Friday evening, Licia, Miguel and I were in Miguel's basement working on our technology project, a hydraulic elevator. We used two plastic syringes connected by a piece of tubing mounted on a frame made from a cardboard box. We spent more time arguing than actually making it but after the fourth prototype and the consumption of about fifty sticks of hot melt glue, we got it to work.
While Licia was putting the finishing touches to the elevator platform, Miguel picked up her cell phone and started checking out the available ring tones.
Licia and I left the finished project at Miguel's place and walked home. We were on rue Sumac street when I spotted a Canada goose nibbling at a small patch of still green grass growing in a sheltered spot at the side of the church.
'Dunc, what are you doing here?' I asked.
'Surveillance,' Dunc honked happily. 'Ah've been following a bowler hat all day and my pectorals are pooped out with all the zigzagging. Yeh wouldna happen to have a wee dram of scotch wi' yeh? Ah could use a wee stimulant.'
'Do we look like kids who drink whiskey? Licia asked.
'A bowler hat?' I asked. 'That sounds like Kozak.'
'Well, he's just gone into the Happy Log Rollers' Eatery,' Dunc told us.
'Licia,' I said, 'Kozak knows me but he's never seen you. Would you slip into the restaurant and see if he's with someone?'
She gave me her cell phone. 'Okay, but call Oscar Kilo.'
I thought she meant Onderdonk and but then I found OK in the cell's contact list and clicked on that. Miguel answered.
Dunc stayed by the church munching grass while I waited until Miguel arrived. Licia came out minutes later. 'He's talking to a big guy with funny glasses. Does that sound like Murga?'
Dunc said he would be too conspicuous inside the restaurant so we left him pecking at the grass and slipped inside. The tables were arranged in high-backed booths and the place was almost empty. We could hear two voices, one unmistakably Kozak's, coming from the corner booth. We slid into the next booth as the waiter delivered a pizza to our table.
'I had only enough money for a small one,' Licia whispered.
I grabbed a slice. 'You are a true friend, Licia. Thanks.' We ate with relish as we eavesdropped.
'Zdat teufelhund, Onderdonk, blocked zder nexus,' Murga was grumbling. 'Ziff, got avay.'
'I warned you,' Kozak coughed. 'Zat windholes software would collapsed ze Zloffgart field!'
'No!' Murga snapped. 'Toktakunov vould not permit. Now, you vill find out vot happened to Erik Bragg.' 'He voz not at vurk since Friday. He must haf been curtailed by Herr Doktor Zhang.'
'CURTAILED!' Kozak squeaked. 'You mean he is . . . ?'
'Ya. Extirpated. Rubbed-out,' Murga said pleasantly. 'Blown-avay . . . no mo' problemo.'
'But, I am not a detective!' Kozak whined. 'And you promised I could go 'ome after I found Ziff.'
'Zo? I already told you vee are shtuck here until Toktakunov can link viz Doctor Zhang's nexus. It is crude engineering but it vill haf to do.'
I whispered to Licia, 'Do you think Dr Ah-um is back yet? He should hear this.'
She pulled out her cell phone but Murga heaved himself out of the booth and lumbered from the restaurant like some great bear. He had pulled the hood of his parka over his head and a scarf covered the lower part of his face so all I could see was the black slit covering his eyes. Luckily, he didn't look in our direction. We watched through the restaurant window as he got into a black SUV and drove off without looking back. A pair of eyes watched me from the rear window. I could have sworn the eyes were framed by tusks.
We followed surreptitiously as Kozak left the restaurant a few minutes later. He unexpectedly ducked into the church at the end of Sumac Street. There was no sign of Dunc. We entered the church and found ourselves in a corridor leading to a large hall with a pulpit and a wooden cross at the far end. On the wall a banner proclaimed Jesus is the Light. There was a line of Chinese characters underneath. Near the pulpit, two Asian ladies were chatting with Beryl and cooing over Pacman. I asked if they had seen a man with a bowler hat.
'He's in the library talking to the vicar,' Beryl told us. 'It's next to the sign that says Washroom Go Down Stairs.'
We peeped through the partially open door, into a room filled with chairs, where Kozak was talking to a worried looking Asian man wearing a dog collar, presumably the vicar.
'Christian, Communist, Eco-cults, Fascist, Socialist, Muslim . . . I wish to know everyzing about zeeze religion.'
'Communism is not a religion,' the vicar spluttered. 'There is no god.'
Kozak frowned. 'You mean zat zhere is only one god and Karl Marx is 'is prophet? And what about ze windmill fanatics?'
'No, no. You have got it all mixed up. Communism is a godless religion.'
'Zen what is it you do?' Kozak asked innocently.
'I am a Christian.' The vicar was so confused it was almost a question.
'So,' Kozak exclaimed, 'you can tell me where to find ze Inquisition and seventy two virgins? And also why men kill for ze Easter Bunny.'
