "He better hope he never sees me again!"
"I bet." I reply, skimming my fingers along the books on her shelf. Jane has always had a thing for collecting books. Every time I come over there is a new addition to her collection.
She sighs. "I just, I can't believe he would act like that."
"Me too," I turn around. "So when are you leaving to visit your parents?"
"Tomorrow," Jane answers. "I'll be home next Friday, though."
"Do you have ice cream?"
Three scoops and some whipped cream later, Jane and I sit on her living room floor, eating the cold desserts and laughing about old memories of us. Jane knows just what to do to make me feel better. She doesn't ask me about the breakup. She doesn't try to push me to do something I'm not ready to do. She doesn't make me feel guilty. She just understands. And I'm beyond thankful.
But in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if I've made a mistake.
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Dear Isaac,
This will never reach you. I know. Your eyes will never settle on this piece of paper, and that's okay. Because that's not the point of this letter. Tonight is one of those nights where I need to try and heal myself with the pen. So here it goes;
It's been exactly 36 days without you.
I miss our conversations. I miss our jokes. I miss our kisses. I miss everything.
But do you miss me?
I don't know.
People ask me what's wrong. It's so much easier to put on a fake smile and say I'm fine than to tell them what's really going on.
I think it's funny how we learn the most about love through heartbreak.
You were never supposed to mean so much to me. I was never supposed to fall so hard. But I did, and that's the truth. I want to hold on but I can't. And it hurts like hell to let go.
I don't want to let go. Not completely, anyways. Because you were the one thing that made me happy.
And now you're gone.
Sometimes, I wish I could forget it all. Pretend it never happened. Act like all is well with the world and that I am doing okay. But, it's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.
I think about how your lips used to feel when they were on mine. Soft, yet strong. Bittersweet. They were perfect. Were.
I see the world in grey, which is scary. It used to be so full of color. The trees were a bright emerald green, the sky a deep sapphire blue. Not anymore.
The thing is; I love you. And it's killing me.
I thought this would be easier. But when it happens, it hits you so much harder than you thought it would.
Some days I'm better. Some days are worse.
Basically, missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning.
I'll be fine though.
Just don't look in my eyes. It hurts too much.
Love, Grace.
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Another week passes by. I'm still holding my grades in my classes. The end of the school year is only two months away. And I should be expecting my letter from the Chicago fine arts association to know if I made the showcase or not.
In a normal sense, everyone is going good. But I can't help but recognize the black void in my life. An emptiness. And as much I want to deny the fact that it's his absence, my heart keeps telling me that it is.
But I've been trying my hardest to suppress it.
I walk in the front door after another long shift at work. A day filled with serving sodas and burgers and scrubbing down messy tables. A dream.
I set my bag down and take off my coat. Usually, there is something cooking in the oven that Caroline made, but tonight, I smell nothing.
I look around and spot a pair of heels thrown across the floor. But Caroline doesn't wear heels.
There is a briefcase set on the ground. Caroline's job doesn't use a briefcase.
"Dad?" I call out, voice echoing through the seemingly empty house. I'm almost sure no one is here until I hear a loud voice.
Two loud voices, actually. Both groaning. Yelling. Moaning.
It's not Caroline's voice, though.
I quietly tiptoe through the hallway to my dad's room, squirming at the sounds coming from behind the closed door. And as much as it makes me cringe, I peek my eye through the hole my father punched in the door one day that he was drunk.
First of all, it's a horrid sight that I will never be able to erase from my mind.
Secondly, it's not Caroline on the bed. Sure enough, it's some random blonde.
I sit back, feeling as if my breath has been knocked out of me. Wind seems to rush through my ears, blocking my heating and fogging my thoughts.
No. He can't do this. He can't hurt another person. Not again.
He's a cheater. A con artist. A fraud. He only cares about himself.
Disbelief quickly turns to anger and I pull my phone out, opening the camera app and starting a video. I position the lens of my phone in the whole, waiting about thirty seconds before pulling it out and stopping the stream.
I open a text to Caroline. Glad you're satisfied with this man. Have fun at the wedding. I attach the video to it and click send, watching as it finally delivers.
Do I regret it?
No.
But I do feel a little guilty. She's going to be so upset. But she deserves to know. I will not act like what he did is okay. I will not tolerate it. I refuse to forget it. He's hurt my mom. He's hurt me. I won't let him hurt another person.
Emotions bubble up inside of me and tears instantly start to fall out of my eyes. I collect myself and stand up off the ground. Still crying, I walk down the stairs to my room. I grab a backpack and throw it on my bed. I grab a change of clothes and a hairbrush and some shoes, along with my computer and camera. I zip it all up in the bag and sling it over my shoulder. I grab my guitar case and jacket and slam the front door behind me, meeting the chilly weather.
I can't stay there anymore. I can't put myself through the abuse any longer. But I have no where to go.
Except one place.
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Hi guys! Another update! I've been on break this week so I've had a lot of time to write. Hope you enjoyed!!!
Acreativeblur