The vicar looked as if he had been cornered by a dangerous fanatic. 'Chr-Christianity,' he stammered, 'is the religion of love.' He glanced around, looking for an escape route. 'But, I really must visit a sick parishioner. Why don't you come again on S-Sunday?'
'Zhank you.' Kozak followed as the vicar backed toward the door. 'I am most anxious to learn hosanna in the highest.'
We stepped aside to let the harassed vicar escape and Kozak saw us. He stopped so suddenly that his head jerked forward and his bowler hat slipped over his eyes. He emitted a choking sound. 'Taberswaggle!'
'Ziff . . . you frightened me 'alf to death,' he said. 'I wanted to ask about ze climate change religion of carbon dioxide. Why do zhey think it is a dangerous green 'ouse gas? Every living zing on Earth depends on carbon dioxide. Plants need carbon dioxide to grow and zhey produce ze oxygen we breath.'
Pacman wuffed a welcome as Dunc shouldered his way through the door. 'Mister Kozak,' he honked officiously. 'Ah have a few questions tae ask yeh.'
Kozak sagged onto a chair and goggled at him. 'But you are a goose. I do not talk to gooses.'
'Geese,' Dunc corrected him pompously. 'Ah'm investigating yehr illegal use of time phase technology.'
Kozak suddenly noticed Licia and Miguel. 'Who are you?'
'Uh, Kozak,' I said. 'This is Licia. You already met Miguel and Pacman.'
Kozak jumped to his feet, took Licia's hand and kissed it. 'Enchanted to make your acquaintance.' Dunc glared at him. He sat down abruptly.
Pacman sniffed at Kozak's ancles as Miguel and I sat down on each side of him. Licia straddled the chair behind Dunc.
'Now, start talking,' Dunc snapped. 'Where is Murga and what are you doing here?'
'I zink, zherefore I am,' Kozak announced enigmatically. 'Descartes said zat. We are all accidents of ze universe and zhere will always be a good future in computer maintenance. I do not zink 'e said zat.'
I tried not to grin as I asked. 'Who is Murga and why did he try to kidnap me?'
Kozak looked nervous. 'I cannot say.'
'We have guid reason to believe you wurk for Murga,' Dunc snapped.
'Onderdonk, zat spogot, told you zat?' Kozak asked sceptically. 'You believe him?'
Kozak looked at his watch. 'Is zis ze Inquisition?' he asked. 'Genetically modified gooses are dangerous. '
'Geese,' Dunc said. 'What has Murga done with the radio isotopes?'
Kozak giggled sarcastically. 'You spogit slobbering goose! You cannot make me talk.'
'Talk or we'll set Pacman on you,' Miguel said.
Pacman displayed his impressive teeth with a yawn but then spoiled the effect by wagging his minuscule tail.
Kozak cracked up. 'Zat . . . little . . . toy dog?' he cackled.
'He's no dog,' Miguel told him grimly. 'Pacman is a sabre tooth gerbil.'
Kozak wiped his eyes and doubled over. 'Hee, hee, hee. Zis is 'urting my ribs. 'ow you say it? I claim ze right to remain silent.'
'Hey, how come you can pronounce an aitch when you laugh?' I asked.
Kozak was shaking with laughter. 'Hee, hee. Anything I say may be used as evidence. I claim immunity from ze Easter Bunny.'
'What gives, you guys?' Beryl stood in the doorway swinging her bag. 'Is this the global economy biker guy? Is he CIA or FBI? . . . What's with the goose?'
'I am not CIA,' Kozak giggled. 'I am Kozak. Hee, hee.'
I gestured. 'This is Dunc. Beryl.'
'He's cute,' she said. 'Isn't it marvellous what they can do with computer generated imaging, these days.'
'Am'm no a computer image,' Dunc huffed. 'Ah'm real.'
Beryl ignored Dunc while she inspected Kozak as if he were an unusual type of cockroach. 'This one's a Yankee spy,' she growled. 'They use foreign accents to disguise their American drawl.' She kicked a chair out of the way, hauled the Uzi out of her purse and dangled the barrel between Kozak's knees.
Kozak stared at the Uzi like a gopher caught in the headlights of an approaching car. 'Are you ze chief inquisitor? Ze Easter Bunny is not dead?' His voice rose to a squeak. 'Zat is a gun!?'
Beryl slid the Uzi's cocking knob back and stuck her sharp nose close to Kozak's. 'Listen carefully, jerk,' she hissed. 'I'm an old lady with little time left to waste and no patience. Now, talk fast and we can all go home. Who is the top scorer for the Sens?'
'I don't know zat . . . Who is Sens?'
Beryl leered at him. 'That clinches it. Yankees know zilch about Canada. Everyone knows the Senators are the Ottawa hockey team. He's an American spy for sure.'
'When do you come from?' Dunc asked.
Beryl stared at Dunc. 'Did that goose say when?'
'Agent MacPhun,' Dunc corrected her pompously.
'I can't tell you.' Kozak smirked nervously.
BANG! The Uzi went off between Kozak's knees. He leapt rigidly to attention, his hands clutching his crotch, his eyes bulging out of his head, and stood frozen, sweat trickling down his face. He made a sound like a creaky door.
'Oops!' Beryl said. 'I missed. How do you get the goose to talk? Are you a ventriloquist?'
'Wait a wee minute,' Dunc hooted. 'Are yeh calling me a dummy?'
Kozak slumped back onto the chair and gingerly crossed his legs. 'I tell . . . you . . . everyzing,' he stuttered. 'I am not a ventriloquist. Please . . . don't 'urt me.'
'Murga 'ired me from 2109,' he stammered, 'I find Ziff's fazzer and zen I find Ziff . . . Zat is what I do. I find people's ancestors. I am an 'armless archivist . . . Zat is ze trooz.'
I was counting his arms until I realized he meant harmless archivist. 'You mean you are from the future?' I asked.
'Yes. Murga brought me 'ere. Zen 'e said he would not let me go 'ome until 'e had kidnapped Ziff. Ze Time Agency found 'is time phase kronog at Galactic Deli just after 'e got the radio-isotopes.' He was speaking so fast I could hardly understand what he was saying. 'Murga 'as a beast, wiz teeth sticking up. 'E calls it Porco.'
I was stunned as I realized what he had said. 'You found my father?'
There was a loud click as Beryl cocked the Uzi.
'Don't let 'er shoot at me,' Kozak whimpered. 'Murga told me Ziff's fazzer and muzzer, zhey are safe! I don't know anyzing else . . . I want to go 'ome. It is spogot primitive 'ere. Too many people, too much religion and (he glared at Beryl) too many guns.'
'What about Mr Bragg?' I asked 'What's he doing with Murga?'
'I warned Murga about zat spogot stopper. Murga 'ired 'im to spy on WongTime Photonics. But Eric Bragg 'as done nuzzing so Murga got mad and Mr Bragg disappeared. I was wiz 'im at ze school. I zink 'e is 'iding.'
'What were you doing at the school?' Licia asked.
'Murga, 'e wants to know about Dr Zhang's nexus.'
'What's that?' Miguel asked.
'A nexus is a connection between two points in time. Dr Zhang's invented zis but it is not yet reliable. It is primitive. '
'So we were right,' Licia exclaimed triumphantly. 'It is time travel.'
'We lock up church now, maah.' The two Asian ladies were at the door. 'What is funny smell, aaay? Like Chinese firecrackers.'
Beryl tried to look innocent as she scooped up an empty cartridge case from the floor, shook a round out of the Uzi and tucked them into her purse.
Outside, Pacman sniffed the air curiously and growled at Kozak as he sidled along the wall, like a constipated crab.
Licia rubbed her hand on her sleeve. 'Eurgh,' she groaned with disgust. 'Zat spogot Kozak kissed my 'and.'
I laughed. 'Licia, you sounded just like Kozak.'
'At least, she didn't say random.' Miguel peered at Licia's hand. 'Researchers say there are fifty million bacteria in one kiss,' he remarked seriously.
Licia gave him a hard look and turned to Beryl. 'How could you even think about hurting that poor little man. I mean, he looked like a little white gopher. He even twitched his nose. I thought only rabbits could do that.'
Beryl chuckled. 'A loud bang saves a lot of time. I keep a few blank cartridges to scare off muggers.'
I grinned. 'Thanks, Beryl. How come you were in the church?'
'There's a firing range, in the basement. The vicar doesn't mind as long as I don't use it during service . . . Just call me if you need me. I'm always glad to help out in matters of national security. You can find me in the yellow pages under Militias.' She gave me her business card. 'Look for the Guerilla Grannies.'
The two Chinese ladies came out of the church and started arguing with Beryl. Lights flashing, a police cruiser arrived and a lady police officer jumped out asking if we had heard a gunshot.
Miguel and I shook our heads like two wise monkeys from junior kinder garden. 'We did hear something. It sounded like a firecracker,' Licia volunteered.
Beryl was waving her hands to disperse the gun smoke drifting out of her purse as her smile suggested she was in the final stage of terminal dementia.
'Nice jacket,' the lady cop admired Beryl's leather coat. 'Let me help you with that loot bag.' She picked up Beryl's purse. 'My, this is heavy.'
'At my age,' Beryl told her with a wink in my direction, 'you never know when you might need life support equipment.'
'Oh, I see,' the officer smiled. 'You need to carry an oxygen bottle with you, eh?'
Beryl smiled innocently as she took the bag. 'But I gotta go. I'm late for my Kung Fu class.' She marched off, smoke still trickling from her bag.
A tiny, angry voice interrupted us. It was coming from my pocket. 'Hey! What are you? Deaf? Answer the bleeping phone . . . and fulfill your destiny.'
Licia snatched the cell phone from my hand and glared at Miguel suspiciously. 'Which one of you turkeys changed the ring tone?'
In the confusion Kozak and Dunc had vanished.
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